Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  I didn’t want him to think that I was enjoying what he was doing, so I yelled . . . a little weaker.

  “No Fred stop! Please stop! Don’t do this!”

  As he kept me pinned down, he whispered in my ear, “I want you baby. Please let me satisfy you. Let me give it all to ya! I promise you’ll like it. I can’t stop; I’ve been waiting on this moment for too long.”

  He pried my legs open and started kissing my inner thighs, using his shoulders as a wedge. He lifted my butt off the bed and pulled me up to his face. He kissed my clit gently and then went back to my inner thighs and sucked them softly. By this time, I was whispering my rejection.

  “Fred please stop! Don’t!”

  I pleaded with him, “Please let me go.”

  With every lick, I got weaker. As he licked my clit softly, the only thing I thought about was how good his warm wet tongue felt.

  As he kept kissing, the voice that was yelling and whispering and pleading for him to stop turned to moans of pleasure.

  “Oh Fred stop. Oh Fred, don’t. Oh! Oh Fred! Fred! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Yes! Yes!”

  At that moment, the only thing I could do was surrender to his passion. My body went limp and I lay there waiting for each kiss, wanting more, wanting all of him.

  “That’s my baby. Let me take care of you. Yeah, that’s my baby, relax and let Daddy satisfy you.”

  He looked into my eyes as he outlined my face gently with his hands. He breathed softly in my ear as he licked my earlobe. He continued to breathe softly while he hungrily kissed me around my neck, ears, and shoulders. His breath on my skin kept my nipples hard and at attention. He put his tongue in my mouth so that I could taste him. He was delicious. The aggressive man that entered my home had turned into an unselfish, gentle, and passionate lover. He held my hands as he kissed me and touched me all over. He rubbed his beautiful body against mine, as he moved up and down on me.

  “Candice, I want you to enjoy this. I want you to want me like I want you. Tell me to stop if you don’t want me to go any further. Tell me to leave.”

  I lay there enjoying his touch, his kiss, his smell, and his gentleness. I wanted him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to leave, even though I knew that it was wrong.

  I guess the feelings I had for him never truly left. I thought I was over him, but I had just pushed my desires deep down inside of me.

  “I want you Fred. I want all of you now. Please don’t stop.”

  He opened up my candy lips and slowly flicked his tongue. Just when my juices were about to erupt, he stopped and said, “I don’t want you to come yet.”

  He had only been kissing it for a short period of time before I started to climax. I was so hot and horny. The thought of him inside me made my juices flow nonstop. He turned me over on my stomach and licked his tongue up and down my back. My faucet wouldn’t stop. I was flowing like a broken water line. I was so hot and it felt like I was going to burst. He stuck his tongue in my butt as he moved his finger slowly in and out of me.

  My body jumped as if I was having convulsions. I had surrendered totally and completely. I lay there enjoying the wonderful sensations that he was giving me. Each time he licked or touched my body, it jumped with excitement and eagerness.

  Then he came up slowly and looked me in my eyes. “Tell me you want it.”

  I looked down at his goods. I had forgotten just how big it was. Damn. I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. As he rubbed his fat ten inches in his hand, I didn’t hesitate to tell him what I wanted.

  “Give it to me Fred. I want it.”

  “Are you sure? Are you sure this is what you want?”

  I didn’t say a word. I just pulled him to me and kissed him with all the passion I had inside. He held me tightly, reached between my legs and pushed his D inside me.

  “Oh baby, you feel so damn good! It’s so tight it won’t let all of me in.” He kept pushing it in me gently.

  “Fred, wait! Let me get a condom.”

  I tried to get up, but he held me down and said, “No I want to feel all of you.”

  I begged him to let me get the condom, but he kept moving his thick pole around; trying to force all of it inside me. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, only then did he relent.

  I got a condom and the KY Jelly, and put it on him. He laid me down and entered me.

  My walls gripped every part of his thick pole as he moved slowly inside of me. The sensation he gave me as he moved in and out of me made me want to open up completely to him. I wrapped my legs around his back and squeezed him closer and further into me.

  As he tender dicked me, he asked, “You mine, ain’t you mine? I love you Candice. I love you.”

  He looked in my eyes and said, “This mine, Candice. Tell me this mine.”

  I didn’t say anything, so he slowed down the strokes and said again, “Tell me you love me Candice. Tell me this is mine.”

  I didn’t want him to stop. I had to have him inside me, so without thinking, I said, “Fred, I love you. This yo pussy.”

  As he made love, he adamantly said, “Nobody gonna get daddy candy.”

  “I!” followed by a gentle stroke, “Don’t!” a slightly harder thrust, “Want!” a harder poke, “Nobody!” an even harder plunge, “In daddy’s pussy!” a series of forceful steady full-length pumps.

  “It’s yours! It’s yours!” I screamed with pleasure. Then I yelled each time he moved that big black lacquered pole in and out of me. I dug my nails into his shoulders and pulled him closer.

  “Give it to me! Oh it’s good! Oh it’s good baby, please don’t stop! Don’t stop! Please! Don’t stop! Please! Please!” I begged him to give it all to me, and he did. We both came at the same time and laid there panting for air.

  I sat there for a few minutes trying to compose myself, realizing what I had just done. I couldn’t believe I just screwed the hell out of Fred. What was I thinking? What was I gonna do?

  He moved over to my side and held me tightly. He held me like he thought I was going to sneak away and leave.

  I tried to get up so I could get a wet washcloth to wipe us off, but he held me firmly and wouldn’t let me move. I dozed off thinking about the mistake I had just made.

  I dreamed that Michael had walked in while I was sucking Fred’s D, and he shot both of us. I could tell right now, nothing good was gonna come from this.

  I didn’t hear Toi knocking on the door. When I didn’t answer, she let herself in. She walked into the room and was surprised when she saw us naked in the bed together.

  “Candice,” she said softly and touched me on my shoulder.

  When I opened my eyes, I knew that she was shocked. She stood there for a moment just staring with a smirk on her face. I can only imagine what she was thinking. Last night, I talked about how wonderful Michael was and how I really wanted our relationship to work; and this morning, I’m in bed naked with a man who I claimed I didn’t want to see again with the sweet smell of sex lingering in the air.

  Now, Toi is not the type to judge, because she knows that sometimes shit happens. I knew that she was wondering how all of this took place in such a short period of time without her even knowing that it was going to go down. Hell, I didn’t know how it really happened. All I knew was that I enjoyed it. I mean I really enjoyed it. I knew I had made a big mistake, but what’s done was done and there was nothing I could do about it.

  The only thing that I regretted was the fact that I liked it all so much. Maybe because the passion had built up after we spent so much time together, or because he was so gentle, or because of the way he held me and looked at me while he was inside me. Just the thought made my body shiver. What was I going to do? He was a married man, and I did have a man now, or at least I had one before last night. I knew that I shouldn’t see him again. I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t, but I knew that I was lying.

  Can a woman want two men or love two men at one time? Now I understand what a man means when he’s messing around knowing t
hat it’s wrong, but he just can’t let the other woman go. I was so confused, but I did know right from wrong. I knew that no one could come before Michael because we had something special that I must consider, and I was not going to let him go.

  I got up out of the bed and told Toi to follow me into the bathroom. Before we could get in there good, she said in a low scream, “Now girl, you just had to get some of that good stuff! I know it was good because Amber told me how good and big he was. I don’t know. He looks DAMN good lying in that bed naked. I don’t know . . . are you . . . are you . . . are you sharing?”

  When Toi asked me that question I wasn’t surprised. She knew who was off limits and who wasn’t. She would never ask me that about Michael, nor I about Johnny. The ones we cared about were off limits, that was the rule. On the other hand, everybody else was there to be had. All she had just gone through with Johnny, I knew she needed something to take her mind off of it, if only for a few minutes.

  I didn’t hesitate to tell her to go ahead and get it. I wanted to see him screw her. I wanted to be mad at him. I knew he’d make love to her just as passionately as he had to me and that would let me know that I didn’t mean a thang to him. Sometimes we all have to do stupid things to get our lives back in perspective.

  Toi took all her clothes off and went over to Fred. He was still asleep when she took his D in her hand, put it in her mouth and swallowed half of it. As he began to gain consciousness, he was startled at the fact that it wasn’t me. I told him it was cool, and he didn’t seem to have any problem with it either.

  After he was as hard as steel, he put a condom on and began to stuff all his meat inside her. He didn’t moan or even look her in the eyes. He wasn’t gentle or nothing. It was different with me.

  I was wrong. I was really wrong. He gave it to her with the same force as he did Amber; without feeling, without passion. It was just straight fucking. Damn him.

  We had to run through the airport, rush through security and hope that the airplane door wouldn’t close before we got there. As we ran to the gate, I started thinking about how much I missed Michael. I really needed to see him to take my mind off of all the madness that went on last night.

  Part of me wished that we missed our flight. It would give me more time to digest everything. I know I’m trippin’. I have feelings for a married man who I saw bone my two best friends. On top of all that, I’m falling for a man who thinks I’ve been totally monogamous.

  We barely made our plane. Toi sat on the plane talking about how good Fred’s D was. I regretted going to bed with him last night, but it happened. I just needed to try and forget about it. Michael meant everything to me, and I didn’t want to lose him.

  I already thought about what y’all thinking. I shoulda took that into consideration before we had sex. I have to put what happened behind me though.

  As the plane landed, Toi got a little apprehensive about seeing Johnny. She knew she had to pretend that nothing had happened. But, how can you pretend that you don’t know your man is screwing his supposed best friend in the behind? She had to have a lot of strength to even deal with him let alone try to work it out. I prayed that this week would be good to her and our plan would work out like we hoped.

  “Hey baby.”

  I ran into Michael’s arms and held him tightly. With him I felt safe and secure. I didn’t want to let that feeling go. He held me as if he needed to hold me as much as I needed to hold him. He smelled so good. I ran my hands up and down his arms, looking into his eyes as he told me how much he missed me. I knew this was where I belonged, and I would not be stupid and lose it for anything or anyone. Yeah, at that moment, I knew that I definitely would not be fooling around with Fred anymore. That big thang, no matter how good it was, wasn’t worth giving up the sense of security I felt with Michael.

  ELEVEN

  Rent needs to be paid

  The bills and car note are due,

  Baby need milk, food,

  clothes, and shoes too;

  A single mother won’t think twice

  She definitely has the clue,

  That a woman gotta do what . . .

  a woman gotta do

  Michael and I waited with Toi for Johnny. I could tell by how quiet Toi was that she wasn’t looking forward to seeing Johnny this soon. When he finally showed up, Toby was in the car with him. Damn, here we go again. I looked at Toi and saw the hesitation in her eyes. I imagine that seeing those two together brought back that horrible picture to her mind. I walked over to her and said, “Sister girl, you have to be strong. Are you sure that you want to go through with it?”

  She looked at me for a minute.

  “Yes I do.”

  “Well, you have to stick to the plan and put on your best performance. We’ll soon have Toby out of his life, but you have to be patient.”

  Before she could respond, Johnny jumped out of the car and was already picking her up, turning her around and kissing her. He told her how much he missed her and that she couldn’t stay away from him that long again. He was so excited to see her. It was hard for me to imagine him with anybody but Toi, especially a man. But, you never know. From experience, the most manly of men are usually the ones with a tank full of sugar.

  I watched her to see if she could handle it. She could. She held him and kissed him back. I looked over at Toby in the car just to see his reaction. He had the same stupid look on his face that he had the last time I saw him. He had to go. He hated to see them together, but he knew that there was nothing that he could do about it. As I watched Toi and Johnny, I could see that he genuinely loved her. He just had a secret passion; the booty.

  Michael gave Johnny a pound and told him not to expect to see us later. He wasn’t sharing me with anyone tonight. My baby wanted me all to himself. I gave Toi a hug and waved bye as we walked away.

  A stretched white Navigator limousine pulled up in front of us. The driver got out and opened the door. I looked around for the person that the driver was picking up. Michael said, “Baby, your chariot awaits.”

  I didn’t know that he’d rented a limousine to pick me up. My man was full of surprises. I was eager to know what was next on his agenda, but I didn’t ask any questions. I just got in, snuggled against my baby, and enjoyed the ride.

  It was a hot, humid, and muggy summer day in Atlanta, but it was still beautiful. Michael knew that I like sunlight, so he pulled back the cover of the sunroof. He turned on a Keith Sweat disc and made me a mimosa.

  I remember telling him before that my favorite CD was the first one Keith Sweat released. When he put on that track, I felt all my concerns melt away.

  “Relax baby. Let me take off your sandals,” Michael said.

  He massaged my feet with peppermint massage oil. Just as I started to relax, I felt his tongue licking up my leg.

  “Oh baby, what you doing? Oh yeah . . . you know exactly what Mama likes.”

  He kissed and licked me softly, until I came. He used a towel to wipe the wetness from between my legs.

  I’ve never met a man like Michael. He aims to please and will do whatever it takes to satisfy. Most men with money are very selfish and couldn’t please a woman if their life depended on it. I knew Michael hadn’t treated all his women as good as he treats me and that was what made our relationship special. My feelings for him were strong. For the first time in a while, I knew that I meant something to a man, my man. Although I believe in that whole “I’m a woman, hear me roar” stuff about loving yourself first, it’s always good to know that your man is down for you too.

  “Come on sugar, let mama get some,” I purred as he held me.

  “I just wanted to satisfy you and taste your sweetness. You’ve been gone away from me for too long, and I just couldn’t look at your beauty and not taste you. We’ll finish the rest later. Right now, I want you to let me hold you until we get to where we’re going.” He wrapped his arms around me, and I melted.

  I know I’m no angel, but this was as close to h
eaven as I’ll probably get. If I could just have put my life on pause at that moment, I’d say that I’d found my little slice of perfection.

  The limo kept driving, and I obediently followed Michael’s orders. I kept my eyes closed and inhaled as much of his scent as I could.

  Our first stop was an exclusive hotel in Buckhead for their champagne brunch. It was a forty-minute wait, but since the hostess knew Michael played ball, we got seated right away. I went straight to the omelet bar and got an omelet with turkey, cheese, tomato, and green peppers. The breakfast sausage smelled good, but I had to pass on it.

  You know, I try to stay away from the beef and pork. Actually, I eat very little beef and no pork at all. It helps me to keep my hourglass figure at exactly an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no health freak. Yo girl still cooks with pork to season food. Hell, when you grow up on the stuff, it’s hard to let it go completely.

  Michael went to the seafood bar and piled up on the shrimp and lobster cocktails. As I watched him walk back to the table, I thought about how much it would hurt to lose him. I thought about the mistake I made with Fred. Look, I know I was wrong, but do you have to keep judging me? Yeah, I’m talking to you reading this book. Whatever comes my way, I know I brought it on myself. Out of all of the dumb mess I could’ve done, why did I have to go and screw Fred? I knew that I couldn’t take that chance again. I actually think that I love Michael. At least, I know I love the person that he is and the way he treats me. Isn’t that enough? Don’t even think about trying to answer that.

  After we ate, we went across the street to Phipps Plaza, a popular shopping center for the wealthier residents of Atlanta. Michael had already picked out two outfits that he wanted me to try on.