Another Breath, Another Sunrise: A Holocaust Novel (Michal's Destiny Book 4)

by Roberta Kagan

  Gilde was depressed. She had lost her drive. She’d lost her love of her work and so she did not return to the theater. And the fickle lover that is the entertainment world quickly forgot her.

  When William had first returned they attempted to make love, but he was unable. After several unsuccessful attempts, William shied away from any physical contact. It embarrassed him that he could not achieve an erection. And Gilde had no idea what to say or do to make it better. So, they didn’t discuss it at all.

  Then one night, after having been gone for two consecutive days, William came home filthy drunk. It was very late. Vicky was sleeping, and Gilde had drifted off on the sofa while reading a book. She awakened to hear William whimpering softly as he sat at the kitchen table alone. From where she lay she could hear him talking to someone, but she heard no other voice. Shaking herself fully awake, she got up and went into the kitchen.

  “William? Are you all right?” she asked. His head was in his hands as he rambled incoherently.

  “I can’t get it out of my mind, the battle. The raid on Dieppe. It was terrible. My friends were dropping all round me. Just like that. One minute they were alive, the next they were dead. It’s very strange how one fights for life. You know what I am trying to say? We were on the beach. I had moments of clarity. My God, Gilde, there was blood, so much blood. But for a second I’d think, well maybe the men who died were better off. Because I knew. I mean I knew I’d be taken prisoner if I lived. But something inside of me wouldn’t let me stop fighting. I kept fighting, Gilde. Praying to live, even when I knew that it would be worse to live than to die. Do you understand?”

  She nodded. But she didn’t completely understand. All she knew was that William was suffering from a terrible internal battle.

  “We were trying to take the beach when we were attacked by the German bombers. My God, Gilde, my God,” he whispered.

  She tried to comfort him by rubbing his shoulders, but he shook her off.

  “Gilde … I must tell you something,” he said. He was weeping now. His face was wet with tears and snot. His entire body was shaking. His hands lay on his lap, trembling as if they had a life of their own. “Gilde … I shot a man, a young chap in my own outfit. A friend of mine. A nice fellow. It was an accident. But I killed him. I got nervous and I shot and killed the poor fellow. ./My bullet hit him right in the chest. I held him while he bled profusely. We were being attacked. He jumped out in front of me. I killed him, Gilde, I killed him. He and his wife had twins, a boy and girl. I’d seen their photographs. You see, things were happening so damn fast. It’s no excuse, but the truth is that I was so scared that I lost control. Then, as he was dying I wept. I knew it was my fault. But I couldn’t stop it, he was going to die. Oh God, Gilde, I never told anybody about it. No one knows it was me that ended his life. But he haunts me every minute of every day. I killed him. If it weren’t for me he would be alive, at home with his wife and children.”

  “You don’t know that for sure. William. You didn’t mean it.”

  “It doesn’t matter if I meant it or not, the end was the same. He’s dead and gone.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she said, taking his cold hand between both of hers.

  “Do you know where hell is?”

  She shook her head, not knowing what to say to him.

  “It’s a POW camp. The Nazi sons of bitches threw me and the others that were still alive from my crew on a train and took us to a POW camp that they called Marlag. The train ride was hot and crowded, but at least every so often they stopped and let us take a piss. I would have tried to escape. I thought about it, in fact I looked for every possible way. But it wasn’t possible. We were well outnumbered and they had their guns pointed right at us, smiling all the while, like they were just hoping one of us would run so they could use the poor bastard as an example of what would happen if we ever tried to get out. Then they threw us in this miserable camp that they built to keep and torture prisoners. But you know how I am. I couldn’t just take it lying down, not me. So I talked to the guy in the bunk above mine. He and I decided to try and devise a way to escape.”

  His hand had tensed around Gilde’s hand. He was squeezing tightly. It felt like her fingers were being crushed., She longed to take her hand away but she didn’t want to stop him from talking. William’s face was blood red, and he was shaking.

  “Escape?” he went on “ Impossible. I mean, I thought of everything. I couldn’t sleep, that’s how fixated I was on finding a way. But, when I say it wasn’t possible, I mean it wasn’t possible. The entire place was surrounded by barbed wire. The prisoners were starving. We were so hungry we were eating rats and bugs. I never knew what hunger was until I got into that hell hole, and during the winter the rooms where they kept us were freezing. My eyes were constantly tearing from the cold and then, would you believe, tiny icicles formed on my eyelashes. It was worse than you can possibly imagine. And they were inhuman. We’d ask them for blankets and they’d just laugh. It was like they had no feelings at all. But, thank God, at least there was a charcoal stove burning in the middle of the room, and all of us guys would sleep in a circle around it on the nights that it was so frigid we couldn’t stop shaking. The damn thing stank and the smoke from it made it hard to breathe. I was coughing up black mucus all night. But we were glad to have it. I think we might have all frozen to death if we didn’t. You know, they knew that they weren’t supposed to torture us according to the Geneva Convention.

  “No they weren’t” She said helplessly

  “ But they did. Boy oh boy did they. A couple of my buddies died from the torture. A few others died from starvation. I ask myself every day why I was spared. I can’t enjoy anything. I feel too guilty for having lived and for what I did … God, Gilde, what I did to that poor guy. I know it was an accident, but it doesn’t matter. The point is he’s dead. He’ll never see his family again … never hold his wife, never see his children get married. Do you understand how that weighs on me? Then when I got back to the London I went right home, looking for my family and for you. “

  “Oh William, I am so sorry” Gilde said. She was crying

  “That’s when I found out that my mother died from a heart attack. I can’t help but ask myself if I might have caused her to get sick because I joined the service. First my dad then my mum. Did my choices in life kill them? Maybe they did,” he said in a hoarse voice, shrugging. But Gilde could see the tears forming in his eyes.

  “No Will. You are not responsible for their deaths. You went to war because you felt you had to. It was noble. You did what you thought was right. The war had to be fought, Hitler had to be defeated or he would have conquered the world, and can you imagine what would have happened then?” She reached up and touched his face. “Will, you followed your heart. You gave your life over to a cause you believed in.”

  “I don’t know, Gilde. I just don’t know. I close my eyes at night and I see the bombs exploding and the bodies flying like rag dolls, lifeless in a macabre ballet in midair in my mind.” He started to weep. “It’s hard to admit this, but I was afraid, Gilde. The truth is I am a coward. I was afraid. I am still afraid.”

  “I can understand your being afraid when you were at war. But why now, Will, what are you afraid of now? The war is over. You’re safe here in London with me. Let’s try to start our lives over. We’re both still young. Please give yourself a chance. Give us a chance.” She took his hand. He allowed her to hold it for a few minutes. “Will you come to bed with me? Will you just lie in my arms and allow me to hold you for a little while?”

  He nodded. “Yes…”

  “Oh Will, maybe we really can start over? Maybe we can find what we had together before you left and begin to rebuild on that foundation. Are you willing to try with me?” she asked, tears clouding her eyes as she remembered their wedding day. They’d had so little time together, before they married, when they were married, and even now. But before William had gone off to war there had been a sweet and innoc
ent love between them. Maybe they could find that feeling again, then perhaps he might return to her as the man he once was? She had made so many mistakes in her life. She had so many regrets. In fact, even when William had first returned, even before she knew how damaged he was, she was thinking about the mistakes she’d made with Alden and how she was sorry for the things she’d done to destroy their beautiful marriage. Then when William had returned, she thought that maybe he would be just what she needed. After all, Alden was gone. And, once she and William had been deeply in love. But William wasn’t the same man. He had come back in body, but his heart and mind were distant and so different than before that she had no idea how to start over with him. Could this conversation be the beginning of a second chance for them as a couple? Gilde whispered a prayer, asking God to lead her to happiness.

  “I hope you can forgive me for everything I did when I thought you were dead?”

  “You mean the affair, the baby, and your second marriage?”

  “Yes, Will, that’s what I mean. I have to know that you forgive me if we are going to try to make it work between us, because I can’t change the past.”

  He squeezed her hand. “I can’t really blame you for anything. You thought I was dead. You were all alone. You did the best you could.”

  Now she couldn’t hold back the tears, and Gilde began to weep. His forgiveness made her feel so sorry for everything that had hurt him and so hopeful for the future.

  “Let me clean up a little.” He smiled. “I hate to admit it but I’m a drunk. I don’t want to come to bed with you like this. I am a stinking mess.”

  She smiled back at him.

  “I’ll pull myself together, then I’ll meet you in the bedroom. What do you say?” he said, touching her cheek.

  Gilde nodded. He looked like the old William. The man she’d fallen in love with. Her heart was beating fast and her face was still wet with tears.

  He reached up and gently wiped a tear from her face with his thumb. William looked into her eyes and smiled. “Gilde, Gilde…” he whispered. Then he got up and went to the back of the apartment and she heard the bathroom door close softly.

  Quickly Gilde rushed to the bedroom to change into a silk negligee that she hoped he would find enticing. It had been months since she’d worn it, actually since Alden had left. She rummaged through all of the things in her drawers until she saw the black silk. When she did, she pulled the gown out and laid it on her bed. It was quite beautiful. The gown had a deep neckline of black lace that showed off her lovely white cleavage. It fit her form perfectly- not too tight or too loose. Carefully she removed her silk stockings. Since she’d begun her work on the stage she’d acquired several pairs. But they were expensive and she always took care not to run them. For a moment she stood holding one of the stockings and remembering how William had given her her very first pair as a gift. How excited she’d been to have such a coveted item. And how pleased he’d been with himself to be able to acquire the stockings and give them to her. She remembered his broad smile, his bright eyes. If by some miracle they could find a way back to that feeling, the feeling they’d shared that day…. Then as Gilde was unbuttoning her blouse, the entire room trembled with the crash of a roaring gunshot.

  “William, no … no…” she fell to her knees. But she already knew it was too late.

  CHAPTER 31

  Not many people attended William’s funeral. After the war and the bombing, there were so few of his old friends left. Only Sharon, and Gilde stood at the grave site. And because so much time had elapsed, and so much had happened since the last time Sharon and Gilde had seen each other, their conversation was strained and awkward. It wasn’t so much the time apart that made them both ill at ease as it was the way that William died. Gilde didn’t want to explain anything about William’s last hours and she was glad Sharon didn’t ask. Vicky refused to stay in her buggy. She wanted Gilde to hold her. All day the child was crabby, crying on and off, as if she had an antenna and was miserable in reaction to what her mother was feeling.

  Sharon walked over to Gilde and awkwardly kissed her cheek. Neither said much.

  It was obvious to Gilde that Sharon felt as uneasy as she did, and Gilde wasn’t surprised when Sharon told her that she had to leave. “I’m sorry, I can’t come by for the shiva. I have to go to work. It’s mandatory, I’m afraid,” Sharon said.

  Gilde doubted that Sharon was telling her the truth. After all, her brother died. If she went to her boss, Gilde was sure Sharon could have gotten the day off. But truth be told, Gilde was glad Sharon was leaving. They said a quick and uncomfortable goodbye at the cemetery. There would be no shiva. Gilde hadn’t followed the Jewish religion for many years. She had not changed her religion, but she didn’t observe Jewish laws. And so, she would have felt like a hypocrite if she had tried to follow Jewish customs. Besides, there was no one to sit shiva with and she didn’t know ten Jewish men who she could ask to have a minyan for her husband. It had been years since she’d been to a synagogue or talked to a rabbi, so she couldn’t ask for help there. Her heart was aching, so instead of going home and covering the mirrors, taking off her shoes, and sitting on a hard box all alone in the house with just her child, Gilde walked along the tree-lined streets looking around and feeling lost. The motion of the buggy put Vicky to sleep, and she was glad for the peace. After an hour of walking, Vicky awoke hungry and still crabby. Gilde took her home. She fed Vicky. Then by some miracle, maybe it was the fresh air, Vicky went down for a nap. Now that she was alone, Gilde had to face the truth. She had to clean up the mess that was all she had left of her husband. Gilde got on her hands and knees, and with wet rags she scrubbed the blood and bits of brain off the bathroom floor and walls. Several times she gagged, and once she vomited. When the room was clean she washed her hands, scouring them until they were raw. Then she sat down on the living room sofa and felt sorry for herself. It seemed as if everything in her life had gone wrong. She couldn’t find her family, in fact wouldn’t even know where to begin, especially since it was almost impossible for her to get to Berlin. Every audition she’d gone on since Alden left had been a failure. Now, William was truly dead. There was no denying it. She’d been hopeful when he’d come back unexpectedly. But the man who returned was not the same William she’d married so long ago, and the man who died in her bathroom was a man she hardly knew. Still, the horror of his suicide had shaken her to the very core, and she wondered if there was anything, anything at all she could have done to prevent it. Then there was Alden. She was hurting inside, but the pain of losing Alden was the greatest pain of all. Dear Alden, her best friend, her one true love and her solid oak tree, the only person she felt she could lean on, was gone. She had a little money saved, but it wouldn’t last long. She had to go back to work. But what could she do? Because she’d fallen pregnant, she’d been unable to finish her nurses training. And now she could no longer afford to pay for a nanny to help with Vicky. Therefore she could not return to her nurses training, because she couldn’t leave her daughter alone while she was working at a hospital. Without the theater, Gilde had absolutely no source of income. She had lost her pension years ago. Once William was presumed dead, the navy had cut off all of her allowance. So, she was going to needed to find a way to earn enough money to survive. Gilde had put away a small savings, but it wouldn’t last forever. And now, she not only had herself to think of, but she had to take care of Vicky. A job, some kind of a job. She was racking her brain. It would probably be good for her to occupy her time. Sitting at home alone with a small child all day without any purpose would surely drive her insane. She knew that if she did that, she would obsess about Alden. So all and all, she needed to figure out what kind of work would allow her to keep Vicky with her.

  Gilde bit her lower lip. The apartment where she lived was large, large enough for her to start a school. An acting, singing, and dancing school for children. She had the background. Even if she had never really made it big on the London stage, she still
had enough of a resume to attract parents with dreams of stardom for their children. And if she worked it all out properly, she could keep Vicky with her while she taught. Perhaps even have someone come in to help with Vicky for an hour or two. It would be much less expensive than a full-time nurse. Gilde shrugged. Why not? It would give her an outlet for the art she loved, an opportunity to help children who loved the theater as much as she did, and with God’s help, if she could get enough students, she would be able to afford to stay in this flat. If not, she’d find something smaller.