Myth-Gotten Gains m-17

by Robert Lynn Asprin

  I slipped around the next bank of books. There he was! Like his tiler friend back home, he had an inverted triangle for a face covered with black hair, but he was dressed in a long brown robe, belted around the middle, and a pair of boots far more suited to hanging around in bars than hiking. His back was pressed hard against the shelves as he looked left and right. Over his left shoulder he had a huge satchel, just the kind of bag suitable for hauling around a precious tome made of solid gold. I eased back before he saw me.

  In the shadows I considered my options. I had no means of disguising myself as a local. If I came around the corner at him, he would just run off in the other direction. I couldn't hear Ersatz, so Calypsa wasn't in place yet. I looked overhead for Tananda. Depending on the traffic on top of the shelves, it could take her a moment or so to get here.

  I had a bright idea. I slid into the aisle behind him and made my way to the opposite side of the bank of shelves. If I plunged forward at just the right moment, I could grab him from behind and hang onto him until the cavalry finally made it up the hill. I peered through at the back of his head, crouched, and prepared to spring.

  "May I help you?" a pleasant voice asked me. A female bookworm sidled up beside me.

  "Quiet!" Asti commanded. "He is attempting an ambush."

  "Thanks for nothing!" I said. The sound of our voices had alerted Froome. I caught a glimpse of terrified eyes just before he dashed away to the right. I shoved the helpful aide to one side and set out in pursuit. "What did you say that for?"

  "Well, we didn't need her help, did we?" Asti asked, just as annoyed with me. "She might have alerted him as to our presence!"

  "So you did it for me? Thanks a heap."

  "Shh!" hissed several of the bookworms clinging to the walls. I stepped up my pace.

  In the silence, the Pikinise's footsteps were perfectly audible. He turned and turned again, hoping to throw me off his trail, but that was pretty well unlikely.

  A shape whisked overhead like a squirrel leaping from tree to tree as I crossed an aisle. Tananda gave me a wink and gestured to the left. I went right. We had to corner Froome before he got out the door.

  Suddenly, the footsteps stopped. I halted in the middle of a long corridor filled with dusty, brown books each three inches thick on one side, and windows on the other. A glance told me that we were on the second floor above the street. Tananda went overhead again, and the footsteps doubled back. I spun and went in pursuit.

  I raced into the nearest intersection. A small party of bookworms stood in the center, holding a book the size of a bed. Froome came charging out of the corridor just opposite me. His eyes went huge, and he dashed to the left. I had to dive over the open book to follow.

  "Aaggh!" Asti protested, as I bounded to my feet. "Watch the judo rolls, will you?"

  "Unless you've got a flying potion, I've got to go with regular locomotion, babe," I said.

  "I'll make one, I'll make one," she said. "Just stop jostling me!"

  The head start Froome had gotten helped him to lose me, but not Tanda. I whistled, and a shrill blast came back to me, from about five rows over. I jogged in that direction, dodging in between browsers and students. Tananda whistled again. The sound was closer. I looked up.

  "Where'd he go?" I asked.

  "Shhh!" the readers chorused.

  At that moment, a black-and-brown blur zipped past us through the nearest cross row. We looked at each other, then rushed after him. Where was Calypsa?

  Ahead, I could see a sign with the zig-zag pattern that was the universal symbol for stairs. He was making for the ground floor. I put on a burst of speed. I didn't want to have to deal with security, if this place had any. He was pretty quick on his feet. He managed to outdistance me in seconds.

  The stacks suddenly opened out to an open area, with a railed staircase at the far end of it. I saw Froome, bookbag and all, racing ahead of me. Suddenly, he pinwheeled to a stop, with his hands raised. I hurried to catch up. Tananda leaped down from the shelves ran after me.

  Chapter 16

  AS SOON AS I drew level with him, I could see why he had stopped. Calypsa stood at the top of the staircase. She had Ersatz drawn and leveled under his trembling chin. Froome looked from her to me and back again.

  "Please! Please don't hurt me!" he begged.

  "Steady does it, child," Ersatz said. Calypsa looked as frightened as the Pikinise did, but she clutched the Sword with both hands. "He is no threat to you. He won't flee. Use me as a deterrent, not a weapon. Do not lean forward or you will spit him through the windpipe."

  "Ulp!" said Froome. Under his fur, his skin turned greenish.

  "I am trying," Calypsa said, but she was as nervous as our quarry. The Sword's point wobbled up and down. I put a finger underneath it and lifted it up out of the way.

  "Ah, there you are, friend Aahz!" Ersatz said.

  "How did you know where he'd be?" I asked.

  "Ersatz figured it out," Calypsa said. "He made me take him to a chart of the floor. After only one look, he said that Froome would probably flee to this point. And he has. I used my Dance of Speed to bring us here ahead of Froome. I have so much to learn from Ersatz!" She fixed an expression of worship on the blade. The dark blue eyes dipped modestly.

  "I offer my small skills for what they're worth."

  "Nice work," I said. I turned to the cowering Pikinise. "We came for Payge. Give him to us. Now."

  It's hard to look scared and defiant at the same time, but Froome managed. He stuck out his pointy chin. "Y-y-you can't have him."

  "Look," I snarled. "I have not chased you across three dimensions to have you say no to me. I might have been inclined to negotiate about three days ago, maybe give you something for your trouble, but not any more. You've got him. We need him. Gimme the bag." I held out my hand.

  More than reluctantly, he slid the thick strap off his shoulder and handed the bag over. I grabbed it from him.

  "You have no right to do this," he said. "I'm entitled to my source material. You're interfering with my job!"

  "Yeah?" I asked, glaring him in the eye. "Well, you're interfering with the life of that young lady's grandfather. I'd say that that trumps your career."

  "His life?" Froome said, looking less annoyed and terrified, and more interested. "Tell me more."

  Calypsa never needed more than a single word of encouragement to open the floodgates.

  "Well, you see, my grandfather is the great Calypso…"

  I opened the bag and pulled out the book I found inside.

  "There," I gloated, shoving it in Asti's field of view. "Think I'm a screwup now?"

  "'Mud and Malarkey, The Account of My Years as A Village Idiot in the Kingdom of Ruizmotto,'" Asti read off the spine. "Yes, I agree, it could be your life story. That's not Payge."

  "What?" I said. I looked at the book.

  "Besides, he has a solid gold cover," Asti reminded me. "This is morocco calfskin in a disgusting shade of green. Published about fifty years ago, I'd say by the smell."

  "I've been to Ruismotto," Buirnie said. "I know a song about the queen who ruled fifty years ago. She had a very big nose. Want to hear it?"

  "No!" I said.

  "…And the wizard Barrik turned out to be a bad neighbor, a very tyrant who terrorized us…"

  I stuck my hand in again. Sure enough, there was another "This thing is more roomy than it looks." I decanted that volume. On a shiny black leather cover in silver were the words "Volume III."

  "Not right."

  I kept removing books from the bookbag. It seemed to have an infinite capacity, all of it filled with lengthy personal accounts, histories, collections of poems, legends and urban myths. Then I remembered the dusty shelves in his study on Pikini. I glared at Froome. "You had to bring the whole collection with you?" I asked.

  "I…" the guy swallowed. I realized he was fairly young. "The account of your conquests in the Golden Book was fearsome. I didn't think I would be safe to return. Are you going to
pull out my guts and tie them in knots?"

  "Only if I don't find what I'm looking for, PDQ," I said. I had run out of room on the desk, and was stacking books on the floor. "Where is it?"

  "It's not here," Kelsa said.

  "How do you know?" I demanded, hauling out an entire set of encyclopaedia, one fat volume at a time. It was followed by The Complete Little Nemo, books of Pervish cartoons, a Dragonette cookbook, and at least fifteen books on how to write stories.

  "My dear Aahz! All of these are ordinary books. Not a single magikal text in here. They're all storybooks. Novels."

  "You are putting me on!" I shook Froome. "Where is it?"

  "I'll never tell you where I have hidden the Golden Book," he said, throwing his head back defiantly. "I would rather die."

  I shoved my face close to his.

  "That can be arranged."

  "Gold? Oh, I saw that," Tananda said. "That was Payge?" She hurried back to the last standing shelf and climbed up to the second highest tier. Froome's face fell.

  Tananda braced herself, and clamped her hand around one volume. Now that I was looking in the right direction, I could just see a glimpse of gold.

  "What's the matter?" I asked.

  "I can't get it out!"

  "What do you mean, you can't get it out? It's probably just too heavy to pull with one hand."

  "I mean, it's not moving at all."

  "There they are!" a soft voice declared.

  A bookworm slunk up the stairs and reared his upper body to point in our direction. Several other bookworms, dressed in uniforms with gold braid on their peaked caps, came swarming up around him. They surrounded us. A whole coterie inched up around Tananda, heading her off before she could clamber to the top of the stacks.

  "All right," the leader whispered, as he rose up to stare me straight in the face. "You are disturbing the peace of this establishment. You must go."

  "We can't go yet," I said. "I need a book!"

  "It looks like you've got all the books you need," he said. "When you have finished with those, come back. But quietly! In the meanwhile, please leave, or we will have to use force."

  "At least let us take a look at the book on that shelf," I said. These characters didn't look that strong. I figured once we got it down, we could make a break for it with the D-hopper.

  "Absolutely not," the library clerk said, as clerks shoveled Froome's collection back into his satchel of holding. "All books on our shelves become part of our permanent collection. They are accessible only to card holders! Take them out of here," he instructed the guards.

  I had been given the bum's rush more than once while working for Calypsa, and I wasn't about to let it happen again. I shook off all the little hands and marched down the stairs with dignity ahead of the bookworms.

  "You're making a mistake," I said. "We have permission to be here. We're making a documentary about this place. You've just earned a role as the designated villain. You've got one chance to make us change our minds."

  "Shh!" the guards hissed in unison.

  "You have to let me get that book!" Calypsa pleaded, as they hustled her out. They got us into the foyer. Long lines of bookworms were waiting at the desk to check out their choices.

  "If you do not listen to me, I will dance until you do!" She threw up her arm.

  I grabbed it. "Save it for outside!" I said. I tilted my head toward the door. Her eyes widened, but she nodded and relaxed.

  They marched us out into the street, then left us, dusting their hands together. Froome stumbled into the gutter, clutching his bag to his chest. A vehicle shaped like a bowl on wheels with three Bookworms in it screeched to a halt and sounded a horn at him that sounded like an indignant canary. Froome scrambled back onto the pavement and headed for the entrance.

  "I'm going back for Payge," he said. "I'll explain it's all a mistake. You can't stop me!"

  "Says who?" I demanded, making a beeline for him. "I'm going back for it! I'll toss you over the next building!"

  "In front of all of these people?" Froome said. "They'll jump you before you can hit me twice. This is a very law-abiding civilization. I'm going to take back my book!" He turned back to open the door. I dodged in front of him. He tried to get past me. I put a vise grip around his wrist.

  "Shall we dance?" I asked. "Buirnie, hit it!"

  A blast from the Flute caused everyone, including Froome, to turn and look. Klik, the spotlight, flew about twenty feet into the air and beamed its brightest light down on Calypsa. The drum swung into a sexy rhythm.

  "Give it all you've got, girl!" I said.

  Calypsa started whirling, waving her arms up and down to the music. In no time, her Dance of Fascination had captured the attention of passersby. Plump, round-faced Bookworms were crowding and shoving to get an unobstructed view of her. The bowl-shaped vehicles stopped where they were. The occupants slithered out to join the growing throng. Bookworms climbed walls and light posts to take a gander at Calypsa.

  For her part, the Walt was making the best use of her audience. She flirted with the guys in the front row, tickling under their chins with her feathered hands as she stepped and sashayed. She brought Ersatz into the act, spinning the gleaming blade over her head, then bringing it down and caressing it. Children were agog until their outraged mothers covered their eyes with one hand. I gawked, enjoying the show. Nothing seemed as important as what the slender Walt would do next.

  Suddenly, a finger hooked itself in the corner of my mouth and turned my head. I found myself looking into Tananda's eyes. She shook her head.

  "Can't ignore a pretty girl, can you?" "Thanks," I said.

  "Don't mention it. She's good, isn't she?"

  The effect on Froome was just as good as I had hoped. The Pikinise wizard stopped trying to pull away from me. He stared at Calypsa with his jaw hanging open. I let go of him, and tipped her a wink, careful not to watch her movements too closely.

  "Keep him there until I come back," I told Tananda. "I have an idea."

  "You have an idea?" Asti said, as I pushed open the door. "That's worth a headline."

  "Shut up," I said, with great pleasure. "We are entering a library."

  I swaggered up to the desk. If the Tomburgian male behind it was surprised to have a Pervect addressing him, he hid it well. I gave him my most affable smile.

  "Afternoon," I said, calmly. "I'd like to apply for a library card."

  Applause and gasps of admiration came in through the open door from the street. The librarian behind the desk straightened his goggle-thick glasses on his big nose and peered over my shoulder. "What is going on out there?"

  "Who knows?" I said. "May I have the application, please?"

  In no time at all, I was the proud possessor of a card for the Main Library System of Tomburg. Two minutes later, I was on the landing where Froome had stowed the Book. It slid off the shelf into my hands without a catch or a fuss. Two minutes after that I was standing in line at the desk. The same librarian who had given me my card stamped it out.

  "You can keep it as long as you need it," he said. "If there's an interlibrary request for it, we can use our crystal ball to find you."

  "You do that," I said, blithely. "Have a nice day."

  I sauntered out into the street with the Book under my arm. I waved over the heads of the crowd to Calypsa and Tananda.

  "Got it!" I called.

  With one final spin, Calypsa sheathed the Sword and stopped dancing.

  "Awwwww!" The crowd let out a wail of disappointment. Bookworms glanced sheepishly at one another, then scattered about their business. Within moments, the sidewalk was clear of all but a few passersby.

  Froome blinked a few times, then came to himself. He saw the Book, and made a grab for it. I stiff-armed him. He was taller than I was, but as weak as a strip club martini.

  "Sorry. He's coming with us, now."

  "You'll never get away with it," he gasped.

  "I just did."

  "But, what will I
do without him?" Froome said. "He gave me so many ideas!"

  "Ideas?" It was my turn to blink. "You're a magician. Use the force lines, like everybody else."

  "Magician?" he said, puzzled. "I'm not a magician. I'm a storyteller."

  "You're a what?" I asked, taken aback. "We thought you were using Payge as a grimoire. You're a member of the Magicians' Club."

  "No, no!" Froome said. "I do sleight of hand. It makes my live performances more interesting. Payge taught me to dimension-hop. It's so easy anyone can do it."

  "Not everyone," I growled.

  Froome didn't seem to notice. "Payge is a great teacher. He is far more than a grimoire! He's full of amazing stories, dating back millennia. Some really astounding tales. A lot of them have to do with the Golden Hoard." He stared at Ersatz and Kelsa. "These are some of the treasures, aren't they? I recognize them from his descriptions. Are they really as marvelous as the legends say?"

  "Shhh!" I growled, looking around at the foot traffic passing us on both sides. "Yes, they are. Don't make headlines out of it."

  "Amazing." Froome simply looked fascinated. "I have always lived a very quiet life. All I do is sit in a small room and craft stories, which I sell to make my living. Nothing ever happens to me. One day, I went to a cave, to inspire myself to write a story about underground terrors, and found him there on a shelf, gleaming like a…"

  "Like a beacon in the night?" I supplied.

  "Yes! You should be a writer. Payge has been my best source material, better than any other book I've ever read. I've been so productive with him critiquing my writing. When I read in his archives that you were coming, I just panicked! I packed up everything I had and fled. He's more than a treasure, he's my friend, my mentor! Are you sure you won't just…give him back to me?"

  "Sorry, kid. Win some, lose some."

  Froome was forlorn. "How can I go to the Saylemanor Festival without him?"

  "If leading us on a chase across the dimensions hasn't given you the material for a terrific epic," Tananda said, "then you can't be much of a storyteller."

  "Not to mention Calypsa's tale of woe," I said. "And you just met four of the other members of the Golden Hoard. That was Ersatz, the great Sword, at your throat up there in the library."