Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel

by Julia Goda

  “It’s all right, Frank,” he assured him as he took the last sip and placed the empty bottle on the railing.

  He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but nobody spoke as Jason leaned his elbows on the railing and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t know how long exactly he stayed like that. It seemed like a long time even though it could only have been a few minutes before he lifted his head again and broke the silence. Without turning around, he made his request.

  “Right here, right now I need you to tell me exactly what happened the day my son died. I need to know so I can process it and be there for Loreley. I won’t ask her to tell me. It’s too painful for her. I refuse to make her go through that.” He knew what he was asking. Just the thought of hearing about the accident and the suffering and heartache that followed made pain slice through his body and his gut clench, but he had no choice. He had to know not only for himself but for the two of them as a couple. He needed to understand what Loreley had been through if he had any hope of helping her through it, of helping her heal to a point where she wouldn’t break out in a sweat and start shaking uncontrollably whenever she thought about that day.

  Another minute went by without anyone speaking. Jason turned around and took in the men that would soon be his family. Roy and Pete looked at him with immeasurable sadness in their eyes. Cal was staring at the ground, his jaw clenched and his eyes wild with emotion. He was the first to talk.

  “It was bad, Jason. Seeing her like that….” he shook his head. “It was bad.” Jason could hear the desolation in Cal’s voice. Cal was a man’s man through and through: strong, protective, respected. Watching the person he considered his sister suffer had broken his heart. Jason closed his eyes and hung his head.

  “What happened?” He asked.

  “She had to borrow my truck that day.” It was Roy who spoke this time. “And thank God she did because if she hadn’t, we would have lost her, too.” His voice broke on the last word. Jason looked at Loreley’s father and saw grief and loss written all over his face. Loreley wasn’t the only one who hadn’t completely healed, if that was even possible. Each one of these men was still suffering and probably would be for the rest of their lives. Jason felt like a jackass asking them to share, but Loreley was his priority, so he couldn’t let that penetrate.

  Pete was the one who gave it to him, all of it, in its raw and suffocating detail.

  “She was on her way to drop off Jesse at a friend’s house for a birthday party. They were going to have a sleepover, camping in the backyard. Jesse had been excited for weeks.” A small smile played at Pete’s lips but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was looking straight ahead, lost in the memory. “It happened just outside of town. An SUV t-boned her at the intersection. Tourists. Teenagers out for a drive in their daddy’s car. It wasn’t her fault. She had the right of way, but they ignored the stop sign and smashed right into her passenger side, the side where Jesse was sitting in the backseat.” Jason closed his eyes and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “The truck was pushed and turned around by the force of the impact but it didn’t tip over. If she had been in the Shelby…” Jason didn’t want to think about what would have happened if she had been driving the Mustang. “Loreley got banged up a little, but was fine. She pulled Jesse from the car and started CPR.” Now it was Pete’s voice that broke and he took a second to collect himself before he continued. “Rick had to pull her off him. He was the first one on scene. He wasn’t on duty that day, happened to come across the accident by coincidence. He pulled her off Jesse and continued CPR, but it was too late. He knew it but he still kept going. The medics arrived and did what they could, but Jesse was declared DOS before any of us even got there.”

  “She was sitting in Rick’s lap, both of them covered in Jesse’s blood. I will never forget the sight of that. She was crying and screaming. One second, she would huddle into his chest, crying; the next, she would try and escape his hold and get to Jesse, fighting him and screaming.” Cal said in a hoarse whisper. As much as Jason disliked Rick simply for the fact that he would steal his woman if he got the chance, all those feelings disappeared and turned into instant and deep gratitude. He hated that it hadn’t been him, but he was grateful to Rick that he had been there for Loreley and understood that they would always have a bond because of it.

  Cal continued. “Lore still doesn’t remember the details of what happened after they got hit and I hope she never does. She was in shock and her mind has suppressed the memory as a form of self-protection. We took her to the hospital, but she was released that same afternoon. She refused to stay with any of us, wouldn’t hear any of it. Chris came down the next day and stayed with her. He was the only one she would talk to. Well, him and Rick actually. But nobody could get close enough to help her. Nobody could reach her. She retreated into her head, completely. She was consumed by grief. It was frustrating and heartbreaking as hell. Then one night, she started drinking and didn’t stop.” Cal stopped and Jason could see him close his eyes and swallow. “Chris found her. They had to pump her stomach. I don’t think she tried to kill herself, but it was a damn close call. She snapped out of it. Seeing Roy in tears at the hospital was what did it, I think. Chris and I reamed her ass and she started therapy and grief counselling as soon as she was released. She got better, much better. She still has that sadness cling to her from time to time, but that’s nothing compared to how she was a year ago. She’s found her will to live again, and that’s only intensified during the past few days.” Cal’s eyes were on Jason now. They were grateful and hopeful with a hint of brotherly worry.

  A slight sense of relief ran through Jason. It was good to hear that he was helping, that his reappearance in her life had a healing effect on Loreley. He told himself to hold on to that feeling, to not let the images that were raging havoc in his mind, consume him. He had to be strong, had to be the rock that Loreley needed. He would grief for his son, and Loreley would help him with that. She already was by telling him everything about Jesse, by letting him experience his life through her. And Jason thought that remembering the good times, talking about them and sharing them with him helped Loreley as well. He would do anything in his power to keep them on that path and come out stronger and even more connected to one another.

  “I promise you I’ll keep her safe. She’s my priority and I’ll do anything in my power to make sure she’s happy.” Three sets of serious but hopeful eyes were looking at him. He held their gazes. Then one by one the hope turned into relief. They got him.

  The backdoor opened and Loreley peeked her head out. “Dinner is ready.” Her eyes landed on Jason questioningly. She could feel the heavy vibe in the air. Jason smirked at her and beckoned her to come to him with a crook of his finger. The questioning eyes turned sassy and his smirk grew bigger. Jesus, he was so deep with this woman, he would never find his way out again. Not that he cared. He was happy exactly where he was. He repeated the gesture and this time, Loreley gave in and came to him, accompanied by the chuckles of the other men who were starting to get up and head inside. Once Loreley was close enough, Jason reached for her elbow and pulled her to him roughly.

  “What—” she said in startled surprise, but Jason didn’t give her a chance to say anything else as he crashed his mouth down on hers. He took her mouth passionately, fed on her, went as deep as he possibly could while she clung to him and let him take whatever he wanted. He slowed the kiss and nipped at her lips then rested his forehead against hers and said, “I love you so much I want to crawl inside you, get lost in you, and never find my way back out of you.” Her body stilled in his arms for a split second right before she sagged into him.

  “You remember,” she whispered.

  “Of course I do, baby. I told you. I remember everything about you, everything about us. I’ll never let you go again. And I’ll do whatever I have to do to make you happy. I’ll do anything to see you smile, make you laugh, watch your eyes glitter with happiness.” Her face split into a bri
ght and happy smile right there for him to watch. There it was. His reason for living. He existed in this world to make this woman as happy as he possibly could and was grateful that he got his second chance. He wouldn’t need a third. From now on, it was him and Loreley. And the beautiful babies they would make.

  LORELEY

  I was driving us home. Jason was sitting beside me in the passenger seat, Frank was sitting in the back. I had put my foot down when Jason was heading to the driver’s side door, which would once again relegate me to the back seat of my baby. It had been hilarious to watch the big man as he tried to get comfortable. It was hopeless, of course, and he soon realized that, too, but it was still fun to watch him try. He hadn’t stopped brooding. That was hilarious, too. And hot. His glare met my eyes in the mirror and my lips twitched in amusement. He tried to hide it, but I could see the sparkle in his eyes as he shook his head at me.

  “You know, bodyguards usually drive or sit in the passenger seat. I can’t protect you when I’m stuck back here.”

  I scoffed. “There’s nothing here I need protection from.”

  “You think rock star over there overreacted when he called me, don’t you?” I had to smile at the casual way Frank referred to his employer. Jason didn’t react to it, which told me it was a regular occurrence.

  “Yep,” I said flippantly.

  “So what’re you gonna do when there are photographers at your house?”

  I shrugged. “Then they’ll take pictures of us getting out of the car, and more of us walking to the front door. I think they’re harmless.”

  Frank chuckled.

  “They’ve been good so far, but believe me, Loreley, they’re anything but harmless,” Jason stated earnestly. I shrugged again, but didn’t answer.

  We were almost at the house when it occurred to me that I didn’t know where Frank was staying. I seeked out his eyes in the mirror once again. “I don’t know where I’m dropping you off.”

  “Dropping me off?” Frank asked, confused.

  “Yeah. Where am I dropping you off?”

  “We’re not dropping him off anywhere, baby. He’s staying with us.” Jason said through a chuckle.

  “All night?” Frank joined Jason in his chuckle. I looked at Jason. His eyes were on me and they were glinting with amusement. And mischief.

  “Yeah. All night. It’s his job. You got a problem with that?” He was teasing me. It was almost a challenge. A challenge I was only too happy to accept. Our sex life had always been fun and adventurous. In college, we’d had sex in all kinds of places. I wasn’t an exhibitionist, and as far as I knew, neither was Jason, but I enjoyed the thrill of having sex in unusual places. Jason had come up with interesting ways to keep me quiet so we wouldn’t get discovered, and I had no doubt that that’s exactly what was on his mind right now.

  My gaze went back to the road when I said in the most casual tone I could muster, “Not at all.”

  “Good,” Jason replied in his raspy sexy voice. I couldn’t help but shiver and knew he saw it when I heard him chuckle but decided to ignore him. Then something else occurred to me. “Where is Frank gonna sleep?” The vibe in the car turned from playful and sexy to apprehensive.

  “I’m fine with the couch,” Frank said.

  “I’m not gonna put you up on my couch. It’s lumpy and uncomfortable.”

  “You mind if he sleeps in Jesse’s room?” Jason asked carefully. I thought about it for a second. No, I didn’t really mind. I knew Jason knew that I hadn’t changed anything about Jesse’s room yet, but my therapist and I had agreed that that would be the next step. I had fought her on that in the beginning but I knew it was time so I had been preparing myself to start on that. Having someone else sleep in it was as good a start as any and Jesse would get a kick out of it if he knew. There was just one problem.

  “It still has Jesse’s bed in it. I doubt Frank will fit.”

  “Shit, I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “I’ll take the couch. No biggie.”

  “Or we could all stay at the rental,” I suggested.

  I saw Jason turn his head to me. “You okay with that?” He asked, surprised.

  “Yeah, it’s not like we’re moving into it. We can stay there until Frank goes back to—” I stopped. Frank was Jason’s live-in bodyguard. Which meant he would be living with us. There was no way we would all fit into my house even if we converted Jesse’s room into a guest room. It was too small and cramped with three adults. There wouldn’t be any form of privacy for any of us. And it would get even more cramped if Jason and I had children sooner rather than later.

  “We’ll figure it out, baby. I told you not to worry. We’ll make it work. We can always expand your house if you don’t want to leave it. Or build a new bigger house on the same lot.”

  I was trying not to panic at the thought of leaving the house that held almost all of my memories of Jesse. But then I saw his face in my mind’s eye. Not his five-year old face, but his face as he came to me just a few nights ago when he talked to me and assured me that everything would be all right. I could almost feel his touch on my cheek again. He had told me that he would always be with me in my heart. And as I was sitting there, driving us home, I realized that he was right. It didn’t matter what house I lived in, what city I lived in. The only thing that mattered was that he would always hold a piece of my heart; that I would always love him and he would always love me.

  “So you’re sure you want to live here, not in L.A.?” I pulled into my driveway and shut off the engine then turned in my seat to look at Jason. His eyes were already on me and they were just as careful but reassuring as his voice had been.

  “Yeah, I would prefer if we lived here. All your family is here and it’s nice and quiet, far away from all the drama that’s L.A. It’s an easy commute if I have to be there for recordings or promotion or events. Though, I still want to take you there so you can meet everyone and I want you to travel with me whenever you can.”

  “I haven’t been anywhere in the last six years,” I mused as if talking to myself.

  “You haven’t?” Jason asked.

  I shook my head. “No. Travelling costs money, money I didn’t have. And anyways, Jesse loved camping so that’s what we did every summer since he was two years old.” Jason stared at me with a strange look on his face. He seemed annoyed with something but didn’t say anything, so I kept talking. “I have most of next week off. I’m sure dad would cover the two shifts I have if I asked him.” The annoyance left Jason’s face and he smiled at me.

  “Then that’s a plan. We’ll go tomorrow.”

  I smiled at him, excited all of a sudden. “Can we go to Disneyland?” I had never been. My plan had been to take Jesse this year since he would have been old and tall enough to go on more of the rides.

  “You wanna go to Disneyland?” Jason was back to being amused.

  “Yeah. I’ve never been.”

  “Not even when you lived there?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Motion sickness. Or general sickness.” Understanding flashed over Jason’s face and it turned soft. “Then we’ll better get you there fats since I’m planning to keep you knocked up for the better part of the next decade.”

  My eyes bulged at what that statement meant. “I thought you said you wanted two or three kids.”

  “I do. But you gotta have at least two years in between.”

  “That would make it six years then.”

  “We’ll see.” Jason smirked at me.

  “As interesting as the family planning session is, my legs are cramping up. You mind getting out of the car?” I had forgotten that Frank was still sitting in the back seat.

  “Sorry,” I gave him an apologetic smile and got out of the car so he could squeeze out of the back.

  “So what’s the verdict? Here or the rental?” Jason asked me as he rounded the car and stopped in front of me.

  “The rental. More room,” I answered.

  “More privacy you mean
.” He was teasing me again. I raised my eyebrows and accepted the challenge.

  “Fancy a dip in the hot tub?”

  His smirk grew wider and sexier as he stepped closer to me until our bodies almost, but not quite, touched. “I didn’t bring any swim shorts,” his voice was low and seductive. Two could play that game. I leaned into him so that my breasts brushed against his chest. His eyes turned dark and carnal. “Well, then it looks like we’ll be skinny dipping.” Jason’s body froze and I grinned. Then I slowly licked along his lower lip before I leaned back and walked to the front door where I could see Frank waiting.

  “Payback’s a bitch, baby,” Jason growled into my ear. He had caught up with me and held my hips as he was walking behind me.

  “Bring it on,” I murmured back, and to my satisfaction, heard another growl as he nipped my ear lope.

  Chapter 17

  LORELEY

  Flashbacks to how different this flight was from the last time I had sat on a plane to L.A. kept running through my mind as I was staring out the window to see nothing but clouds and the bright blue sky above them.

  The most obvious difference was that we were sitting in first class as opposed to me flying coach last time. I wasn’t the type of woman, who needed or desired fancy and expensive things, but I had to admit, flying first class was something I could definitely get used to. So much space and legroom and the service was outstanding. Even the food tasted great, though the last time I had been so consumed with hurt and betrayal that I honestly didn’t remember what the food had tasted like or if I had even eaten anything. All I had been able to think about had been how wrong I had been about Jason. I kept seeing the blond woman wrapped in her towel over and over again, and my over-imaginative mind had tortured me as it pictured Jason in bed with her. The man sitting next to me that day had asked me if I was okay when he had seen the tears running down my cheeks and had offered me a handkerchief. He was older, maybe mid-fifties, and the look in his eyes had reminded me of my dad.