After Care

by L. B. Dunbar

  “Okay, West said he’s at the Pink Flamingo,” Caleb announced after I paid the bill. “I’m going to meet the guys there.” Caleb hesitated a moment. “If that’s okay with you?” How could I tell a twenty-two-year old no? He was a man, even if he would always be my little boy. As he left the table, Masie stared after him. She wanted to join him, but being eighteen, she wouldn’t be admitted into the bar.

  “So, West, huh?” I started, sipping the last of my wine. Masie’s head spun to me.

  “Mom.” Her voiced whined in that way when she didn’t want to discuss something, or I’d embarrassed her, but the pink flush of her face proved she agreed. She’d noticed him.

  “Well,” I replied, answering in the same elongated sound. He was a nice looking young man of twenty-two, even if he was too old for Masie. I didn’t want her to get hurt. “He’s a little old for you, though.” I spoke softly, knowing I tread in dangerous waters. With daughters, any slip of the tongue could lead to unintentional drowning.

  “Mom,” she pealed again, before her shoulders sunk. “I know. And he’s a rock star, but he seems so different than I thought. I mean, he seems normal, like a guy I might meet at college.” The admission seemed to bother her.

  “You’re going to meet lots of boys in college,” I said, reaching over and rubbing her arm. “You’re too beautiful for your own good,” I added. I was biased, but she was striking, and I was jealous, just a little. I never looked that good when I was her age.

  “I know, it’s just…” Her shoulder shrugged, and I waited. “I don’t think I can talk about this with you.”

  “Oh.” I sat up straighter. “Oh, okay.” Was I hurt? Maybe a little. But did I know what she wanted to say? I think she wanted to tell me a girl could have a little fun.

  “I mean, I know I might never see him again. It’s not like I’d marry him,” she scoffed. “It’s just…he is a rock star.” Her face brightened, and she giggled a little, euphoric at the possibility of hanging out with someone famous. I could only hope it wasn’t more. As if she thought about it a moment, her face fell, and she added, “I mean, he’s more than a rock star, of course. He’s just…a really nice guy.”

  She was the farthest thing from a shallow person, and I smiled to myself.

  “Masie, we’re on vacation. I don’t mind you spending time with him. He seems like a nice guy, but I don’t think you should do anything more. I don’t want to see you set up for heartbreak.”

  Masie nodded agreeing with me. “I know. I get it. I do.” She paused, brushing back her long brunette hair. “But I like him. He’s fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?” She wasn’t looking for me to answer, but I did.

  “Of course not. In fact, I think it’s great that you and Caleb found people your own age to hang with. I didn’t expect you to hang out with your old mom the whole time.”

  Masie sat up, eyes widening. “It’s not that, Mom. You know if you wanted us to spend all our time with you, we would. I mean, this is your vacation.” Panic set in her voice, and I saw the stress covering her face. The purpose of this vacation was to remind all of us to be thankful and celebrate. I wanted my kids to enjoy themselves, to be worry free.

  “It’s our vacation, honey. Just keep things in check,” I said, hoping it would be enough of a hint without spelling out that I didn’t want her sleeping with him.

  Hypo-meet-crite. Guilt washed over me. With each passing moment of the day, I became more and more reflective of what I’d done, and how I’d done it with a virtual stranger. A stranger who still kissed me on the beach like we were celebrating something special. Maybe not a golden anniversary like the older woman mentioned, but something momentous, at least for me.

  “You know, Mom.” She hesitated. “If you met someone, and wanted to spend time with him during this vacation, that would be cool, too.” Her eyes lowered to the table and she stroked the rounded edge, nervousness filling her voice.

  “Oh, honey, I don’t think that will happen for me.” Sadness filled me as I realized I didn’t have plans to see Tommy again. While his attention had been refreshing, revitalizing even, I didn’t expect to spend time with him.

  “I saw the way Tommy looked at you,” Masie said, turning a sheepish smile on me. “I think he might be interested.”

  “Masie,” I laughed, mock-scolding her. “I don’t think so, baby.” I patted her hand.

  “Well, if he did ask you out, I think it would be cool for you to spend time with someone as well.” She lowered her brow and narrowed her eyes at me in a teasing manner. “Just keep things in check.” Her voice deepened as she teased me, and I swallowed. Too late.

  We ended up having a mother-daughter movie night where I let her drink wine in the condo and we laughed at the shenanigans of Bad Moms.

  “Thank goodness, you aren’t like that,” Masie said when the single man stripped the single mother on the kitchen counter. Yes, I thought, thank heavens. Being stripped and taken on the counter would be so…heavenly, but I kept my thoughts to myself.

  Her phone continued to buzz and ping with messages throughout the movie, which she took on the sly, but she didn’t ask to leave and I silently thanked her for giving us this private time together.

  “West says Tommy wants to know if you want to join them.” My heart skipped a beat and I found myself containing the excitement that he wanted to see me. It struck me as ironic that Tommy didn’t even have my phone number after all we’d done. I looked over at Masie, and despite her expectant look, I couldn’t leave her alone.

  “Tell West thank you, but I’m good here with my girl.” Masie smiled, and relief washed over me. I’d made the better—the smarter—decision. She typed, hit send, and set the phone on the cushion once again.

  “You know, I feel kind of sorry for Ivy. She doesn’t have a mother to spend time with. I don’t think she has many girlfriends, either.” Masie said, thoughtful a moment. “Probably because everyone wants to get close to her to be close to the band.”

  “Is that what she said?” I questioned, feeling a pinch of sorrow for Ivy myself. After all Tommy told me, I knew Ivy missed her mother and didn’t have many female influences.

  “She just told me I was lucky I still had you. She also said she was sorry that you had cancer.” She looked up at me. “I didn’t tell her, I swear, but Ivy knew. The headscarves are a giveaway.” Masie wrung her fingers together, twisting them as she spoke. Her phone pinged again but she ignored it.

  “Honey, you don’t have to be ashamed to tell anyone.”

  “I’m not,” she cut me off almost instantly. “It’s just, I hate how people look at you sometimes, and I want them to know you’re okay. You’re still you.” I smiled at my daughter. She was going to be a great nurse one day.

  “Speaking of scarves. I lost mine today. I think it fell off when I was putting on my cover-up.”

  “Yeah, Tommy took it,” Masie said, looking down at her phone again. “He was so pissed off at Gage. I can’t believe Gage wanted you to stay away from Ivy.”

  I sat up a little and twisted toward Masie. “What happened?”

  “I didn’t find you in the room, and I was telling Caleb when Tommy instantly jumped in. Ivy did, too. Tommy turned on Gage, asking him what he said to you, as if he knew something. Ivy started getting upset, and finally Gage admitted he asked you to stay away from her. It was so awkward for Caleb and I. Ivy immediately started apologizing for Gage and trying to assure us she wanted to spend time with us and you. Caleb was still pretty upset, though, and suggested we leave. West tried to convince him we should stay. Finally, West decided he’d leave with us.”

  “Where did the three of you go?”

  Masie laughed. “We went to the shuffle board court and played with an older couple.”

  I couldn’t help myself. I laughed, too. Caleb could befriend anyone. The fact West tried to shield Masie moved him up a bit in my opinion. The fact he played shuffleboard with old people pushed him even higher on my ladder of appro
val.

  + + +

  We didn’t see any of the band members the next day. Caleb explained they had practice and then some excursion on the island. Either way, I found myself poolside, but restless. Thoughts continued to wander to Tommy and what happened between us. I’d been married for twenty years and divorced for nearly three. In that time, I’d had less than a handful of dates and a heaping scoop of cancer. I had no time for relationships or even experimentation. I didn’t know how to date in the modern age, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but some nights were extremely lonely.

  I did own a Mr. Bob, as Tommy referenced, but I didn’t use it often. I always felt weird using it alone, which was exactly its purpose. Unfortunately for me, I wanted actual sex. I wanted a man, and not in a take-care-of-me financial and spiritual kind of way, but more of a physical and emotional sort. I wanted to feel loved, not be told I was when I wasn’t. I wanted to have sex that meant something more than two bodies getting out a release.

  I was pathetic, I decided. It wasn’t going to happen. I’d had random sex with Tommy. How did I feel about that? Overwhelmed. Out of body. Orgasmic. There was no doubt I’d been more aroused than I’d ever been. Just kissing was an experience with him, and when I thought of it my lips tingled. I wanted more. I wanted another round. I wanted him.

  And that was not a good decision.

  That night, I was invited to come to the penthouse suite. Ivy stressed that she wanted Gage to apologize in person. I told her there was no need, that I understood his motives, but she insisted. I was nervous, and I asked my kids to come with me, more as buffers than anything. Caleb said he had people to meet, and Masie said she was going to work on some reading for her winter break homework. As weak as these were for excuses, I had no choice but to go alone.

  The penthouse had a sprawling private balcony, and the band was in a relaxed state of mind, scattered around on outdoor couches and settees. Ava and Emaline were already in bed. Gage lazily strummed a guitar over his legs, despite their earlier band practice. Ivy had greeted me with a warm hug and another round of apologies.

  “He’s just…stupid, sometimes,” she offered weakly as she led me closer to the group. Tommy sat in a chair with his legs sprawled apart, his arm resting over the wicker arm. A beer dangled between two fingers, one of which wore a large silver ring. He didn’t greet me, other than a head nod, like I was someone he recognized but didn’t know.

  “Gage,” Ivy demanded, crossing her arms and staring down at her husband. He propped the guitar next to the couch and stood slowly, wiping his palms on his jeans.

  “I’m sorry, Edie.” Silence followed the statement, and I swore I heard a whale bellow in the distance. It was painfully awkward for both of us.

  “And?” Ivy said icily. Gage swiped his fingers through his dark hair, looking away from me.

  He’s nervous, I thought.

  “I didn’t mean what I said, that you should stay away from Ivy.” The silence again filled with the tick-tock of an unseen clock.

  “Keep going,” Ivy snapped, lowering her crossed arms to two fists at her sides.

  “I’d like you to spend time with Ivy, especially because she doesn’t have many friends.”

  “Gage!” she growled, almost as if she were warning him.

  “What are we?” Petty interjected, sounding hurt. Tommy sat forward to cuff him on the shoulder. “What?” Petty whined.

  “Female friends,” Gage amended in response to his wife.

  “And?” Ivy repeated, her foot tapping. Literally. She tapped her sandal-covered toes like a scolding mother.

  “Jesus, fuck, Ivy,” he hissed, glaring at his wife.

  “Is that couch comfy, Jared?” she questioned the other band member sitting on an outdoor sofa.

  “N—”

  “Don’t answer that,” Gage said, holding up a hand to his friend.

  “You know, this is kind of bullshit,” West said, glaring at Gage before standing from his chair, excusing himself from this painful scene. Ivy’s foot stopped tapping, but her fists clenched harder. Gage and she stared at one another for a few moments before Gage looked away. I couldn’t believe this powerful front man for a successful band was waffling under his wife’s gaze.

  “And I’m an idiot for saying what I said.” He rushed the words out, then sat with a huff, picking up his guitar and placing it back over his knees.

  “Close enough,” Ivy sighed. Then she stepped forward, took the guitar out of his hands and straddled his lap. She kissed him so passionately that I grew wet watching them, and then I looked away, ashamed at staring while they were so intimate, so private, so blissful. I caught Tommy watching me, and I had to look away from him as well.

  “Get a room,” Jared groaned, picking up Gage’s guitar.

  “Get out of mine,” Gage muttered against his wife’s mouth. There was no mistaking the I love yous that followed before Ivy shifted to curl up on her husband’s lap. The love between them was so intense, it vibrated in the air, and while I felt weak at the knees from the display, I wanted to cry as well.

  “Take a seat, Edie,” Jared offered, and I sat opposite him on another couch. Petty was to my left, but suddenly Tommy was trading seats with him. The blond fell into the single chair and tipped his head back to stare at the stars.

  “I need to get laid,” Petty moaned to the dark sky overhead. I giggled at his bluntness, but Tommy sat forward. He prepared to fist Petty’s leg but Petty was too quick, bending one knee toward the other, forcing Tommy to miss his target.

  “Don’t be crass,” Tommy said.

  “Since when did you become so uptight?” Jared asked of Tommy.

  “Since he doesn’t get laid,” Petty sighed, looking back at the band manager with a gleam in his eye.

  “Who has time with you assholes to babysit?” Tommy mocked, taking a long sip of his beer.

  “That’s okay, Tommy. You don’t need to defend yourself. We know you’re A-sexual.”

  “A-sexual?” I snort laughed.

  “Dude,” Gage warned, but Jared explained, “Against sex.”

  “Fu…” the k sound followed without Tommy completing the word.

  “When was the last time you got laid, old man?” Petty teased.

  “None of your damn business,” Tommy grumbled, finishing his beer and then peering into the bottle as if more would magically appear. Ivy stood to my right.

  “Always getting hit on, but never up for the occasion,” Petty mocked, stroking his imaginary appendage above his jeans.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” Tommy said, standing.

  “Dude, shut up,” Gage barked, directing the warning at Petty.

  “What?” the blond mocked, arms raised to protect his head in a fighter’s stance. I hadn’t seen Ivy leave, too enthralled by the playful but telling banter between these men. She returned with an armful of beers.

  “Babe, don’t serve them, especially him.” Gage pointed at Petty, who just laughed and helped himself anyway.

  Something in me sensed the frustration rolling off Tommy. While I thought the words exchanged seemed jovial and carefree, Tommy sat rigid next to me. I don’t know where the boldness came from, but I felt the need to defend him.

  “Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?” I directed to Petty. “I mean, Tommy’s an attractive man. I suppose he could get laid if he wanted to on the regular.”

  Jared’s mouth fell open, repeating, “On the regular,” while Petty’s teasing expression dropped. Silence followed my statement. Then a burst of laughter rushed between the two band members. Even Gage chuckled a little. I looked at Ivy, who had returned to Gage’s lap. She shook her head and smiled, dismissing the guys as acting like boys.

  “Why is that funny?” Suddenly, I wanted to know what I’d said to make them laugh. They continued to chuckle, dropping the tone down a bit at the seriousness of my question. I felt like I was defending mankind instead of a man.

  “I mean…” I swallowed preparing for what I
said next. “He’s sexy.”

  Silence fell again. Birds chirped. The wind blew, and then a slow rumble began. A snicker. A chuckle. A gasp.

  “Tommy?” Jared shrieked.

  “Sexy?” Petty howled in humor.

  “What?” I defended again. All eyes were on me, except Tommy, who sat slightly amused himself at this conversation. His lips curled.

  “You don’t think you’ll get old one day?” I addressed the group, but Tommy’s head swung to face me at that question.

  “Darlin’,” he started, but I continued by placing a hand on his arm.

  “What will you look like?” I said to Petty defensively, growing bolder in my need to prove that Tommy was a sensual man.

  “Portly,” Jared snickered, cutting his gaze to Petty.

  “Will you have sexy silver hair?” I said, eyeing Tommy’s head. “Wrinkles from laughter? Eyes that have seen too much? A heart that stays strong for others?”

  Tommy sat forward at this comment, his elbows coming to his knees as I assessed him.

  “Scruff on your face, if you can grow any,” I teased, as Petty’s blond features didn’t lend to facial hairs. I was hoping to lighten the tension around Tommy. Jared laughed.

  “You don’t think your body will shift? You’d be lucky to have the strength to carry the weight of others.” I squeezed Tommy’s arm and he rolled his head to look at me over his shoulder. His hands tented, fingers linked to support his chin and this accentuated his firm bicep, but I wasn’t talking about his physical appearance despite my description. I was talking about who I sensed Tommy Carrigan was inside. He was strong, and he carried the weight of his band.

  “That’s a chest full of love, giving up everything for others,” I said, scooting closer to him and spreading my palm to rub across his pecs, feeling his heart racing under his white T-shirt. I patted his chest, but my hand slipped downward.