Begin Where We Are

by Knightley, Diana

  “Aye. When we were leavin’ the castle, I saw the room, Kaitlyn. I can believe that ye were terrified. Twas brutal. And I ken ye say I have much the same face as him but I would beg ye tae look on me without seein’ him. I canna alter who he was, but I can be a different sort of man. And I will, I will strive tae be, but twould be terrible if ye canna get past the fact that I am his son. Tae lose ye tae that would be unbearable.”

  His words were calming me, soothing me. I pulled in a deep breath.

  He continued, “I am sorry I dinna send ye the message. That I wasna waitin’ for ye when you arrived. That I dinna save ye from the horror of killin’ a man. And I ken the despair, I have been inside of it — he made me fight tae the death against men I had nae quarrel with. Tis hard tae forgive myself for. But even when the man has deserved it, twill still take a long time tae forgive yourself.”

  I rested my cheek on my knees. “I really, really missed you.”

  “A year is a verra long time. I missed ye too. I ken the length of time I passed was shorter, but daena mean I felt it less.”

  I nodded.

  “I am feelin’ a lack of wind again. I may need tae lie down. Quentin also promised some ice cream…”

  “I’ll dig through the cooler and see if I can find it.”

  Chapter 44

  After assuring us that he could make it to his quarters to sleep after dinner in the Great Hall, Quentin left for the night. I stayed in the room. Magnus and I ate protein bars and jerky, and because there hadn’t been enough sleep for days, it was time for bed though it was still light outside.

  I helped him get comfortable with the mattress behind him to lean against and the oxygen mask on his face.

  Then I sat and stared at my feet.

  He asked, “Are ye comin’ tae bed?”

  “No, I think I’ll sit on the settee for a little bit longer.”

  * * *

  I woke a few hours later, pretty cold, and it was finally dark. I used my flashlight to look around the room. Magnus had taken the mask off his face but the machine was still whirring. I crept around to turn it off, then adjusted the bear skin so it covered the bare boards on my side of the bed and climbed onto it. I pulled the linen sheet and a woven blanket up over me. I left the flashlight burning to the side for some ambient light.

  Just as I settled in, Magnus asked, “Dost ye think about him much?”

  “Who?”

  “Our bairn. I think on him a lot, how he would have been…”

  I blinked back tears in the darkness. “Not really, not anymore. In the beginning I cried about it alot, but I guess I’ve had longer to deal with it.”

  “Aye. Still feels verra close tae me.”

  His hand reached for mine and wrapped around it. Then he pulled, trying to get me to come up, but I resisted. I shook my head rubbing my cheek into the bear fur.

  He let go of my hand.

  I curled it under my chin. My voice was quiet in the darkness. “Were you with her, when I was there?”

  “Och Kaitlyn, what good comes of considerin’ it?” He exhaled. “We were in a different time. I dinna ken ye were there. I was strugglin’ with the idea that ye died centuries before.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Aye, Kaitlyn. I winna lie tae ye on it. Aye, I was.”

  “You left me and I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. Did you share a bed with her?”

  “Aye. She lived in my rooms. But I was a prisoner, Kaitlyn. I believed ye tae be in the past. I believed I would need tae journey tae ye. I wanted a vessel and I was willin’ tae do anythin’ tae get to it. Thinking of ye as dead in the past was breakin’ me.”

  I watched the side of his face, the shadows in the semi-darkness.

  He exhaled. “I married ye before God. I love ye and I was mourning ye. I was mournin’ our son. I beg of ye tae understand and forgive me.”

  I sat up cross-legged beside him. “I know what it’s like to mourn you, Magnus. But I never invited someone to my bed.” I took a deep breath to swallow down the tears. “But I do know it’s really hard when someone you love is in the past.” I stared at his hand casting long shadows across the sheets. It seemed foreign and I couldn’t get used to the fact. “Zach wanted to go with me to Scotland to look for your grave. He thought that would help me deal with my sadness, to know the truth of it.”

  “Sometimes tae ken the truth is tae make the sadness worse.”

  “I suppose so.” I gingerly put a finger right in the middle of his palm and then slowly let my hand relax and curl up in the middle of his strong hand. I breathed and watched my hand, a perfect fit inside his. It would be good to nestle there but slowly his hand closed around mine and then flashes came — my hand, bloody, tightening, pain, the side of the face as the life drained from it inches from my own, the skin of a strange shoulder as it butted against my mouth, and also in there an imagined image, my husband’s hand wrapped around another hand, an unknown hand, securing it.

  Not mine.

  Mine bloodied. Her’s secure.

  I pulled my hand from his grip.

  “Speak tae me of it, mo reul-iuil.”

  “I was so happy when I went to Scotland with Quentin and Hayley. I was so excited and hopeful. I was so sure that…”

  He reached for my knee but pulled his hand back to the neutral position between us.

  “Now I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again.” I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes.

  “What do you see, Kaitlyn, that is frightenin’ ye so much?”

  I shook my head.

  “I canna sleep. You canna sleep. We may need tae talk of somethin’ and twould be best tae say it.”

  I chewed my lip. “You don’t want to know.”

  “I daena, tae tell the truth, but I have tae.”

  I closed my eyes. “I see him on me. So close that it’s just pieces. His skin. I can smell him. Taste him.” I gasped for breath. “And he’s dying and struggling and…” I focused on Magnus’s hand again. “There’s blood, so much blood. And it’s on me. And then I see me, alone, underneath. It’s hard to describe, like I’m not in my body anymore. And I’m watching my body and it’s lost and afraid and begging for someone to help and there are all these faces and then nothingness.” I bowed my head. “That’s what I see. And when I see you…” I sniffled. “I want to see my husband, but instead I see you on someone else. I don’t know what she looks like, but I don’t need to. It’s just the pieces. Everything is in pieces. I’m in pieces.”

  “Aye, ye sound verra broken.”

  I collapsed down to the bed and clutched his hand to my lips. I cried, sobbing against his wedding band. “Why did you do it?”

  “You ken why — it goes no deeper, Kaitlyn. There is nae meanin’ behind it. Nothing tae tell ye of—”

  “Did I do something? Was there something I…?”

  “Nae, ye ken the answer tae this, mo ghradh. Twas nae tae do with ye, twas tae survive.”

  I clutched harder, his fingers wet with my tears. “I don’t know if I can bear it.”

  He breathed out like a sigh. “If ye are nae strong enough, what will happen tae us?”

  “I don’t know…”

  He wriggled his fingers from my grasp and wiped the tears from my cheek. “Then ye need tae be strong enough, mo reul-iuil. We are countin’ on ye…”

  We sat there for so long I forgot he might speak. “Where did ye find the vessel?”

  “Where you buried it beside the stone wall.”

  “When I buried it, I dinna ken why. I dinna ken what I would need it for, but I buried it there, a place where ye could find it. I dinna dare dream of it but ye did find it. You came, and maybe I wasna waitin’ for ye at the front gates, but I did my best when I found ye. I regret I dinna protect ye, but I am grateful ye had the strength tae protect yourself.”

  His finger stretched along the edge of my lips and traced a line back and forth. Gently.

  “And tis a marvel that the stone wall, o
ld in my time was still standin’ in yours. Dost ye ken how tae build a stone wall, Kaitlyn?”

  I shook my head against the fur of the bedding.

  “You take all these rocks, ye place them intae piles accordin’ tae size, and then ye begin tae stack them. The rocks are the pieces. The bigger pieces go along the bottom for strength, the smaller pieces go intae the spaces between. Ye ponder it and ye listen tae the pieces. They tell ye where they should go and ye slowly build the wall higher and higher until ye have built a wall with the strength tae last centuries. You may have broken intae pieces, Kaitlyn, but we will take our time. We will talk tae each other about what happened and we will listen tae the story of it. We will laugh with our family and we will cry sometimes when we think about what might have been with our son. Soon we will build ye back tae the strength ye had before.”

  “The images in my head scare me.”

  “We will replace them with ones that arna frightenin’.”

  “Trusting you again scares me.”

  “I am grateful that ye are brave.”

  I pressed my cheek to his hand. “Can we go slow?”

  He smiled sadly. “Tae build a proper stone wall ye have tae go slow. And tis a good thing, my ribs are too sore tae lift many pieces right now.”

  While he had been talking about rebuilding my pieces my hand relaxed and fit within his palm and he closed his hand around mine. And he held it, not tight, but enough.

  I thought about the wall and the message he sent me through time — here is the vessel, I want tae be with ye again.

  “Did we just place the first piece, mo reul-iuil?”

  “Yes, we — yes, we placed the first piece.” I clicked off the flashlight’s beam and tucked it to my chest and slept on the bear skin rug with my hand wrapped within his.

  It was all I could do, but it was enough for now.

  Chapter 45

  By mid-morning the next day Magnus felt a lot better, the oxygen treatments, anti-inflammatories, vitamins, and protein were working wonders, and we all decided he could come down to the Great Hall if only for a little while. Quentin went to the hallway so I could help Magnus change because he was still wearing that odd filmy-fabric kilt from the future. Without the underwear though; he took that off hours ago because it, “Was causin’ a pain at m’manhood.”

  First, I gathered the kilt on the belt the way he had shown me so long ago. And he dropped the kilt he was wearing while I averted my eyes because — because I was angry. Because I was so sad. Because it felt like his body wasn’t mine to look at anymore.

  I helped him pull up the new kilt because though he felt better the pulling and tugging of clothes ached around his middle. It took a bit of time because I wasn’t practiced. “Okay, now we get you out of this shirt, which is beginning to reek by the way.”

  “I will be glad tae have it off, tis too soft. I need the feel of wool and rough linen on my skin.” He rubbed the tartan against his thigh. “Tis more familiar.”

  I smiled. “Keep your good humor, this next part will be difficult.” He sat on the bed and I pulled up the bottom of his shirt slowly, gingerly. “Okay, now lift your arms. I’ll go quick.” He lifted his arms with a grimace and I pulled the shirt up, over, and off, as quickly as I could with as little pain as I could help. I wadded the shirt up and stuffed it in the same bag-pocket where the future-underpants were hidden.

  I picked up the new shirt, unfolded it, shook it out to begin to pull over his arms. “I lied, this will be even harder.” I turned to him and stopped. I looked. Chest and shoulders and abs and — but — there on his shoulder…

  I dropped the shirt and grasped his shoulder and really looked at it. A bitemark. “What the fuck, Magnus. Oh my god.” I backed up while he looked down at his shoulder and began to say, “Kaitlyn—” but I was already out the door.

  Chapter 46

  I found Lizbeth in the nursery. “What is it, Kaitlyn?”

  “I’m sorry, I keep rushing to you in a state of despair, but—”

  She said, “Nae matter in it, tis my family that is causin’ it all. If I can help ye, I will do it gladly. Turn around, your bodice is undone.”

  “Magnus is injured — I have no one to help me dress.”

  “Magnus usually helps ye? Tis verra handy of him. I will have a woman attend tae ye in the morning from now on, I believe Magnus can stick tae the undressin’.”

  She laughed until she noticed I wasn’t. “Tell me of it, Sister.” She tightened the laces across my lower ribs as I pulled my breasts up to the top of the bodice.

  “Magnus has taken another woman.”

  “Oh.” She worked on the laces and got them tied. She turned me around, put her hands on my waist, and her head to my forehead for a moment. Then she released me, stepped away, and looked me over. “Twas nae what I expected of him.”

  “Me neither.”

  She led me to the hallway. “I am glad of an excuse tae leave, now that I am carryin’ a bairn everyone thinks I be necessary in the nursery.” She sighed. “I try tae be a terrible mother, yet they keep thinkin’ tis my station in life.” She chuckled.

  Once in the hall she turned to me and held my chin in her hands. “What will ye do about it?”

  “I don’t know. Everything he says sounds like an excuse. Everything he promises sounds like a lie. I don’t know what to do. If I leave him—”

  “You canna leave him, Kaitlyn, tis nae possible.”

  I opened my mouth to argue but remembered the year and closed it.

  She said, “You have vowed tae live your life with him and he is a good man, I ken tis true. I have grown up with him. I watched him with Sean and he has always had a loyal heart, and a patient soul. I daena ken what he is about with this, but I daena believe he has it in him tae be the kind of man who would break his vow tae ye.”

  “I don’t think he meant to, it just—”

  “Well, it all weighs on ye the same. When a man is lyin’ tae ye tis like having a squirmin’ pig in your arms. You have tae carry it about with ye all the live-long day when all ye want tae do is drown it in the laundry water.”

  I winced.

  “This is the path ye must walk, Kaitlyn. The path ye chose. You are his wife and he is your husband. Ye have a family now in us, he has a family in yours. You’re tied tae each other until death.” She smiled sadly.

  “What if this is the man he is?”

  “What does your heart tell ye?”

  “That he means it when he says he’ll pick up the pieces, that he loves me.”

  “Tis much more like the young Magnus I helped tae keep out of trouble. Och, he and Sean were always in the thick of it. Twas nae easy tae keep them alive some days. Sean has reformed himself by marryin’ a God-fearin’ woman and doing what she makes him do. But Magnus, I think he was provin’ his worth in devotion tae ye. I think he has made a grave mistake in it, and I would believe he is verra afeared about your forgiveness.”

  “I think so too.”

  A loud crying sounded from inside the room.

  “Sounds much like Jamie,” she said and we entered the nursery again. Her son toddled up and she brought him to her lap.

  I sat beside her. “When you call Magnus, Young Magnus… Is there an Old Magnus?”

  “We have always said it. Old Magnus used tae be around but he haena been here in a long long time. I daena ken if I’ve seen him since I was a wee bairn. But Young Magnus had the name stick tae him because of it.”

  A toddler padded by with an unsteady waddle and fell over and stood back up looking adorable and a lot like Baby Ben back home. “Who was Old Magnus related to?”

  “I daena ken. He was alone I think.”

  I smiled at her son and played a round of peekaboo with him. “Enough about me, you have a new husband and you haven’t talked of him at all.”

  “Aye, he was the one I was dreamin’ on.”

  “And by my calculations it took you almost five months to get him to marry you!”
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br />   “Five months!” She jokingly exclaimed. “Twas so long!” She laughed merrily. “A few months after the funeral I said tae him, ‘I ken what ye need tae have in a wife.’ And he said, ‘What do I need?’ And I said, ‘Ye need a young woman who has recently lost her husband and will need a man such as ye tae comfort her.’ And he said, ‘Och, I should comfort her, should I?’ And I said, ‘Och aye, ye should comfort her and if ye are willin’ ye should let her comfort ye as well,’ and he smiled at me, such as this…” she showed how he tilted his head and sized her up, then she said, “and we were married a month later.” She grinned.

  “That’s an awesome story. And are you happy?”

  “Verra. Remember how my last husband was nae handsome, or had many wits, or wasna at all kind tae me? My new husband is handsome and kind.”

  “You didn’t mention his wits!”

  “He haena got much, but I daena fault him for it. He takes my word on most everythin’ so he suits me quite well.”

  “That does sound perfect.”

  We quieted and watched the children for a few moments. Then she asked, “How come ye haena had a bairn yet, Kaitlyn?”

  “I was pregnant.”

  “Ye were?”

  I nodded. “I lost it.”

  “That is the history of it then. Young Magnus has lost his way because of it. Tis a hard thing tae lose a bairn. Have ye recovered from it, Sister?”

  “A little bit.”

  “Men are afraid of the mysteries of our bodies, Kaitlyn. They daena ken tae protect us and they feel mighty lost when all their strength and power is for naught. Ye have tae gentle him back tae ye, tell him nae tae be afraid for ye. Show him your strength and comfort each other. Twill be better in time.”

  “Thank you. That’s good advice.”

  “With my bairn comin’ in the winter season plus my husband’s, my bairn will number four. I will need tae apply m’self tae bein’ capable of it.”

  “I heard Magnus and Sean talking about your midwife.”