Sins & Secrets

by Carolyn Chambers Sanders

  SIXTEEN

  When I married you

  I knew there would be some hurt

  But I made the commitment . . .

  for better or worse

  Well, today was the big day.. This was the beginning of the rest of my life, and I was ready to get it started. Toi was in the next room getting dressed. She acted like she didn’t have a nervous bone in her body. I was so nervous that my body fluids kept doing their own thang. I’d been shittin’ and showering all morning. I got tired of jumping in the shower every time I would use the bathroom, so I got some baby wipes to keep with me. A woman don’t want to be smelling like shit on her big day. Damn, I hoped it was just nerves and not the runs.

  As I put on my wedding attire, I thought about how far I’d grown emotionally. There was a time when I would’ve never allowed myself to love another man the way I loved Michael. I would’ve never let a man get to my heart the way he had. I never wanted to need a man emotionally, because it’s the worst need of all.

  See, needing someone financially is easy to handle. If that need isn’t met, you move on to the one that can give you the financial security that you desire. But emotions aren’t something that you always have control over. They don’t just come and go. They can’t just be traded in for the next nigga or relationship.

  You know what? It’s scary knowing that you are depending on hearing from someone just to make your day complete and when you don’t hear from that certain someone you feel empty inside, like something is missing.

  I never wanted to have my mental stability depend on an uncontrollable dependence, because feelings, whether love or hate, come and go with the wind. Anyway, feelings are too unpredictable. They will have you doing things you thought you never would do. To me, anything that strong can be very dangerous. I don’t give a damn what it is.

  With Michael, we had a mutual respect for each other. I was glad I waited for love. I’ve had other proposals from men with money, but I wanted more. I wanted it all, and now I had it.

  I listened to those wives who talk about how they like it when their husbands leave or go away on a trip. They can’t stand for him to touch ’em or make love to them. Some even cringe when their husbands try to kiss or hold them. I never wanted to deal with that feeling just for the money. The money has never been an issue. I know how to make my own. Don’t get me wrong, my man has to have financial security. Although I’m not hurting for cash, I must know that my man can take care of me, if needed.

  Like I said before, I want the love and the money. I want it all! I’ve always wanted that special feeling that I’d found with Michael.

  I waited because I wanted the kind of love where I want my man so much that when he leaves, he takes a part of me with him. What keeps me going while he is away from me is that I know he’ll be back soon for his other half and when he gets back everything will be all good. That was the feeling I got with Michael and I would cherish it always.

  Well, Toi and I were ready to take what was hopefully our final walk as single women. I don’t know why, but every episode of Sex and the City flashed through my head before I snapped back to the present moment. Damn, I guess TV does play a major role in the way we think. I heard the music playing. I could feel it in my bones. I listened carefully because when Patti started to sing, that was our cue. Toi was walking down a separate aisle, but we’ll meet at the end.

  When Patti started to sing and I stepped out into the aisle, my heart started racing a mile a minute.

  I tried to take my first step, but my leg wouldn’t move. I just stood there. I tried to move my foot again but nothing happened. For some strange reason, I started breathing fast as if I was about to hyperventilate.

  “Don’t do it! Run! There’s the exit to your left, just go through it! You don’t have to worry about anything else. Run! Don’t look back,” a voice kept repeating in my mind.

  My legs started wobbling, and I looked up at the exit. “Run, while you still have a chance,” the voice continued to say.

  I looked at the exit again and then I looked down the aisle, and I saw Michael standing at the altar. He was smiling, waiting patiently for his woman to join him. When I looked into his eyes and saw the confidence he had in me and in our relationship and I felt all the love he felt for me, I knew that with him was where I belonged. As our eyes locked, he whispered as I read his lips, “I love you, baby.” I knew then that I was not going to let anything stop me from getting to where I belonged.

  My heart slowed down, my panting stopped, and my legs became lighter. I took my first step knowing that I was walking toward my new life. The life I’d waited for all of my days, and the perfect man to share it with. A man I loved and adored.

  I finally made it to the altar. Toi made it to Johnny. He was grinning like he’d just won the Lotto. Toi looked beautiful as usual with a big smile on her face.

  “We are gathered here today . . .” the preacher started speaking. As he continued, I looked deep into Michael’s eyes and felt his energy. I could feel his excitement and happiness.

  Michael and I wrote our own vows. When the preacher stopped, I knew that it was time for me to say what I had written for Michael.

  “I love you Michael. I love you more than life itself. I promise you that I’ll be the best wife and friend that the Lord allows me to be, and I promise to try to be understanding in all aspects of our lives together. I promise to love and cherish you from this day forward. It’s taken me all my life to find you, and I promise that I’ll do everything in my power to keep you happy, to keep us happy and together as one. I promise not to run out when things become tough because at times I know that they will. I will honor you and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.”

  “Candice, I promise to be the best husband that I know how to be. I promise you that I’ll not try to change you, but love you for who you are. I promise to stay open for any change that I may need to keep us happy and growing together as one. I promise you that I will not run out on you if things get hard and that I will always be there for you, loving you, giving you the security that a husband should give his wife. I promise to love you, honor you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.”

  As we kissed, I felt a connection with Michael that I prayed would last a lifetime. I felt as if the final piece of the puzzle was finally in place.

  I looked over at Toi and Johnny and felt their excitement and happiness. Toi and I hugged each other and I said, “We finally did it, and it feels so damn good.”

  We walked down the aisle with our husbands smiling from ear to ear. The guests were reaching out to touch us, congratulating us and clapping as we walked by them.

  “GOD BLESS YOU, and GOOD LUCK!” someone yelled.

  When the church doors opened, the sun shone through brightly. It was a perfect sunny day for a wedding. As we walked, the guests started throwing rice.

  Toi and I stopped to throw our flowers . . .

  “NO! NO!” someone yelled.

  The guests started pushing each other and running fast.

  “STOP! He has a gun!”

  The crowd went frantic, knocking each other down as they trampled each other. When I looked up I saw Toby coming from behind the church. At first, I did not notice the gun in his hand.

  “NOOOOO!” Toi screamed.

  As I heard Toi screaming at the top of her lungs, I looked at her and then looked over to where she was pointing. I saw Toby pointing the gun and I saw the flash of light coming from the gun.

  “Oh my God, Toi watch out,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  Toby was pointing the gun right at Toi, but Johnny stepped in front of her. The crowd scattered, people were running up and down. They ducked behind whatever they thought could give them cover.

  All I could see was the gush of blood that spattered all over Toi’s white dress. I did not know if the bullet had hit Toi or Johnny. As I stood there in disbelief trying to see through the frantic crowd, Big Money grabbed me and pu
lled me down behind a fountain statue.

  I saw Michael looking for me frantically. Money grabbed him and pointed me out to him. “Go take care of my girl, and I’ll handle this.”

  I was still looking at Johnny and Toi. When I saw who the bullet had hit, I screamed.

  “Johnny’s been shot, Johnny’s been shot. Watch out, he still has the gun!”

  The bullet had hit Johnny in the middle of his heart, and blood gushed out everywhere.

  Toby was still standing in front of them looking crazy, with the gun still in his hand. When he realized that he had shot Johnny instead of Toi he started crying while saying, “Bitch, see what you made me do. I didn’t mean to do that Johnny, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I did not want to hurt you, I wanted to . . .”

  He stopped crying and pointed the gun at Toi.

  Toi yelled, “NO! NO! GOD NO! Please don’t do this to me. Please, please please.”

  She continued to say this as she reached for Johnny and pulled him closer to her. I looked at Toby and he was pointing the gun at Toi, but before he could pull the trigger, Big Money pulled out a gun and unloaded. Big Money might have left the street game, but the streets were still part of him. That he had his protection with him at all times was not surprising.

  “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!”

  Toby fell to the ground with the gun still in his hand. Toi jumped up and started kicking him in the head while she said “Why, Toby?! Why did you do this to me?! You took my husband from me, you took my life! Why couldn’t you just leave us alone?! Why!”

  Michael grabbed her and pulled her over to where I was. She was still screaming at Toby. I tried to calm her down, but it didn’t help. She kept crying and screaming at the top of her lungs.

  “Why, Candice? Why did he do this to us? Why? Why, Candice, why?”

  I didn’t know what to do or say. I tried to calm her down again, but she was too hysterical. I felt so sorry for her and yet still I knew there wasn’t anything that I could do to take her pain away. This was one of the few times that I didn’t have the answers.

  All I heard was the ringing of gunshots in my ears, “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” Toi was still screaming uncontrollably and the crowd was shocked with disbelief.

  When I looked up, Big Money and his boy Black were taking all the tapes from the cameras and the video equipment. They also took all the photographers’ film.

  He ran over to me and said, “Red, me and my man have to bounce before the police come. Take care of your girl, and I’ll be in touch.”

  He disappeared in a matter of seconds. All I kept hearing in my head was the gunshots, the screaming, Toi crying, and the sirens from the ambulance and police cars.

  I kept waiting to wake up because I knew this had to be a dream. Please, God let me wake up, I knew this couldn’t be real. But as I touched myself and felt the wetness from the blood that was on Toi’s dress and face, I knew that it was real and there was nothing that I could do to change it.

  This was supposed to be the most beautiful and joyous day of our lives and it ended in a tragedy that would affect each one of us in one way or another.

  SEVENTEEN

  Life ain’t fair and it never will be

  The adversity built my character

  Brought me closer to me,

  My character prepared me for success

  It helped me to weather the storms

  And wouldn’t let me settle for less,

  Life ain’t fair and it never will be

  So why you still jealous

  Envious and hatin’ on me,

  I have been through the struggle

  But that part you can not see

  Wishing I don’t succeed

  Hoping that I’m unhappy,

  Life ain’t fair and it never will be

  So every morning I pray

  Lord please help me through another day

  Lord I need a blessing

  Please throw one my way,

  Every night I pray

  Lord thank you for being with me

  Thank you for my health, strength, and family

  Thank you for the endurance you’ve given me

  To deal with . . .

  life ain’t fair. . . and it never will be

  Good morning sweetheart,” I said to Michael as he

  walked into the kitchen.

  “Good morning my beautiful angels,” he replied as he smiled and kissed me on my lips. He kissed Mykyla on her forehead.

  Yeah, I’m still living a fairy-tale life with Michael. We get along so well that every day seems like a minivacation. Our marriage is almost perfect. I can’t think of a serious argument we’ve ever had. In the beginning, can you believe that your girl used to wait for something bad to happen? Everything was so perfect, I just knew that it would not last. Eventually, though, I accepted the fact that we’re meant to be together. That’s when I decided not to create or wait for problems that don’t exist. If you think about it, most of us are drama queens. We’ve become so used to problems that we create our own drama just to have something to complain about.

  Michael and I disagree sometimes, but since both of us are so easygoing it hasn’t escalated into nothing major. We are definitely soulmates. I know what he is thinking before he says it and he knows how I feel without me explaining.

  I’ve finally figured out the key to making a relationship work and last: Both people have to want it. There must be mutual respect, communication, and both of you must have an open mind. Both people must also try to understand what has been communicated. They must be able to trust each other and should not smother each other because of insecurity. Spending all of their free time together is good, but only if they both enjoy each other’s time and not because they are trying to keep track of each other’s whereabouts. Remember, everybody needs some space every now and then.

  You must love each other, but that is not the key ingredient. The key ingredient to a successful relationship is “adoration.” When you adore someone, you like everything about that person. The way he walks is sexy, the way he holds his fork is cute, and if he just happens to spill something on your new dress it’s funny to you, because you never knew he could be so clumsy. Yeah, when you adore someone you surpass love, because there isn’t much the person can do that you won’t find cute or find a way to admire.

  Just when I thought our marriage couldn’t get any better, I was proven wrong. Since the birth of our baby girl, Mykyla, who is thirteen months old, our relationship has become so good that it really scares me to think about how much in love we are. Mykyla is a beautiful little girl and she looks just like her daddy. She has the same hair I had when I was a child, big curly locks. Her skin is pecan tan, which is a combination of both of our complexions. We’ve been trying to have a second child; Michael wants a son. I’ve been feeling funny this past week, so let’s just keep our fingers crossed.

  I cook eggs, pancakes, cheese grits, and sausage. Michael always likes a good breakfast because he usually eats only fruit for lunch. He doesn’t like to practice or play on a full stomach. He thinks that it slows him down.

  “Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man,” Michael sang to Mykyla as he clapped her hands together.

  He keeps a smile on her face and on mine. He really works hard to make us happy. When Mykyla sees her father, she reaches out with a grin from ear to ear. She’s truly a “daddy’s girl.”

  As I look at my beautiful family, I think about how blessed I am. For years Big Money, Toi, and Amber have been the only family I’ve had. Now I have a respectable husband, a healthy baby girl, and a beautiful marriage. What more can a woman ask for? Well money, we have that too. So there’s definitely no complaining on this end.

  Life has finally dealt me a decent hand, one that I can work with. I’d feel guilty if I asked for any more than I have now. When I think about it, the only thing that’s missing in my life is my relationship with Toi.

  It’s been two years since the shooting, and I haven’t really tal
ked to Toi since that day. After the ambulance took Johnny to the hospital, only to be pronounced dead, Toi seemed to lose a little bit of her sanity. She wouldn’t respond when people spoke to her. She just sat in her chair staring at the hospital walls. She didn’t even go to identify her husband’s body. I had to do it. I tried to take her home, but she wouldn’t go. Amber and I ended up sitting with her for hours in the private waiting room of the hospital.

  At that time I had a sharp piercing pain run through my heart. I felt guilty about the happiness I had by being Michael’s wife. Wow . . . think about it. What if it had been Michael instead of Johnny? I really don’t know how I would have reacted, but I know that I’d be crazy right about now.

  Toi and Johnny were a perfect match. I don’t care what kind of extra activities he had going on. She’d waited all her life for a man like him, just to have him taken away over something dumb. I was in real pain, because I couldn’t do anything to ease Toi’s agony. I could only imagine how devastated she was. One minute she was happier then she thought she could ever be. She was living the dream that she thought would never come true. The next the carpet was pulled from under her and she landed right on her back wondering why in the hell she had to wake up. Life is a motha.

  Damn, I wished there was something that I could’ve done to ease my girl’s pain. The emptiness that I saw in her eyes scared the hell out of me. It wasn’t a look of hurt, but one of revenge. But who would she get back at? Toby was already dead. Was she mad at the world? Did she still want to live?

  She sat and looked at the walls without paying attention to her surroundings. There wasn’t a thing that I could do to bring her out of that state of shock. I just sat with her and held her close to me. I didn’t say a word for hours. The only voice I heard was the paging of doctors over the hospital’s intercom system.

  After hours of sitting and holding her in silence, I got up to go use the bathroom. When I came back, Toi was gone. I asked Amber where she went and she said, “To the bathroom.” I was so pissed off at Amber. I couldn’t understand why she’d let Toi go to the bathroom by herself. She knew that Toi was trippin’.