Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  If the player is weak-minded, pussy-led, and don’t have no morals, he’ll make that same hoe that’s been with most of his friends his wife. Ain’t that a bitch?

  What’s funny about that whole situation is that anything is good when you’re creeping. It’s surreal, a fantasy. When all of the sneaking ain’t a game no more, it becomes something you must deal with every single day. Reality sinks in, and the player realizes that the grass he thought was greener on the other side is only turf, a cheap substitute that could never replace the real thing—the original Mrs.

  When he wakes up, his true love is gone and the nigga is unhappy. But he is still trying to convince himself and others that he made the right decision.

  On the other hand, the life of a ballplayer’s wife revolves around her man. She waits for him to come home, so they can talk about his day. Instead of getting the affection she so desperately needs, she’s confronted with nothing but his emptiness.

  He can’t understand why she’s so unhappy when he’s provided her with all of the finest things in life that money can buy. What he fails to understand is that he’s her total life, but she knows that she’s only a small part of his. How can a woman be happy knowing everything and everybody comes before her in their marriage? And y’all wonder why these marriages don’t last. Some folks are just too messed up in the head, just plain stupid.

  Anyway, Michael made me promise him that I’d be in Atlanta waiting for him when he returned from his latest road trip. Of course I was gonna be there. I couldn’t stay away from my man too long. He has his needs and I surely have mine. Believe that!

  During the last two months, Fred had called me a lot. He would go from talking all sweet to cursing me out.

  I got so tired of him bothering and worrying me that I changed all my phone numbers. He refused to believe that I was in love and that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him. Even though I knew he wanted me, that fool couldn’t give me what I needed in a relationship. And . . . um . . . I’m no hater or nothing, but I’m not trying to share the man I’m in love with. I’m not trying to share him with nobody.

  Toi and Johnny had set a date for their wedding. I was so happy for her. They were truly in love and enjoyed each other’s company. I just hoped Johnny had totally given up his extracurricular activities. Sometimes old habits are hard to break.

  Toi had been getting a lot of crazy phone calls. When she picked up the phone, all she’d hear was some heavy breathing. Sometimes, whoever the pervert was on the other end just hung up when she said “hello.” It got so bad that she had to call the police because the muffled voice on the other end said, “You dead bitch.” Like I told my girl, I don’t know. She’d better just be careful.

  My flight arrived in the Atlanta airport forty-five minutes before Michael’s flight. After the limo driver retrieved my luggage, he drove me to the baggage claim where Michael would exit.

  “I missed you so much,” Michael said with much sincerity. His arms were my sanctuary. When I was there, I had no worries. If I could package that feeling and sell it, I’d be a billionaire a million times over. Most people look for that feeling all their lives, but only a very few find it. I consider it a blessing.

  “Where are we going baby?” I asked.

  “You’ll see soon enough, my love,” he replied.

  I didn’t inquire any further. I just enjoyed the ride.

  We pulled up in front of my favorite restaurant, Sanders Supper Club. My smile told him how excited and pleased I was. Sanders Supper Club is an upscale restaurant that has the best fried lobster that I’ve ever tasted. The ambiance is mellow, and the customer service is great.

  As we entered the restaurant, the maître d’ escorted us to a secluded room in the back of the restaurant. The room was full of beautiful exotic floral arrangements and roses of various colors. I mean . . . the entire room was full of the flowers, and in the left corner sat a baby grand piano. A pianist was playing and singing, “One in a Million.”

  “Baby you know that I love you and I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without you in my life,” Michael said.

  Then he handed me a white rose. “Baby, this white rose symbolizes the purity of the love that I have for you. I love and accept you completely and would never try to change who you are.”

  He lifted my hands and kissed them softly. Then he just sat there for a few seconds staring at me without saying a word.

  He picked up a pink rose and handed it to me. “This pink rose symbolizes how beautiful you are to me. I’m not talking about your physical beauty . . .”

  He stopped for a minute and softly touched my face. Then he traced my lips with the tip of his fingers. “I’m talking about your inner beauty. How you always put me and others before yourself. Always wanting to please everyone and make them happy, doing this all without compromising your self-respect or self-esteem.”

  He handed me a red rose. “This red rose symbolizes all the love in my heart that I have for you. It symbolizes how much you mean to me and that I want to share all of me with you. You are a part of me and without you, I’m not whole. I need you to be a part of my life. I need your love, your touch and all the mental stimulation that you give me. When I’m down you always know it. I don’t have to tell you when I don’t want to be bothered, you just lie next to me and don’t say anything. I love you for that and for trying to understand my ways. I know that I’m not perfect and probably will never be. But I do know that I love you and want you to be my wife.”

  He hesitated and stared deeply into my eyes. “Candice, you’re the one and only woman for me. I’d be honored if you would be my lady for life. What I’m trying to say . . . is will you marry me?”

  When I was finally able to see through the tears that flooded my eyes, I looked down at the rose he had handed me and that’s when I saw an engagement ring hanging from one of the stems. Tears were streaming down my face while my hands shook uncontrollably as I tried to get the ring.

  Michael noticed that I was too nervous to get the ring off the stem, so he reached over and got the ring, bent down on one knee and said again, “Baby, I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together as one. I want us to raise a family together. Oh baby, I love you so much . . . Will you marry me?”

  I couldn’t stop crying because I was so happy. The greatest man in the world, whom I love, adore, and admire, had just asked me to be his wife. My heart was saying yes, but my mouth wasn’t moving.

  Finally, I got control and whispered, “Yes.”

  He slipped the ring on my finger, picked me up out of the chair and started turning me around laughing and saying, “She said yes! She said yes! Thank you Jesus!”

  Suddenly, the doors opened and all of our friends walked in. I was so surprised to see them.

  Toi, Johnny, Amber, and everybody else yelled, “Con-gratulations!”

  Toi and Amber hugged me while Amber said, “I guess all three of us will be old married pregnant ladies soon.” We all laughed and reached out for our men.

  “Old, I can’t agree with that shit,” I said.

  “I can’t agree with that old shit either. I am too damn fine and sexy,” Toi stated.

  “Hey, I guess the OAD Club is one deep,” I said.

  “OAD? What the hell is that?” Johnny asked.

  “Old Ass Diva,” I replied with a big smile.

  This was really a surprise. They really kept it all from me. I didn’t even know Toi and Amber were in Atlanta. I was so glad that they were here to help me celebrate my engagement to Michael.

  I was about to take the plunge again. After years of being alone—notice I didn’t say lonely— I’m ready to give myself to a man. A man who I would be honored to spend the rest of my life with. Besides meeting Michael, this had to be one of the best days in my life.

  During the course of the evening, we decided that we’d have a double wedding: Johnny, Toi, Michael, and myself. This decision woul
d give Toi and me even more to talk about. I couldn’t wait to start planning for the big day.

  When we left the restaurant, one of Johnny’s tires was slashed and both sides of his car had been keyed. We looked around, but didn’t see anybody. I felt as if someone was watching us.

  Toi had something similar happen to her back in Florida, but this was Atlanta. Maybe it was all just a coincidence.

  Michael and Johnny changed the tire. They couldn’t think of a reason why someone would do that to Johnny’s car. I know Toi probably thought that it might be another woman, even though she didn’t say so.

  After we got tired of talking about why it might have happened, Toi and Johnny left and we headed for Michael’s house.

  The season would be over in October. We decided to have the wedding the following June. We only had a few months to plan the perfect double wedding, and I sure was looking forward to it.

  FIFTEEN

  I did it

  It’s done

  I can’t fret

  It was a learning experience

  So I have . . .

  no regrets

  Time moves so fast. Can you believe that it was only two days before I was to be married? I thought that I’d be scared to death by then, but I’d managed to keep my cool. Maybe because this was the day that most women dream about, walking down an aisle into the life of a good man. If you ask me, I’m the luckiest woman in the world.

  Since I never really knew my no-good-for-nothin’ dad who lived only twenty minutes from me, I asked Big Money, my closest friend in the world, to walk me down the aisle.

  When I look at Big Money, I see years of love there. I love him, and I know that he loves me. He’s been more than a friend for the last twenty-seven years of my life. He has had the leading male role in my life’s story for as long as I can remember. Anything that a man can be for a woman, he’s been for me. Money has managed to be my brother, father, lover, friend, confidant, and security blanket. Through all of the different stages in my life, we’ve still found a way to maintain our loyalty, love, and trust for each other.

  It’s kind of hard to believe, but he’s finally let the street game go. At one time, he owned most of the old houses on Rosemary Avenue, where we grew up. He had over twenty blocks of housing and commercial developments. When I say this, I mean he actually held the titles to these buildings.

  Money has always been a smart man. He used to have this big-time attorney representing him who had an office in Palm Beach. While waiting to meet with his attorney one day, he overheard him talking to one of the city officials from West Palm Beach. They were talking about revitalizing the whole downtown area and getting rid of the old buildings. They even had drawings of the new downtown district.

  After thorough checking, he confirmed what he heard. He knew if he acted fast it’d benefit him in the long run. He didn’t tell a soul but me. He said that it was a blessing that he heard that information and he had to take advantage of it. Money, being a true hustler, heard opportunity knocking and let it in.

  Coming from the streets, he knew the owners wanted to sell their houses, but no one was biting because the neighborhood had gotten so rundown. Can you imagine you and your kids having to live next to a dilapidated crack house full of junkies?

  It didn’t take Money long to start his campaign. He went to every owner and personally made him or her an offer. Of course the owners sold out. Once they realized that Money had bought all of the old houses, they thought he’d lost his mind. They assumed that he was going to turn the neighborhood into a “crackville” or something.

  When the city started buying up the avenue in order to extend certain roads, combine others, and build high-rise hotels to accommodate the tourists, Money held out longer than any other owner. He owned the properties that sat dead in the middle of the city’s plans. The city had to do whatever it took to purchase the land, or they’d have had to start all over again. When the legal wrangling was over, he cleared a settlement worth over 150 million dollars for the sale of his properties, and yours truly is his money manager.

  He doesn’t have to worry about finances anymore because he’s set for life. After he got his money, he decided to leave West Palm Beach. He realized that he’d gotten tired of the fast life. The only person he took with him was his boy, Black. He moved to a small town around 150 miles outside of Atlanta. He stopped going by Big Money and used his real name, Reginald Johnson. He said he just wanted to meet a good woman, have some children, and enjoy the rest of his life without all the drama. I was proud to have him give me away.

  I made all of the last-minute phone calls and arrangements. I wanted to make sure that everyone knew what they were supposed to do. I had to confirm all the deliveries, approve the menu, and finalize the play list with the DJ. When I couldn’t contact his hyper butt, I went into a small panic, but Toi assured me that I didn’t have to worry, because she had spoken with him already.

  The hair stylist was trippin’ ’cause she said I wanted her there earlier than what the contract said, and I had to pay her more. I had to explain to her that the only thing I was going to pay her was a kick in her nasty behind if she was not there at the time I said. I had already paid her in full and told her that I’d tip her 20 percent of the agreed-upon price once she finished, and she was still acting stupid. She got the message, though, and cleaned up all of the dumb talk.

  I went over my list more than once. Toi kept telling me to relax, but I couldn’t. I had to make sure that everything was going as planned.

  I was trying not to think too much about the actual ceremony. When I did, memories of two girls I once knew kept popping in my head.

  One of the girls was seeing a guy for around six months. They spent three days a week together. They both worked and had responsibilities, so it was hard seeing each other every day. He asked her to marry him and told her he had the ring on layaway. He even took her by the jeweler to see it. She was so happy. She told everyone right away that she was going to get married. Girl, she had even started planning the wedding.

  Two months into the engagement, she was sitting at breakfast with her mom reading the Sunday paper. She was the kind of person that liked to gossip about other people’s business, so she turned to the Wedding Announcement section to see the latest victims. This section highlighted the previous month’s newlyweds by showing them on their wedding day. As soon as she turned to the pages to view all of the pictures, guess whose picture was the first one she saw? BAM! Damn right. Her fiancé, without a ring, had just gotten married the week before.

  A nigga ain’t shit. He didn’t even tell her that he was seeing someone else. She had just stayed the night with him two nights before his wedding day, and he didn’t act suspicious at all.

  Now check this out. When she called me crying, I told her to call him and act like she don’t know and see what he’d say. How ’bout the Negro changed all his numbers and moved out of his apartment. She didn’t even know that he’d moved.

  As I said before, a nigga ain’t shit.

  The most messed-up thing is that the whole situation made her into a hoe. She started humping every man she met to get over him. To this day, she’s somewhere being a tramp, still alone and brokenhearted.

  A woman can’t let a man get her so down to where she loses all of her self-respect. Sometimes shit happens, you just have to deal with it. I’ve learned that’s what being a woman is all about, holding your ground and never giving up.

  I knew this other chick who just wanted to be married. She just wanted a husband and would do anything to get one. She didn’t care whose man he was. Hey, she’d have taken your man, my man, her momma’s man, anybody’s man; she just didn’t want to be alone. She was infatuated with the idea of love and marriage.

  Well anyway, she finally found this fool that agreed to marry her. Yeah, yeah she asked him. I said that she was desperate.

  They set the date and she spent her life’s savings on putting the wedding together.


  I had to give it to her, the crazy fool had good taste, and everything was beautiful.

  On their wedding day, everyone was in the church talking about how everything was well put together. When the music started playing, she stepped into the aisle on her father’s arm. She started strutting, moving gracefully and elegantly. The crazy witch was a beautiful bride. Gotta give props where props are due. All eyes were on her; like I said, I ain’t a hater. She may have been stupid, but she didn’t look stupid.

  Honey, by the time she made it to the end of the aisle, her man had disappeared. First, she stood there anxiously, not knowing what to do. She acted like he had just gone to the bathroom or something and would be right back.

  For an hour, she stood there with her father and wouldn’t move. Neither would she let her father move. She just clung to him tightly like a small child would do when he was scared.

  Once most of the guests had gone, she just sat on the floor at the altar and started crying. Her father had to pick her up and carry her out of the church. She cried for weeks at a time and wouldn’t eat. She started to look like she was really crazy. She used to act like she was, but now she looked like she was, too. In fact, she was the exact opposite of the girl that we just finished talking about.

  Ultimately, the pain and hurt, along with the embarrassment of him leaving her, caused her to take a bottle of pills. When they found her dead on her bedroom floor, she had her wedding dress on.

  I never saw the old boy again. You know, the dude that left her standing at the altar? I guess after she killed herself, he couldn’t face anyone who he thought she knew. Somebody told me he moved to Seattle.

  I’d been praying that our wedding day would be a day to remember. I prayed that everything would go as planned and that it would be a perfect ceremony, one that would be talked about for years and years to come. Toi and I would be there, and hopefully our men would show up. But just in case the niggas wanted to act a little stupid, I got a .22 with a couple of bullets for their asses.