Tortured Beginning

by V. M. Holk

  Once back inside, I walk to the table and unload our goodies. Jaylah is still in the bathroom, so I grab a coke and take it to the bed. I make myself comfortable and find a movie to watch.

  Jaylah walks through dressed in short, cotton shorts and a t-shirt. She looks a little more relaxed, I watch her walk to the table. She grabs a coke, and the bag of m-n-m's. She comes around the bed and climbs in next to me.

  We sit there for awhile, watching the movie, not talking. I notice she steals glances at me, with a worried look on her face. After she does it a couple more times, I turn the TV off.

  I turn to her, "What is on your mind?"

  She sighs, "Are you going to tell me what happened today?"

  "What?"

  "At the accident. You looked like you saw a ghost."

  Damn, I rub my hand over my face, and the run it through my hair. This is a touchy subject for me, I don't really talk about it to anyone. Do I tell her?

  "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I get it."

  I turn to face her, and see the hurt look on her face. "No, that's not it at all. I don't talk about it."

  "That's fine, like I said you don't have to tell me."

  I grab her hands, and pull her so she is looking into my eyes. "I lost my girlfriend, Elizabeth. She was killed in a car accident, five years ago."

  "I'm so sorry."

  I drop her hand and stand up. "She hit a deer and she went through the windshield. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt."

  Jaylah stands up and walks behind me, wrapping her arms around me. "That's awful."

  I start getting angry, knowing that it was my fault. If I wasn't drinking, she wouldn't have been driving and she would still be here with me.

  "It was my fault," I spit out. She lets go and looks at me. "I was drunk and couldn't drive."

  "That's not your fault."

  I ball up my fists and try to control myself. "No, it was my fault. She would still be alive if it wasn't for me," I yell and take a step towards her.

  Jaylah flinches as I step towards her, and it stops me in my tracks. What the fuck? I turn and walk to the window and take a deep breath.

  "I wasn't going to hit you. I've never hit a woman in my life. You want to tell me about it?"

  I knew something was wrong when I saw how Nico reacted to the accident scene. But when he was telling me about Elizabeth, I wasn't prepared for how angry he would get. When he stepped towards me, I naturally flinched. I hate myself for being like that, I feel weak.

  "I'm sorry."

  "No reason to be sorry. Tell me about it."

  "My ex, Ben use to beat me. When we were still a couple, the last time he beat me, he almost killed me. He is in jail now, for violating the restraining order I have on him."

  "Did he hurt you this last time?"

  "Not really, I tripped and hit my head."

  "So he did hurt you."

  I could tell that he was getting more upset, "I'm okay. Trevan was there for me."

  "Who's Trevan? Is he the guy that showed up at your house that morning?"

  I look towards the wall and nod, "Yeah. He was the detective on my case."

  I walk over to the bed and sit back down. Nico, walks to the window and looks out to the water. It's dark out and you can now see the moon's reflection on the water. I watch as he runs his hands through his hair, he turns, looking at me.

  "We are two fucked up people, aren't we?" I ask.

  "Yeah, and we still don't know everything about each other."

  "That is very true."

  "Let's go to bed, I'm exhausted."

  "Me too."

  I watch as Nico, closes the curtains, and make sure that both doors are locked. He turns off the light next to the bed and crawls in bed next to me. I curl up next to him, with my head on my chest. I don't remember much, I fell asleep so fast.

  After breakfast, we decided to go see the Iargo Springs. The waitress told us it was a half hour drive from Tawas, but a must see. It has been getting colder and I didn't pack much so I wanted to stop and get a sweatshirt before we head out.

  "Can we please stop at a store."

  "Sure. What store?"

  "I want a sweatshirt, I didn't pack enough warm clothes."

  He nods, "We can walk and see what these shops have."

  "Okay," I smile at him.

  I walk along the side of him, and I feel a calm come over me. This normal thing, feeling so strange to me. These past few months have been so crazy for me. First with Trevan, who brought me out of, well whatever you want to call what I was in. I miss him, but being with him is too vanilla. I know that sounds crazy, but it might have been too safe for me.

  Now Nico, who has been in my life on and off for over a year. I never wanted to get close to him, but last night changed things for us.

  "Why don't we go in here?"

  I look into the shop, to see that everything is souvenirs for the visitors of Tawas. "I'm sure they have something."

  Nico opens the door for me, and I hear the bell go off, above me. It's a cute store, set up with all kinds of your typical souvenirs. I walk towards the back left corner, that has whole area of clothes. I look through the different style of shirts, and see Nico off looking at different things. He looks over at me and smiles, I smile back.

  I see him in a different light, it's amazing what a day can do. I have always been attracted to him, no mistaking that. But I saw a side of him, that I never cared to see or know. I realize that I can't keep going through life on auto. It may be a long road for me, but I can actually see a glimmer of light.

  I shake myself, not wanting to think about this shit right now. I want to enjoy these few days, no strings attached. I find a hooded sweatshirt, with Tawas on the front. I decide that it will be fine, I find my size and take it to the front.

  "Did you find what you want?"

  "Yeah, this will be fine. Did you find anything you want?"

  "Maybe. But we have time to buy other things."

  I nod, and smile. I walk to the counter and pull out my wallet. The woman smiles kindly at me and rings me up. I hand her my credit card, and sign my receipt.

  "I don't need a bag. Thank you."

  "You two have a wonderful day."

  "Thank you, mam."

  We walk out, I pull off the tabs and throw them out in the garbage can on the street. I pull it on and feel warmer already. I laugh at myself, who am I? I don't do these things, I'm the one usually laughing at couples. I have been numb for so long, but between Nico and Trevan, my life has changed. Damn, I need to stop thinking about Trevan.

  "You still with me?"

  "Sorry, was thinking."

  "You okay?"

  "I'm great, better than I've been in a long time."

  He smiles at me and I wrap my arm through his. He gives me a shocked look, and I chuckle.

  "Where is my Jaylah? And who are you?"

  I smack him on the arm, "Yeah, yeah."

  We both laugh, we get to the bike, put on our helmets and hop on.

  It was a beautiful ride to the springs. We park the bike, at the entrance to the boardwalk. The park has the long boardwalk, that takes you along to see the several springs. We learn that this was a huge lumber community, and this was a large part of the industry.

  "This is beautiful. Wow."

  I smile over at Nico, and he looks far away this time. Man, we are such a sight. We are two broken people that found each other. Maybe this is what we both need.

  "Are you okay?" I ask.

  "Yeah. I'm fine."

  I realize that he doesn't want to talk about it, so I leave him alone.

  We walk along the boardwalk, enjoying the fresh autumn air. Between the changing of the leaves and the springs, I don't think I have seen such a beautiful place.

  I walk along with Jaylah and enjoy the scenery. It's a beautiful place, I was always going to come here with Elizabeth. I haven't thought so much about her in a long time. I was finally get to a better place
.

  The accident we saw, triggered the memory for me. I think being with Jaylah has brought out the memories too. I've wanted to have more with her for awhile and now that we have taken this step, well shit. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

  When she told me about her ex, I wanted to go find the asshole and beat the shit out of him. That brought back memories of my dad, and seeing him beat my mother. I was eight, when my dad beat my mother so bad, he killed her.

  She would always hid me in the closet, so I didn't have to see what happened. She knew it would be bad, every time he came home drunk. I would curl up in the corner and cover my ears. I would pretend I was somewhere else, and make up that we were a normal, happy family.

  I heard my mother scream that night, then silence. I was so afraid to the closet. That was where the police found me. The neighbor had called the police, when she heard my mother scream. My father was passed out on the couch with a whiskey bottle in his hand. Thankfully, Mrs. Johnson told the police about me, or they may have not found me.

  That's when I went to live with my grandparents. They were my mother's parents, but they never got over losing their only child. There were times when my grandma would look at me and burst out crying. I think they saw my mother in me, and they didn't know what to do with me.

  When I was a teenager, I stayed away as much as possible. I was trying to make things easier on them. My grandma died when I was sixteen, and my grandfather died three months later. Instead of going into the system, I ran.

  I got into trouble, living on the streets. Stealing to get money, so I could eat. One day while I was shop lifting, I met Randy. He was in the corner watching me and followed me outside. He grabbed my arm, and I thought I was toast.

  He introduced myself, and offered me a job. He owned a tattoo shop, and he taught me everything I know. I thank god, that he saw something in me and saved me.

  I look up to see Jaylah standing at the rail of the boardwalk, looking at the small waterfall. Maybe it's the same for us, we need each other to heal. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her middle. She leans back into me and we stand and admire the view.

  After walking around for awhile, we decide to leave and head back to town. There is a nice downtown area, with all kind of shops. If we buy anything, we can always ship it home. Once back on the bike, I feel better. I love my bike, it's such a freeing feeling being on it. I always get depressed in the winter, when I can't ride it.

  The short ride, is enough to clear my thoughts. I want us to enjoy our days, without the past hanging over our heads. I park down the street from where we ate breakfast. We strap our helmets to the seats and start walking along, looking at the shops.

  As we walk along the street, I can tell that he has snapped out of whatever was bothering him. I gave him his space at the boardwalk, not wanting to intrude on his thoughts. When he wrapped his arms around me, I knew he was better.

  I see an antique shop, and pull him into it with me. As soon as we walk in, I look around in awe. I love old things, I fell drawn to them. As I feel the furniture and look at all the history in one place. I always wonder what their stories are, where they have been.

  "You look like a kid in a candy store."

  "I love this stuff, can you imagine the history in this stuff?"

  "I never thought of it like that."

  I watch him looking at the liquor section. It has items from, shot glasses, martini mixers and nice drinking glasses. I walk off towards a section in the back. I look around and find a little table, that I fall in love with it. It's not the the most ornate piece, but something about it, I want it.

  It's the size of an end table, it was painted white, but has the worn look. It has a small drawer and under that a shelf. I open the drawer and a see a black and white photo. I see this table in a little girls room. No person in the picture, I turn it over and see writing on it. Made for me by daddy.

  It brings tears to my eyes. And I know I have to have it. A woman walks up to me, and I look up at her.

  "It's a nice piece."

  "Yeah. I love it. Do you know the person that use to own it?"

  "She died last year. I left the picture with it, I couldn't bare to not have it in there."

  I nod, "Can you ship this for me?"

  "Of course," she smiles at me.

  Nico walk over and looks at the table, "You getting this?"

  "Yes. But I want to look around some more."

  "I'll put it by the counter for you. Let me know if you need anything."

  We walk around some, more and I find a few small things, I want to buy as well. Nico finds a couple of things he wants as well.

  We are at the counter, paying for our purchases.

  "The shipping will be cheaper if we send it all to one place. Is that okay?" the woman asks.

  I look over to Nico, and he nods. "That will be fine, thank you."

  I smile to myself, to know that he isn't running away from, or me from him. I think of Trevan, and turn away from Nico. Both men, bring me something that I need. I don't know if I can ever move on, but I need to figure out what I do want. How I ended things with Trevan, he wouldn't want me anymore. I'm surprised all the shit I've Nico through, that he is here with me. I shake myself from my thoughts, and walk back to Nico.

  We are walking out, I hear my stomach growl.

  "Well, I better feed you."

  "Yes, you better." I smile up at him.

  "We can walk to the same restaurant, or we can ride around and see what we find. It's up to you."

  "Let's walk to the same restaurant. I'm too hungry to wait."

  As we are walking, Nico grabs my hand. My first thought was to pull away, but I don't. We walked the short distance, enjoying each others company. We get to the restaurant and Nico opens the door for me.

  As soon as we walk in, the smells of food make my stomach growl, again. Nico puts his hand on my lower back and we take a seat in a booth by the window. The waitress follows us over and sets down two menu's for us.

  Once the waitress takes our order, I fidget with my silverware. I'm not use to having this anymore. Most of the times Trevan and I went out, was with friends. When we were alone it was at my house or his. I haven't done this since, Ben. I really don't want to start thinking of him.

  "Penny for your thoughts."

  I look up, "What? It's nothing."

  "Come on. You are definitely thinking of something."

  I sigh, "I don't know how to act. I haven't done this for a long time." I move my hand between us. He smiles back at me, and chuckles. "What?"

  "I haven't done this either, since Elizabeth. We can figure it out together."

  I nod. The waitress brings our drinks and soup. We start eating and I feel relaxed, for the first time. Well the first time, in a very long time. We talk about our plans for tomorrow, and it's a nice meal.

  I wake up, to see Nico sleeping next to me. I smile, remembering our night. That was a nice change for me, we usually do it fast and hard. This time we got to know each other, feel each other.

  I put my fingertip to his forehead, and brush the hair from his eyes. I see a smile creep over his face. I smile back at him, when his eyes slowly open.

  "Mmmmm. What a beautiful sight to wake up to."

  I laugh at him and start to get out of bed. He grabs me around the waist, back down to him.

  "Where are you going?"

  "I was going to brush my teeth and make coffee."

  He kisses me gently on the lips, "Fine. But only because, I need coffee."

  I smack him gently on the arm and get up. Once in the bathroom, I lean on the counter and take a few deep breaths. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don't hate what I see.

  I finish up in the bathroom, and make the coffee. I walk out to see Nico sitting on the small patio. I change into warmer clothes, and wait for the coffee to finish.

  Once the coffee is done, I make each of us a cup. I open the door and step out, handing one to Nico. He
smiles up at me, and I sit on his knee. He wraps his one arm around my waist and I nestle back onto him. We sit drinking our coffee and looking out at the water.

  I wish this time could stand still. To be here with him, at this place. It's almost to perfect, and I don't do perfect. I chuckle to myself, and smile.

  "What?"

  "I was just thinking." I look down at him and smile, "This is too perfect."

  He laughs at me, sliding his hand up my back. He grabs me around the neck pulling down to him. We kiss gently on the lips, and I wrap my arm around his neck. I put my fingers in his hair and play with it. I look back out at the water, still playing with his hair.

  "I know what you mean, it is too perfect."

  "It's not as bad as I thought it would be."

  "Yeah. I can see why people do it."

  We look into each others eyes and start laughing. It's a full on laughing, it feels good. I haven't laughed like that in awhile.

  I stand up and look back at him, "Let's go get some breakfast."

  He nods, as he gets up. As we step back into our room, Nico smacks me on the ass. I smile to myself and keep walking. We get grab our things, lock up and leave.

  After we eat, we decide to go see the Lighthouse. Later we are going to the local festival. I haven't done so much sightseeing, or just enjoying myself in a long time.

  The lighthouse tour wasn't a long one, only a half hour. We walk around the beach, finding a spot to sit. We sit side by side, looking out at the water. This really is a beautiful place to live. I envy the people that get to wake up to this every morning.

  "How nice would it be to look at this everyday?" I look over at Nico.

  "You aren't kidding, it would be great."

  "I'm not looking forward to going back. I wish we could stay."