Let Me Love You

by Lily Foster

  The look on her face changed. It was as if she thought I was daring her and she was deciding if she was up to the challenge. She moved a little further out so that she was chest-deep. Oh shit, sweet little Rene reached back and undid the ties on her top and then shimmied out of her bottoms. “I don’t think I can reach the shore with these. I have a terrible throwing arm. Here.”

  She tossed me her suit and I rifled them in too. “I’m impressed, Rene. Now you’re getting the full experience as it was meant to be had. You have to admit, it feels better when you’re as the Lord made you, right?”

  She smiled shyly. “Yeah, it does feel pretty great.”

  We were both treading water about four feet away from one other. I was not moving an inch to close the distance, although I was dying to. “So, since we’re letting it all hang out there, tell me about yourself.”

  Rene threw her head back and laughed. “I just want you to know this is the most bizarre ‘getting to know you’ experience I’ve ever had.”

  “It’s my best so far. So, spill.”

  “There’s not much to tell. I was born in New York but basically grew up in New Jersey. I’m an only child.” Then she kind of blurted out, “My parents were never parental or reliable so I guess I’ve gotten used to taking care of myself. That’s about it.” She looked a little shell-shocked momentarily, as if she couldn’t believe she’d just shared that much.

  “That’s about it? No it’s not, Rene. I don’t even know your last name.”

  She smiled. Maybe she was glad I didn’t seem overly surprised by what she had said or she was relieved that I wasn’t following up by asking anything too personal. “Beaumont.”

  “Rene Beaumont. Your parents are French?”

  She smiled but her expression was rueful. “It kind of gives one the false impression of being inherently chic and elegant, n’est pas?”

  “Well they must have some redeeming qualities to have produced you.”

  “Why thank you, Caleb.”

  “What are their names?”

  “Rene and Lisette.”

  “You were named after your father?”

  “Yes and the two bumbling fools used the masculine spelling for Rene, one e instead of two.”

  I laughed. “Did you ever ask them about it?”

  “I asked my father and he never really gave me a straight answer. He said it didn’t matter because I was an American.” She laughed then too but was shaking her head. “For all I know, Caleb, they were both high when they were filling out the paperwork at the hospital. Maybe they thought they were bringing home a son.” I didn’t know what to say in response to that. She filled in the awkward silence. “Maybe that was TMI.”

  I smiled and gently splashed her, wanting to break the tension. “You know, Beaumont, I still owe you.”

  “Owe me?”

  “For telling me about that little shit, Nick. I hate thinking that Darcy didn’t reach out to me herself.”

  “Darcy likes to handle things herself. That’s a good thing.”

  “You must have a mutual admiration society thing going on ‘cause that’s exactly what she says about you.”

  “What?”

  “She admires you, you handle everything on your own, you’re independent, kinda fierce, blah, blah, blah.”

  Rene laughed. “Yeah, well I don’t exactly have a choice.”

  “Everyone needs a little help sometimes, right? Even you?”

  Rene shrugged and deftly took the focus off of her. “I guess. And I did think Darcy needed your help, otherwise I wouldn’t have butted into her business. Nick didn’t make a peep after you paid him a visit. She’s lucky she has you and Luke looking out for her.”

  She ducked under the water for a minute and when she came up I was taken back again by how beautiful she was. I didn’t register what she said at first. “Earth to Caleb. It’s your turn now. You have to tell me something about yourself.”

  “Let’s see. You know the basics from Darcy. Devastatingly handsome, intelligent—”

  She splashed me as she said, “You’re awful.”

  “Ok. I work in the city in commodities, I just bought my first place…I don’t know, Rene, tell me specifically what you want to know about me.”

  “Ok,” she thought for a moment. “What were you like when you were younger?”

  “Um, I was a typical middle child and then went through a really rough patch after my mother died.”

  “How old were you?”

  “Seven when she died. I wanted to fight anyone and everyone from the time I was seven until about fourteen.”

  “That’s hard to imagine.”

  “I wasn’t like that at home, just had a short fuse at school, the park, the baseball field.”

  Her eyes were sympathetic. “You were angry.”

  “Angry, guilty, you name it.”

  “Guilty?”

  I don’t know why I felt like I could say it. I’d never spoken about it to anyone besides Luke and my parents. I laughed but it sounded harsh. “Yeah, I was convinced my mother’s accident was my fault because I acted all disappointed that we didn’t have marshmallows for our hot chocolate that day. I knew that’s what she’d gone out for and then…she never came back.” Maybe that was too much information. She just stared out into the ocean, lost in thought. “Stupid, huh?”

  She was still looking away. “No, Caleb. Not stupid at all.”

  She dove under the water. I don’t think Rene realized she’d flashed me her ass when she made that move. She had a beautiful body. When she surfaced again she looked right at me. “What made you stop? I mean, stop fighting.”

  “I guess I just started to believe what Luke and my parents were telling me. Luke would always say that it could have been him asking Mom for something. Would I have blamed him if the shoe was on the other foot? Never. I guess I just grew up too and saw that all the trouble I was getting into was hurting everyone around me. Being able to slam people while playing rugby helped too…elegant violence.” I dove under then. I was a little shaken up by saying all of that out loud. When I came back up I saw her shiver a little. “You cold, Rene? Let’s get out.”

  She opened her eyes wide, startled. “I’m not just walking out with you, Caleb!”

  “Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Beaumont. I’ll go out first and then I’ll toss you your suit. I hope you can at least catch.” As I made my way out I teased, “I feel your eyes on my bum, Rene. I’m not a piece of meat.”

  “I am not looking, you idiot!”

  I put on my wet shorts and then went to pick up her suit. “Uh, Houston, we have a problem.”

  “Don’t even tell me you can’t find my suit.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I have the bottom. Here, make sure you catch this. I do not see the top, though. Give me a second. Shit, Rene, it must have washed back in.”

  “Oh my Lord.”

  “It’s ok, no big deal. I’ll turn around and I’ll carry you piggy back to the house. No one will see a thing. I won’t see a thing.”

  “What!?”

  “Otherwise I can run up and get you a towel. I’ll be back in less than five minutes.”

  From the sound of her voice I knew the thought of that terrified her. “No! I can’t be out here alone, Caleb. Oh my God. Turn around.”

  I laughed again so she smacked my shoulder hard as she jumped on my back. She was like carrying a feather. “This is so embarrassing!”

  “Maybe for you but I’m kind of enjoying myself.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”

  I was really enjoying myself. The feel of her skin, slick from the ocean, her legs wrapped around my waist, and her bare breasts pressing into my back had me practically busting up through the waistband of my thin basketball shorts. If her gaze drifted down in that general direction, there would be no way to hide it.

  When we got to the backyard I didn’t want to tease her anymore.
I thought she might really be upset. “Wait. I’m gonna put you down here. There’s a towel right behind you. I won’t look, Rene. I actually feel really bad about losing your top. I’m sorry.”

  She breathed into my neck as she said in a low voice, “It’s ok, Caleb, really.”

  She was killing me. “You want to go into the shower house quick and I’ll get you some dry clothes?”

  “Thanks.”

  I ran in, threw on dry shorts, and grabbed her one of my plain black tshirts and a pair of boxers. I liked the idea of her sleeping tonight, her naked skin against my clothes. I handed them to her over the shower house door. “Here, the best I could do.”

  When she walked out she looked uncertain and didn’t meet my gaze. “Hey, you good?”

  She looked up and smiled shyly. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m going to head to bed.”

  “Good night, Rene.”

  “You’re staying out here?”

  “Yeah, I like to sleep in the hammock sometimes. It’s one of those nights.”

  She walked back towards the house and then whispered as she looked over her shoulder and smiled, “Good night, Caleb.”

  Lying in the hammock I stared up at the sky lost in thought, thinking about that girl, all alone, taking care of herself. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her I that I’d take care of her.

  I wanted to take care of her.

  Rene

  I was sitting at the big marble island in the kitchen drinking coffee with Sarah and Darcy when Caleb opened the screen door and walked in with his dog. He was bare-chested and wore his board shorts low on his hips. I could have fallen off my stool at the sight of him. “Good morning, ladies.”

  He was breathtakingly gorgeous. The most attractive guy I’d ever laid eyes on.

  I felt uneasy then. Sometimes the light of day changed things and I didn’t know if the intimacy of the conversation we’d had last night would make him feel odd towards me today. Darcy asked, “Windy down there?”

  “No, it’s beautiful.”

  Darcy gave me a pleading look. “Stay. One more day, Rene, come on.”

  “I wish I could but I have class tomorrow morning and then work. I can’t. Jenna’s driving me back up around noon. That is, if she can peel herself away from Dan.”

  When Sarah and Darcy were occupied making breakfast at the stove, Caleb came up close behind me and whispered my name in my ear. When I looked up he winked at me and then dropped my bikini top into my lap. I know I was grinning from ear to ear.

  Last night was just…indescribable. My heart was practically beating out of my chest as we walked down to the beach. He looked so beautiful in the light of the moon. And how he spoke to me, the tenderness in his voice, was just…I don’t know. I wanted to close the distance between us in the water and will him to wrap his arms around me. I felt overwhelmed with desire for him.

  Part of me thought I was being silly, that someone like him probably laid that act on every girl he was intent on getting into the sack. But my heart told me that he felt at least something for me too. When he touched me and when he looked at me, I saw he was affected. I also couldn’t imagine that he’d speak about himself so openly with just anyone. I knew I couldn’t bear to tell my secrets, no matter how close a person was to me, and what Caleb had shared with me last night was deeply personal.

  I found myself wanting to console the angry, sad little kid that he once was. I knew the feeling. We were the same age, just seven. The circumstances surrounding my mother’s death however, couldn’t have been more different. My mother wasn’t killed while trying to please me by getting something for me from the store—not even close. My mother was killed while trying to score her next hit. She left me with a pathetic excuse for a father who worked sporadically and drank day and night. I guess you could say I was still angry. I was grateful to my aunt and uncle for giving me a roof over my head when I needed it but they weren’t exactly all warm and fuzzy about taking me in. They had four little ones of their own and my uncle’s wife made it crystal clear that she saw me as a burden.

  Sometimes I cry with gratitude thinking about Maureen Parsons, my ninth grade English teacher. I knew that I couldn’t have made it this far without her. She somehow had an instinct about my circumstances and saw potential in me that first week of school. She encouraged me to write and hammered home the idea that with an education, I could truly be anything I chose to be and I could rise to any station in life. She became like a beloved aunt or a surrogate mother to me. When she died my freshman year of college, I was crushed but I knew she’d already given me what I needed to make it on my own.

  If we were out in the ocean for the entire night I still don’t know if I could have shared all of that with Caleb. But, then again, what was it about him? What made me spill as much as I did about my parents to him? I was still just about the opposite of an open book but Caleb made me feel safe. Without even really knowing him, I felt as if I could trust him.

  Chapter Three

  Caleb

  The summer kind of dragged on after that weekend. I went down to surf and hang out with friends but there was no anticipation, no excitement. I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Rene again for a long time unless I reached out to her, and in my heart I knew that really wasn’t a good idea. She was only nineteen. A year younger than Darcy and her other roommates thanks, she explained, to an accelerated program where she crammed three years of middle school into two. She didn’t need me messing with her head. She should be enjoying college and dating guys she went to school with. College was in my rear view mirror. Our lives were different.

  August turned into September. Work got busy, rugby season started back up and my days were pretty full. I made my days full. I worked later than I needed to, was out more nights than was good for me and worked out like I was on a mission.

  I went to the beach one last time in mid-October to close up the house. I spent the day putting away the outdoor furniture, covering the grill and emptying the fridge. It was an Indian summer night, warm with no wind. I walked down to the beach and sat on the shore as Bosco chased the seagulls. I stayed as the sun set and then the moon was dancing on the water. I couldn’t help but think of that night with Rene. I snapped a picture and against my better judgment, I sent it to her.

  A few minutes later she wrote back:

  U going in?

  No. Wouldn’t b half as much fun w/o u here.

  I don’t send smiley faces-I think they r creepy-but want u to know I’m smiling now.

  Rene

  After that night at the beach, the rest of the summer crawled on by at a snail’s pace. I worked my butt off, socking away as much money as I possibly could. Craig was good to me, putting me on as many shifts as possible. I was always tired and always on the go but glad for it. I felt happy about the nice nest egg I’d accumulated and working also served the purpose of occupying my mind. When I wasn’t busy, it was ridiculous how often I found myself replaying that night in the ocean with Caleb over and over again in my head.

  Once school started, besides working, I was back with the girls and parties started up. Ray came sniffing around the first week but I let him know I had no interest in getting back with him. He wasn’t crushed. I noticed he had someone else on his arm within a week and I totally didn’t care. I was so focused now. It was junior year and I needed to kick ass in school to maintain my scholarship. I was also working hard at the station so that I could add to my resume.

  The station manager had given me the opportunity to write copy for the evening news with more frequency and hearing the anchors say the words I had written was a rush. I’d finally moved beyond just fetching for the senior staff. Snagging an internship in New York next summer would be my dream come true. I hadn’t worked out the details, like where I’d live or how I’d make enough for rent and food, but I was pretty resourceful. If the time came, I’d figure it out.

  Caitlin, Jenna, Beth and I were sharing a place for junior year. Since Darcy’s plans wer
e so last minute, they didn’t assign us an extra roommate. From day one, Darcy was sending us pictures and texting us with all her latest adventures. Caitlin was talking about heading over to Spain to see her at some point. Someday I’ll be able to take trips like that without thinking twice, but not now. My life wasn’t like the other girls’. A trip like that would cost me my expenses for entire semester.

  Darcy sounded like the change of scenery was good for her. Nick stopped me once and asked how she was. I think he figured I was the least likely out of the four of us girls to curse him out. I made sure to tell him she was doing great and she was really happy. I was beyond the point of feeling any sympathy for him.

  Not that I was counting but it had been about ten weeks since I’d seen him. I mean, it wasn’t a matter of moving on from Caleb. We didn’t have any sort of relationship. He hadn’t even kissed me. But when Caleb sent me a picture of the ocean one night, I was thrilled.

  He was thinking about me.

  After that night it just started up. We began texting each other a few times a week. He typically initiated and hearing from him always made me fill with a mixture of nerves and excitement. Most of it was funny, teasing, nonsense from him, but as it progressed there were times when it was more personal and more intimate than I’d been with anyone else. He asked me once about my mother and when I texted back that she was deceased, he called me right away and we talked until two that next morning. I really never spoke about my parents with anyone. Exposing myself like that was scary but at the same time, it felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off my chest.

  My whole life had been lived in secret. I spent years pretending to everyone on the outside that everything was fine. I made sure my clothes were clean, that the house looked reasonably tidy and that I had the bare necessities so that I didn’t raise suspicions in school. I was always afraid of being taken away from my father. Not that he was especially caring, it’s just that he was all I knew and I was petrified of losing another parent. Growing up that way, unfortunately, had made me into a very guarded, secretive person who rarely accepted help, even when I desperately needed it.