Tortured Beginning

by V. M. Holk

"It would be nice, but you have a business, family and friends. They would miss you."

  "I don't know. Sometimes, I think they wouldn't care." I look over to see him giving me a questioning look. "I know they all love me, but they are busy in their own lives."

  "You know, you could have a life of your own. Don't push people away."

  I shake my head, "It's not that easy."

  "Believe me I know. I probably know better than most people. But we can try can't we?"

  I sigh, "Yeah, I guess we could."

  "You have to try. I know something was going on with you and that Trevan, guy. But you ran from him. You ran from me before, too. I'm willing to try, if you are."

  I look out at the water, thinking about what he is saying. Do I finally break down a piece of the wall and let him in. I miss Trevan, but I don't want him to always see me as the girl in the hospital. I had a hard time letting him in.

  I look over to Nico, and really look at him. I can see the same pain in his eyes, that I see in the mirror everyday. I turn to him, putting my hands on his cheeks. I gently kiss him on the lips.

  "I'm willing to try."

  He smiles back at me and grabs my hands, holding on to them. He rubs his thumbs gently across the tops of them. The motion is very soothing. We keep staring into each others eyes, not sure what to do.

  I look down at our hands, and I feel a tear fall down my cheek. I never thought I could have this with someone.

  He pulls my chin up with his finger and thumb. He wipes the tears from my face and pulls me to him. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly. I feel like I haven't hugged someone like this, ever. Maybe I haven't. I'm not doing it out of fear, I just want to feel him against me.

  I sit on my patio, enjoying my coffee and a cigarette. Nico and I had such a wonderful time up north, in Tawas. I didn't want to come home. Things changed between us, it's a weird feeling. We have seen a lot of each other over the past few weeks.

  I haven't heard from Trevan at all, I guess I can't blame him. For him to see me with Nico, couldn't have been an easy thing. But then me seeing his ex, that wasn't easy either.

  I feel close to Nico, closer than I have ever been with anyone. We are both broken and we can handle that. Trevan wanted to fix me. I don't want to be looked at with pity, I can do that for myself.

  I hear the sliding door open and look up to see Lynette walking out.

  "Don't look so shocked. Nico let me in."

  She sits in the chair next to me and stares at me.

  "What?"

  "Where do I start?"

  I shake my head, "Do you want a coffee, first? I need a refill on mine."

  "Sure."

  I walk in the house to find Nico in the kitchen. I go to the cupboard and pull another mug down. I fill both mugs up and pour in the creamer. I don't look over at him, a little pissed that he let Lynette in and didn't warn me first.

  "Hey. Look I opened the door and she pushed her way in."

  I look over and he has his hand up defensively. If he wasn't standing there shirtless looking all sexy, I might be really mad. But visions of what we did last night, flashes through my head. I walk over and kiss him hard on the lips.

  "You are lucky you are so damn sexy. Or I might be really fucking mad at you." I smile at him.

  I turn around, grab the two cups of coffee and head back outside. I step out and Nico closes the door behind me.

  "Here you go." I hand her the mug and I sit back down. I light a cigarette and take a hit. "So, what do I owe for this visit."

  "I miss you. I hardly see you anymore. When you were with Trevan, you still hung out with us."

  So there it is, I think they all think I should be with Trevan. I thought that was what I wanted, I still have feelings for him. I take a sip of coffee, take a long drag of my smoke, trying to calm myself.

  "Well, can't you be happy for me. I like being with Nico."

  "I am happy for you, but don't forget about everybody else."

  "It's only been a few weeks. Give me a break," I try not to yell at her. I can feel my temper rising.

  "Look, I didn't come to fight. But come see me sometime, or fucking call me. Don't forget you have friends."

  I can tell she is upset and I don't know what to say to her. "Okay."

  "I want you to be happy, we all do."

  I nod, not sure what else to say to all of this. Is it so awful that I want to have some time to myself. But how do you tell your friends that without hurting their feelings. They had their time, when they got married and had their kids. I wasn't the nagging friend, why can't I have the same.

  We sit for awhile, talking small talk. She tells me about her kids and we talk about the shop. She doesn't ask me about Nico, or Trevan. I don't want to have that conversation with her anyway.

  I walk her out, reassuring her that we would go out soon. I look around the living room and don't see Nico anywhere. He must be upstairs, I run up the stairs to find him. He is laying in bed and flipping through the channels.

  I crawl into bed, he lifts his arm pulling me to him. I think how strange this all is.

  Jaylah crawls into to bed next to me. I stroke her back, and fell her body relax. I look down after a few minutes and see that she has fallen asleep. I hug her to me and can't believe we have made it to this point in our relationship.

  If you would of said something to me a year ago, I wouldn't have believed it. I never thought Jaylah would be able to take this step, let alone me. I've wanted to, I have been drawn to her since the first moment I saw her.

  These past few weeks have been great. But when I opened the door to see Lynette, the look on her face said volumes. We had always been friends, but it didn't look like she liked me all that much. I heard a little of what was said outside, and I decided to leave it to them.

  I can't help what Jaylah does, she is a grown woman and makes her own decisions. I don't want her to forget about her friends and family. Maybe I have been taking to much of her time. Hell, I don't know what we are doing. But I do know that, I don't want to lose her.

  We have a gig tonight, and I'm glad that Jaylah is coming with her friends. She invited them to come out and watch me play. I hope she has a good time, she needs to do this with them. I sit in the back and bullshit with my bandmates.

  I have always loved playing with these guys. We started out playing in the garage, and we finally started getting some gigs. We can usually get one a weekend, in the summer more. But with Thanksgiving coming up, we will slow down.

  I don't mind, not now. I never thought I would feel that way about playing. I will always play, but I don't know if I want to keep doing this every weekend. I shake myself from my thoughts, it's time for us to go on stage.

  I watch as Nico comes out, onto the stage. I zone out from everyone around me, and I only have eyes for him. Our eyes lock and a smile comes across his face. I have always loved to watch him up there, from the first time I saw him.

  Lynette is sitting to the right of me and Anne is on my left. I know they probably wanted to go somewhere else, but they didn't fight me on coming here. I guess it was better than me not going at all.

  Nico keeps bringing his gaze back to me and I love that connection with him. Lynette elbows me in the side and I look over at her.

  She screams for me to hear, "Let's do some shots."

  I nod my head in agreement, needing some liquor tonight. I haven't been drinking much lately, which is fine. But I feel like letting lose tonight. I look over to Anne and she nods her approval.

  Lynette gets up to go to the bar and grab a couple of rounds of shots. I take a long drink of my beer, waiting for her to get back. I'm still watching Nico during all of this.

  We do the first round with gusto, and then the next. I feel the warmth of it go down to my belly. I get a little fuzzy from the effects, and love the feeling of it. I finish up the beer and there is already one waiting for me. I never seem to be without a drink.

  I haven't drank this much,
in I can't remember when. I don't usually let myself get this drunk. I know we have been drinking for a bit. Nico came and joined us with some of his band mates for a bit. Then they went back up to do another set.

  I get up to go to the bathroom, there is a line to get in. I wait there, hoping it moves fast. It's finally my turn, I get in and out, not wanting to be stuck in that small space. When I step out, I walk over to the bar to order another beer.

  I turn to head back to our table, when I look up into Trevan's eyes. He is standing right in front of me and I take a step back. He looks sexy as hell, like he always did. I smile at him and he stands there staring at me.

  "Hey you." I say, taking a step towards him again.

  "Hi, Jay." He looks like he wants to say more, but stops himself.

  I know, I'm drunk and that is not always a good thing. I put my hand on his arm, and rub it up to his shoulder. He grabs it and pulls it away. He looks beyond me, and then I feel an arm wrap around me. I look up to see Nico.

  "Hi. I'm Nico," he says and stretches his hand out to Trevan.

  Trevan looks down at his hand, takes a moment then shakes it.

  "Yeah, I'm Trevan. Well it was nice to meet you, and it was nice to see you, Jay."

  I watch as he turns away from me and walks over to a table. I see Jason sitting there, and he looks around Trevan at me. He smiles at me and hits Trevan on his back. Nico pulls me back to our table and I feel, sobered and I don't like it.

  We sit at the table and I grab one of the shots sitting in the middle of the table. I want to forget the feeling I had when I touched Trevan. Why did I have to run into him? I look over at Nico and he is watching me. I smile at him and move closer to him. He smiles back, but I see something in his eyes.

  I wake up to a bounding head. I lift my head from the pillow and feel sick to my stomach. I run to the bathroom and empty it. When I am finally done, I get into the shower and hope it makes me feel better. I stay in there longer than normal, the water feeling good.

  Once I get out, my stomach churns again. I hurry to the toilet, to throw up again. I wash my face and walk back into my room. I realize that I'm alone, I walk to the window and look down to my driveway. I only see my car sitting in there.

  I try to remember what happened last night. It takes me a minute to remember that Trevan was there last night. Nico must have been more upset than I realized at first. I'm left with an empty feeling.

  I walk downstairs and straight to the kitchen. I mindlessly make coffee, I walk to the window and open it. I light a cigarette, and inhale deeply. It helps a little, but my stomach churns again and I put it out.

  I sit at the kitchen table, looking out the window, waiting for my coffee. I think about last night and seeing Trevan. I know I was drunk, but I will never forget the look in his eyes. Such hurt and anger. Those eyes that use to look at me with such adoration, it hurt to see them look at me like that. Then Nico, I know he was angry at me. He saw the way I touched Trevan and looked at him. What have I done? I put my head in my hands, and start to cry.

  I haven't heard from Nico in a couple of days. I messed up at the bar, I know that. I'm damaged, I don't know how to be what he wants me to be. I'm not sure he knows what he wants, anyway. We are both damaged from our past, and how do we move forward.

  I decide to text him, before I go to work. He's probably sleeping, but he will see it when he wakes up.

  Jaylah 5:15am

  Hey, babe. Let's get together

  I finish getting ready, I run downstairs. As I throw my jacket on, I grab my purse and step outside. I lock the door behind me, and get in the car. As I'm about to pull out of the driveway, I hear my phone ding. I grab it and look to see my message.

  Nico 5:25am

  Can't

  That's it. "What the fuck," I say as I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand. I throw my phone in the passenger seat, pissed. This is what I get, why do I open myself up. I turn the radio up, to drown out my own thoughts.

  I pull into the parking lot and park in my usual spot. I'm the first one here, and I'm thankful for it. I unlock the door and walk straight for the office. I dig my ipod out of my purse and bring it into the back with me.

  We have a speaker to put our ipods in. I put one of my favorite playlists on, and turn it up. I hear Anne behind me, as I'm pulling product out of the cooler.

  "Good Morning."

  "Morning," I reply.

  I walk out in time to listen to 2Cellos, Thunderstruck. It carries me away with the song, and I get lost in my work. Anne starts in, only glancing at me a few times. She knows I'm upset, but leaves me be, for now.

  The day goes by faster than I thought it would. We were pretty busy, especially now that it's fall. People like to come in for coffee to warm up. I don't remember most of the day, being in a haze.

  So when I see Kayla walking in, I check the clock and am surprised it's time to leave, soon. I go in the back to clean up, and escape the eyes of Anne. I can tell she is dying to talk to me.

  I say my good-bye's to everyone, and hurry to leave. I get in my car, I decide not to go straight home. I drive to Kroger's to get some groceries, and maybe some wine. I pull into a parking spot and mindlessly grab a small cart and walk into the store.

  Walking into the store, straight into the produce department. I grab myself a variety of fresh fruit, and stuff for my salads. I stop at the deli counter and look over the case. The woman behind the counter comes up to help me. I decide on some dill potato salad, spinach dip and lunch meats.

  I stand there watching her get my order together, not looking around. I feel an arm on the small of my back, I turn quickly and look up to see Trevan. I roll my eyes and turn my attention to the woman doing my order.

  "Well hello, to you too."

  "Hi," I reply, looking at him with a side glance.

  "How are you doing?"

  "Fine."

  I don't want to be standing here talking to Trevan, right now. Why did I have to come in here, I should of went home.

  I saw Jaylah, as soon as I walked into the store. I was going to go the other way, and avoid her all together. But I stood and watched her for a bit, and something is wrong. I shake my head at myself, you need to leave her alone.

  I put my hand on her back, I couldn't help myself. I want to touch her. She rolls her eyes at me, when she sees that it's me. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. I wish I never let Tami into my house, things would be different now.

  I try to get her to talk to me, and she is trying to avoid me. She spits "fine" at me like venom. It hurts to see her like this towards me.

  "Well, I'm not expert, but you are not fine."

  "What would you know," she replies, not looking at me. She grabs part of her order and smiles at the woman.

  "I know a little about you, and I can tell you are not okay. Hey, look at me."

  She doesn't turn, but stares straight ahead. I grab her gently and pull her to face me. She looks into my eyes and I see tears. I put my hands on her face, and gently rub the tears away with my thumbs. She grabs my hands and pulls them away.

  "Please don't," she whispers, and turns away.

  "Sorry. I hate to see you like this. If you need to talk, I'm here for you."

  She nods. I touch her hand gently and squeeze. She squeezes it back, but then let's go. I look at her one more time and walk away. It's hard to walk away from her, I want to wrap her in my arms.

  Between today and at the bar, I can tell she isn't going to be easy to shake. I was doing better, until that night. All my feelings for her came flooding back to me.

  I watch Trevan walk away from me. Why does he have to be such a great guy. I've messed up his life, too. What is wrong with me? I can't seem to do anything right, when it comes to relationships.

  I grab the rest of my groceries and hurry to get out of the store. I want to go home, and be alone. I get to my car and load my groceries in the trunk. I hurry to get in the car, so I don't run into anyone else that
I know.

  I drive the short distance home, pull into the driveway and turn the car off. I open the house dropping my purse on the floor. I get all my bags out of the trunk and get them into the kitchen.

  I put all my stuff away, when I hear the doorbell. I sigh, hoping it's not Trevan. I don't think I can handle seeing him again today. I walk to the door and open it.

  "Let us in. Don't roll your eyes, at me woman," Anne says to me, with Lynette shaking her head in agreement next to her.

  "Fine."

  Well so much for my quiet night at home, wallowing. They follow me into the kitchen and I grab a bottle of wine. I grab three wine glasses. I fill them up, with my favorite wine, St. Julian's Niagara.

  I take a big sip of it and savor the flavor. I swear that when you drink it, it takes like a fresh picked grape, right from the vine. We all sit at the kitchen table, I open the window next to me. I light a cigarette and take a long drag from it, blowing it out the window.

  "So are you going to tell me why you guys are here?"

  "What? We wanted to visit," Anne replies.

  "Bullshit!" I say rather loudly, pointing at each of them.

  "Look, don't be a bitch. We are worried about you. What the fuck is going on with you?" Lynette says.

  "I'll be fine. Damn men, that's all."

  "I hear you there," Anne says, as she picks up her glass.

  Lynette looks between Anne and me, shaking her head. "I hope you have more wine, Jay. I have a feeling we will be here for awhile. You two better start talking."

  Ben

  I sit at the table waiting for Susie. I've been on my best behavior here, so I should be getting out soon. As I sit here, I'm getting irritated about waiting. I look around to see her walking through the door.

  "Well it's about fucking time."

  "I'm sorry Ben. I couldn't get out of work."

  "I don't have all day to fucking wait for you."