Angela's Hope (Wildflowers)

by Banicki, Leah

  “Sean…” She whispered and grabbed her face. She knocked over a glass jar in her dash around the counter but caught it and had it back in place before she was finally able to embrace the only living family she had left.

  “It is you, Angie girl.” Sean said, sounding like a man. It tore through her – was that some long ago memory of her father’s voice?

  The thin man with wavy brown hair held his sister while his emotions showed unchecked in tears washing down his tan cheeks.

  Gabe came down the stairs to see Angie and her brother reuniting, he said a prayer of thanks for the blessed event they had all been praying for.

  “You two go out back and talk, I have the store.” Gabe said once the two were paying attention.

  “Thanks Gabe,” Angela grabbed the hand of her brother’s and dragged him to the back of the building. They could hang with the chickens and talk.

  “You look like Papa.” Angela said when they were alone again. She looked over every inch of him. He was tall. With green eyes like hers and he looked strong. Not the sickly beaten down boy she had last seen so many years ago at the workhouse.

  “You look like mother.” His voice cracked a little. He didn’t quite know what to say.

  “I hope you are healthy.” Angela said. She hadn’t let go of his hand. Wanting to be sure by touching him that he was real.

  “Yes, Ol’ Willie and I stay busy. I do a lot of hunting. I sell meat to the miners. The fools never think ahead and buy enough to eat.” Sean laughed softly, Angela smiled after hearing it.

  “I have seen that to be true, they come back into town in a pitiful state sometimes. I see Gold Fever hasn’t taken ahold of you.”

  “No Ma’am. It’s an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay for me. There is no place for chasing gold when there is plenty of work to be had.” Sean said. He felt this strongly.

  “I know a few young men that agree with those words exactly.” Angela thought of Ted and thought about how many miles were now between them. She came out of her stupor to talk again. “I have news for you. I have a bank account for you. Our inheritance from our parents has been returned to us. I have a trunk…”Angie tried to tell him more but Sean interrupted.

  “I have no interest in any money. I am doing well. We had no estate that I ever knew of.” Sean said with a deep frown.

  “Mr. Lankarsky, our stepfather, was persuaded to release the will and accounts that were entrusted to us. It was done legally, I can tell you all about it if you would stay today. I know I would love to know about everything you have been doing. We have a lot to discuss.” Angela’s smile was so warm and ecstatic Sean had no choice but to smile back. He had mixed feelings about this reunion but he would hear her out. He had known about her for several weeks before he had worked up the nerve to come and see if the rumors were true.

  “I will stay for today and tomorrow in town to catch up. My heart nearly sped out of my chest when an old friend of Willie’s came by the cabin and told us about you being in San Fran looking for me. Since I heard about all the fires and gangs, Willie and I had decided to stay away. We like it better out in the wilds anyway. The land is being torn apart with all the digging”. Sean shared, Angela sat on the bench and he joined her.

  “I heard that people were using hoses and water to blast away at the side of hills, just tearing away at everything. Some people have no respect for maintaining the land. The committee in town cannot keep up with all the law breakers.” Angela shared the rumors she had heard.

  “I hate to see you here in this terrible place.” Sean said, and felt it sincerely.

  “You are not the only one. But I had to risk this place to see you. We are family.” Angela hugged him again.

  His mind was churning for any thoughts or words to say to her. This was a new reality to deal with. He had no idea what to do about it yet.

  Sean listened to Angela talk for hours. She kept talking through a lunch that Gabe brought to them wrapped in parchment paper from Amber upstairs.

  She talked about where she worked in Boston and meeting Corinne to the trip on the trail. Her experience had been so different than his. She shared briefly about how hurt she was after her fall in the ravine. She watched his own emotional response to the abuse at the hand of the young Mr. Temple who had sent her out into a moonless night.

  It made his blood boil. He was annoyed at his own response. He hadn’t cared for anyone in years, besides his mentor Willie. They had taken care of each other for all this time. He had been Sean’s father, brother and friend through everything. Now this girl who was his true flesh and blood was stirring up feelings that he would rather forget. Sean decided he owed her a few days at least. She had sacrificed much to find him. So he continued to listen, but his heart was not in it. He wanted to run away.

  * * * * *

  Angela was thrilled to introduce her brother to the Quackenbush family. They ate dinner at the large table and even Clive joined in. He spent several long minutes praising Angela about her fortitude and willing attitude. She was humbled by all the praise that the Quackenbush family lavished on her too. Everyone wanted Sean to know the kind of young woman his sister was, and how lucky they all were for having her there. Sean was quiet and a bit aloof but Angela figured he didn’t like crowds. Once dinner was over she led him outside and they sat and looked over the bay from the second floor balcony. The sun was behind them and the bay was peaceful. Angela was running out of things to talk about and was worried that she was boring him.

  “I hope you haven’t tired of me yet.” Angela said and laughed a little bit uncomfortably. She noticed Sean was quiet and trying to think of something to say. This was awkward.

  “I am just a bit overwhelmed. I have to keep telling myself that you are here in California territory. I never thought to see you again. I felt so guilty for running away from the work orphanage years ago. Willie was the one who finally talked me out of my guilt for leaving you behind.” Sean’s face turned red. Angela looked away to process her own thoughts.

  “I never blamed you, Sean.” Angela said it above a whisper. “I know you suffered from beatings every day there, from the older boys. It was a terrible place.” Angela remembered and felt hot tears slide down her chilled cheeks.

  “For many years I blamed God, then Mother for marrying that horrible man. I was able to get past all that anger but I somehow set you aside. Like you had died with Mother and Father. Maybe I just wanted to stop feeling like I left you in that horrible place. So I convinced myself that you were gone and I was just writing letters to a ghost.” Sean said it through a tight throat. It was hard to admit these things.

  “I don’t want you to feel this way. It was not God who put us there. It was our stepfather. God helped us out of that dreadful place.” Angela reached for Sean’s hand. He let her hold it but he still kept his eyes on the bay and the eastern sky. A few stars were starting to peak through the navy sky.

  “I know that now, I have made my peace with God. It was a long road and a great mentor who helped me. I was so lost and hurt for so many years.” Sean finally turned and gave a smile to his sister. They looked at each other for a long moment and got to know each other a little bit better.

  It was an hour later that Sean excused himself and stayed at the boarding house down the street. It wasn’t much more than a closet-sized room with a cot, but he refused to bunk with the Quackenbush’s family. Angela assumed he wanted his own space to think so they didn’t press him. He promised to return in the morning for another day to stay in town.

  * * * * *

  Angela was trying really hard not to tap her foot with impatience. Her brother had said he would be there at nine a.m. And it was already after eleven. After an hour she started to fret, just a little bit. Knowing the dangers within the city, her brain could process several scenarios about how her brother could fall into some kind of peril. Angela had a brown paper envelope with Sean Fahey written across it, it held all the bank paperwork that Corinne h
ad filed for him. The money was his. Angela was determined to convince him to take it.

  After the clock on the wall past eleven her heart dropped, wondering if perhaps he had decided against seeing her again. The potential was unthinkable and she shook off the thought several times. He is coming. She told herself, again and again.

  At 11:42 a footstep was on the stairs. Amber and Angela both looked up from their crocheting. Figuring it was Gabe. Angela breathed out a sigh of relief when Sean appeared, finally.

  “Oh good. I was beginning to fret.” Angela said as she laid aside her crocheting.

  Sean wordlessly gave a nod to Amber and then spoke. “Want to talk on the balcony?” His voice was low and his words were stunted. Like he didn’t want to say them.

  “That would be fine.” Angela said slowly, trying to see if his face would give anything away. He was almost grimacing.

  Once they closed the outside down they sat at the small table and chairs that was there. Sean had pulled out a chair for her but kept standing. He just paced around for a minute.

  Angela felt awkward and spoke. “I hope you aren’t injured. You seem out of sorts.”

  Sean opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. Angela pushed the envelope at him, at a loss of what to say to this man that seemed a stranger now to her.

  “I don’t want that!” Sean said emphatically.

  “It’s yours whether you want it or not.” Angela said, her voice sounding meek in her own ears.

  “I don’t want any of this.” Sean said and he shoved his hands in his pockets. He paced as Angela’s heart dropped further into her gut.

  “Are you worked up about the money or something else?” Angela finally asked once his pacing had driven her to distraction.

  “Everything about this is wrong.” Sean wasn’t yelling but every word felt like weapons. “I don’t have a family anymore.”

  Angela let the air escape slowly from her lungs. She had no words.

  “I don’t want you coming back over and over again and disrupting my life. I buried you and everyone from my past a long time ago.” Sean was looking over her, almost like she wasn’t there.

  Angela wanted to say something, perhaps defend herself by saying she wasn’t going to keep coming back if he didn’t want her there. But the words were trapped in her throat. Just like the tears were locked inside her. She would not dare to let them out. Her years as a servant taught her to hide her emotion at all costs. She was using every ounce she had of her coping skills all at this moment in time.

  Sean took the envelope, folded it and shoved it into his back pocket. Angela felt the smallest stirrings of hope, she felt the fool but she clung to it. She let Sean stew in his own thoughts.

  Sean finally sat after he paced in the thick silence between them. Angela watched his face, not knowing him well enough to know what flashed across his eyes. She wondered quietly. She prayed while she watched him. She felt something inside her bloom and then a thought formed. He doesn’t want to see me. He wishes I had never come.

  The realization was felt inside her like a razor knife, it was worse than the pain of the dark ravine, as every word he had said washed over her. She was pondering deep in the meaning of every glance and look from the day before as he endured her talking. She knew what an ignoramus she was now. She felt glued to her chair. She actually felt her jaw go slack with the knowledge of what a fool she really was.

  She had travelled from Boston to the west for him, and then away from the safety of loved ones to this dangerous city for him. And he did not want to see her, ever.

  Sean sighed and placed his hands on the table. The gesture was lost on Angela. Was he trying to calm himself? Or find more ways to insult her?

  “You need to leave California.” Sean said finally. He looked into her eyes without an ounce of affection or compassion. “Go back to Oregon.”

  Sean stood straight again then he pulled a cap from his front pocket and placed it on his head. He was through the door and his steps could be heard going down the stairs. The jingling of the bell on the front door was a faraway noise. Angela sat and listened until all signs of her brother were gone.

  * * * * *

  She had sat on that balcony and had been numb for more than an hour. The sounds of Amber and Gabe eating a meal had been heard. Amber peeked onto the balcony and asked if she needed company. Angela had just shaken her head ‘no’ without looking away from the eastern horizon.

  The rejection was felt and the hardest thing to swallow. She hadn’t asked to live with him. She had no plans for that, really. All she had wanted was the connection. He obviously didn’t.

  Her tears finally made it through the cold numb facade and once they did, the full flow of emotions rolled through her. Her only living family could not even spend a full day in her presence. She knew she could not embrace her parents again until she was called to heaven but he was here and she was here and… the full impact of his words and actions were not lost on her now. He didn’t want her as a sister.

  The thought echoed through her head for the next two days. She talked with Amber and Gabe about it a little. They tried to comfort her but she brushed it off her, like she was just unaffected.

  After dinner that first night she said flatly. “I think I need to go back home.”

  “I agree that would be best. We will be following you soon after. I do hope you will come and stay with us upon occasion.” Amber said to try and lighten her friend’s mood. It was hard to watch a friend be in pain.

  “You know I will gladly.’ Angela tried to smile at Amber with her sad eyes.

  The discussions were quickly switched to her return to Oregon. It was the only thing that would engage her besides Silas and his baby antics.

  Clive and Gabe had made arrangements for her on the steamship heading to Oregon first; it was later going to Washington. Angela listened with half her attention as they discussed politics and talk of the states and territories of the West. She read the newspapers and knew everything the men talked about, but she just couldn’t find the energy to join in.

  After two days of crying herself to sleep she felt a little better. She let Amber into her head a little bit and shared finally everything that Sean had said. Amber, being an empathetic soul cried with her. She held Angela’s hand as they spoke of Oregon and hopeful things. There was nothing much to say when family hurts you.

  Angela proclaimed, “God and I have gotten through a lot together. He will get me through this too.” Her brave green eyes showed the wounds, but she knew she was not fully broken.

  Amber and Gabe would be following her to Oregon within a few months. The store in Portland was coming together. They would be selling fancy goods. Clive was working with sellers on the east coast, Russia, China, Japan and India so far. The west was going to be settled and Clive knew that people would need more in their homes than just the basics. Portland was a growing town and the port a good one. Everyone was catering his vision and on board with the plan. The San Francisco store was going to get a new manager. A businessman in town wanted to partner with Clive and split the proceeds. The store name would stay the same so he would not lose the loyal customers.

  Angela felt relief knowing that Amber and Gabe would be close by once she was back in Oregon. Just the thought of those mountains and being home made her heart feel lighter. She felt like her heart was thin as paper and on the edge of shredding but the word ‘home’ calmed her. She wouldn’t think about the words her brother had said or the rejection now. She would just go home.

  Four days after he told her to leave she followed his instructions. She was leaving San Francisco.

  Chapter 29

  The goodbyes were tearful between Amber and Angela. There were lots of hugs and promises of visits when they got to Oregon. Angela knew her face was blotchy with tears by the time it was her turn to climb aboard the steamboat.. The newest port had allowed for steamboats to get right up to the dock for easier boarding. Angela was thankful for the
less humiliating mode of travel. Clive held her arm as they made their way through the crowd. The process was now known to her, she didn’t have the need to see everything aboard like she had the first time she had been on a steamship. Her baggage was handled and her bunk was adequate. She leaned on Clive throughout that evening by the cast iron stove. The nights were cold on the water and the wind whipped around the steamboat as it chugged its way to Oregon. Clive kept her company and was his best amusing self to cheer her. But Angela knew he wasn’t fooled by her pretend smile. Clive was no fool.

  She had some bad dreams about the ship sinking, and a few dreams reliving the last day with her brother. Then in one dream it was Ted telling her he never wanted to see her again. She knew her emotions were in shambles and she kept praying and reading the bible Corinne gave her when she couldn’t find sleep.

  The days were slow on the rocking ocean and the slow steady numbness led to a lingering melancholy. She pushed the thoughts away as much as she could but they were persistent in creeping back in. She prayed and felt God’s comfort in bits and pieces but she knew she had a lot of questions about what she had done wrong to make her brother want to push her away so emphatically. The answers didn’t come but she knew they would with time. Her brother had been right about something. She needed to go home. Her friends and the mountains were calling her back.

  * * * * *

  Corinne

  Willamette Valley - Oregon

  The day had been a tough one for Corinne. A farmer within a mile had had two sheep mauled and eaten the night before. Everyone was on edge and the men were considering keeping a night watch. Putting men on rooftops and lighting torches and lanterns. Every able-bodied man had been put to task on getting all animals to safety within barns or secured areas.

  Corinne had sent all her employees home at lunchtime. She promised everyone the full day wage but just felt that everyone would be safer if no one traveled alone at dusk. The situation with the wildcats was feeling chaotic and dangerous.