Little White Lie

by Madison Night

  Stop procrastinating.

  “Awesome, great! If you can make it, I’ll make myself available, you can bet on that,” he laughed. “Oh, hang on a sec, baby.” His voice was muffled, the receiver either covered up or pressed against his shirt. She was able to make out a word here and there, but not much else. “Hey, sorry,” he continued a moment later. “PJ and his daughter are here.”

  “Oh, nice. So yeah, I’ll try to make it out this weekend, then,” she said, suddenly uneasy.

  “You okay, Syd?”

  She flipped the switch and put the cheer back in her voice. “Mmm-hmm, totally fine. Listen, let me work on wrapping this stuff up. Hopefully I’ll be able to visit soon.”

  “Hop to it, baby. Love you.”

  Her heart clenched. “I love you, too, Caleb. Always will.”

  She returned the phone to its cradle and sank back on the pillows on her bed. Puff was curled in a ball at her feet, snoring softly, totally at peace. Syd would have given anything for even a fraction of that peace. The reality of what she’d been doing with Caleb all these months weighed on her. This wasn’t a game, these were real emotions—and the person she loved most was going to get hurt.

  She was never going to survive the weekend.

  Syd waited nervously for the door to open. Her eyes were grainy, her head was pounding and she couldn’t stand still. She had taken the redeye to California, eager to get to Caleb and get this over with once she had made up her mind to go. All she wanted to do was sleep for a couple hours to ensure coherent speech, talk to Caleb and break things off, and head home…and somehow endure it all.

  A rustle of noise came from behind the heavy oak doors and a few misty shapes jostled behind the frosted-glass inserts. The door suddenly opened in a whoosh and a girl who had to be no older than eight stood in front of her, her blonde pigtails swinging and her brown eyes wide.

  “Hi!” she chirped. “You must be Sydney! You’re so pretty, much prettier than Uncle Caleb said you were.” She threw her arms around Syd. “Do I call you Sydney? Or Syd? Oh, oh, or Auntie Syd? Can I call you that?”

  Oh God.

  “Okay, Lilly, hold on a sec, there’s no auntie anything going to be happening right now.” A man came up behind her and swung her into the air. He looked just like Caleb, except his hair was styled in a buzz cut and he was wiry as opposed to muscled.

  “Daddy! Put me down!” She giggled.

  Instead of doing as told, he flipped her over his shoulder and extended his free hand to Syd. “You must be Sydney.” He grinned. He had the same sparkling smile as his brother.

  Her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth, so she only nodded mutely. The last thing she’d expected—the last thing she wanted—was to meet Caleb’s family. She was about to devastate him and if she bonded even a little with his brother or niece, it would only make what she had to do that much harder.

  “Okay, out of the way, out of the way!” Caleb pushed his brother to the side and reached for Syd, pulling her into a warm embrace. “God, is it ever good to see you,” he whispered into her hair. She nodded again. He drew back and held her at arm’s length. “Hey, you okay, darlin’?”

  “Yes,” she croaked. She cleared her throat. “Yes, sorry, just tired. I took the redeye in.”

  He beamed and kissed the top of her head. “Well, now you’re here and you can kick back for a while and let me take care of you.” He led her into the house and elbowed his brother on the way into the living room. Lilly shot past him into another room, saying something about showing Sydney a crafts project she was working on.

  “You’ve already met my brother PJ, which technically stands for Pat Jones, but more often than not it means Practical Joker. He’s two years my senior, but certainly doesn’t act it.”

  The comment netted a soft taupe and burgundy striped pillow hitting him square on the back of his head.

  That did it. Syd burst out laughing at the stunned expression on Caleb’s face as he whipped around to confront his brother, who was innocently batting his eyelashes and whistling an unknown tune.

  “You really want to do this now?” Caleb asked.

  Lilly burst into the room armed with two more cushions. “Pillow fight!” she yelled, launching them as she ran by.

  Caleb grabbed Syd around the waist and hauled her onto the chocolate-brown plush sofa, taking cover from the cushion missiles. He shook his blond hair out of his eyes and winked at her. “You’re gonna love my family.”

  I’m going to hell.

  Caleb pulled his brother to the side. “Okay, man, you’ve managed to stay for lunch and dinner. Now get the hell out of my house so I can have some alone time with my lady.”

  Pat thrust his hips forward and grunted.

  He covered his face. “For fuck’s sake, PJ!”

  “Bow chicka bow wow,” PJ said, laughing. “Lilly,” he called, heading into the kitchen to where she was showing Syd how to make a boondoggle bracelet. “Get your stuff together, munchkin, we’re heading out.”

  “Okay, Daddy,” she said, moving to put away everything. “Sydney, you can keep the one we were working on so you can practice, and I’ll finish mine the next time I see you.”

  Syd smiled softly and winked. “Yes, boss.”

  Pat leaned down and hugged Syd. “It was fantastic to finally meet you, Sydney. You’re the best thing that’s happened to my brother in a long, long time.”

  Her smile faltered. “Thanks, Pat. Really good to meet you and Lilly, too.”

  While Lilly cleaned up her mess and chattered away at Syd, Pat grabbed his brother’s arm and pulled him out of earshot. “Is everything okay with you two?”

  Caleb was shocked at the question, especially after the great day they’d all had. “Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”

  PJ scrunched up his nose. “I dunno, bro, something’s off with her. She’s been pretty moody—like one minute she’ll be laughing and enjoying herself, and the next she looks like she’s fighting tears.”

  “I’m sure she’s pretty tired.”

  Lilly and Syd came out of the kitchen and started toward them, and Pat continued quietly. “Just be careful, okay, Caleb. Something isn’t sitting right.”

  Caleb nodded and patted his brother on the back. “Thanks for always keeping an eye on me, man, but I think we’re okay.”

  We have to be.

  Lilly gave Sydney a quick hug. “Maybe next time you visit I can call you Auntie Syd?”

  And there was that expression Pat described—Syd looked about ready to burst into tears as she hugged the girl goodbye.

  When they’d left, Caleb pulled Syd into his arms and kissed her. “Have fun today, darlin’?”

  “Loads,” she answered, pressing her face into his shoulder. “I’m so tired, CJ.”

  “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

  Upstairs, in nothing but the amber glow of a nightstand light, Caleb studied Syd as she moved around his bedroom. She was absolutely acting strange now, stiff and robotic, as if she were only going through the motions. She seemed shy almost, ducking into the en suite to change as opposed to stripping to nothingness right there and giving him a show.

  She’s just tired.

  She stepped out of the bathroom in an oversized Vancouver Canucks T-shirt and headed toward the bed. Caleb was waiting beneath the cobalt comforter wearing a pair of pajama pants, and relief was written all over her face. He had suspected, after the late-night flight and the busy day they’d had, the last thing Syd would have energy for was a little playtime, and by the tired sigh that left her lips as she crawled into bed he’d assumed correctly. She climbed under the blankets and into his waiting arms, snuggling close.

  “Are you… Is it okay if we don’t…ya know?” she stumbled.

  “Of course, darlin’. We can do anything you want. You’re here with me now. That’s all I need.” He kissed the top of her head. “God, I love you.”

  She wrapped one arm around his waist and moved closer to him.
“Please, I… Let me hold you a while, Caleb,” she murmured, body quaking.

  Caleb furrowed his brow and smoothed a few strands of hair away from her face. He brushed his lips on her temple. “Are you okay, baby?”

  She buried her face into his chest and started crying, the tears she appeared to have been holding back all day set free in a torrent. He let her cry for a few minutes, unsure what to do. What set this off? What was going on?

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered suddenly. “Oh God, I’m so, so sorry.”

  An uneasy sensation settled in the pit of his stomach. “Sorry for what, darlin’?” When she didn’t answer, he asked again, “Sydney, sorry for what?”

  Her only response was a shake of her head and shortly thereafter the slow and steady breathing of sleep.

  Caleb wasn’t certain how much time had passed when he was startled awake. It wasn’t that he’d heard a noise or felt something…it was more the absence of sound and movement that alarmed him. He turned his head toward the clock—it was five-thirty in the morning, just before sunrise. Caleb fumbled around to flick on the bedside lamp and squinted as the light hit his eyes.

  He was alone in bed.

  He glanced toward the en suite. The room was dark and quite obviously empty.

  Where did she go?

  He rolled off the mattress and rounded the bed, careful to avoid tripping over Syd’s overnight bag.

  Except it wasn’t there.

  It was as if he had been punched in the gut. Suddenly everything his brother had said came flooding back to him and all the signs he’d pretended to be blind to over the past few weeks assaulted him. Last night, though, with Syd sobbing and apologizing, but not saying what she was sorry for…

  He rushed from the bedroom, nearly stumbling down the stairs head over ass, and slid into the living room. It was empty. The family room and office didn’t yield him better results. He rushed into the kitchen and there he found her, standing at the counter.

  “Syd?”

  She folded the piece of paper she had been holding, placed it on the black granite surface, and turned to face him. She looked terrible—her eyes were red-rimmed and filled with tears, her face sunken and drawn. Her lips were nothing more than a thin line. She quickly turned away from him and moved to the French doors to stare out into the back garden, watching the sun rise.

  He stepped behind her and put his hands on her upper arms, rubbing gently up and down. “Syd, baby, please. Tell me what’s wrong.” Her body shook and Caleb wrapped his arms around her, hoping the gesture provided whatever comfort she needed.

  “Stop. Please stop,” she whispered, her voice weak as she pulled away from him.

  “Did I do something to upset you, Syd?” he asked, utterly confused.

  She turned to face him, her cheeks wet with tears, whatever pain she was feeling evident in her expression.

  “Syd…” he began.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Caleb. I… We… I can’t be with you. This has to stop.”

  He wasn’t sure he had heard her right—the sound of his heart cracking in two was almost deafening. “What? Everything was fine yesterday. How can you suddenly say this now? You don’t mean that, darlin’. I know you don’t.” He reached for her again, but she dodged his embrace.

  “I do, Caleb. I… I mean it.” She covered her face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to happen like this.”

  He shook his head.

  What in the name of fuck is going on?

  “It doesn’t need to happen at all,” he tried reasoning. “Tell me what happened. Tell me what’s making you say this?”

  “I was hoping I wouldn’t see you before I left,” she said. She nodded toward the note on the counter. “That says everything I need to.”

  “I want to hear it from you, Syd. Not read a goddamn letter.”

  She went silent and swung her purse over her shoulder, preparing to leave.

  “No,” he said, more to himself than to her. “This isn’t happening.” He moved around her and blocked her path out of the kitchen. “You can’t just walk away, Syd. Not when I love you, and you love me.”

  She hung her head.

  Caleb cupped her cheek and tipped her face up to his. He waited until she met his gaze. “I love you, Sydney Bennett.” He leaned forward and kissed her softly, tenderly. “My heart is yours.”

  She trembled and fresh tears sprang to life. She yanked away from him. “No! We… This never should have happened to begin with. This time it’s real—there’s no going back.” She stepped around him and headed toward the foyer, where her overnight bag sat waiting for her.

  Frustrated, Caleb slammed a fist onto the wall. “You can’t up and leave like this, Syd! Don’t do this to me again. Stay. Talk to me. We can figure it out.”

  She shook her head no and opened the door, stepping out into the early morning light. “Goodbye, Caleb,” she whispered.

  “Syd, I’m begging you, darlin’, don’t do this,” he yelled after her, stepping onto the walkway to follow her, numb to the pain of the pebbles and stones on his bare feet. “Stay for a few minutes and talk to me, damn it!”

  She hurried to the rental car and got in before he could reach her. Without another look, she started the engine and backed down the driveway.

  “Don’t leave me,” he whispered, shattered. “Stay.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “Okay, Lilly’s with a sitter and I’m here. Now tell me what the fuck is going on?” Pat said, pushing his way through the front door, a slightly irritated expression overtaking his usually soft features.

  Caleb’s shoulders were sagging, his head hung. “Syd’s gone,” he announced.

  PJ stared at him. “Um, of course she’s gone. You knew she was only staying the night.” He sighed and slapped his brother on the back. “You’re not gonna be a sucky baby every single time she goes home, are you? Because I’m pretty sure I’d lose my damn mind trying to console you twenty-four-seven.”

  Caleb stepped into the living room and sank into the couch. “No, man. She’s gone.” He picked up the black acoustic that was leaning against the arm and began absent-mindedly plucking away at the strings. Usually a guitar in his hands would help to soothe and calm him—not this time.

  Pat blinked and stared at him. “Say what?”

  “She left this morning. Said we’re through.”

  “Oh shit. Oh crap, man, I’m so sorry I was being a jerk to you just now. What happened? Did you guys have a fight or something?” He sat beside his brother and rested his elbows on his knees.

  Caleb turned to face him. “No. No fight. You were right, Pat. Something was off with her. I noticed it, too. Even after you left she was acting strange and withdrawn.”

  “The one time I wish I was wrong,” PJ mumbled.

  “When we went to bed she only wanted to hug me and then she started crying, saying she was sorry over and over again, but not telling me for what,” Caleb continued. “And then this morning I woke up and she was nowhere in sight. I came to the kitchen and there she was, all packed up and ready to go.” He sighed heavily. “I tried getting a reason out of her, begged her to stay, but all she would say was that we never should have happened and that everything would be explained in the letter, and she drove off.”

  “Letter? What letter?”

  Caleb nodded toward the coffee table. On it sat the note Syd had left him, the ivory paper still folded.

  PJ gestured with his hand. “And? What did it say?”

  “I haven’t read it. Does it even matter?” He shrugged. He leaned the guitar up against the sofa again, and rubbed at his face. He felt destroyed—on so many levels.

  Pat plucked the letter off the table, opened it and smoothed it out, and offered it to his brother. “Read.” Caleb shook his head no. “Read. Older brother’s orders.”

  Caleb took the offered paper.

  Caleb,

  The last thing I ever wanted was to do this in a letter, but I guess I didn’
t have the courage to say it to your face. I never, ever, wanted to hurt you, and yet here I am, doing just that, and I am sorry. So incredibly sorry. What we had was special, and I will remember my time with you forever, but it never should have happened. I was selfish, and stupid, and because of that, the most amazing, kind and beautiful man—inside and out—is getting hurt. I know you want answers but I have none to offer. Suffice it to say there is too much going on in my life right now, and I cannot give you my heart. I know—I know you’re going to think that excuse is utterly lame, but I swear, Caleb, it’s the truth. There’s so much bad happening in my world that I haven’t been able to tell you about. Not because you wouldn’t want to hear about it, but because I literally cannot share the details with you. And while leaving you seems like my choice, in truth, it is not. Please, Caleb, you have to forget about me. You have to let me go. Hate me if you must—Lord knows you have every right in the world to. Go find the love and the happiness you deserve from someone who can give all of herself to you—mind, body, heart and soul. I’m so sorry for hurting you. Sydney

  Caleb gave the note back to his brother when he was done reading.

  Can’t focus.

  PJ grabbed it and began to read.

  Can’t breathe.

  “Oh man, Caleb…”

  What details can’t she share with me? Why?

  Caleb twitched, and suddenly he let out a roar and the guitar was in his hands. He smashed it against the coffee table, again and again, until there was nothing left of it but splinters and twisted wire.

  Pat took the broken guitar from him and placed it aside. “Dude. Caleb,” he said, his voice gentle. “Come on, brother, calm down.”

  Stunned, he turned to face Pat. “What the fuck is going on?” he whispered. “What can’t she tell me?” Pat shrugged. “What did she mean it wasn’t really her choice?”

  PJ pulled him to sit on the sofa again. “I don’t have those answers, bro. I wish I did.” He frowned. “One thing is for sure—since the whole thing started with you two back in Banff, she’s never been able to make up her mind on where she wanted things to go. She flipped and flopped like a fish outta water…”