Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel

by Julia Goda

  “Man trouble, I presume?” He had asked.

  I sniffed as I accepted the handkerchief to dry my face and blow my nose and nodded before I broke out into sobs again.

  “Now, now,” he swung an arm around my shoulders and tried to soothe me. “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will get better. You’ll get over him and find someone who is worthy of your love.”

  “How do you know we broke up?”

  “Sweetheart, it’s written all over your face.” His eyes roamed my face and he gave me a sad smile. “I’ve got three daughters. My youngest just turned twenty-five, which if my eyes and intuition are correct, is about the same age as you are. Believe me, I’ve had to deal with my fair share of broken hearts over the years.”

  I nodded and kept wiping my tears.

  “Now, tell me all about the jackass that broke your heart.” I had to giggle a little at his swearing. Then I told him what happened, starting from the first time I had met Jason and how we had fallen in love, and ending with what I had seen yesterday morning. The more I had talked, the angrier he had become, until when I finished, his jaw was locked in a pissed off position and his eyes were hard.

  “Let me tell you something, sweetheart. Men can be idiots, especially in their early twenties, but that doesn’t excuse how you’ve been treated. I can see that you are a lovely woman with a big heart and big dreams. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, no matter how much you might love him. You follow your dreams and stay true to yourself and the right man will come along and respect you and make you happy.”

  “You really believe that, don’t you?”

  He nodded. “I absolutely do. Without a doubt.”

  I hadn’t been ready at that point to share his optimism, and to be honest, had never really gotten there until a few days ago, and he could tell. When we parted at the baggage claim, he had given me his card and told me to give him a call if I ever needed to talk to someone.

  “You got friends in L.A.?”

  I shook my head.

  “Give me a call and I’ll introduce you to my daughters. Making new friends can never hurt.” Then he had left and with everything that had happened after, I had forgotten all about him until now. Bob. He had told me to call him Bob. But for the life of me I couldn’t remember his last name.

  “Hey, you okay?” Jason squeezed my thigh, snapping me out of the memory. “Looked like you were miles away, baby.”

  I looked at him and gave him a smile. “Just thinking. And remembering.”

  “Remembering what?”

  “The last time I flew to L.A.” Remorse flashed through his eyes for a second before they turned contemplative.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “You never told me about your internship or the reason why you didn’t accept their job offer at the end of it.”

  My eyebrows went up in surprise. “How do you know about the job offer?”

  “Frank found out when I told him to find you and told me about it.”

  “Oh,” I said, not knowing what else to say. I wasn’t too eager to talk about my time in L.A. and the missed opportunities.

  “Will you tell me?” He took my hand in his and started to play with my fingers. I sighed. “I loved it. It was everything I had imagined it to be and more. It was exhausting. I worked fifteen hours a day and loved every single minute of it. But I wasn’t happy in L.A.” I looked away from his face and kept my eyes on our hands. “I was…lonely. And when I found out I was pregnant and with everything that happened after, all I wanted to do was go home. I didn’t see myself being a single mom and raising my child in a city like L.A. while trying to make it in the music business. It wouldn’t have been fair to the baby.” Jason said nothing for a few minutes and I looked back up to his face. His jaw was clenched and he had that same annoyed and angry look on his face he had when I told him about me not having been anywhere in the past six years. I assumed he was mad at himself for not having been there when I needed him, for not having been able to support me.

  “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know,” I said in a soft whisper. Jason shook his head and looked out the window. His jaw was still clenched.

  “I’m grateful you feel that way, baby, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am responsible for you not getting what you’ve worked so hard for.”

  “I’m happy where I am, Jason. I still get to write music and play every once in a while. Really, it’s enough for me.”

  His eyes came back to mine and he studied me. “I can see that you’re trying to make yourself believe that, but we both know that you’re lying to yourself. Writing music is your passion, it’s what you’ve always wanted to do, not managing a small town bar in the mountains somewhere in Colorado.”

  I straightened my spine in offense, but Jason’s hand cupped my cheek before I could say anything. “I’m not being condescending. I know you love the bar and you’re great at what you do. But you’re not passionate about it and we both know it. Don’t lie to me because you don’t want me to feel bad.”

  I sighed in exasperation, pissed off that he knew me so well, but said nothing. Jason’s lips twitched at my stubbornness. “I want to get back to how it used to be. I want you to start writing songs with me again.”

  I gasped, shocked by his request. I had found closure with that part of my life, content with writing just for me and working with small bands like Breaking Habit. Yes, I missed it to some degree, but never would I have imagined that Jason would ask me to write with him again. Back then, we had been a great team and had written lots of songs together, but that had been so long ago and quite frankly, I hadn’t listened to any of his music. It had been too painful. I knew about them of course—you would have to live under a rock to not know about at least his number one hits—and I had been so angry in the beginning that it was our songs that made the band so famous, but I had never intently listened to any of the new ones.

  “Loreley? What do you think?” Jason asked at a squeeze of my hand.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

  “Let me ask you this: how many songs have you written in the past six years?”

  I shrugged again. “I don’t know. Lots.”

  “Give me a ballpark number. Ten? Twenty? Fifty? A hundred?”

  “Somewhere around fifty I guess. Why?”

  “Because, baby, you were a single mom who managed a bar full time and still found time to write somewhere around fifty songs. It’s your passion. It’s what you’re meant to do.”

  “Jason,” I sighed, confused and a little annoyed. “Two days ago you told me you want us to start having babies, the same day you told me I’d have a month to plan our wedding. If you get your way, we’ll have a baby within the year.” The joy on Jason’s face at hearing my words took my breath away and I smiled back at him. “And I wasn’t lying. I enjoy managing the bar. I’m not sure I want to give that up.”

  Jason gave in, if only slightly. “Promise me something then. Show me your songs and come to the studio with me while we’re in L.A. My studio, the one in my basement, and play with me.” I could give him that, even though I could see through his plan, knew where he was going. The thought of playing with him again after all these years excited me and gave me butterflies. I wasn’t against writing music per se, I had been doing it most of my life, and Jason was right. It was my passion. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to pursue it as a career anymore. Especially if he planned on keeping me knocked up for the next decade.

  “Fine. I’ll show you my stuff and I’ll play with you, but don’t think I don’t know exactly what you’re doing.”

  Jason grinned his wide grin, telling me he knew that I knew but wasn’t the least bit ashamed. He brushed his lips softly against mine and whispered, “Thank you, baby. I can’t wait.” His eyes shone with excitement as he gave me another soft kiss. “But first, hot tub.” My eyes grew big and I shuddered.

  We’d had to postpone our
hot tub session the night before, since Nathan had already been in it. To my surprise he had been alone. I was sure there were more than enough willing women in town who would have gladly joined him, but when we walked outside onto the back deck, he had sat there alone staring into the distance while he was sipping his beer and listening to music. Nathan had always been the most level-headed of Jason’s band members. He knew how to enjoy himself and got around, but he wasn’t a player like the other ones had been, or at least he wasn’t as obvious about it as let’s say Murphy. He was honest but charming and sweet, and always treated every woman with nothing but respect. He even dated a few times back then and when he did, he never strayed. He was a good man and I had always thought that some woman would be lucky someday to snatch him up. Still, it was surprising that he was sitting in the hot tub by himself since I knew he wasn’t tied to anyone.

  “Yo,” Jason had greeted him. “You almost done?”

  “Done?”

  “With the hot tub.”

  Nathan glanced at me standing next to Jason, then at our firmly clasped hands, then his eyes went back to Jason and he grinned knowingly. “Nope. Just got in, but feel free to join me.”

  “Fine with me,” I muttered, but Jason looked at me and shook his head.

  “I wasn’t joking, baby. I didn’t bring my shorts.” My eyebrows went up in surprise.

  “Neither did I,” Nathan murmured. I burst out laughing. Jason growled. “Easy, man. I was kidding. See?” He stood up and showed us the proof that he was indeed wearing shorts, then sat back down and grinned at a glaring Jason. “Nothing against a little flirting. You know I’d never poach.”

  “We’re going to L.A. tomorrow. You coming?” Jason stopped glaring but his voice still showed his displeasure.

  “You’re going to L.A.? Why?”

  “To show Loreley around and introduce her to everyone. And she wants to go to Disneyland.”

  Now it was Nathan who laughed. “Disneyland, huh?”

  “Yup,” I answered, smiling.

  “As much as I’d enjoy watching Lore meet Dana, I’m gonna pass. I just got here and I have to say I quite like it. Think I’ll stick around for a while.”

  Dana? Who the hell was Dana?

  I raised my eyebrows again at Jason, this time in question. He squeezed my hand in his and answered, “She’s our manager.” That explained who she was but not why Nathan would find me meeting her so interesting. So I prompted, “And?”

  “And nothing.” My eyebrows went higher and if I’d have both my hands free, I would have crossed them over my chest.

  “She’s got a thing for Jason,” Nathan explained.

  I cocked my head to the side. “One of your conquests?” I asked, a little irritated that Jason wouldn’t fess up. I realized I would probably run into a lot of women he had been with, as proven earlier today, and it would make it a lot easier if I at least knew in advance if we were going to meet one of them instead of going in blind. I tried to pull my hand out of his, but his tightened and he pulled me closer.

  “No. I’ve never touched her.” Jason reassured me in a low voice.

  “And therein lies the problem,” Nathan muttered. “Though, it was probably the smart thing to do. I think she’s the clingy kind. She wouldn’t have just let you drop her. And then things would have gotten really awkward.”

  Jason turned his glare back on and stared Nathan down. “Thanks for clarifying that.”

  “Just keeping it real, my friend,” He said and winked at me.

  Jason pulled me behind him as he turned and walked us to his bedroom without saying anything else.

  “Jason,” I called his name when I closed the door behind us.

  “What?” I could tell he was still upset.

  “I need you to tell me when you know we’re going to run into someone you’ve been with. I don’t like being blindsided.”

  “I told you I’ve never touched Dana.”

  “Okay, but if you know we’re going to see one of them, please tell me, so I know what I’m dealing with.” He was sitting on the bed, taking his shoes off with his eyes on me while I was still standing by the door. He got up and walked to me then cupped my face in his hands. “I’ll tell you. I promise.” I could see the remorse in his eyes, remorse for having slept around and for me having to deal with it now. I could also see that he understood my request and would keep his promise even though he didn’t like telling me any details about that part of his past. He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed deeply before he leaned back and kissed me, softly at first, then harder and deeper.

  “I was looking forward to the hot tub with you all wet and naked for me. Since that’s out, I’m gonna make love to you in that big bed right over there.” He was walking backwards, leading us towards said bed while he was talking against my lips. His hands let go of my face and started undressing me slowly but determinedly. My hands followed his lead and did the same to him. We were naked in less than a minute and, just as promised, Jason proceeded to make slow and intense love to me.

  “As soon as we get to my house, I want you naked in that tub, baby.” I wasn’t going to decline but couldn’t help but cock an eyebrow at him teasingly. “You telling me you’ve lived in L.A. for almost six years and you don’t own any swim shorts at all?”

  Jason chuckled but ignored my question. “Naked, baby,” was all he said before he leaned in and devoured my mouth until all I could think about was him and his mouth on mine.

  His house was exactly what I thought a big celebrity’s house would look like: huge windows everywhere, letting in the bright Californian sun; sleek white marble floors; a gourmet kitchen—also white; rooms that were so big they made you feel a little lost. I bet I would get an echo if I shouted, that’s how big and empty and clean cut the rooms were. Coming in the front door, I could see the big double glass doors at the other end of the room that led out to the deck and backyard. Just a few steps outside those doors there was an infinity pool that made you think it was part of the ocean beneath you. We were up in the hills and from here had an amazing view of the Pacific.

  The house was impressive.

  And utterly cold.

  I hated it and couldn’t imagine why Jason was living here. It was nothing like him. So sleek and clean and white it gave me goose bumps. There were no personal touches anywhere, no pictures, no nothing.

  It was depressing.

  “You hate it, don’t you?” Jason asked. I couldn’t read the tone of his voice so I schooled my features to neutral and tried my best to give him a smile. He had wanted to bring me here to share his life with me and I shouldn’t be so judgemental.

  “It’s a great house,” I managed to sound impressed if nothing else.

  Jason threw his head back and burst out laughing. It was a sight to see and I watched like I always did. His body was still shaking with silent laughter when he walked over to where I was standing by the back doors and laid his hands on my hips.

  “Baby, you’re a terrible liar.” He murmured against my forehead.

  I looked up at him through my eyelashes with what I hoped was an apologetic expression, making him chuckle once more. “You don’t have to spare my feelings. Tell me what you think.”

  “I…uhm…it’s quite something,” I stalled.

  “Spit it out, honey,” Jason said through his smile.

  I sighed. He wanted to hear the truth? Well, I was nothing if not straightforward. “It’s awful. Yes, I hate it. It’s cold and impersonal. Lonely. It makes me want to run screaming. Why do you live here?”

  “Well, if I’m correct, I don’t really live here anymore. I’ve never really thought about it before, but now that you’re here, my vibrant and sassy and full of life fiancée, it’s crystal clear to me why I chose this house.”

  “And that would be?” I asked when he didn’t continue and stared out the window as if lost in thought. It pained me to imagine Jason living here, by himself, with nothing and nobody to comfort him. His ga
ze came back to mine.

  “Don’t you see it? This house, this life that I’ve been living, has been empty without you here with me. I was nothing but a shell, just like this house.” His words made my heart ache for him. “Do you remember how we used to dream about the house we would buy once we could afford it?” He seemed to wait for my answer so I nodded and he continued. “This house is nothing like that. You’re right. It’s cold and impersonal. It makes you feel lonely. I didn’t realize I was doing it when I bought it, but it’s as far away as possible from the house you and I imagined living in together. Don’t you see? If I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want what we’d dreamed about without you.”

  My heart melted as did my body and I leaned into him. Jason’s arms slid around my hips and held me to him as his mouth brushed the top of my hair. “We’ll sell this one and buy a house we both love, a cottage maybe, down by the beach, yellow, with a big wrap-around porch where we can sit and enjoy the view and listen to the waves crash on the sand while our kids are inside sleeping.” That was exactly what we’d always talked about: a small cozy house right on the beach with a big porch to lounge on. And I had wanted it to be yellow. Jason really did remember everything. I melted into him even more.

  “Okay,” I breathed into his neck, overwhelmed by the love that was coursing through me.

  “It might take a while to find exactly what we want. Most of the houses down there are massive and look nothing like what we’ve dreamed about, but we’ll keep looking until we find it.”

  “Okay,” I breathed again.

  “And keep in mind that we’ll need a space for Frank. Not to mention, all the babies I plan on giving you, so it might turn out to be a little bigger than we planned.”