Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  I was really looking forward to seeing Michael. It had been almost two weeks since I last saw him. He flew down to see me on his day off because I had an important meeting and I couldn’t get away. That made me feel good. It let me know that he respected my career and didn’t expect me to just drop my responsibilities for him.

  He was working with me on our relationship. Fellas did y’all hear me. For those who weren’t listening I’ll repeat myself slowly. HE . . . WAS . . . WORKING . . . WITH . . . ME! You have to understand the word “with. ” It means not trying to control the situation, but allowing for mutual control. If you really want to make a woman hot for you, do like Michael. I ain’t even gon’ lie, I wanted to bone his brains after he made such a selfless gesture.

  Anyway, back to the Atlanta game.

  Johnny made it as an alternate. The player that was picked before him was still hurt, so that opened up a space for him. To my surprise, Toi hadn’t seen Johnny since she left three weeks ago. Usually, they wouldn’t let a week go by without seeing each other. Toi had seemed disturbed by something ever since she came back. She told me she had something to talk about with me, but she didn’t know how to yet. That caught me off guard because we talked about everything, and she has never hidden anything from me before.

  We went to eat lunch several times, but she felt distant. I asked her what was wrong, but she said that she wasn’t ready to talk yet. This whole talk, don’t talk thing seemed like déjà vu. It was like Amber all over again. Man, I hope this girl ain’t kill nobody. Nah, it can’t be that serious because, like I told y’all, Toi don’t got the stomach for real stressful stuff. Whatever the deal is, she’ll talk when she’s ready.

  Toi called right before it was time for us to go to Atlanta. She needed to talk to me before we left because she wasn’t sure if she was still going. Now I knew something was really wrong. Toi not wanting to see Johnny, unghh, unghh. Something not right. So I suggested we go eat an early dinner. It’d give us enough time to get back home and pack for our trip.

  Toi picked me up, and we rode to Boca Raton.

  In the car, I asked Toi, “Hey girl, are you ready to talk?”

  “Can we wait until we get to the restaurant? I need to think just a little more. I also want a couple of drinks before I tell you.”

  She made me promise that once she told me I would give her my honest opinion without judging her.

  “You know me better than that Toi. After all these years, we have never done it any other way.”

  We were seated at a table right away and ordered drinks. I ordered red wine and Toi ordered a shot of Hennessey. After her second shot, and before we ordered anything to eat, she started to speak sadly and slowly. “Remember when you left me in Atlanta the last time you were there?”

  Before I could answer, she said with tears in her eyes, “Well, I went to the airport the next day, but when I got there I noticed that I forgot my ticket at Johnny’s house. I tried to call him so he could bring it, but he didn’t answer the phone. I thought that he’d left early for the ballpark because that’s the only time that I can’t reach him. So, I jumped in a taxi and took it back to his house to get the ticket. He’d given me a key a while back, so I knew I could get in. I just knew that he was gone because he pulls his car in the driveway and not in the garage if he doesn’t have much time. I opened the door and walked into the living room. I didn’t see anybody. I went into the bedroom to get my ticket and when I went downstairs to get back into the taxi, I heard a funny noise. It was like something was bumping against something else in the bedroom by the back door. As I walked to the door, I saw Johnny and Toby.”

  She started crying harder and continued with, “I saw . . . I saw, uuh, uuuh . . .”

  She couldn’t get the words out, and when she tried to finish the sentence her face was covered with tears.

  “I saw . . . Johnny, Johnny screwing Toby.”

  When she said this, she looked away from me, her eyes staring down to the floor. I was shocked, but I didn’t respond for a few minutes. I tried to control the look on my face, but I was really taken for a loop.

  Y’all know that I wanted to laugh. It was like a million jokes ran through my mind in a few seconds. I could hear a baseball announcer’s voice saying things like, “He’s coming home, folks,” or, “Look at the way he handles that wood. That’s why he’s in the pros.” I couldn’t clown my girl like that . . . at least not yet anyway.

  “Are you sure that is what you saw?”

  “Yes, I’m sure! How could I mistake two big men hunching like dogs??!!!”

  “What did you do? Did you go in? Did they see you?”

  “No. I couldn’t think straight. All I could do was leave.”

  Now I could understand why Toby hated women and why he despised Toi as much as he did. He wasn’t Johnny’s friend; they were booty buddies. It had to be going on since they were young because they were childhood friends.

  That’s one thing I always thought about football and baseball players. They wear all those tight clothes and love to touch on each other. They even shower together regularly. I was trying to not be too self-centered, but as soon as Toi told me this, I started to picture Michael at one of Johnny’s fudge-packing parties. If Johnny likes boning men, who’s to say that Michael ain’t down too?

  I felt empathy for Toi. The look on her face showed all her pain. She looked so confused and alone. Toi and Johnny were a perfect match; so I thought. They got along so well, and they couldn’t stand to be away from each other. He had given her an engagement ring and asked her to marry him. She had said yes and they had planned the wedding for next summer.

  What do you do when you think you have found the perfect match, a man that’s respectable, acts like he can’t live without you, treats you like his queen and shares everything with you, but then you find out there are more players involved in the game than you knew about?

  What would you do? Walk away? Stay? The truth is . . . no one knows until it’s them.

  Just when life finally deals you the hand you been waiting on, something happens to let you know that it’s not as good as you thought it was. Is there such a thing as a perfect, well not perfect but just a dependable relationship? Love can be so painful at times. Is it really worth the occasional joy it brings?

  “Candice, what should I do? Should I leave him?”

  Before I answered, I had to think carefully about what to say. Toi was in love with Johnny. He was the man of her dreams that she’d been waiting on. So, I tried to choose my words cautiously.

  “Toi, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to do what you feel in your heart.”

  “I don’t know what I feel. This is all so crazy. I know I’ve done some freaky thangs, but why my man have to like what I like?”

  “Well, do you love him? I mean, do you love him with all your heart and believe that he loves you despite what you saw?”

  She didn’t answer me. I know her mind had to be full of thoughts. God knows how I would have reacted to this situation.

  She asked me again, “What would you do if you were me? Please, tell me! I’m lost . . . I don’t know anything anymore.”

  “I won’t lie to you. My first instinct would be to run. No matter how hard it would be for me, I’d probably just leave. But after I had some time, I’d just think about what’s really important to me. If I could deal with knowing that my man is bisexual, then I might try. There’re not many men out there that treat a woman like Johnny treats you. He adores you and lets you be you. He accepts everything about you; good, bad, freaky, or whatever. He just loves you and wants to be with you. This kind of love is hard to find, and if you are lucky to find it once, then you are truly blessed. One thing I have learned is that when you leave a man because of his ways, you only trade in one set of faults for another set. Child, no one is perfect. Since you know what you have already, you need to decide if you can deal with it for yourself.”

  Anyway, who am I to be giving anybody advic
e about relationships? My life when it comes to men hasn’t been too much better than hers. The only difference is that I decide when and if I want to be bothered with a nigga or not.

  She asked again, “But, would you leave him though?”

  “I can’t say. I know I wouldn’t just roll over and act like nothing happened. Toi, I can’t tell you what to do because I’ve never been that deep in love. However, I do know that AIDS is real, so you need to do something for your own sake.”

  “Will you help me if I stay? Will you help me come up with something to get Toby away from my man?”

  “Yes, I will,” I said as I assured her by touching her hand and leaning over to give her a hug. We ordered one more round of drinks and she thanked me for being her friend and always being there for her.

  After we ate, we drove home with her making the decision to stay with Johnny and to go to the All-Star game as planned. Oh yeah, we also came up with a plot that is guaranteed to get Toby out of Johnny’s life.

  I realized that Toi was really in love. She had fallen hard, and I mean real hard. I don’t know if I want to be in love like that. That’s a scary kind of love; one I can do without. I have learned that in any relationship, you have to know the reason why you are there. Some get involved because of love, stability and/or financial security. But whatever the reason is, you have to have respect, commitment, trust, understanding, communication, and friendship. You have to be able to try and understand what is being communicated and trust that person enough to believe in what they are saying. This is an especially difficult thing to do when you’ve been cheated on once. Most people don’t realize that a relationship can work without love, as long as you have the respect, commitment, understanding, trust, and friendship. It can last a lifetime without love, but one that has love only will not last, because love isn’t always a sure thing. Love is way too unpredictable to depend on.

  I’d rather trust in what I can control. The worst thing that can happen in this situation is that you waste a little time.

  Toi and Johnny seemed to have a strong friendship along with their love. They respected each other, at least for the most part. Boning a nigga up the butt ain’t exactly the most respectful thing to do when you have a woman. You know though . . . sometimes shit happens that throws salt in the game. But, is that enough to give up on something special?

  Yeah, I can get deep at times too. I took a few Psychology and Philosophy classes back in undergrad. See, when you plan on going into a world filled with pimps, you have to learn how they think to avoid becoming just another hoe on the stroll.

  Amber and Randy are a prime example of how love without nothing else can turn into disaster. Love is not strong enough to make a relationship last. I’m not talking about Agape, Storge, or Philia love, but Eros love. A love between a man and a woman that is physical and sexual. Peep game. Have you ever seen two homeless people in love pushing their basket, and sleeping under the bridge together? Hell no!! When things got tough somebody had to bounce and find a better way. Love didn’t keep them together.

  Deep down inside, I believed that Toi was making the right decision. Once you decide to love someone, you have to be able to deal with whatever comes up. When the heat gets too hot, you have to know when to get out. From where I was standing, I felt like their relationship was worth the fight.

  When Toi dropped me off at home, she said she felt a lot better than when she came and got me.

  I asked Toi if she wanted to come in for a drink, but she said no because she had to go home and pack too. Our flight was leaving at seven in the morning, so I didn’t have much time to relax. I had to start packing right away. I hate rushing, but I was so exhausted from work and dinner that I had to take a few minutes to regroup.

  I turned on my India Arie CD and went to my minibar for a glass of Merlot. There y’all go again, hating. No, I’m not boogie because I drink red wine. Everybody can’t roll up a sweet and blow big to release stress. When you cross that invisible economic divide, as they say, shit gets real. In other words, I have way too much to lose to let what folks think make me do something stupid. Although I was tired, I was still hyped about seeing Michael. I could barely wait. Once I was relaxed and settled, I began to pack for the next day. Toi was picking me up at 5:45 in the morning, and I wanted to have everything packed and by the front door.

  Just when I was closing up my last bag, I heard a knock at my front door.

  “I bet that’s Toi. She wanted a bottle of that champagne I got from overseas last year for our trip. She probably thinks I’ma forget it or something.”

  I opened the door without looking out the peephole.

  “I had to see you Candice,” Fred said and then pushed open the door.

  “I can’t talk to you right now Fred, I’m getting ready to leave town. What are you doing here?”

  I did not trust myself alone with him. As soon as I opened the door I had flashbacks of how fine he was and the package that he had in his pants. I had always wanted to make love to him; I just never got the chance. I knew I had to keep my distance or he would be between my legs tasting this candy.

  I knew he was going to start lying and begging. I wasn’t in the mood for none of his Keith Sweat “baby please” bullshit. Why can’t y’all niggas just go when it’s over?

  “Please Candice, just talk to me for a minute so I can explain what happened; so I can explain my situation.”

  What I couldn’t understand was how he was gonna explain being married. Either you are or you aren’t. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say, so I tried to get past him to open the door for him to leave. He stepped in front of me and said in an adamant tone, “I’m not leaving until you talk to me.” He pulled me away from the door.

  “I didn’t make an extra trip here just to leave without talking to you.”

  My mind started racing . . . this nigga gotta be crazy. If I can just get to my dresser, I’ma bust a cap in his lying no-good stankin’ butt for sho. Who did he think he was manhandling me like that? He done messed with the wrong one today.

  Then he said softly, “Please Candice, please just give me a minute of your time. Don’t I deserve that?”

  “You don’t deserve nothin’ from me. I was honest with you from the very beginning and you lied. Well, I can’t say you lied, but you chose not to tell me that you were married.”

  Since this nigga wasn’t planning on leaving no time soon, I walked into the bedroom to finish packing my last bag. He followed me, still trying to explain something that I didn’t want to hear.

  “Baby, I know I should’ve told you that I was married, but I didn’t want to lose you. I’ve been married for nine years. It was something that happened right out of high school. I feel like I owe her. I can’t leave her, but I’m not in love with her. Please, I need you.”

  He tried to put his arms around me, but I pushed him away and moved to the other side of the room.

  “Get out of my damn house, Fred! Please leave me alone! We really don’t have anything else to talk about.”

  I started walking toward the front door, but he grabbed me and held me with a tight grip. With his other hand, he grasped my head and forced me to look at him.

  “Candice, I love you. Baby, I love you. You make me happy. I don’t know how I fell in love with you when I’ve never made love to you, but I did. I want you. I need you. Baby, please, please don’t do this to me.”

  Now what this fool really needed was some good psychiatric help or a hearing aid. He just wasn’t trying to feel a word I was saying.

  He tightened his hold on me and pulled me closer to him, as he held my face between his hands and started kissing me as though he was on fire.

  As I struggled to get away, we fell on the bed. I tried to get my head loose from between his hands, wriggling my body so I could get from under him.

  “No Fred! Please stop, don’t do this!”

  I yelled louder, “Stop Fred! Stop!”

  My voice weakened. I f
elt like I was going to cry, but nothing came out.

  “I can’t stop. I want you. I need you.”

  He started rubbing his hands up and down my body while breathing heavy.

  “Baby relax and let me make you feel good. Give me all of you. Let me give you what you need.”

  “Stop Fred! Please stop!”

  I knew what he wanted, and I knew that he wasn’t going to stop until he got it. I started moving my body quickly from side to side, but his body’s weight wouldn’t let me get free.

  God, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I’ve always been so careful. Why? Why me?

  He started kissing me around my neck and opened up my robe to try and suck my nipples. He was breathing real loud by this time, saying that he couldn’t help it because he needed me. He had unlimited access to my entire body. I didn’t have anything on under my robe.

  He was rubbing his hands everywhere, touching me between my legs trying to pry them open. I kept them tightly closed. He cupped my breast in his hand and started licking my nipples very softly from one to the other while still holding me down with the weight of his body.

  My head started spinning. This can’t be real. This has to be a dream. I refuse to believe this is happening to me.

  “Please stop! Don’t do this Fred! Please get off me! Stop! I’m seeing someone. I have somebody now. Please leave me alone!”

  I kept trying to get away from him, but he held me down harder. He ignored everything I said and continued to rub and kiss my body. He vigorously put his hand between my legs and stuck his finger inside me and then took it out and put it in his mouth.

  “Oh, you taste so good. Let me taste you baby. Let me make you feel good.”

  He forced his finger inside me again and started pushing it in and out. I wanted him to stop. I begged for him to stop, but he wouldn’t.

  He continued to kiss me on my stomach and lick his way down to my pubic hairs. He kissed the top of my clit, barely touching it with his tongue. My head was still spinning, but this was a little different. My sugar walls started pulsating faster with each touch of his tongue. Each kiss was so perfect and concise as he moved up and down from my stomach to my breast and down, trying to get to my clit. It started feeling good, but I didn’t want to like it. I didn’t want to enjoy what he was doing, but his soft lips and wet tongue just kept licking and kissing. And my whole body felt like it was spinning.