Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  “It was an accident!” Sarah shouted.

  Officer Bosendorfer slumped into his chair in relief. “Oh, thank the universe. I’m too lazy to fight a war.”

  Jacob turned back and looked at the Spilled Milky Way galaxy, still flashing with explosions. “What about those planets?” he asked quietly. “What did we do?”

  Officers Bosendorfer and Erard turned to look at the space kapow. “Oh. Yes. While apparently it was not an act of intergalactic war, you children made quite a serious mess.”

  Jacob’s chest tightened as he readied himself for charges against outer space humanity.

  Officers Bosendorfer and Erard nodded to each other. “And after painstaking deliberation we will let you kids off with a warning. You’re very fortunate those planets were very ugly and uninhabitable. You’re also lucky that Officer Erard and I have a powerful aversion to paperwork.”

  “Overpowering,” Officer Erard agreed.

  Jacob felt like he could breathe again.

  “Now we can go home!” Dexter said.

  Officer Erard tapped his head with his finger. “Now hold on there. Aren’t you from Earth?” he asked.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “That’s what I thought.” Officer Erard nodded. “You can’t go home.”

  “What?!” Sarah shrieked.

  “Why not?” Jacob asked.

  Officers Bosendorfer and Erard peered at the children as if they were quite dim. “Because you broke the universe,” Officer Bosendorfer said. He pointed out the window at the white smear across the sky. “You can’t very well fly through that. That is the way to Earth.”

  All the blood in Jacob’s face rushed in the direction of his space boots as it dawned on him that they could be stuck in space for a very long time. He could scarcely imagine the creative, sadistic measures of grounding his mother would employ upon his return. She would take away fun things he never knew he appreciated. She might even invent fun things that had never before existed only to deny Jacob the pleasure of participating in them. He didn’t even have a way of telling her they were still alive. Of course, that assumed that the space kapow didn’t also . . .

  “Is Earth okay?” Jacob asked quickly. “We didn’t destroy that too, did we?”

  Officer Erard looked at his handheld computer. “It’s probably fine.”

  “Probably?!” Dexter cried.

  “Couldn’t really say. The important thing is that no Astral colonies were destroyed.”

  Dexter wiped his face with his hands and tried to use his words. “Could we . . . go . . . around the . . . uh . . . Spilled Milky Way galaxy? To make sure . . . our planet is still there?”

  Officer Erard waved his hand vaguely. “Radiation.”

  “That sounds bad!” Sarah shrieked.

  “But don’t worry,” Officer Bosendorfer said cheerfully. “These things usually clear up in a couple thousand years.”

  Dexter had a sudden coughing fit.

  Officer Erard’s handheld device squawked to life. “Officer Bosendorfer and Officer Erard, come in. Officer Bosendorfer and Officer Erard, come in. Please respond immediately to a code brown.”

  Suddenly it was Officers Bosendorfer’s and Erard’s turn to look pale. Officer Erard gasped for breath. “Do you . . . do you mean . . .”

  “Mick Cracken is headed your way. You must give chase!”

  “Mick Cracken?!” Officer Bosendorfer shuddered. His bottom lip began to quiver and he looked as if he might cry. “Do we have to?”

  CHAPTER 10

  Jacob had read that outer space is completely silent because there’s no air or water or anything else to transmit sound, just one big vacuum of nothing. That didn’t apply to the insides of spaceships, of course, because they were filled with air, but still, Jacob never would have guessed that the quietest moment he would experience in outer space would have involved two space officers stunned into silence by the name Mick Cracken.

  Officers Bosendorfer and Erard were slumped in their chairs staring out the cockpit window, radiating an acute sense of panic. Officer Bosendorfer sniffed once and rubbed his eyes. Officer Erard stared straight up at the roof and shook his head. Jacob, Sarah, and Dexter looked around at one another and shrugged their shoulders.

  Finally, Sarah Daisy broke the quiet. “Who’s Mick Cracken?”

  Officer Bosendorfer waved his hand at her. “Young lady, this is no time for bravery,” he said.

  Officer Erard sighed. “You know I can’t even say his name?”

  “I can say his name,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “But it makes me shudder every time. Watch this. Mick Cracken.” Officer Bosendorfer didn’t shudder. “Well, that time I didn’t shudder, but usually I shudder. It’s not usually something I can control, I . . .” Officer Bosendorfer shuddered. “Oh. There. See? Delayed shudder that time.”

  “I just never ever want to even think about—”

  “Who is Mick Cracken?!” Sarah asked again. This time the officers looked over at her.

  “You mean you’re not afraid of him?” Officer Bosendorfer said.

  “I don’t even know who he is.”

  “Well, don’t tell him that.” Officer Erard shook his head. “He hates that more than anything.”

  “Mick Cracken,” Officer Bosendorfer said with a shudder, “is the most rotten, black-hearted buccaneer this side of the Big Dipper.”

  “He’s dangerous,” Officer Erard said.

  “He’s tough.”

  “He’s strong.”

  “He’s crazy.”

  “He once stole the hair off of the princess’s cat.”

  “And the cat didn’t even notice.”

  “He’s dangerous.”

  “You already said that,” Sarah said.

  Officer Erard turned to Officer Bosendorfer. “You have to admit, he is clever though.”

  “Too clever.”

  “He’s—”

  A loud, piercing alarm sounded on the officers’ uniforms. Officer Erard slumped farther down in his chair. “He’s here.”

  “He’s here?!” Sarah shrieked.

  Officer Bosendorfer patted Sarah on the back. “We can only hope he doesn’t steal you,” he said gravely.

  “Ha,” Sarah said, “I’d love to see him try.” But then she swallowed nervously.

  Jacob Wonderbar jumped out of his chair and stood in front of the group. He didn’t know what he planned to do, but he wasn’t going to sit around and wait for this Mick Cracken to arrive and start stealing people. They had more important things to do, like figuring out if Earth still existed. The officers looked impressed by Jacob’s sudden display of initiative and nodded to each other.

  “We have to fight him,” Jacob said.

  Officer Erard threw his head back and laughed for nearly thirty seconds. Then he seemed to realize that his laughter sounded a few shades away from outright lunacy and abruptly stopped. His face resumed its terrified countenance.

  Officer Bosendorfer shuddered. “I only thought about his name that time,” he said.

  “If I may interrupt this riveting conversation that I was so looking forward to listening to for the next seven hours,” the ship said, “my sensors are detecting an oncoming cruiser with a very snooty nav system bearing the royal insignia, who isn’t shy about going on and on about his pedigree. Mick Cracken will be here in two minutes. Unless we do something now, we will be boarded and towed and I’ll have to hear that nav system prattle on about his state-of-the-art rocket boosters for the next ten years, which may be the only thing in the universe that’s less interesting than you hooligans.”

  Sarah sat forward. “Ship, what do you think we should do?”

  “My name is Lucy,” the ship snapped.

  Sarah pursed her lips together. “What do you think we should do, Lucy?”

  “Well,” Lucy said with a suddenly unctuous and pleasing voice. “I just happened to be thinking that we could engage in some evasive maneuvers that I’ve been calculating, which I don’t
mind telling you are terribly exciting and employ geometric marvels beyond your pitiful human comprehension. We would do some rapid loops and twists while shooting off several spectacularly powerful missiles, and while you humans may be crippled by the resulting G forces and there is a seventeen percent chance that we would be blown to pieces by the missiles flying indiscriminately, I for one feel that it is well worth the trade-off. What do you say?”

  Jacob and Sarah frowned at each other.

  “That is,” Lucy said, “unless you children are too frightened.”

  “I’m not scared of anything,” Sarah said.

  “I am,” Dexter said. “I’m scared of many, many things.”

  Jacob looked out the cockpit window. He saw a little dark gray speck out in space. That little dark gray speck turned into a slightly larger little dark gray speck, and then it grew to such a size that it was no longer a speck at all but rather a dark gray splotch. The splotch grew larger and larger until Jacob could make out the contours of what could no longer be considered a speck nor a splotch but instead was definitely, positively a very large, very scary-looking spaceship that was rapidly heading their way.

  “There he is!” Jacob shouted. “Evasive maneuvers! We have to get away! But Lucy, no crippling maneuvers, and no missiles. That’s an order.”

  “Fine,” Lucy sighed. “But you should know that I’m already bored.”

  Lucy lurched into action and quickly left the police cruiser in the space dust. The kids and Officer Bosendorfer strapped themselves into their seats, while Officer Erard, who didn’t have a seat, held on to the banister as best he could as Lucy turned at all-but-crippling speeds.

  “This would be fun if we were on Planet Coasterland,” Officer Erard said. “But we’re not.”

  Jacob held on to his seat. The ship barreled into a long, arcing turn as Mick Cracken’s vessel sped forward in an attempt to head them off. A deep mechanical voice filled the cabin. “Stop at once! You are about to have the immense honor of being boarded and relieved of your valuables by Mick Cracken, buccaneer, bandit, and brigand extraordinaire. Stop now or suffer extreme consequences.”

  “It’s him,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “Oh my, it’s really him.”

  Mick Cracken was gaining on them, and no matter how snooty and royal Mick’s ship may have been, it certainly had some advanced acceleration and steering capabilities that were preventing Lucy from escaping. Mick’s ship drew closer and closer. Jacob knew he had to do something.

  “Lucy!” Jacob yelled. “Slam on the brakes. Slam on the brakes!”

  Everyone was thrown forward in their seats as the spaceship abruptly stopped and Mick Cracken’s ship sailed past. It receded into the distance, completely thrown off course.

  “Wow, that actually worked! I can’t believe it!” Jacob said.

  Jacob turned back to slap Dexter high five. He was extremely thankful that they had watched Top Gun a couple of months earlier. He hadn’t known at the time he was learning essential flying strategy.

  “Talk to me, Maverick,” Dexter said. “Bogey at twelve o’clock.”

  Jacob turned back in time to see Mick Cracken’s ship execute an impossibly smooth, impossibly fast 180-degree turn. It came to a stop and paused for a moment, as if basking in the impressiveness of its execution, and then wham, it accelerated straight toward them. Danger was heading their way yet again, and danger happened to be driving a spaceship with state-of-the-art engines.

  “Jake!” Sarah shrieked.

  “Go! Go!” Jacob yelled. “Straight toward him. Try to sail right over.”

  Lucy accelerated and headed right toward Mick Cracken, who was just under ten seconds away in a collision course. Jacob knew it was their last chance to escape, assuming they were not all blown to smithereens in a head-on crash. Dexter covered his eyes. Sarah grabbed the edge of their seat. Officer Erard gripped the banister. Officer Bosendorfer shuddered. Mick’s ship grew larger and larger in the cockpit window.

  At the last possible moment Lucy tipped up and sailed right over Mick Cracken. Jacob looked back and sure enough, Mick Cracken’s ship was headed the wrong way.

  “We did it! We did it!” Jacob said. “Full speed ahead!”

  Everyone lurched forward as Lucy instead came to an abrupt stop.

  Dexter looked up at the window, which was now covered in thick mesh. “Is that rope?”

  Jacob looked back and saw that Cracken had caught them in a massive net. “Oh no! Can we get out of this?”

  Everything was still for a long, tense moment. Then they felt another lurch, and they slowly began moving in the direction of Mick Cracken’s ship.

  “We’re being reeled in!” Sarah shouted.

  Officer Bosendorfer solemnly patted Dexter and Sarah on their backs. “It was nice knowing you children.”

  CHAPTER 11

  Dexter Goldstein stared up at the web of black cable that encircled the cockpit. Lucy had been pulled adjacent to Mick Cracken’s ship, and they were all anxiously waiting to see what horrible fate he would bestow upon them. The cable looked rough and industrial and not at all futuristic, but had proven quite effective in keeping them from escaping.

  “Don’t you guys have tractor beams?” Dexter asked Officer Erard.

  “Tractor who?”

  Jacob returned from the storage room carrying an armful of blasters, launchers, and what appeared to be body armor. He tossed a blaster to Dexter, who looked at it for a moment before he set it down gently on the floor.

  “Nuh-uh,” Dexter said. “No way.”

  “Jake,” Sarah said, “don’t you think we should explore some nonviolent alternatives?”

  “Like what?” Jake asked. “Who knows what this Mick Cracken person is going to do? I’m not going to let us get kidnapped or stolen or tortured. Not without a fight anyway.”

  “He’ll definitely steal us.” Officer Bosendorfer nodded. “I would try to arrest him, but he would probably steal my handcuffs.”

  There was a bang down below in the hold, and they heard the cargo door open and then close. Footsteps echoed across the wood plank floors. The footsteps reached the stairs, at which point the sound of the footsteps moved from the wood plank floors to the metal staircase. The footsteps slowly moved up the metal staircase until everyone in the cockpit saw a black helmet with a reflecting black visor. As the footsteps moved still closer, they saw that the helmet belonged to a small person wearing a black spacesuit, who walked up the remaining steps into the cockpit.

  The small person took off his helmet, and a boy their age, with a mess of black hair, blue eyes, and a pale white face stood before them.

  “Who are you?” Sarah asked, peering behind him to see if Mick Cracken was on his way up the stairs.

  “Who am I?” the boy asked incredulously. Then he threw back his head and laughed loudly. “Oh. You’re joking. That was good, you almost fooled me.”

  Jacob stepped over beside Sarah and cleared his throat. While he didn’t point the blaster he was carrying at anyone in particular, he made sure it had a conspicuous presence in the proceedings. “No really, who are you? Where’s Mick Cracken?”

  Officers Erard and Bosendorfer stepped behind the boy and gestured frantically at Jacob, shaking their heads and mouthing, “No! No!” The boy saw Jacob looking over his shoulder, and he turned around to look at the officers, who abruptly stopped their wild gestures and instead raised their hands in surrender.

  “Mr. Cracken,” Officer Erard said. “Er, shall I say Mr. Cracken sir, uh, esquire . . . your most excellent excellency . . . uh . . . majesty. Officers Erard and Bosendorfer at your service.”

  Sarah Daisy’s mouth dropped open. She looked at the kid again. He was barely taller than her. “This is Mick Cracken?”

  Officer Erard winced. “She didn’t mean that.”

  “This is the most fearsome buccaneer in the galaxy?” she asked.

  Mick Cracken turned and winked at her. “Ah,” he said with evident satisfaction. “So you do kno
w who I am. I thought so. I’m kind of famous, you know. Correction. Not ‘kind of’ famous. Extremely famous. Comes with the territory when you’re as good of a thief as I am.”

  Jacob raised the blaster, and while he stopped short of pointing it directly at Mick, he did point it straight at the cockpit window in what he hoped was a somewhat menacing gesture. “I’m going to have to ask you to step off of this ship,” Jacob said.

  “Young man,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “I would advise against that.”

  Mick Cracken stepped toward Jacob. “And why should I be scared of that?” he asked, pointing at the blaster. “What are you going to do?”

  Jacob knew that when dealing with bullies, the best opening strategy was a show of confidence to try to intimidate them, even if he didn’t really want to fight. Jacob swallowed, mentally crossed his fingers that the cockpit shield was resistant to blasters, and pulled the trigger to fire a warning shot. He heard a pop, and a stream of brightly colored pink and yellow confetti rained down on everyone in the cockpit. “Happeeeee New Year!” the blaster shouted with a tinny voice, followed by sounds of cheering and glasses clinking.

  Officer Bosendorfer glared at Jacob and brushed the confetti off of his uniform. “Young man, this is no time for a party.”

  Mick Cracken smirked and beckoned the group to follow him. “You’re coming with me.”

  Officer Erard’s shoulders slumped. He grabbed his helmet and started walking after Mick.

  “Why should we go with you?” Dexter asked, and then covered his mouth as if he immediately regretted saying anything.

  Mick stepped over and attempted to look Dexter in the eye, but Dexter avoided eye contact and instead pretended there was something across the cockpit that demanded his attention. “Because if you don’t come with me, I’ll blow this ship into a million pieces.”

  “That sounds reasonable,” Dexter said quickly.

  Jacob stepped between Dexter and Mick and tipped up his chin. “Leave him alone. Step back.” Mick stood his ground and Jacob clenched his fists as he considered teaching Mick Cracken an interplanetary lesson. Mick grinned like he was ready for a fight.