Myth-Gotten Gains m-17

by Robert Lynn Asprin

  "Then produce one," Polka said. "Not with the help of your assistants. Not with the help of those fancy gizmos you have with you. Just you. Wow us."

  I'm famous for thinking on my feet, but there's times when not even slick talking will help.

  "Look," I said, leaning closer to the Squirt and grinning companionably. He leaned away. "You wouldn't embarrass an old member, would you? Down on his luck, and all. I'll get 'em back one of these days. In fact, that's what I came to talk to my buddy about' restoring my powers. You wouldn't want to get in the way of that? I've been a member in good standing for decades. Don't I get a little leeway?"

  "Well…" Polka's expression softened slightly, but Savona's didn't.

  "I would like to point out that the monitors have detected the character of the items concealed about the persons of Mr. Aahzmandius and his colleagues. They are Prohibited, sir."

  Even I could hear the capital P. By now we were attracting attention. I tried jollying him. "It's just part of the test, Savona. C'mon."

  "I am very sorry, sir, but there are no bylaws under which ou may carry into these premises either a magikal sword, especially not one of such intrinsic power…"

  "A sword?" Polka squeaked, but Savona wasn't finished.

  "…or a device for prognostication. In fact, the latter would be banned anywhere in the city. It could predict the outcome of bets, possibly resulting in the loss of millions at the tables. The accuracy readings are off the charts."

  "Hmm," I said. "I never thought of that." Kelsa might have some uses after all. But Polka wasn't up for speculation.

  "Where is it?" he asked, shaking with rage.

  Savona pointed at Tananda. "That young lady has it in her possession. She is the architect of an illusion spell that is keeping the normal appearance of all the items concealed."

  "You were planning to cheat the casinos?" Polka demanded, breasting up to me. "Using the club as a base? That's outrageous!"

  "No, that's not why we're here," I protested. "Look, all I want to do is talk to my friend in the library, okay?"

  "We only have your word on that, sir," the enormous Scourge said. He lowered the crossbow so the point of the quarrel was aimed directly between my eyes.

  "I am afraid, Mr. Aahzmandius," Polka said, with dignity, "that I must ask you to leave."

  "Leave?" I said, desperately looking at the library door.

  Behind it, the Book was waiting. If I could just… reach… it…

  I shouldered into the invisible barrier again. "Why should I leave? I belong here!"

  "Well, you're not a member any longer, not until you regain your powers, since they were the source of your qualifications. Otherwise you would not have gained access, you know. Where's your membership card?"

  The entire room was definitely looking at me now. I mumbled, "Deva."

  The Squirt clapped his hands together, and a rectangular waller card suddenly lay in his outstretched palm. The fancy Magicians' Club logo was embossed in baby blue on the left. My moving picture had been applied to the right half, over my signature. The youthful me in the image was grinning like an idiot. The mouth was moving. I had been talking to the magician taking the magikal photo. I snarled at that callow youngster, who couldn't do a damned thing to help. Polka tsk-tsked. He flicked his other fingers at the card, and it burst into flames. The Pervect in the picture yelled silently, then crumbled into ashes.

  "You can't do that to me!" I bellowed.

  "It is my duty," Polka said. He didn't have to look so pleased about it. "You have broken several of our bylaws. You have committed fraudulent use of membership, failing to inform the committee about a change of circumstances, carrying prohibited magikal items into the club, attempted assault of another member, and finally, disturbing the calm of the Magicians' Club, which has been famous as an oasis of peace and quiet for our brethren and sisteren for over seven thousand years! See him out, Mr. Savona," the Squirt concluded, with a majestic wave of his skinny little hand. "If they try to get back in, you have my permission to use scorn as well as deadly force."

  "Hey, wait a minute!" I said.

  "I'm afraid I must fling you out into the street, Mr. Aahzmandius," Savona said, with what looked like genuine regret. I tried to sidestep him, but it's not easy to get out of the reach of a guy with wings. In a flutter, he had the back of my neck clamped with his talons, and my right arm bent up behind my back.

  "No, you don't," I said, trying to get out of his grasp, as he propelled me inexorably toward the front door. "C'mon, you don't have to make it look so real. Check with the Board. They'll tell you…"

  "Ta-daaaaa!" sang the stage assistants, arms up, as the door whisked open.

  By that time I was airborne. I landed about thirty feet down the alley. Two pairs of feet appeared before my eyes as I was picking myself up.

  "What happened to the ribbons?" I growled up at Tananda and Calypsa.

  "Savona cut them off," Tananda said, with a little smile. She gave me a hand and heaved. I popped up. Sometimes I forget how strong she is. "With one swipe of that talon! I like a man who has a decent manicure. He gave me his number. We've got a date if I ever get back this way again."

  Chapter 15

  "WELL, THAT WAS an appalling screwup," Asti said, as I dusted myself off. "Badly handled. Not only did you not secure Payge, but Froome has escaped again."

  "I suppose you could have done better, sister?" I asked. I glanced back. The doorway had vanished, replaced once again by an eye-level slit.

  "Of course I could! Your story was weak from the beginning. Telling them you're a secret investigator. Hah!"

  "It almost worked!" I said, defensively.

  "Almost is the operative word," Asti said. "Pitiful."

  "Pitiful!" I bellowed.

  Tananda put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.

  "Inept, then. Do you like that better?" the Cup asked.

  "For your information, honey, I was doing pretty well, until I rammed into that wall. I should have seen that coming."

  "How could you see an invisible wall?" Calypsa asked.

  I shook my head. "I should have asked to see Froome in public, gotten Polka to bring him out where we could jump him."

  The Cup rolled her engraved eyes. "Hah! Then he would have cried for help. While you were dealing with the enforcers, he would have run back into the safety of the members' rooms, where you couldn't follow. Still a failure. Utter lack of preparation, and in a locale that you claimed to know well. You should have recalled that there would be protective spells. You could have come up with a much better cover story. They could tell right away you didn't have any magik, apart from us and that ancient bauble in your pocket. You could have come up with a much better story. I could have come up with one in my sleep!"

  "Then why didn't you, sister?" I snarled, holding her up eye to eye with me. "You're so free and easy with the criticism. I thought you were in on this mission. But you'd rather carp at me than help!"

  Asti's engraving looked as if it was etched into granite instead of gold. "Mortal, you fail or succeed on your own. You can ask us for help, but we're not going to jump in and rescue you from your pathetic lack of strategy. Buirnie offered to be of assistance, but you turned him down. Under those circumstances, I felt no need to offer."

  "I thought that his approach was the correct one," Ersatz put in.

  "Thanks," I said.

  The Sword wasn't finished critiquing me. "But even so, you did not push hard enough. You have a forceful personality; why did you not use it?"

  "Or charm!" Buirnie said. "A little more friendliness would have helped."

  "All right, that's it," I said, cutting them off with one hand. "I've had enough of you riding me. I don't have to justify my actions to you. So this attempt failed. We're not dead yet, and neither is Calypso. Unless I want your input, keep your comments to yourself. I'm going back in there if I have to take on the whole room. I'm going to get Froome." I cracked my knuckles. "
Come on."

  "No point," Kelsa said cheerfully. "He's gone. He blinked out when the argument started."

  I gawked. "Why didn't you say something?"

  "Well, you get so cross when I interrupt you, but I do think, dear Aahz, you ought to relax that stricture, since it often runs counter to what you need to know at certain psychological moments…"

  "Never mind," I snarled.

  "Do you see?" Asti said. "Calypsa, child, in future be guided by us. We have millennia more experience to draw upon. This Pervert has led you astray over and over. There is little time left. Do not waste any more of it."

  "That's it," I said. "I can take it when you four argue among yourselves, but I am tired of being needled when I'm doing my best. Forget it. I don't want any part of you, except Kelsa."

  The Crystal Ball blinked huge yellow eyes. "I'm honored!"

  "Don't be. If you weren't useful I wouldn't bother with any of you." I swapped the case containing Asti with Tananda for Kelsa's bowling bag. "I'm going after Froome on my own without you. I'll meet you back in the inn on Ori," I told Tananda.

  She tucked her hand into my arm and eased close to me. I eyed her with suspicion. I had a good mad on now, and I didn't want to waste it.

  "You can't go, Aahz," she said.

  "Yes, I can," I said. "I've got the D-hopper. All I need is a guide to catch up with this guy. I work better alone." I yanked the device out of my pocket.

  "No, you haven't," Tananda said.

  "What?" I bellowed. "I've always worked alone."

  "But not better," she said, with a little smile quirking the corners of her mouth. She took Kelsa away from me and handed her off to Calypsa, who stood in the blaze of Klik's spotlight. Tananda drew me aside.

  "This isn't just about how much nagging you've been getting from the Hoard, is it?" she said in a low voice. "I miss Skeeve, too. But I never saw you think harder or work more effectively than when you were trying to live up to the image he has of you in his mind."

  "Dragon dung," I snarled. "Maybe I'm just fed up with having everything I do being criticized. Women always have to have a deeper explanation for things."

  The smile became a broad grin. "Maybe. Dragon dung is real, and so is what I'm saying. You know why he went back to Klah."

  "He got tired of us," I said, tossing a hand casually. "I know how he feels. I got claustrophobia working too closely with everyone. I'm not used to it. He probably felt like he couldn't take the pressure any more. I'm feeling like that now."

  She shook her head. "You don't have to lie to me. He went back so he could work on becoming worthy of hanging out with us. As if we could live up to his standards. Admit it' Skeeve makes you feel proud and small at the same time. He's more of a realist than I ever would have thought, after that first moment in the Bazaar, when I could have stolen the bones out of his body without him catching on, but he has this shining image of us as the ultimate companions. Partners. That word has a special meaning for me, now. Except for Chumley I hardly ever trusted anyone I work with, but I learned to trust all of you, and I learned that you were worth trusting, because Skeeve opened my eyes. You don't even believe you're trustworthy, because you keep going back to how greedy you are. Asti's playing on that, and it stings, doesn't it? But it's natural for Pervects, nothing to be ashamed of. Skeeve took that into consideration, and so do I. You're pushing us away, even though we're perfectly good companions, because if you think Skeeve told us to take a hike, then no one is worth hanging around with. But he didn't. He told himself to leave. I think he hoped the rest of us would stay together, but, admit it, Aahz, he was the glue. In my business you can't get too attached to anyone, but I'm attached to him. He's family, and so are you. So, cousin, are you going to reopen your brain and take us with you, or are you going to march in there alone?"

  I don't like having my private feelings dredged up and smashed into my face like wedding cake, but as Tananda said, she's an old friend who knows me pretty damned well. It had bugged me when Ersatz implied no mortals could have a fellowship as good as theirs — which didn't seem so terrific to me, the way they fought all the time.

  "All right," I said, keeping up the show of reluctance. "But if you're coming with me, no screwing up."

  "I'll try." She grabbed my ears and planted a solid kiss on my lips. "Attaboy, Aahz," she said. "Come on, Calypsa, we've got to get moving!"

  BAMF!

  The contrast between Vaygus and Tomburg was so marked that I thought we had jumped from a color set to black-and-white. Where neon had decorated not only the buildings but the clothes of the people of Vaygus, those of Tomburg's denizens I could see hunched over reading at desks in cubicles around me were dressed in drab, natural colors, matching the musty-smelling books on nearby shelves. We were in pretty close quarters. Tanda and Calypsa were jammed in tight.

  "Where is he?" I asked Kelsa.

  "Shh!" A round face was thrust into mine, a finger held vertical against its lips. I jumped back.

  Only long experience kept me from smashing the face in with my fist in surprise, but I felt like doing it anyhow once I had my bearings. I didn't think that round a face could compress into that many wrinkles of disapproval. The guy behind it was cylindrical in shape, with at least nine pairs of arms and legs running down his body.

  "What the hell is your problem, Bub?" I snarled.

  The forefinger moved away from the fat little face, and pointed at a sign on a pillar between two tall cabinets filled with books.

  SILENCE, it said. The forefinger stabbed toward it several times for good measure.

  "What is this, a monastery?"

  The chubby being shook its head at me. I took a good look around. The shelves of books behind me weren't the only ones. In fact, they seemed to stretch away down the aisle in which we were standing, almost to infinity. Once I tamped down my temper enough to listen, I heard dozens of unseen beings breathing and the rustle of pages turning, scholars sitting in unseen carrels bent over their books. We were in a library. I turned to Tananda and Calypsa.

  "Of all the…"

  "Shh!"

  I scowled at the librarian, but lowered my voice. "Of all the sneaky tricks!"

  "It's just what I told you," Kelsa said, for once moderating her shrill tones. "You will find Payge here among his fellow books!"

  "That isn't what you said," I reminded her.

  "Oh, it was something like that. What does it matter? He is here. All you have to do is catch him. I have foreseen it!"

  "You foresee a lot of things," I commented. The bookworm behind me shushed me once more. "All right," I breathed. "I'll whisper!"

  He nodded, then inched off, I supposed, to harass another visitor.

  "Where, exactly, is he?" I asked Kelsa. "No, don't talk. Show me."

  The Crystal Ball fogged up, then cleared. In its depths I saw another rank of bookshelves, identical to the ones that were around us.

  "That does not help," Calypsa whispered. "They all look alike."

  "Not completely," Tananda whispered back. "Look! He's standing under a sign that says "Fe-Fi." Maybe he likes being near his initials."

  I grinned. "Well, let's go and Fo-Fum this Froome. I'm tired of playing catch up all across the dimensions. We'll split up and surround him." I glanced up. The local species, who resembled big bookworms, didn't just travel the floor of the aisles. I saw them clinging to the sides of shelves, even the ceiling, as they perused a row of covers.

  "Can you climb up there, too?" I asked Tananda.

  "Piece of cake," she said. With a supple movement, she clambered up the nearest tier, and vanished over the top.

  "Then, you jump him from above. I'll go around to the right. Calypsa, you take the left." I leaned down and stuck a forefinger in Buirnie's face. "One peep out of you, and I'll use you for a U-bend under my bathroom sink, holes or no holes. Savvy?"

  "Oh, very well," he said. "I will be pianissimo piano."

  "No kind of piano. Not a note of music until we're out i
n the street. I'm not taking any chances on getting thrown out of here. Let's move."

  "I can put everyone in the library to sleep," Asti suggested, as I tiptoed past "Do-Du." "I've got a wonderful soporific gas that will drop every breathing being in its tracks."

  "No, thanks," I said. "I don't want anything like that circulating while Tananda's on the ceiling. If we can get close enough, you can zap him. Just try and keep me out of the fallout, all right?"

  "Aahz, I have millennia of experience at this!"

  "Give me a lucky beginner over an experienced veteran every time," I said.

  There's something about a library that always makes me want to go to sleep. Not only is there the gentle sound of shushing in the air, but the air itself seems to be as still as glass. With sun pouring through the windows, the building was comfortably warm, and the scent of old books just acts like a sedative on my system. I felt like slapping myself in the face to keep awake.

  I got some annoyed glances and a few surprised ones as I plowed my way toward the F's. They didn't show any nervousness about Pervects, which I believe to be a sign of intelligence. We usually only attack when provoked. Or offended. Or hungry.

  My keen hearing informed me that Tananda was doing her best to keep Kelsa quiet as she clambered over the tops of the stacks. Ersatz was giving Calypsa whispers of advice as she took the right flank around Froome, through the G's and H's.

  I edged along cautiously, watching out for that first glimpse of black fur. I had never gotten a good look at our quarry in either of the two dimensions through which we had just chased him, but the odds of another Pikinise being here in the public library on Tomburg were between slim and none.

  The readers and browsers around me inhaled and exhaled softly, with the exception of one older bookworm in the corner, who was panting. I grinned at him as I went by. He was reading a racy novel with his eyes bugged out on stalks. Once I had tuned him out, I started to become aware of one more respiration apparatus in operation. This one was wheezing, not in lust, but in fear. That had to be our boy. I tiptoed faster.