Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  “Candice, can I have a number where I can get in touch with you? Before you go and disappear on me again.”

  I looked at him and for a fraction of a second all I saw was Fred. I guess that’s why I said, “Are you married or living with anyone?”

  “No. I’ve been waiting on you.”

  Yeah right Negro. I knew he was just running game, but I gave him my number anyway.

  We sat there talking and holding hands, like we were old friends. We didn’t get all deep or nothing, just good conversation.

  Okay . . . Okay . . . most of the time I found myself staring at his lips, trying to catch a glimpse of that rabbit-fast tongue. Girl . . . I was almost in a trance when he finally said, “Are you ready to go?”

  “Huh, yeah. I’d like that.”

  We said good-bye to Toi and Johnny. I know Toi wanted to say something; I could see it in her eyes. I didn’t give her a chance to say nothing. I thought we should save all the talking for tomorrow. I had some booty business to take care of.

  I thought Michael was going to ask me what hotel I was staying in, but he didn’t. We just drove and talked.

  I didn’t ask him where he was going, and he didn’t volunteer to tell. Truth be told, I didn’t care as long as we ended up between the sheets.

  I’m not trying to paint some fairy-tale romance with this, y’all. Right about then, the only thing I was thinking about was the good loving this man put on me after the last time I rode in a car with him.

  We eventually arrived at a guard gate. I knew we had to be going to his house, but I still didn’t ask any questions. Like I said, I had one thing on my mind.

  His house looked like a mansion squeezed between the average-sized homes on either side of it. Inside, only one small light was on. Without a word, he took my hand and led me to the bedroom.

  Oh but yes. Like Jigga said, “It’s about to go down.” And hopefully, he will too and it will be as good as the first time. You feel me?

  I put down my purse, and when I turned around he was standing right behind me. He pulled me close to him and started kissing me. There’s that sweet tongue I remembered.

  “Michael . . .”

  “Shhhh. Just relax.”

  He didn’t let me say a word. He started kissing me on my neck, and then carried me to the bed. I know this sounds crazy, but I wish I could have videoed everything that Michael did to me, so when I needed this high again I didn’t have to try and remember what he did and how he did it. I could just pop in the videotape, and see that good feeling he gave me, close my eyes and pretend he was holding me and he was inside me again.

  The next morning we woke up to a woman standing in the bedroom door with a food tray.

  “Oh Mr. Haynes? I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you had a guest,” stated the older black lady.

  “It’s okay Ida. Come on in.”

  She walked in carrying food on a tray.

  “I made you breakfast.”

  I stuck out my hand and said, “Hi Ida, I’m Candice and you can set the tray right here.”

  I pointed to my lap. She set it down on my lap and then shook my hand. I was starving by this time. Michael really helped me build up an appetite.

  “This looks so good. Is it for me?”

  Ida smiled and said, “Sure Ms. Candice. I’ll be right back with yours Mr. Haynes.”

  Michael lay there and held me while I stuffed food into both of our mouths.

  “Eat, because I know you’re hungry. We really worked up an appetite last night,” I said.

  Then, I leaned back and kissed his lips softly before continuing to feed him more eggs.

  Ida brought the rest of the food, and we ate that too.

  After we finished, I told him to turn over for a massage.

  Rubbing his fine body made me horny, so I reached over and grabbed a condom off the nightstand. I rubbed his beautiful chocolate stick with my hand and put the condom on him. Then, I sat straight down on it while staring into his eyes. Mere words can’t explain how good it felt to have him plunge deep inside me. I wanted him to see the pleasure he gave me.

  After we both came, we sat in bed and watched movies. It felt so familiar, like we had been together before doing the same thing. In a sense, I guess we had.

  When we got tired of watching movies, we took a bubble bath together in his Jacuzzi. I sat between his legs with my back against his chest.

  When we got out, I put on a pair of his shorts, which were much too big on me, and one of his T-shirts that I tied in a knot in the back. His shorts hung on my hips, making my waist look smaller than it is.

  The day was too beautiful to sit in the house, so I told him that I wanted to sit by the pool. I sat in the sun, while he sat next to me under a large umbrella. We listened to the radio and enjoyed the sun.

  After sitting in silence for a while, we started talking about our lives. He told me what he wanted and expected in a relationship, and I told him what I wanted and expected.

  “I want a man who understands me. Until he understands me and I understand him, we can’t have a real relationship because we won’t know each other fully. I want a man who won’t give up on me or my love. When I decide to love someone, I love all of that person, good and bad. When things go wrong or get difficult, and they will get difficult, I will hang in there and I hope he would too. If we do get together, I would have to understand that you have a life like I do. But when we are around each other, it would be beautiful because I wouldn’t ask you to give up your life for me, so don’t ask me to give up mine for you. I would try not to ask for more than you can give. We would have to be honest with each other. I’m the kind of woman that needs to hear the truth, no matter if you think it would hurt me or not. I have to know that we are friends and we are able to communicate. I don’t want to be the kind of woman that you can’t be yourself around. I want to be able to go out with you and just hang. I can’t even consider having a relationship with you if we can’t be more than just lovers.”

  “Candice, I want you. I already know that I want you. I want to know that you are mine. The thought of you being with another man burns me up inside. I want this to grow into something special. Just like you, I don’t want to get hurt. So, can we agree to try and be together starting now?”

  “Let’s spend some more time together first and see what happens. I want this to work too.”

  Now don’t get me wrong, the thought of a one-on-one relationship frightened me, but what did I have to lose? I decided to try and give it all I had.

  I stayed outside by the pool sitting in the sun tanning, while Michael went inside to take a nap. He had to go to the field soon for a game later. They were playing at home and Toi was coming to get me when she dropped Johnny off at the stadium. That way, I could ride back with Michael.

  After the game, we waited for them in the family lounge. Everyone already knew Toi was Johnny’s girl, but they were wondering who I was with. They wanted to ask, but didn’t. It’s really something how the married women in the room were the main ones that looked insecure. They were probably hoping that I wasn’t messing around with their man.

  While we were waiting, Toi told me that Michael had a few girls, but she didn’t think that it was nothing serious.

  I knew that I had to be careful with this relationship because athletes have women throwing themselves at them all the time.

  We followed Toi and Johnny to eat at a restaurant in Buckhead. While we were eating, Johnny’s friend Toby came into the restaurant and walked over to the table.

  “What’s up playas? Good game.”

  Toby talked about the game and other stuff that was unimportant. He didn’t look once at me or Toi. In fact, he didn’t even acknowledge our presence.

  Although I could’ve sworn I saw him cutting his eyes at Toi like a jealous woman.

  Well, maybe it was just my imagination.

  He talked for over fifteen minutes and continued to ignore us. Finally, when he stopped, Michael said,
“Toby, this my baby Candice.”

  He finally decided to half look over at me and gave one of those fake smiles.

  “Wat up?”

  Then, he looked away and continued to talk with the guys. This let me know that he didn’t want any small talk from me.

  While the guys talked with Toby, I asked Toi, “Don’t you know him? Isn’t that the guy who is always at Johnny’s house, his homeboy?”

  “Yeah, he’s the one who’s always at the house.”

  Then she added, “He always refers to women as whores, bitches, gold diggas, or whatever degrading name he can think of.”

  I came to the conclusion that the brotha got issues, and I mean some serious issues.

  Before Toby walked off he said, “Y’all still coming to meet us?”

  Johnny looked at Michael.

  “Are we still going?”

  Michael looked confused.

  “You go ahead. I have my baby with me, and I want to take her home.”

  “Why do I have to go home? Why can’t I go with you?”

  Then Johnny said, “My baby’s going with me. She goes where I go.”

  I said while looking at Johnny, “Where ya’ll going?”

  Then, I turned to Michael and continued with, “Why can’t we go?”

  Michael looked and said, “They are going to Nicki’s, a strip club.”

  “So! Why can’t we go? I want to go too.”

  He looked at me with an expression of surprise and said, “Are you sure, baby?”

  “Yeah. I’m sure. I want to go.”

  He didn’t know that I had been to a strip club before. When you have mostly male friends all your life, you do a lot of things that most women don’t. I went with Money and his boys because that was one of the very few places where he would relax. I knew I didn’t want a woman, never tried it and wasn’t interested in trying it. But, I enjoyed seeing the guys enjoy themselves. Anyway, I liked watching the dancers so I could learn some new moves for my man.

  On the way to the strip club, Michael asked if I had ever been to one before.

  I explained to him that I had been plenty of times because I have mostly male friends. I told him that I didn’t have a problem with my man going to a strip club, as long as he didn’t make it an everyday habit. There are some niggas that live in the strip club. Whenever you want to find them, all you have to do is go to the local shake joint. I can’t deal with a man like that, or should I say I ain’t trying to deal with a nigga who is a sex addict. Some freakiness on occasion is cool, but too much of the freaky-deaky is a real problem.

  We met some other guys there and sat over in the corner. I could tell that Michael was very uncomfortable being there with me. Since this was my first time there with him, he didn’t understand that I knew how to have a good time, no matter where I was.

  Johnny and Toi were comfortable. They were talking and laughing, as they watched the girls dance on stage. He would give Toi the money, and she would go up and throw it to the dancer. One of the dancers did a split with her legs spread out sideways. While the booty cheeks sat on the stage floor, she moved one at a time up and down. I’d never seen anything like that before. The way Toi and Johnny were acting, I knew they had done this before.

  I got up and told Toi to walk over on the other side with me. “Baby I’ll be right back.”

  We went to find a fine girl to dance for Michael and Johnny. When we saw the one we wanted we told her to come over to the table where we were sitting.

  The dancer came and stood in front of Michael. He looked scared, like he didn’t want to do anything to upset me.

  “She ordered this dance for you.”

  He started smiling, leaned back, and enjoyed the dance. When she turned around, I took his hand and slapped her behind with it softly.

  Then I said, “Bend over, and let us see what you working with!”

  Toi yelled, “Open it up! Open it up!”

  She took her fingers and spread her cheeks apart. Damn, lil mama had her clit pierced with a big loop hanging from it. I know that had to hurt.

  Michael was enjoying every minute of this. When he saw that I wasn’t a jealous woman, he finally relaxed. He got a handful of ones and gave me some. We started throwing the money at the dancer. He called a dancer over to give me a dance. I leaned back and enjoyed it, but when she tried to touch me I said, “You can dance, but don’t touch me.”

  She leaned up against me.

  “You never had a woman before, huh?”

  “No.”

  “You should let me be the first. I love high-yella women. You’ve never been eaten out good until you let a woman do it. A woman knows what makes another woman feel good. You should just let me go with you and your man tonight. I’ll show y’all a good time.”

  “No honey. I’m strickly dickly, not interested.”

  “Let me know if you change your mind. My name is Champagne, but you can call me Lisa.”

  We sat there and got tore up. I got up and started dancing for Michael, and then I whispered in his ear, “I can’t wait to get that good stuff tonight.”

  We left the club around 4:00 A.M. When we got into the car, I jumped over on top of Michael and said, “I want it now. I don’t want to wait until I get home.”

  I pulled his hard pole out and put on a condom from my purse. I had already had my pants off, so I eased it inside of me.

  “Give it to me Daddy.”

  When I said that, he started controlling my movements by bouncing me up and down on him. He gave it to me hard for around ten minutes, before he came. When I climbed off of him he said, “Baby, you are something else, but I love it.”

  I stayed in Atlanta for a week with Michael at his house. Surprisingly, we didn’t have any woman problems. I expected to have a few since my staying with him was not planned.

  Toi said that she was going to stay an extra day. Even though I didn’t want to leave, I knew it was time for me to get back to the real world. Being with Michael felt like a fairy tale without an ending. I’m going to believe that it was meant to be that way.

  TEN

  Take time out and listen to the wise

  Then you will be ready to handle the . . .

  surprise, surprise

  Hello! Candice! Please!”

  Click!

  I hung up the phone as soon as I heard Fred’s voice. This was the fifth time he had called today. He was hitting me up back to back. Damn, it didn’t matter if I kept hanging up on him. He was going to keep calling until I changed my mind. I had told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, but he acted like I hadn’t said a thing. He still called every day, even though I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

  I’ll never understand niggas. I once had a boyfriend in college that said “persistence overcomes any resistance.” I guess most men follow this credo. However, I’m not a goofy immature adult anymore. So, fuck his persistence ’cause my resistance ain’t moving.

  Fred even left messages. In fact, y’all check this one out.

  “Hey baby, please don’t do this to me. I care about you. Baby, I need you.”

  I know . . . I know, but listen to this one.

  “I’m coming to see you if I don’t hear from you. We need to talk. We can’t leave it like this.”

  There wasn’t anything to leave, because I left before we could even get started. Men are so damn predictable though.

  The next thing I knew, he’d be following me. He’d probably start sending me flowers and gifts. I’ll never get why people think they can buy anything and everything. The one thing I’ll never sell is my pride and dignity. I bet y’all thought I was gonna say my body. For the right price, heyyyy. Psyche!! For real though ladies, we have to set boundaries or men will just use and discard us like worthless trash. I can’t talk for y’all, but I know I’m better than that.

  Since Fred and I moved in the same circles, so to speak, it was only a matter of time before we ran into each other. It had already happen
ed a couple of times, but I was always able to lose him in the crowds; that was the way it went until the last time our paths crossed. He grabbed my arm before I could walk away.

  “Look Fred, I don’t know what your problem is, but don’t you have a diaper to change or Little League game to go to? I’m with someone else. You need to go home to your family.”

  “I don’t care about nothing but you Candice. I know I hurt you, but just give me a chance. Let me make you happy. I love you, and I know you love me. So, I don’t care about another nigga. All I care about is you baby.”

  Either he was smoking crack or his wife had knocked him into a point of retardation. He acted like I put my life on hold to cry myself to sleep, but it’s not like that. I’m glad I got out before I started caring for him more than I did. Shoot, after all the no-good niggas I’ve been through I could endure anything, and I have. But you would think after three weeks he’d stop calling and get the hint, but he still calls every day.

  I told him I was seeing someone, I didn’t tell him who it was. I guess I should have, so that he’d know I wasn’t playing. On the other hand, I was not trying to get Michael caught up in my drama. We still were trying to feel each other out anyway.

  The season moved fast. Before I knew it, it was time for the All-Star game. But I refuse to duck and hide for the rest of my life. Who does this fool think I am? I’ve always thought that you should deal with problems head-on if avoiding the issue doesn’t work.

  I might run into Fred at the game. I was not looking forward to it, but this was my world too. It would be in Atlanta, and I couldn’t wait to go. Michael said that I had to come and stay at his house. He made the team and said that his “Baby,” who is me, had to be there with him.

  Johnny and Fred made it also. Of course Toi would be there with her man, even though she hadn’t talked much about going since she got back. It was going to be interesting to see Fred’s reaction when he saw me with Michael. Maybe he’d get the message then.