Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow

by Nathan Bransford

  They even sat down for some incredibly delicious tea in the room where Mick had defaced Princess Catalina’s portrait.

  “Doesn’t that bother you?” Sarah asked.

  Princess Catalina looked up at the portrait and laughed. “What, that? You have to admit it’s kind of funny. Don’t worry your little head, I’ll get him back.”

  Sarah couldn’t imagine what she would have done to her little sister if she had defaced one of her pictures, but it probably would have involved violent actions that would be considered felonies in most states. She marveled at the way Princess Catalina just let it slide off her back like it didn’t mean anything.

  “I have a strange question I’ve been dying to ask,” Sarah said. “Do all animals in outer space talk? I think I heard a mouse try to boss me around and I tried talking to the little pink dolphin ...”

  “Oh, Mortimer. He’s such a cutie-patootie,” she laughed. “No, silly, not all the animals. The scientists just enhanced some of the animals so the cute ones can talk. No one wants to know what a tarantula has to say.”

  “The scientists? The ones from Planet Archimedes?”

  “Duh.”

  “You can’t imagine the agony it causes me to interrupt this bonding session,” Praiseworthy interjected, “but we’ve arrived in the orbit of Planet Archimedes. Do continue your conversation on our arrival, and please know how happy it makes me that you two are such good friends.”

  Sarah looked over quickly at Catalina, expecting her to roll her eyes at the suggestion that they were friends, but instead the princess gave her a sparkling, happy smile. Sarah almost choked on her tea. Did she think they were actually friends?

  “So?” Princess Catalina said. “Where do you suppose we’ll find your friends on Planet Dork?”

  Sarah had an idea. “Praiseworthy, can you run a search for the spaceship Lucy on this planet?”

  “Mistress Daisy, it would give me great pleasure to do so. I was never able to finish telling her about my rocket boosters and would be ever so happy to reacquaint with her.”

  Sarah moved to the cockpit and watched as Praiseworthy swooped down to the planet and landed near a building that looked like a giant mirror.

  They stepped outside and walked over to Lucy. It gave Sarah a thrill to see the old metal pipes and copper plating, and she thought about when she had seen Lucy for the first time in the moonlit forest. It had seemed so incredible then. She had almost gotten used to flying around space. Sarah peeked inside the hold and yelled, “Jake? Dexter?”

  That was when she heard a scream. It was coming from outside.

  Sarah jumped out of Lucy’s hold and looked over at the front of the mirrored building. She saw Dexter, running away as fast as he could and letting out a long, loud yell all the way.

  “Dexter!” Sarah shouted.

  Dexter kept on running until he reached Sarah, and stopped in front of her, panting.

  “It’s ... I’m ... My parents ... King ... Kidnapped ...”

  Sarah stepped over and patted him on the back. “Take your time, Dexter.”

  He leaned over and put his hands on his knees. “Hyp ... hyper . . . hyperventilation.”

  Princess Catalina clapped her hands. “I’m having so much fun!”

  Dexter finally caught his breath, stood up, and said, “It’s my parents, they’re ... We have to ...” He looked at Sarah, confused. “Why are you all dressed up?”

  Sarah looked down at her dress. She had almost forgotten that she was still wearing the black ball gown and the jewelry from the gala that she never attended. Her face turned red. She snapped, “Would you like to try that again, Dexter Goldstein?”

  Dexter sensed that he was suddenly on thin ice and he searched for the right thing to say. “Um ... Where did you get the dress? Is it a designer I should know about or something?”

  “Ugh!” Sarah said. “You are impossible.”

  Princess Catalina stepped around her and offered her hand to Dexter, fingers down, waiting for him to kiss it. Dexter stared at her hand for a moment in confusion and reached out and shook it quickly.

  “I’m Princess Catalina Penelope Cassandra Crackenarium. You can call me Cat.”

  Sarah’s anger reached another decibel. Dexter got to call her “Cat” but she insisted that Sarah call her “Princess Catalina”?

  “I’m Dexter.” Dexter stared at the princess, then at Sarah. “Do I need to bow or something?”

  Catalina laughed and batted her eyes. “Such a funny boy.”

  Dexter looked up quickly. “Wait. If you’re the princess, that means you might know the king! The king of everything!”

  Catalina laughed again. “And he’s smart too. Of course, Dex. The king is my daddy, silly!”

  That was the last straw. Sarah was ready to step in. Calling him “Dex” was just one outrage too many. She was about to speak up, but Dexter grabbed Sarah by the arm as if he had gone mad. “Sarah! The scientists told me that seeing the king is the only way we can get home. He can help us get back to Earth!”

  Sarah turned on Princess Catalina. “Is this true?”

  Princess Catalina rolled her eyes. “Darling, he is the king after all.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

  “Sarah, I saw my parents,” Dexter said. “My mom is in trouble.”

  “Your mom?” Princess Catalina gasped. “What happened?”

  “My mom is sick!” Dexter said. He turned around and pointed at the mirrored building. “They have a mirror where you can see what’s happening to anyone in the universe. I saw my mom. She was in the hospital. They’re so worried, and ...” Dexter trailed off. “I think she might be dying.”

  Sarah was about to say something when Princess Catalina stepped forward and hugged Dexter. Sarah saw that she had tears in her eyes and she held him tightly. “You poor thing,” she said. She rocked Dexter back and forth. “I know just how you feel. My mom had cancer.”

  Sarah stood in anguish, thinking that she should have been the one to hug Dexter first. She did the best thing that she could do, which was to step over and rub his back softly. “I’m so sorry, Dexter.”

  Catalina broke the hug, and Dexter sniffed and said, “Thanks.” He looked at Sarah when he said it.

  “We’ll get home soon,” Sarah said. “We really will. We just have to find Jacob. Is he here? Do you know where he is?”

  Dexter nodded. “The scientists said he’s on something called Planet Paisley.”

  Princess Catalina threw up her hands. “You’re kidding me. Planet Paisley?! You people sure pick the worst planets to have your adventures.”

  CHAPTER 38

  Lucy opted out of the trip to Planet Paisley due to a high likelihood of boredom, and so the children bounded onto Praiseworthy and blasted off. Dexter told Sarah what had happened ever since they’d been separated, from getting jettisoned by Mick to being stuck on a little planet called Numonia, eating space dust to fighting with Jacob, the trip to the edge of the space kapow and back, seeing his parents in a mirror, and somehow ending up drugged and placed in a human maze.

  Sarah could barely pay attention because her heart was racing so quickly. All she could think about was Jacob Wonderbar.

  Mostly she wondered if he hated her. Whenever she thought about the look of betrayal on his face when she escaped the museum with Mick, she wanted to punch a wall out of frustration. She hoped he would understand how sorry she was. She had blown it, and she knew it.

  Sarah was quiet when she arrived at the spaceport with Catalina and Dexter, who were chatting away about space and everything they were seeing along the way. Sarah might have thought that Catalina was doing a good job of distracting Dexter from how scared he was about his mom, but she wasn’t sure that shifty girl ever had good intentions.

  When they arrived on Planet Paisley, they stepped out onto the street and looked at the pedestrians streaming by. Sarah hadn’t ever seen such an intense concentration of questionable fashion choices.

 
; “Who are these people?” Dexter whispered in awe.

  “They’re substitute teachers,” Catalina said quietly. “And we really shouldn’t be here.”

  “Substitute teachers?!” Dexter whispered. “On another planet?” He ran through a mental inventory of his Jacob Wonderbar–inspired antics with subs over the years. “This is not good.”

  They heard a commotion nearby and saw a crowd of substitutes shouting and raising their fists. The children looked at one another and then ran over.

  “Suspend him!” someone shouted.

  “Give him ten demerits!”

  “Take away his extracurricular activities!”

  “Call his parents and suggest he’s not reaching his full potential!”

  Though they weren’t tall enough to see over the shoulders of the subs, Sarah caught a glimpse of Jacob Wonderbar through the shifting commotion. He was in trouble and looked frightened.

  “Jake!” she shrieked.

  The subs turned around and looked at her, and Sarah slowly began backing up as a group of them crept toward her.

  “Do you have a hall pass?” one of the subs asked menacingly.

  “Young lady, we will not stand for this kind of disruption,” another said.

  Sarah raised her hands in innocence. “Now ... Let’s be reasonable! Can’t I just write you a paper on the Berlin Airlift?”

  Jacob watched the events unfold in a daze. His friends had come back for him? Sarah was wearing a dress? He worried suddenly about Dexter, who was probably on a substitute teacher Most Wanted poster somewhere for being his number one accomplice during countless successful pranks.

  That was when Jacob remembered the mortal weakness of every substitute teacher in the universe.

  He pointed at Dexter. “That’s the real Jacob Wonderbar!”

  All of the subs stopped what they were doing and turned toward Dexter. They stared at him in confusion. A look of betrayal passed over Dexter’s face and Jacob knew he was adding to the tally of all the times Jacob had tried to get him into trouble.

  Jacob yelled, “I switched seats with Jacob at the beginning of class and ha-ha, we fooled you all!”

  A young sub looked between Jacob and Dexter. He shook his head. “You’re not fooling us this time.”

  “Take roll,” Jacob said. He mentally crossed his fingers. He needed Dexter to set aside their fight and agree to one last prank. “I said take roll!”

  “Jacob Voonderbar?” an elderly sub asked, looking down at a clipboard.

  The subs looked back and forth between Jacob and Dexter.

  Jacob held his breath.

  “Present!” Dexter shouted.

  The subs gasped. “It’s him!” one of the subs shouted, pointing at Dexter. “It’s Jacob Wonderbar, get him!”

  Dexter turned and ran. All of the subs broke away from Jacob and Sarah and chased after Dexter, but they were nowhere near fast enough.

  Dexter raised a fist as he ran, and was engulfed by a sense of triumph that he hadn’t felt in years. He had helped save Jacob Wonderbar.

  “I pronounce this the Era of Dexter!” he yelled.

  Soon Jacob and Sarah had caught up with Dexter and Catalina. They turned and looked at the subs trying in vain to chase them, and laughed hysterically all the way back to Praiseworthy.

  CHAPTER 39

  A board Praiseworthy, the children caught their breath, red-faced and gasping and laughing about their escape from the subs. As Jacob looked around the room, first at Dexter and Sarah, then at a fancy girl whom he had never seen before, various events began flashing through his mind. His fight with Dexter. Seeing Sarah with the Dragon’s Eye and realizing she left him behind on Numonia. Sarah leaving again with Mick. His mood darkened and he reached down and felt the pipe in his pocket, a reminder of his unfinished business in outer space.

  Before he could start to confront anyone, the fancy girl looked at Jacob, laughed merrily, and said, “Sarah Daisy, you rascal! You didn’t tell me that I was going to meet my future husband on this trip!”

  “Don’t call me Sarah Daisy,” Sarah said, glaring at Catalina. But rather than sounding tough, her voice was tentative. She looked at Jacob out of the corner of her eye.

  The princess turned to Jacob with a winning smile. “I’m Princess Catalina. But you can call me your girlfriend.” Catalina proffered her hand to Jacob, who smiled with embarrassment but kissed it anyway.

  “You’re a princess?” he asked.

  Dexter cleared his throat with what sounded like annoyance and possibly jealousy. “Excuse me, may I have a word? Wonderbar, I don’t know if we’re still friends or what, but we have to get back to Earth as soon as possible.”

  Sarah stepped forward. “He’s right, Jake. We have to—”

  “We’re in danger!” Praiseworthy shouted. “Jumping jellybeans, there is a ship in pursuit and it is very fast!”

  The children scrambled into the cockpit.

  “Where is it?” Dexter asked.

  “There!” Jacob shouted. He spotted the ship on one of the monitors. It was a large spaceship shaped like a giant chalkboard eraser. It was bearing down on them quickly. He peered at the monitor.

  “Monitor four, zoom in!” Jacob ordered.

  The monitor refocused. He saw some determined subs in the cockpit. Jacob grabbed on to the captain’s chair. They weren’t giving up without a fight.

  “Oh dear me,” Praiseworthy said. “You must tell me where I should set my course so I can perform the calculations and engage the rocket boosters!”

  “We’re going to Planet Royale!” Sarah shouted.

  “No we’re not!” Jacob yelled back. “Praiseworthy, if you head in that direction, I’m hitting the override. We’re not going there.”

  “Jake ...” Sarah said.

  Jacob glared at her, and all of the feelings of the past couple of days came rushing back. “You got us into this mess by going along with that stupid pirate.”

  Sarah held up her hands. “I’m sorry, Jake, I—”

  “How could you have done that to me? Do you have any idea how terrible Numonia was? It smelled like burp breath!”

  Dexter nodded. “He’s right about that. It really did smell like burp breath.”

  Jacob stared at Sarah with venom. “You ran off with that idiot pirate instead of taking care of your friends. Do you remember the pact? You’re a liar.”

  “I’m sorry. I really am. You’re right. I was wrong. But we came back for you, Jake! And we have to go to Planet Royale.”

  “Children!” Praiseworthy shouted. “Our enemies are about to—” A huge cloud of dust shot out of the giant eraser. It surrounded the cockpit, and Praiseworthy began coughing. “It’s ... chalk dust ... It’s jamming my systems!”

  “Stop this instant,” a man said over the intercom. “This is the principal speaking. If you turn over Jacob Voonderbar you children may be on your way.”

  “Jake, hurry!” Sarah cried. “We have to go to Planet Royale!”

  Jacob steeled his nerves and remembered his dad. “No. I’m not going back to Earth.”

  “Wonderbar ...” Dexter said.

  “I’m not going!”

  “Why not?” Sarah cried.

  Jacob took out the pipe. “Look at this. I found this in an antique shop on Planet Paisley. It’s my dad’s. It says ‘Wonderbar’ on it. My dad’s out here somewhere in space, and I’m going to find him!”

  Dexter and Sarah looked at each other like Jacob had lost his mind. “A pipe?” Sarah asked. “Jake, there’s no time for this!”

  “I saw Miss Banks!” Jacob said. “She was on Planet Paisley too. She was wearing jeans! If she’s out there, maybe my dad is too.”

  “Miss Banks?” Dexter said. “Really?”

  “Jake,” Sarah said, “you can’t go wandering around the universe because you found a pipe. Or Miss Banks. That’s crazy!”

  “It’s not crazy,” Jacob said.

  “Yes, it is!” Sarah glanced at the monitor, and t
he eraser was growing bigger and bigger.

  Jacob gave her a cold stare. “You probably think I won’t be able to find my dad. You probably think he just left me behind on purpose because I’m such a bad kid.”

  “I don’t think that at all!” A little fire came back into her voice. “Look, I apologized to you, I meant it. You’re not perfect either, you know. Who was the one who broke the universe? Not me!”

  “Children,” Praiseworthy said, “we have less than a minute before your enemies will be in range. We could be captured!”

  The intercom buzzed. “We’d hate to use the ruler,” an elderly woman said. “Just give us Voonderbar and we’ll return to our crossword puzzles.”

  “Come on, Wonderbar!” Dexter pleaded.

  “But I know he’s out there,” Jacob said, a little desperately. “And he’s trying to find me. He’s been trying to find me all this time. He just hasn’t been able to get back home. I know it.”

  “Jake ...” Sarah began.

  “What?” he yelled.

  Sarah took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She wasn’t going to fight. She would be calm and reasonable. Friends told each other the truth even when it was difficult to hear. She said as gently as she could, “Jake, your dad’s not lost in space. He moved to Milwaukee. You know that’s what happened.”

  “But how can you explain this?” He held up the pipe, less certain than before and starting to wonder if he was being ridiculous.

  “A pipe?” Sarah asked.

  Dexter put his hand on Jacob’s shoulder, but he pulled away quickly. “Look. We all feel bad about your dad. We really do. And you might even be right about him looking for you.”

  “I might be right?” Jacob said a little hysterically.

  The children held on to their seats as Praiseworthy began swooping and swerving in evasive maneuvers. “There’s no time for this,” Dexter said.

  “Tell him, Dexter.”

  Jacob paused. “Tell me what?”

  Dexter didn’t say anything. He was still staring at the monitors.

  “Tell me what?!”

  He turned back to Jacob and took a deep breath. “I found out that my mom is in the hospital. It looked really bad. Cat’s dad is the king of everything, and he can help us get home. Think about your mom and how scared she must be. We have to go home, Jacob. Right now.”