Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  “Come on, Dexter,” Jacob said. “You don’t want to get old and look back on your life and think, ‘Wow, if only I had looked inside that spaceship that magically appeared on my street. Maybe I should have checked that thing out.’ Don’t be so scared.”

  Dexter rubbed the heels of his palms together. “I’m not scared,” he said. “It’s just that . . . What if there’s a law against underage space driving?”

  “I promise there’s no law against underage space driving.”

  “But what about—”

  “You’re coming with us. Don’t be a chicken.”

  Dexter finally said, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to at least look at the inside.”

  Jacob scrambled up the ladder and gasped when he stepped inside the belly of the spaceship. Instead of the futuristic metal and plastic he had been expecting, it was almost as if they had stepped back in time onto an old pirate ship. The walls and ceiling of the ship were covered in a rich mahogany, the floor was made of rough-hewn planks, and in the middle stood a proud, ornate circular staircase with a pearl banister that led to the cockpit.

  Four doors opened up off of the hold, and the children each headed for a different one.

  Dexter reached his door first and threw it open. The room was filled with huge wooden casks and some fearsome weaponry that he would need to hide from Jacob. “Supply room,” he called out to the others.

  Jacob reached his room next and stepped inside. Two very inviting hammocks hung from the ceiling, and there were a few cast-iron trunks on the floor. “Sleeping quarters,” he yelled.

  Sarah headed straight to the big door in the front of the ship, and when she opened it she simply yelled, “Dibs! Dibs dibs dibs dibs dibs dibs dibs!!”

  Jacob and Dexter came rushing in and saw the magnificent captain’s quarters that Sarah had claimed for her own. The room comprised the front wedge of the ship, and beautiful rectangular windows looked out on the moonlit forest. Jacob could only imagine what the view would be like when they reached outer space. The parts of the walls that were not windowed were covered by old space-faring maps printed on yellowing paper. A large wooden armoire stood in one corner next to a large desk. But what had captured Sarah’s attention was a massive four-post bed with an alien mermaid carved into the headboard. The bed was covered in soft, billowy comforters, and Sarah had already sprawled across them.

  “Can someone fetch me a spot of tea?” she called out. “Ha-ha! Don’t even think you can talk me out of this room, Jake. I’ll fight you to the death.”

  Dexter went out and threw open the fourth door, hoping to find the most spectacular room of all, but instead he found a toilet and shower. “Oh. Bathroom,” he said.

  Jacob’s eyes widened. “Wait. What about the cockpit?”

  Jacob and Dexter raced up the circular staircase. The cockpit was covered with a glass dome, which allowed a view all around the ship. Two big seats sat forward in the front with a steering wheel for each side. An impressive array of wooden knobs and metal levers surrounded both seats. Two more seats sat back behind, with still more knobs, levers, pulleys, and buttons. Dexter made a beeline for one of the rear seats and plopped down. “There is no way I’m driving this thing.”

  Jacob went and sat in the larger captain’s chair, and when Sarah reached the cockpit she pressed her lips together. “You think I can’t drive a spaceship?” she muttered.

  “I got here first! He gave me the keys. Please?” Jacob adopted his best pleading face, which didn’t often sway the sympathies of Sarah Daisy, but on this occasion he had to try. He was reasonably sure he would be the first sixth grader ever to blast off into space, and he imagined that it would result in a great deal of fame. If he was listed in a history book he might even be inclined to read one someday.

  Sarah frowned. “Fine. It’s your lucky day after all.” She joined him at the front in the first mate’s seat.

  Jacob found the ignition, inserted the biggest key, and turned it. The spaceship gave a satisfying hum. He turned to Sarah and said, “So where do you guys want to—”

  Jacob didn’t have a chance to finish the question. The spaceship had already blasted off.

  CHAPTER 7

  There goes Mars!” Dexter shouted as the red planet rushed past the window.

  The spaceship was speeding through the solar system at an impressive velocity. Jacob and Sarah furiously spun the wheels and pushed every button they could find, but nothing was changing the ship’s course. All of the buttons were labeled with otherworldly letters that they couldn’t read.

  “What’s going on?” Jacob yelled.

  “Asteroid belt!” Dexter called out.

  “I think we’re going faster!” Sarah shouted.

  Jacob knew he was in trouble. The ship wasn’t slowing down, and Earth was a tiny dot in the rearview monitor. He had thought they would just fly to space and back, or maybe buzz Hong Kong. He hadn’t even considered that they would zoom past planets and leave Earth far behind.

  “Jupiter!” Dexter yelled.

  “You don’t have to yell so loud,” Sarah said.

  “I’m very excited!” Dexter yelled.

  The huge planet loomed with its red dot, and they could see the swirling clouds in the atmosphere.

  After pushing just about every button in the cabin, Jacob saw one with an image of a tongue on it, and he pressed it. Suddenly all of the buttons changed to another language, and the letters looked a little closer to an Earth language.

  “Those were simplified Chinese characters!” Sarah said.

  Jacob kept pressing the button, and finally the labels switched over to English. But Jacob was pressing the button so frantically he accidentally pressed it one extra time, and the buttons became unreadable again.

  “Oops,” Jacob said.

  “Saturn!” Dexter yelled.

  Jacob looked out the cockpit window. They were so close to Saturn, he could see huge chunks of ice within its rings, reflecting the increasingly faraway sun. A few small white moons stood out in the darkness of space.

  “Wow,” Dexter said.

  “No time,” Sarah said. “Jake, are you going to stop this thing or what?”

  “This is really bad!” Dexter shouted. “Oh, there goes . . . Um . . . Which one is that again?”

  “Uranus,” Sarah said.

  “Uranus!” Dexter yelled.

  Jacob kept pressing the tongue button, and after pressing it more than a hundred times it finally switched to English, but at that point he was so used to pressing the button, he pushed past it again, and the buttons switched back to an unreadable language.

  “No!” Jacob smacked his hand on his head. “English! English!”

  The buttons all switched to English.

  “Oh,” Jacob said.

  “Neptune!” Dexter yelled.

  Sarah was scratching her head. “Something’s not right here. The planets in the solar system aren’t all just lined up in a row, they’re scattered all over in their orbits. But the spaceship is taking us right to each of them in order. Are we on some sort of tour? And Jake, are you going to get control of this ship?”

  “Pluto!” Dexter yelled.

  Jacob quickly found the button that said “Override,” and with a lurch he found himself at the wheel of a spaceship that was rocketing through the galaxy and quickly leaving the solar system behind. A small planet whizzed by outside the window.

  “That’s ... I’m not sure what that was!” Dexter said.

  The spaceship swung wildly around as Jacob tried to gauge the sensitivity of the wheel, and yet their speed was only increasing. The rest of the Milky Way galaxy loomed ahead, a soft white streak across the sky, and one large star in particular that happened to be growing larger and larger in the window as the ship sped toward it.

  “Jake, look, look!”

  “I see it!” Jacob said.

  The star was now so bright that Jacob imagined he could feel the heat, but the ship still felt cool on the inside. Jacob
didn’t yet know how to hit the brakes, so he did the only thing he could think to do: He spun the wheel as fast as he could.

  The ship quickly arced to the right, and a new problem came into view.

  “Big random planet!” Dexter yelled.

  A massive gray pockmarked planet, completely barren and dusty, loomed straight ahead. They were on a collision course and he didn’t think he’d be able to turn away in time. Jacob scanned the console for options. He saw a button that said “Huge missile launcher.”

  “I’m going to shoot it with a missile.”

  “Jake, what if there are aliens on that planet?!” Sarah said.

  “No choice!”

  “Hurry!” Dexter said.

  Jacob quickly pressed the button and the ship shuddered as two missiles darted ahead straight toward the planet. They landed with a spectacular explosion and sent the planet careening out of their path. Jacob pressed another button that said “Elliptical slingshot,” an the ship sped forward, swung a tight orbit around the planet, and use the gravity to shoot off in another direction like a slingshot. The trio looked out the window as the planet hurtled toward the star.

  Jacob, Sarah, and Dexter watched the space carnage as their ship raced away. The planet collided into the star with a spectacular blast of white light. It exploded into another star, creating a still larger explosion, and then another, and another, and still yet another and another, brighter and brighter, and as they sped rapidly away, what had once been a light smattering of stars in the distance looked like a streak of spilled milk across the sky.

  Jacob finally found the brakes and stopped the spaceship. They sat in space, watching exploding stars and an unfolding problem of cosmic proportions.

  Stars had exploded. Planets had been obliterated. The sky was streaked with star guts. Jacob, Dexter, and Sarah looked at one another in stunned silence.

  “I think we just broke the universe,” Dexter said.

  CHAPTER 8

  The explosions seemed to have stopped, but space was still very bright in the aftermath of the big kapow, and a giant streak of white across the sky sometimes pulsated as the stars settled into a messy new arrangement that Dexter dubbed the Spilled Milky Way galaxy. Jacob ran his hands over his face. The first planet had looked deserted, but he hoped there weren’t any people or aliens or strange men dressed in silver who lived on any of the other planets they had just destroyed.

  “Well?” Sarah asked. “What are we going to do?”

  Dexter raised his hand.

  Sarah said, “Um. Dexter?”

  “It’s time to go home,” he said. “Think about how worried our parents are right now. We’ve been gone at least an hour, and who knows how long it’s going to take us to get back to Earth.”

  Sarah said, “Dexter’s right. It’s time to go home, Jake.”

  They turned to Jacob, waiting for his agreement. He thought about his mom and how she must have finished checking the stock markets. She might have even wandered downstairs and realized he was missing. Given the day’s events she probably thought he had run away, and since his mom was not the most composed individual in a crisis, Jacob imagined that the entire neighborhood was currently feeling the formidable wrath of her panic. But then he shook his worried mom out of his head. He had pressing space matters to attend to. He pointed at the cockpit window. “I’m not going home until I’ve spacewalked.”

  Sarah looked quickly over at Dexter, waiting for his reaction. A slow grin spread across his face.

  They jumped up and went scrambling down the staircase and into the hold. “Spacesuits!” Dexter shouted. “We must have spacesuits!”

  Jacob ran into the supply room and saw a huge assortment of space blasters, projectile launchers, and some devilish devices whose purpose he couldn’t even begin to imagine. Dexter and Sarah caught up with him and saw the ideas that were clearly forming in Jacob’s head. “I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t see those,” Dexter said.

  They went rooting through the bins and found plenty of food and supplies, but no spacesuits.

  Jacob ran out of the supply room and into his bunk. He threw open the metal trunk. “Jackpot!”

  He pulled out a spacesuit. It was made of a lightweight material that gave off a soft glow, and was entirely silver except for a white triangle on the chest and orange bands around the shoulders. He also found a clear helmet, orange gloves and boots, and a small gray jetpack that attached with an orange belt. “Here we go!” he said.

  Dexter ran in, saw Jacob’s spacesuit, and opened the other trunk. “My boots are green!”

  They ran into the captain’s room with Sarah, who threw open the great armoire, and said, “Oh, you gotta be kidding me.”

  She pulled out her boots and showed them to Jacob and Dexter.

  “What?” Jacob asked. “They’re purple.”

  “They’re lavender!” she shouted. “Oh, sure, give the girl the lavender boots. I’m trading. One of you has to give me your boots.”

  Jacob and Dexter ran out of the room to go put on their spacesuits.

  “This is so sexist!” Sarah yelled after them.

  Dexter and Jacob quickly put on their spacesuits and waited for Sarah. When she emerged from the captain’s quarters wearing her spacesuit she shook her head. “Don’t you think it’s a little bit strange that there were spacesuits that just happened to fit us already on board this ship? In the same rooms we chose? Did someone plan this trip for us?”

  Jacob ran over to the rear of the hold and found the exit button. “Yes, it’s very strange. In fact, let’s talk about it some more. In outer space.”

  He pressed the button. The rear door opened with a hiss, and Jacob dove out into space.

  Dexter stepped over to the edge and watched Jacob sail around, twisting and turning in loops and doing a series of awkward somersaults in zero gravity.

  Sarah dove out right after Jacob, and Dexter gingerly stepped out and felt the outer space vacuum pull him away from the ship.

  Jacob quickly figured out that his spacesuit and jetpack had a self-propulsion system. When he put his hands forward like he was diving into water, he zoomed forward. Every lean sent him in a different direction, and all he had to do was put his hands to his side to hit the brakes. He zoomed in a straight line away from the spaceship before doubling back in a graceful arc.

  “This is pretty much the coolest thing ever,” Jacob said through the intercom.

  “I would have to agree,” Sarah said after doing a perfect figure eight.

  Dexter was just drifting in space by himself and not making any sudden movements. “I think I’m getting space sick.”

  Jacob marveled that he was spacewalking with his favorite people from Earth, floating around and doing flips and seeing what zero gravity really felt like: kind of like swimming, only waving your arms and kicking your legs didn’t get you very far.

  Jacob went zooming after Sarah and gave her leg a strong shove, which sent her careening in circles. She righted course and charged straight for Jacob’s stomach, slamming into him with her shoulder. “Oof,” Jacob said, doubling over.

  He grabbed her by the shoulders, and Sarah and Jacob made eye contact, floating together slowly. Sarah smiled. Then she gave him a fierce head butt, helmet to helmet.

  “Ow!”

  “Ha-ha!”

  Jacob flew away in the opposite direction.

  That was when he saw the lights of the police cruiser.

  CHAPTER 9

  Two policemen with bright pink skin emerged from a sleek police space cruiser striped with blue and black bars. The officers wore dark blue spacesuits that barely contained their massive bodies, and they looked as if they were pumped full of air to the bursting point. As they ushered the children back onto the man in silver’s spaceship, Jacob realized he was probably in violation of a surprisingly vast array of interplanetary laws. Now that he knew there really were humans in outer space, he wondered if the planets they had destroyed had actually been inha
bited. He leaned over and put his face in his hands.

  The two space officers introduced themselves as Officers Bosendorfer and Erard.

  “First question,” Officer Bosendorfer said, “who is responsible for this disaster?” “I—” Jacob said.

  “Not you,” Officer Erard said.

  Sarah and Dexter shook their heads. “You either,” Officer Erard said.

  Jacob heard a pained sigh, and a sassy female voice said, “I was giving these children a perfectly good and incredibly fast tour of their star system when they decided to override my systems and managed to destroy a very nice planet and several star systems. It’s been simply ghastly.”

  Sarah gasped. “The spaceship can talk?”

  “What did you expect?” she said.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” Sarah asked.

  The ship sighed again. “I am so bored right now.”

  Officers Bosendorfer and Erard gave each other meaningful glances. “Children, this next question is quite serious. What rank are you in the Earther army that has been sent to destroy Astrals once and for all?”

  “Generals at least, by the looks of them,” Officer Erard whispered to Officer Bosendorfer.

  “We are peace-loving people,” Officer Bosendorfer said, holding up his hands. “We just want to enjoy life. We know that by age twelve most Earther children have already served in several wars, but we don’t want to fight with you.”

  Jacob looked at Sarah, who shook her head with her eyes wide. “What’s an Astral?” Jacob asked.

  Officer Bosendorfer snorted. “Young man, we are not that easily fooled. Please answer the question. Are you generals or is one of you the Earther leader?”

  “Um,” Sarah said. “That whole space kapow thing was an accident! We didn’t do it on purpose. This isn’t a war.”

  Officer Bosendorfer looked at Sarah as if she were speaking nonsense, but Officer Erard said cautiously, “Young lady, are you telling us the truth?”