Begin Where We Are

by Knightley, Diana

  “Why were they speakin’ on it?”

  “It was a while ago, Sean was wonderin’ if I might also be a—”

  She set her jaw. “Sean Campbell should ken better before he wonders such a thing, I have a half a mind ta—” She took a deep angry breath. “My midwife was accus’d. Twas the physician who started it and a few hateful souls who added tae it. There was nae speakin’ on her behalf once the idea had taken root. It began with a word, Kaitlyn, twas all it took. She was a gentle heart and verra wise. I will regret her nae attendin’ me this birth.”

  “Who will be your midwife now?”

  “There is one in the village. She will attend me.”

  “Is she good? I mean, do women make it through…?”

  “As ye ken, Kaitlyn, tis a tough journey nae matter the midwife. She is nae my first choice. It is whispered that she daena ken tae be kind. But…” She shook her head. “Twill be fine and I have done so twice already, tis nothin’ tae worry on.”

  “Still I worry.”

  “I ken, we all do.” She squeezed my hand and gave it a nice but not quite comforting pat.

  Chapter 47

  Lizbeth and I entered the Great Hall looking for the men. It was mostly empty until a large group of boisterous men entered, perhaps thirty men altogether, loud enough to be a hundred. For a moment it was noisy and unsettling and I was furious with him and didn’t want to see him but I also kept looking for him in the crowd.

  And then there he was.

  He came to me — quiet and intent. His eyes had a look to them that reminded me of the day we discussed our wedding across the boardwalk. Not knowing what to say. Not understanding what we each were thinking.

  He said, “I was worried ye wouldna be here.”

  “I’m not the one who leaves.” I cut my eyes at him and added, “Where else would I be? There’s no where else.”

  “Och.” He shifted. His gaze glanced around the room and then settled back on me.

  I asked, “What have you been doing?”

  “Quentin and I have been improvin’ security. We stationed more men on the walls and have had a strategy meeting with Uncle Baldie and the Earl. I have explained that there may be trouble followin’ us, but I believe the protection is ample.”

  “That’s a relief.”

  “Aye.” We stood awkwardly.

  “Kaitlyn…” he shifted. “You haena learned anythin’ new. I dinna keep the truth from ye.”

  “I understand that, but still — seeing it… Once seen, I don’t know if I can unsee it.”

  “I still believe we can build strength from the pieces.”

  “Yeah… but I tripped on that first piece we placed for our wall.”

  “Aye, we have tae place another and another.” He held a hand out before him, flat. I laid a hand over his. He put a hand on top of mine. “That is how we build.”

  I nodded.

  “Have ye eaten yet? I hear food is about.”

  He turned to his Uncle Baldie and said, “I am much starved, Uncle, any chance of food appearin’ before I fall famish’d tae my grave?”

  His Uncle Baldie laughed. “Tis the Earl’s schedule we live by here, Young Magnus. Ye needs must be patient. I daena think he has risen yet from his afternoon nap. If we return tae Argyll, then I will ken the food schedule. We will eat on my time.” He patted his round stomach. “All the time.”

  Men sat all around on chairs up and down the table, but also gathered in a seating area to the side and a few smaller tables set up in the corners. Trays of food were placed down the table and then men were serving themselves like a buffet, but messier with way fewer manners. Whisky and beer mugs were passed around and voices were raising with excitement and drink. Magnus took two chairs and turned them around so our back was to the table and we faced the room. Quentin sat beside me. We ate with our plates in our lap.

  Sean stood up and said, “Young Magnus, I want tae hear your latest tale. Ye have the pallor of someone who has been defeated on a battlefield though ye are walking around nae yet a ghost.”

  Magnus smiled. “I haena died yet.” He put his plate down on the table behind him and stood to tell his story.

  “Since I left here, Brother, I have been tae see the lands of my father.”

  Uncle Baldie called from his place down the table, “Donnan? I thought he was long dead and I rejoiced tae hear of it.”

  “Aye, he wasna dead when my story began, and ye were right tae speak of him in that way. I met him and his reputation was much deserved.”

  Sean boomed, “So tell us the story of it. Ye are talkin’ of him as if he has passed.”

  “Aye, he is nae more, but tis nae his story ye want tae hear, twas my own…” His face turned serious. “While I was in the lands of my father I was made tae fight tae the death in an arena.”

  One of the men said, “Does this explain your size? You are twice the man ye once were.”

  “Aye, twas much trainin’ tae accomplish it. I became a warrior. I was made tae fight for the throne. I said tae Donnan, ‘I daena want your throne,’ but he wouldna listen. I had tae meet my Uncle Tanrick in the arena. Have ye met Tanrick, Uncle Baldie?”

  “Nae.”

  “He was verra massive.” Magnus spread his arms to show the width of his shoulders. “The fight was nae fair and I told him so. I said, ‘Uncle Tanrick, lay down your weapons. I do nae want the throne. I daena want tae fight ye, and without a doubt ye are vanquished where ye stand.’” Magnus’s cockiness was met with laughter.

  He took a swig of beer while the laughter died down. “But Tanrick would nae put his weapon down. He wanted tae fight, so I fought him.”

  “What sword?”

  “A broadsword.”

  “Yet ye stand here and this daena explain the injury tae the ribs, Young Magnus.”

  “It daena. He fought well, though in the end I defeated him and was declared the victor. People were chantin’ my name in the stands.” He pulled up the sleeve to show his shoulder, but dropped his sleeve again before he exposed the bite mark. He pointed to the shoulder instead. “I had a deep cut here and here.”

  “A week later I was called upon tae fight one of Donnan’s sons.”

  “Your own brother?” asked Sean. “Should I be more cautious with ye?”

  “I am the same brother ye ken before. As to this brother, I haena ever met him so twas nae difference tae me. I told him I would spare his life if he would place down his axe. I said I dinna want the throne. That I dinna want tae fight, but he never answered. He stared across the battlefield and shifted the axe from hand tae hand. So I fought him. I was declared the winner with three swings. I was verra surprised, I haena fought with an axe before.”

  Uncle Baldie said. “Whoa ho, young Magnus, ye had two victories then!”

  “The chantin’ was loud, ‘Magnus! Magnus! Magnus!’” He grinned. “I was verra pleased with the victories, but I wasna allowed tae rest for long. Another son of Donnan wanted tae fight me so I was brought to the arena once more.”

  “What weapon this time?” asked Uncle Baldie.

  “This time twas a hammer. Twas blunt and had a heavy head about it. And this brother had been trainin’ with the weapon. He had been studyin’ my fightin’ tae learn how tae defeat me. Tae begin the fight I told him I daena want the throne and tae put down his weapon. He answered, ‘I will watch you die at my feet.’ Twas his blows that caused m’injuries.”

  Magnus pretended to swing and then groaned and held his ribs. “He hit me again and again and twas a struggle tae remain standin’, but in the end I brought the hammer around and got him tae the ground.” He swung toward the ground like he was reliving it. “I killed him after many blows — he dinna die at my feet though, I lay injured on the ground beside him. I was borne away tae the physician after the fight, but I was nae defeated.”

  Sean said, “Well done brother, tis the Campbell in ye that ye fought so well.”

  “I was trained by the best.”

&nb
sp; Uncle Baldie asked, “But what happened tae Donnan?”

  Magnus slowed down his bravado and bragging. He was thoughtful for a moment. “Donnan — I daena wish tae waste m’breath on him. Suffice it tae say King Donnan lay dead at the feet of a Campbell.”

  His audience erupted into laughter and general cheering and across the men Magnus’s eyes met mine.

  Sean asked, “Tell me, if your father, King Donnan, lies dead in his far-off lands, why are ye here? By my understandin’ ye have a throne now. You are a king.”

  Magnus chuckled. “Were ye nae listenin’ tae the story, Sean? I daena want the throne!”

  There was a great deal of laughter in the room.

  Sean shook his head. “You are willin’ tae give up a kingdom, Brother, what for?”

  “For Kaitlyn, tae live with Kaitlyn on an island across a far away ocean. Tis an easy trade for me.”

  Sean waved him away with a hand. “Och, Little Brother, ye are always of a different mind than me.” He patted Magnus on the back, overly hard.

  Much alcohol was consumed. Many battle stories were told. Most of the men had accents so thick I couldn’t understand a word they said, but the pantomimes and facial expressions helped me enjoy it. The whole evening was immensely entertaining.

  Quentin stayed sober but looked like he was enjoying himself. Lizbeth smiled whenever our eyes met, a knowing smile, an I’m-supportive-of-you and you’re-doing-great smile.

  As we sat there in our chairs, side by side, Magnus’s hand was resting on his thigh, close to mine. He slowly, very very slowly turned it over, palm up, and then he left it there, open, inviting, tempting.

  A few moments later I shifted my hand, slowly, closer and very casually, almost imperceptibly, I placed my hand gingerly in his.

  Without looking I felt his hand fold around mine. I took a long breath in and exhaled a long breath out.

  And that too was enough for now.

  * * *

  Magnus needed to return to our room. The day had been long and he needed to rest.

  We gathered in a small group to say goodnight. Quentin had been sleeping in a guest room of sorts. It was near ours, a sleeping quarters for the men who were casual guests of the castle. Quentin complained, “The room is so full of farts that it’s a surprise we didn’t suffocate.”

  He was lobbying to have better quarters, but Sean clapped him on the back as he overheard our discussion. “Black MacMagnus, those are the better quarters. The other option is the nursery with the wailing bairn, or the Great Hall. It may have a better breeze but nae as much comfort.”

  Later, headed up the hallways, Quentin complained, “By comfort he means that sack of straw I slept on? I think there were bugs inside.”

  Magnus said, “Ye canna sleep with me, Master Quentin. The guard is usually stationed on the outside of the door. We’ll discuss tomorrow the plan tae get ye home, but twould be great fun tae have ye the next day, will be Lughnasadh, a once in a lifetime tae go to a festival in the far past.”

  Chapter 48

  It was still light out though it was night already.

  Magnus said, “Come here, Kaitlyn, I will help ye with your laces.”

  I stood in front of him and he quietly loosened them down the row, pulled them apart, and then we worked together to get the whole thing off. There was always this moment just after where I felt truly free and unrestricted. It was so great to get it off my body.

  We were quiet with each other. Nervous.

  “I daena think I need the pile of mattress behind m’back.” He began to lift the corner but groaned at the pain of lifting it to shake it. “I am beginnin’ tae see the end of it, mo reul-iuil. But I will be greatly relieved tae be well again.”

  “Soon.” I poured ibuprofen into my palm and gave it to him with some water. Then I climbed up on the bed and with some effort and a lot of silliness managed to get the heavy sack of straw spread a bit more fairly. Though I kept a bit at the top of his side because I wasn’t convinced he wouldn’t need it to sleep comfortably.

  There was no way I was helping him out of his shirt and frankly if he tried to take it off I would make him keep it on. He didn’t try.

  He rolled into the bed with something close to his usual movements.

  “Do you want to use the oxygen machine tonight?”

  “Nae, I think the regular dusty air is good enough for me tonight.” He pulled the covers up to his chest. I went around the bed and climbed under the covers. I curled on my side. He was on his back and I watched the side of his face.

  “Hi.”

  He turned his head to face me. “Hello, mo reul-iuil. Sadly, I canna lay on my side comfortably.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “Dost ye want tae come lay on my arm?” He raised it a bit for me.

  “I don’t think so. I can’t, not yet.” I chewed my lip. “But if I can’t… What if — what if I’m a big pain in the ass and I need more time... and I don’t... and I make you wait...”

  “What are ye askin’, Kaitlyn?”

  “Would you leave me and go back to her?”

  His brow furrowed. His face clouded over. “Nae, Kaitlyn. You ken this.”

  “I don’t. And I can be a huge pain in the ass. What if I’m such a pain that you can’t stand me anymore? Would you go back to her?”

  He took a deep breath.

  “If you are such a pain in the arse that I canna bear tae live with ye anymore? What would that be, Kaitlyn, I canna imagine it?”

  “Maybe I can never get over this.”

  “So in this story, ye never forgive me?”

  “Or something. Would you?”

  He looked at the ceiling and shook his head slowly. “I wouldna, Kaitlyn. I would keep tryin’ tae make it right with ye. I hope twould be sooner than later because we have lost time tae make up for. But if tis ‘never’ I would have tae die tryin’.”

  “Okay. That’s — okay. Thank you, that helps.”

  He casually placed his hand to his side, up near his shoulder with the palm up, inches from my face. His fingers were curled. They had a relaxed look to them, not stretching for me, not insistent. Waiting.

  “I hadn’t heard those stories yet. The ones you told tonight. I know you meant them to be funny, but I could hear it behind the story, how awful it must have been.”

  “Aye, twas a dark time, but let us talk of better things. Tell me of our friends. How is Mistress Hayley?”

  “Hayley, um, where to begin?” Our voices were low, in the air just between us. It wasn’t dark, but was dimming, the sky turning off our light for us. “Michael is pressuring her to set a date for their wedding. She thinks it’s a ruse to get her pregnant. He’s been talking about babies too much for her liking. I think so too. He wants a family. So, she came up with a plan — Zombie Runs.”

  “What is a Zombie?”

  “A zombie is a monster. It’s the undead, a ghost, but ripped up and mangled and decayed and it, for some reason, wants to eat brains so it chases humans around.”

  Magnus’s eyes were round. “Tis terrible and these exist in your time?”

  “No, they don’t exist in any time. They’re invented monsters, like a fairytale. But someone came up with the idea to have races where actors in zombie costumes chase the runners.”

  “So tis a race. A footrace? And while ye are runnin’ the monsters are chasin’ ye?”

  “Yep, crazy, huh?”

  “Tis nae crazy, sounds fun.”

  I raised my head up on my hand, leaned on an elbow. “You would think so. There are other ones too. There are races through mud and there are obstacle courses that have rubber hammers and —”

  Magnus groaned and held his ribs over-dramatically. “They all sound good but the hammer.”

  “Okay, zombies only. No hammers. When our lives calm down, we’ll sign up for one and do it together.”

  “Tis a deal.”

  “But back to Hayley, she is doing these races with Michael. She’s gettin
g really into it and signing up for more and more to distract him from wedding planning. It’s quite funny, actually. Plus it’s part of her mission to stop drinking as much as she does without actually ‘not drinking.’ She just signed them up for a race where drinking is part of it.”

  “You drink alcohol and then fight the zombies?”

  “No, no, you don’t actually fight the zombies. And no swords. They’re just actors. You just run from them.”

  “Ah, that part would be difficult for me.”

  “I don’t know, you’re a pretty gentle soul considering.”

  There was a pause and my hand drifted up and my fingertips settled in the middle of his waiting palm and then they curled like an egg in the middle. He wrapped like a nest around.

  I was secure. Safe. Within.

  “Tell me of Master James Cook.”

  “Do you remember his girlfriend, Lee Ann? The one who flirted with you so much?”

  “Nae really.”

  “Good answer. They went out for a long time but they had a terrible breakup because he slept with someone…” My voice faltered. I dropped my head to the mattress, clamped my eyes shut and pulled his knuckles to the bridge of my nose and held it there, tight, clenched, fearful — skin, blood, life draining out, a struggle, a mouth on Magnus’s shoulder — until I could breathe again. Until I could let it go.

  When I opened my eyes again and let go of my grip on Magnus’s hand. He kept it there, close to my face, his pinky finger under my nose. The side of his palm against my lips.

  I pulled in some necessary air. “Zach and Emma are doing great. Baby Ben is amazing. He walks now.”

  “Och, he is just gettin’ fun.”

  “Yep, he toddles around and gets into a ton of trouble. It’s very cute.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “I didn’t see him much at first. I didn’t see anyone for a while until Hayley made me. It took a lot of forcing me, but sometimes that’s for the best. And let’s see, there’s a new guy in the group, Tyler, he—”

  Magnus’s head shot up. “Tyler?”

  “Yes, he’s a friend of Michael’s from school. He hangs out in Fernandina now like every weekend — why did you…?”