Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  Jacob nodded and ran toward Substitute City, but he stopped and turned back. “How am I going to get home?” he asked.

  Miss Banks smiled. “I think you’ll find a way.”

  CHAPTER 34

  When Dexter woke up, his head felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. He thought back to what had happened and remembered seeing his parents in the Looking Glass and the scary scientist and the smell of cough syrup and the memory hit him hard ... Had he been drugged? Was he kidnapped?

  When he finally had the power to open his eyes, he stared upward at a distant black ceiling. He gathered his strength, sat up slowly, and looked around at his surroundings. He was in what looked like a small room with smooth gray walls on three sides, which opened up to a long corridor. The walls didn’t extend to the ceiling, but they were too tall for him to see over.

  “Hello?”

  He didn’t hear a response.

  Dexter stood up and started walking slowly down the hallway. He reached the end, and to the right it opened up to . . . another hallway. He walked down that one until it ended and he had a choice about whether to go left or right. He chose right and walked until he had to turn right again and reached a dead end.

  Dexter felt his chest tighten when he realized what was happening. He was in a maze.

  He remembered the last time he was in a human maze, which was during Jacob Wonderbar’s eighth birthday party. Dexter had felt so nervous about being lost and trapped with no escape that he began envisioning scenarios where he would never find his way out and the staff wouldn’t be able to find him because they too would get lost, and he had eventually concluded that he was going to end up starving to death at a dead end. Dexter grew so panicked that he charged straight through an emergency exit, which set off all sorts of alarms, enraged a pimply teenaged maze staff member, and very quickly ended what he hoped would be his last maze adventure.

  Jacob’s mom had taken pity on him and explained in a very calm and rational fashion that he didn’t have to be scared of mazes because there was a very simple way to escape them that didn’t involve panic attacks and emergency exits.

  Dexter took a deep breath. Now he just needed to remember what that method was.

  Dexter turned back around and reached the previous crossroads. This time he went left. He reached out and touched the wall and suddenly he remembered. All he had to do was keep touching the wall with one hand and he would find a way out. As long as he never let go and kept walking forward and always turned left, he would never double back and waste time. It worked on most mazes and he hoped this was one of them. Dexter began running through the maze with his left hand on the wall. Dead ends didn’t faze him. Neither did crossroads. He kept choosing left, and when he hit a dead end he just kept his hand on the wall and kept right on running.

  Finally he saw something different up ahead. It was huge and sparkly and looked like . . . a really big diamond. It was the Dragon’s Eye, the very thing that had caused them to fight and split up. He realized that Jacob and Sarah must not have been able to steal it after all. Dexter wondered if it could grant wishes and get him out of a maze and back to Planet Earth.

  Dexter stepped forward carefully. He noticed a sign on the front, and walked toward it until he could read it.

  It said: “Do you want to steal this?”

  There were buttons for “yes” and “no.”

  Dexter wondered if it was a trick question, but he had a feeling he needed to answer correctly. He thought about running up and making a wish for a million wishes and then wishing himself back to Earth.

  But he looked again at the sign. It said “steal,” and Dexter wondered if it was a trap all over again. The Dragon’s Eye had separated his friends and distracted them all from finding a way home. They had fought over it, and it was the final straw that separated him from Jacob and Sarah. Trick question or not, Dexter knew exactly how he should answer.

  He punched the “no” button, and suddenly all of the walls of the maze rose up to the sky. He was in a huge laboratory.

  A scientist with a red bow tie came bounding over to shake Dexter’s hand. “Thank you for your participation in our experiment, young man! Splendid! You have no idea how difficult it is to find twelve-year-old Earthers on our planet.” He handed Dexter a piece of paper. “Here is a coupon for a free microscope to compensate you for your time.”

  Dexter stared at the coupon. “I . . . What was this about? Why did you drug me?”

  The scientist was bursting with pride. “We had a trial by scientific method and developed a theory that a twelve-year-old Earther was guilty of the attempted theft of our priceless carbon allotrope in order to start a war. However, we are scientists and mustn’t jump to conclusions until all experiments are independently verified, but we’ve just had the hardest time—”

  “You’re talking about a twelve-year-old who stole a diamond?”

  “Why, yes. In layman’s terms.”

  Dexter knew of only two twelve-year-old Earth humans who could have possibly gotten caught trying to steal the Dragon’s Eye, and Sarah Daisy never got into trouble. “Was it Jacob Wonderbar?! Where is he?”

  The scientist scratched his chin. “No, I seem to recall that this individual was either Mick Cracken disguised as an Earther or a girl disguised as a boy. Possibly both. He was sent to Planet Paisley to be rehabilitated. We can’t very well have suspected carbon allotrope thieves running around our planet, now can we?”

  Someone named a planet after paisley? But Dexter shook the question out of his head. He had more important considerations.

  “Listen,” Dexter said. “I have to get back to Earth. My mother is sick! Please help me!”

  “Oh dear,” the scientist said. “That is quite a complex scenario. If I’m not mistaken, the main route to Earth was blocked recently by a colossal space explosion.”

  “I know it is! I helped cause that mess!”

  The scientist frowned. “Why would you do that?”

  “It was an accident!” Dexter felt like he might cry out of frustration. “Listen to me!” he yelled with as much force as he had ever used in his life.

  The room silenced and everyone looked at Dexter.

  “My parents are worried and my mom is sick. I have to find a way back to Earth. Please help me go home.”

  The scientist glanced at his colleagues and then back to Dexter. “Young man, under the circumstances, I believe there is only one person in the universe who can help you.”

  Dexter felt a glimmer of hope. “Who? Who can help me?”

  “The king.”

  “The king of what?”

  “The king of everything.”

  CHAPTER 35

  When Sarah blasted off from the palace on Planet Royale, she was glad to be leaving. Planet Royale was designed for pure relaxation, and Sarah Daisy now knew she found relaxation terrifically boring.

  “Where shall I set my course, Mistress Daisy?” Praiseworthy asked.

  Sarah wondered how she would find Jacob and Dexter. A few days had gone by and they could be anywhere. The only thing she could think to do was to head back to the place where she had last seen them and start looking for clues.

  “Planet Archimedes,” she said.

  Sarah leaned back in the captain’s chair and settled in for the journey. She could squeeze in a bit more shuteye and chat with Praiseworthy while she was awake to keep herself entertained, and be ready to tackle any obstacle that stood in her way when she finally found Jacob and Dexter.

  Then she heard a familiar voice in the cockpit.

  “Ugh. Praiseworthy, you’ve got to be kidding me. Don’t tell me they only stocked two days worth of chocolate.”

  Sarah felt her stomach drop. Mistress Silver Spoon.

  “Oh dear me, Princess Catalina,” Praiseworthy said. “It’s all my fault. I asked the staff to supply a variety of candy products so that there would be an assortment of anything you could possibly desire on the voyage, but I fear this reduced the
amount of chocolate in proportion to the entire dessert supply. I do hope you can find it within your grace to forgive me.”

  Mistress Silver Spoon plopped herself next to Sarah in the first mate’s chair and kicked up her feet on the console. She was dressed casually in pants and a long T-shirt, although her ears were studded with some of the biggest jeweled earrings Sarah had ever seen. She leaned over and air-kissed a stunned Sarah on both cheeks.

  “Ciao, darling.” Princess Catalina popped a piece of chocolate into her mouth.

  “What are you doing here?!” Sarah shrieked.

  “This is my ship, you know,” she said with a full mouth.

  Sarah clenched her fists. The princess had actually snuck on board?! It was an outrage. She immediately began casting about for ways of getting rid of her, but she couldn’t very well risk going back to Planet Royale to dump Mistress Silver Spoon on her silly throne. Surely the royal fleet wouldn’t have taken kindly to an unauthorized departure, and she might even have to answer to the king. Sarah looked over at the princess and wondered why on Planet Royale she could have possibly wanted to stow away on her trip.

  “Ugh,” Princess Catalina said, rolling her eyes. “Don’t look so surprised, Earth girl. It’s not an attractive look on you. You know, my brother isn’t the only one who likes to have fun around here.”

  Sarah had a sudden fantasy of jettisoning the princess onto a remote planet, but she didn’t suppose Mistress Silver Spoon could be tricked on her own ship.

  Princess Catalina swallowed her chocolate and clapped gleefully. “So! Where are we going?”

  Sarah clenched her jaw and muttered, “Planet Archimedes.”

  “You’re taking me to nerd paradise?!” Princess Catalina slumped her head back and sprawled her arms like she was in agony. “Ugh. I should have known. Are you going to quiz me on word problems along the way? You’ll probably spend the whole time working on your homework. Nightmare city! Couldn’t we at least go to Planet Galleria and shop until we collapse? Oh! Better yet, let’s go to Planet Girlfriend. It’s where all the stylists live, and they’re a little sassy, but we could work on that hair of yours.”

  Sarah felt her cheeks getting hot. “We have to go there to find my friends Jacob and Dexter.”

  Princess Catalina shot up in her seat. “Boys? Really? Are they cute?”

  Sarah had a sudden vision of Jacob Wonderbar falling head over heels for the princess. “No,” she lied. “They’re not cute.”

  Princess Catalina looked Sarah over. “I probably shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?!”

  Princess Catalina smiled and raised her eyebrows up and down quickly. “So what do you say? Are we going to have all kinds of adventures? Are we going to go rescue the boys and make them wait on us hand and foot? What do you say, Earth girl?”

  There was nothing in the universe that Sarah would rather have done less than cavort around with Princess Catalina. It was tremendously taxing on her ability to avoid anger and violence. But when she considered the alternatives, she didn’t see much of a choice. As long as she wanted to keep heading toward Planet Archimedes and hold out hope of finding Jacob and Dexter, she figured she would have to make the best of it.

  “Fine,” Sarah said through her teeth.

  Princess Catalina flashed Sarah a smile that reeked of victory and satisfaction. A Crackenarium family specialty, apparently. Sarah thought she might be sick.

  Praiseworthy whooped with joy. “Giant green gumdrops, I just knew you would be friends!”

  CHAPTER 36

  Jacob crept down an eerily silent street in Substitute City. He had managed to avoid detection, but he knew that gangly substitute teacher evildoers could be lurking around every corner. He wasn’t far from the city’s spaceport, but he wasn’t sure how long he would be able to escape their clutches.

  He was still stunned that he had run into Miss Banks. He had no idea how she would get back to Earth herself now that there was a giant streak across the sky that just happened to be blocking the most expedient route back to their planet. But mostly he was shocked by the discovery that there was a whole universe that teachers had hidden from him and who knows how many other Astrals cavorting around Earth. All those UFO sightings now made a great deal more sense.

  Jacob saw a group of menacing subs crossing the street up ahead. They hadn’t seen him, but just to be safe, he ducked into a store and quickly closed the door.

  He looked around at a dusty room filled with antiques and old school supplies. The wall was covered by old maps that showed what were surely out-of-date countries and borders. He saw a dunce cap, old typewriters, and a paddle.

  A wizened old man sat behind the counter. Jacob froze.

  “Are you a substitute teacher?” Jacob asked, ready to run.

  “Used to be a janitor,” the man said. “Now I’m a collector. This here is a pawnshop slash antique store. I collected from schools on planets all around the galaxy. Most of this stuff people don’t want anymore. I think it’s a crying shame.”

  Jacob relaxed and ran his finger over an old metal desk that opened up with compartments for pencils and rulers. He saw inkwells and fountain pens, old wooden pointers, jars full of marbles, and coffee mugs of every shape, design, and age. He spotted an old movie projector and touched the metal spool.

  “You have old movies?”

  The old man smiled, walked over, and switched it on.

  The sound warbled and the black-and-white picture flickered to life, skipping and scratching. A stern voice warned children about the dangers of communism and the possibility of a nuclear explosion and mushroom clouds. They showed children dropping to the ground and hiding underneath their desks. There was a flash of light, but the kids were safe afterward, and the stern voice talked about freedom and democracy.

  “Wow,” Jacob said. “Would a desk really protect you from a nuclear explosion? That’s kind of amazing.”

  “Nope,” the old man said. “That was a bunch of hooey. Thought you’d enjoy seeing it, though.”

  The old man switched off the projector and Jacob walked over to look at the items in the glass case at the front of the store.

  The old man rifled through some reels. “I think I have one about the origins of Astrals, do you want to watch that?”

  Jacob didn’t even hear him. He was staring at a pipe in the glass case. It was made out of old wood that was polished into a fine shine, and it had a charming, jaunty curve, with a streaked base that swooped up to a small black tip. There was a pewter stripe in the middle that held the pieces together.

  He was sure that he had seen it before.

  “Can I please see that pipe?” he asked quietly.

  The old man wordlessly opened the case, took out the pipe, and placed it gently on the glass in front of Jacob. His hands shook when he carefully picked it up, turned it over, and looked at the base.

  Jacob couldn’t believe it. Of all the things to see in outer space. He just couldn’t make sense of it.

  “It’s my dad’s,” he finally managed to say.

  He showed the man the base of the pewter, where the name Wonderbar was inscribed.

  It was the pipe Jacob’s dad had used when he dressed up as Sherlock Holmes on his birthdays. He used to fill the pipe with bubbles and would adopt a serious expression, asking Jacob ridiculous questions and blowing into the pipe as he waited for Jacob to reply. Jacob could hardly think straight, his dad looked so hilarious, and he could still hear the way he said, “But what do you think it means, Dr. Watson?” in a British accent.

  The pipe had once belonged to his grandfather, an imposing German man who had died before Jacob was born. He put it up to his nose, and it still smelled faintly of bubbles and old tobacco.

  “Where did you get this?” Jacob finally said. “Did it come from Earth?”

  The old man scratched his chin. “No son, it did not come from Earth. Can’t say I remember which planet it came from, tho
ugh. I’ve been to so many. Definitely did not find it on Earth, I can say that.”

  “How many planets are there?” Jacob asked.

  The man chuckled. “More than you can even imagine.”

  Jacob knew how much his dad loved the pipe. He never would have parted with it unless he was either in trouble or ... gone. Jacob swallowed nervously at that thought, which had never occurred to him. But a part of him just knew his dad wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be.

  “Do all the adults on Earth know about space?”

  The man scratched his cheek. “Only the lucky ones.”

  “My dad’s in outer space,” he said quietly.

  Then he turned around and looked at the old man.

  “Can I have this?”

  The old man frowned. “Don’t think I should be handing out pipes to young men.”

  “Please? It’s been in my family for generations. Look at the inscription. My name is Jacob Wonderbar.”

  The old man waved his hand and looked away like he didn’t want to think about it anymore. “Just don’t tell anyone.”

  It explained so much. Maybe his dad hadn’t moved away after all. All these years he could have been bouncing around space, just like Jacob, trying to find his way home. He could have been stopped from returning even if he wanted to come back. He could have been lost in the craziness of outer space. And now with the space kapow, there was no way for him to get to Earth. He would be blocked from returning, just like Jacob.

  Jacob clutched the pipe to his chest and wondered if he could actually find his dad.

  CHAPTER 37

  Sarah had reached a tentative truce with Princess Catalina by the time they arrived at Planet Archimedes. She was surprised that the princess hadn’t insisted on taking command of the ship with that bossy way of hers, and instead she just seemed thrilled to be along for the ride. She asked Sarah all about her life on Earth, and they spent plenty of time discussing the topic of Earth boys.