Too Hexy For Her Wand

by Susan Hayes

  Fern was about to tell them about her plan to build a new house for her and Orion when that rocket-powered handcart to hell she’d been worried about made its appearance at last.

  There was a thunderous boom from one of the more distant trucks, and a column of black smoke erupted into the sky. The light dimmed to a sickly red, and shadows far too dark and deep for the weakened light suddenly sprang into existence, creeping across the ground in serpentine curves.

  It took a few seconds for her to realize they weren’t merely serpentine shapes. They were fucking serpents, hissing, slithering nightmare forms of pure shadow.

  “That’s new,” Breeze said in a tight voice.

  “That is some major black magic mojo.” Snuffy was already clambering up his witch’s leg and Breeze reached down and grabbed him, setting his rotund form on her shoulder.

  “Vile fucking things,” Shaz agreed and stepped forward to swat at one of the things as it slithered toward them. It hissed and struck back before recoiling and vanishing into a puff of noxious black smoke.

  “Shazzy! Are you alright?”

  “Perfectly,” he announced with a level of smugness only a cat could manage.

  “They can’t hurt you?”

  “No physical attack can, and these might be magical constructs, but they don’t use magic to attack. I’ll keep them away from you.”

  Breeze sucked in a deep breath. “Either Shade has been eating a shit-tonne of Wheaties since we last met…”

  “Or that’s not Shade,” Fern finished the thought. “Doesn’t matter though. Whoever it is, we need to go kick his ass.” She stomped her brand-new pair of biker boots on the asphalt and held out her hand to Breeze. “Ready, Easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy?”

  She took her hand and gripped it tightly. “Nope, but let’s do this anyway, Fern-a-burn-it-to-the-ground.”

  They started walking toward the center of the shadow-storm, and their mates fell in a few steps behind them.

  “Witches,” Orion muttered.

  “Are weird,” Connell said.

  Shaz cleared a path for them, howling and attacking any of the shadow snakes that got too close. Fern and Breeze used their own magic to zap anything that came at them from the back or sides. By the time they reached the first truck, Fern had a new perspective on what it must have been like to shoot that snake scene from the first Indiana Jones movie. She’d never been more grateful for practical footwear in her life.

  Something waited for them on the road—a large mass of roiling shadows that turned out to be the source of the snake things.

  “That is definitely not Shade,” Breeze confirmed.

  “Indeed, I am not.” The mass spoke in a deep, booming vibrato that made the shadows dance in time to the words. Credit where it was due, that was a nifty effect.

  Fern took a quick look around. All the beavers had retreated to the tree line, several of them gnawing nervously on twigs as they watched events unfold. “Hey! That’s not your wood. Quit snacking on it!”

  Whoever was inside the shadow ball cleared his throat. “Do you mind? I have a forest to destroy and I don’t have time for you to get distracted by the minor players in this little drama.”

  “And this is why I told the Goddess she needed better writers.” Fern glanced up at the sky. “This is the best dialogue they could come up with for the villain? Really?”

  Breeze snickered. The shadows pulsed with what looked like annoyance, or maybe it was just an optical illusion.

  “As I was saying, I am not Shade. I am…” There was a long dramatic pause, and the shadows unfurled like some obscene flower, revealing a blocky figure garbed in a long black robe and a cowl.

  “Death?” Fern guessed.

  “Darth Hideous?” Breeze asked.

  “The Father of Shadows!” the voice boomed, this time with so much vibrato it warbled like the last bars of an electric guitar solo.

  “By any chance, do you and Shade use the same tailor?” Breeze asked.

  “My son seeks to emulate me in all things!”

  Fern looked at Breeze. “Son?”

  Breeze shrugged. “News to me, too.” Then she asked, “And where is Shade? Afraid to face me again?”

  “Hardly. He is… on another errand, and when it became apparent my hirelings were not up to the task of handing even this simple assignment, I decided to deal with you myself.”

  “There’s nothing to deal with, Frellshingle. We won. You can’t touch a tree or rock in this whole area. So why don’t you give up and go home.” Fern tried to put as much confidence into her words as she could, but that wasn’t easy when the ground was seething with shadow snakes and there was a reek of dark magic in the air. Bad fashion choices aside, their adversary had some serious power on his side.

  “The grove? Destroying it is only part of my plan.” He shrugged and then raised his hands, drawing up a fresh veil of shadows around himself. “If I kill the two of you, this ends right now. All I want is the power source.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’d know what to do with it! I could change the world. Think about it. With the power to change fates, I could end suffering and hunger, see to it the right people were given the ideal opportunity at the perfect moment to set them on a path to greatness. The world could be so much better than it is, but no one has the courage to take control and make the hard choices.”

  She sent up a silent prayer of thanks to the Goddess that this guy had never read the Evil Overlord List, which warned every want-to-be bad guy about the dangers of monologuing and giving away information before the heroes were dealt with. “So, you’re going to save the world and make it a better place, even if you have to kill people to do it?”

  “Exactly.”

  “There’s a word for people like you,” Breeze called out.

  There was a deep sigh from inside the shadows. “Do you think calling me a psychopath will hurt my feelings?”

  Breeze squeezed Fern’s fingers three times. It was the signal to get ready.

  “Actually, no. I was going to go with something a little simpler—asshole!” Fern shouted.

  They kept hold of each other’s hands and raised the other skyward, both of them repeating the words of the spell they’d come up with together.

  We call on her Glory, the Goddess so grand,

  We’re going to need help here, so lend us a hand.

  We are the protectors of all we hold dear,

  And we want all who threaten us a long way from here.

  So grant us the power to whip up a spell,

  to knock this jerk and his buddies right back into hell!

  A cyclone of magic swirled up around them, the greens and blues of their merged magic coming together and threading through with bolts of pure black. They screamed and held tightly to each other as the spell took shape, and a massive hockey stick with a blade the size of a city bus shimmered into existence overhead.

  It swooped down and made contact, sending the first truck high into the air, where it was swallowed by a swirling vortex positioned in the center of the world’s biggest goalie net. As the truck vanished, a light on top of the net strobed red and a horn went off.

  “Score!” someone hollered amid shouts of celebration.

  The hockey stick swung back and then struck again, this time slamming into the shadowy mass that hid the Father-of-fashion-failures. It looked for all the world like a puck soaring into an open net, but at the last minute the snake-things struck out and bit down on the edges of the net, stopping him from tumbling into the vortex.

  “Hit him with everything we’ve got!” she shouted to Breeze, who nodded and pointed to the next vehicle.

  After that, it got messy. The giant hockey stick laid waste to vehicle after vehicle, sending them crashing into the shadow-clad form of the warlock as they tried to knock him loose. He withstood the barrage, blocking every shot like he was trying out for a spot on a professional hockey team. Breeze muttered another spell and a second vortex app
eared in the sky. This one positioned to catch the falling vehicles as they bounced off their target.

  “Try a slapshot!” Orion called to them.

  There was only one vehicle left, but it was big. It was a massive flatbed truck with a hulking yellow machine sitting atop it. It looked a bit like a forklift but with a pair of huge, rounded claws that could clamp down on whatever it was trying to lift.

  The hockey stick increased in size as it swung back in a high arc. They threw the full force of their magic into that last swing, and it sent the truck and its cargo flying through the air. There was a howl of fury, a sound like a hundred snakes hissing at once, and Frellshingle tumbled into the vortex and vanished. The goal light came on, the horn sounded, and the air filled with several dozen voices singing Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye.

  The shadows burned away in a few seconds, leaving everyone blinking in the unfiltered sunlight. Fern banished the stick and net with a wave of her hand and sank down to the ground with a groan.

  “Road hockey is way harder than I thought it would be,” she muttered as Breeze dropped to the road beside her.

  “But we got him.” Breeze giggled. “Slapshot. Boom. Goal!”

  “We did.” Fern looked up as Orion ran up and crouched beside her. “You okay, angel?”

  “I’m awesome, just tired.” The townsfolk were gathering around them now, and the air overhead was full of darting fairies and drifting particles of pixie dust.

  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her tenderly. “You are amazing, and once I get you home, you are going into the jacuzzi.”

  “I’m going to need to order earplugs,” Shaz sighed as he tucked himself in beside them. “Do you think I can get them delivered before tonight?”

  “I’ll make you a nice, soundproof sleeping area. And when we build a new place, we’ll make sure it has soundproofed walls in all the bedrooms. Okay?”

  “What new place? Are you moving? Where?” Shaz gave her a panicked look.

  “We’re moving, you, me, and Ri. When I was buying property, I might have picked up the lot across the road, too. That way, when we get my parents back, they’ll still have somewhere to live.”

  “That sounds nice,” Shaz started purring softly in approval.

  Orion just laughed. “You bought the land already? I know you said you were a world-class shopper, but damn, woman. You’re a little scary.”

  She beamed up at him. “And don’t you forget it.”

  “Never,” he vowed and then kissed her again.

  Later, she would have to tell him that she’d also had the Snaggletuths transfer enough money from her accounts to the Watering Hole’s to pay off the mortgage and keep the carb-eating fairies in cookies for the rest of their days. After that, there would be no more secrets between them.

  She snuggled deeper into his arms and sighed contentedly. For the moment, she had everything she wanted. Her mate’s arms around her, her friends safe and sound, and a place to call home, even if the Feng Shui was all wrong and the décor was something out of her worst nightmares.

  Epilogue

  In the end, the jacuzzi had to wait. Thanks to Breeze’s quick thinking, the second vortex had sent all the Munchers’ equipment to a rest stop less than a kilometre away. They’d only lost the one truck, and Rod was happy to take a cash payout to avoid dealing with his insurance company. Apparently, the deductible on an act of witchcraft claim was tantamount to highway robbery.

  Then, everyone had insisted on a victory party, which started as a parade of cheering Shifters, dryads, and fairy folk. She’d ridden in with Orion while Shaz had muttered something about death machines and dead sweat socks and opted to accept a ride in Connell’s jeep instead.

  The celebration had gone on for hours, and she’d finally gotten to meet the rest of her neighbours. This time, she had memories of many of them, and as the food and drink flowed out of the pub’s kitchen, she found herself laughing and celebrating with everyone else. Snuffy got drunk and started stealing silverware while Shaz ate his weight in desserts and then passed out in a carb-induced coma at her feet. It was a good night.

  When they finally got home, Fern wanted nothing more than to fall into bed and sleep for a week. She glanced over at Orion. Well, that’s not all they’d be doing, but staying in bed for a few days was definitely on her agenda.

  “Where shall I put him?” Orion asked, nodding to the cat he held cradled in one arm. The sight of him holding Shaz with such care made her heart go all gooey. “On that chair. It’s his favourite.”

  “Got it.” He set the snoring animal down and even tucked one of her mother’s handmade quilts around him. “And where would you like to go, angel? I did promise you time in the jacuzzi at some point today.”

  As tempting as a midnight dip sounded, that wasn’t what she wanted right now. “Take me to bed, Ri.”

  “That would be my pleasure.”

  He scooped her into his arms, but before he made it three paces a disco ball appeared and the strains of “Wake Me Up before You Go-Go” by Wham! filled the air.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  “Best guess? Baba Yaga. Better put me down. Last time she did this, it got a little…messy.”

  Even as she spoke, the air around them filled with shimmering bubbles that bounced along in time with the music. When the verse ended, the bubbles popped and the mist they left behind coalesced into a two-litre tub of Moose Tracks ice cream and two spoons. There was also a note, a simple bit of folded paper set atop the ice cream.

  She read it while Orion leaned up against the nearest wall, arms folded and legs crossed, looking too damned sexy to be ignored. “Quit that.”

  “What?”

  “Looking that good when I need to concentrate on something. Do you have any idea how distracting you are?”

  His mouth quirked up into a sexy as hell grin. “Maybe, but I think you should tell me anyway.”

  “You are sex on a stick and you know it.”

  His smile grew a little feral and his eyes glinted with something not quite human. “And you are the most beautiful witch in the world. Now, hurry up and read the damned note so I can take you upstairs and show you just how sexy my stick is.” He curled his lips back just enough to flash a bit of fang. “And then I’m going to make you mine, Fern Summers. You might want to put up a little soundproofing before we start because once I get my teeth into you? You’re going to forget about everything else.”

  A thrill ran through her. “You think so?”

  “I know so.” Damn it. Arrogance should not be that sexy. It really wasn’t fair.

  She buried her head in the note and tried to ignore him.

  * * *

  Dear Fern,

  Congratulations on your success and your mating. Your parents would be so proud of you. I know I am. You took their advice, discovered your strengths and used them well.

  I will be paying a visit to your aunt tomorrow. What she did has a cost, and I have decided that her punishment will be to stay within the boundaries of Wyrding Way for the foreseeable future. I will convey this to her myself, but I thought you would like to be reassured that she will not be severely punished. She did what she did with good intentions, so house arrest will be sufficient.

  Enjoy the ice cream,

  Baba Yaga

  PS. Why haven’t you asked the locket for its last verse yet? Get on with it, girl!

  * * *

  She read the note and then handed it to Orion, who read it and scowled. “She seems to know an awful lot about what’s going on here.”

  “Baba Yaga is the high witch for a reason.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s still creepy as fuck. Can she see us right now?”

  “Try not to think about it. And remember, she’s a very busy witch with a great many responsibilities. She can’t be looking in on everyone all the time.”

  “Not really that comforting.” He pushed off the wall and joined her at the base of the stairs. “S
o. Time for the last verse?”

  She touched the locket and felt a pang of grief wash through her. “What if it’s the last time I get to hear them, Ri?”

  He closed his hand over hers. “It won’t be. I’ve got faith.”

  “The Goddess can’t be sure how this is going to end. Fate isn’t even certain, and she’s well, Fate.”

  “No, angel. Not that kind of faith. I believe in you.”

  A wondrous new feeling filled her heart, and she rose up and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you, Ri. Thank you.”

  He crushed her to him and kissed her until she was breathless and her grey cells were a sizzling puddle of goo. “I love you, too.”

  “That’s so sweet I think I’m at risk of developing instantaneous diabetes over here. Just fucking open the locket already,” Shaz muttered, still groggy.

  “Music woke you?”

  “Eighties music can wake the dead, or did you never see Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video?”

  She ignored the grumpy cat and opened the locket so she and Orion could both see it. “So, what happens next?”

  The little pendant vibrated, and then her parents spoke in unison.

  * * *

  “You stood your ground and won the day,

  But the threat’s not gone away,

  You’ve found a home and claimed your place,

  But one more battle you must face.

  When two become three, he will try to attack,

  And to resist him, your powers must stack.

  If you all come together and win this last fight,

  Then we’ll be reunited by the end of that night.

  The locket glowed, and they both waved like mad and blew kisses. “Whatever happens, please know that we will never stop loving you. Always and forever.”

  * * *

  There were tears on her cheeks as she watched the picture go still and then the pendant closed with a gentle click.

  “We’re going to bring them back,” Orion said