Holding On To Heaven

by Melyssa Winchester

  Chapter Four

  Gabriel

  It’s official.

  I’m breaking every conceivable rule in maintaining contact with Serenity, at least to the degree I have taken it to. It had not come as a shock when I had been called home. It seems he is getting a bird’s eye view at my attempt to become closer to my charge and I could only imagine he did not like it one bit.

  I am to be a casual observer here, only involving myself in dire situations. He had drilled that into my head so many times; I knew it by heart. I also knew that being tasked with being a guardian angel for a girl that was troubled and haunted by her gift meant that sometimes the rules needed to be broken. If Serenity is the answer to our prayers for a better world, did that not mean that keeping her happy trumped everything else? At least until the time came where it no longer mattered and she had taken her rightful place?

  It is in moments such as this that my lingering doubts about what is right made the most sense. Maybe Heaven needed an upgrade after all. The way things were being run right now left something to be desired.

  “What do you hope to accomplish in going about things the way you have been, my son?”

  “Do you really want to know or did you call me home to tell me that you are unhappy with my methods?”

  “You dare speak to me this way after I gave you a chance? When I could have easily chosen Michael or Raphael, who are more qualified?”

  I was reminded of the conversation we shared before I began my assignment. How proud he was, more than pleased at giving me my first real chance to shine in as many centuries. It was completely different than the way he is now and I found myself feeling sick at the drastic change that had occurred.

  Even with things changing where Serenity is concerned, I still very much want to please him. I want to make him proud and strengthen his belief that in choosing me, he had made the right decision. Hearing anything to the contrary is just too upsetting. By his own words though, he brought up an interesting question.

  Why choose me at all if he believed my siblings to be that much better than me?

  “Father, I don't mean any degree of disrespect, but you did ask me what I was hoping to accomplish and I feel the answer is quite clear if you just look at what I have been doing.”

  “What is it that is supposed to be clear to me? Are you speaking of something other than the growing feelings for your charge?”

  So this is what this meeting is about. The seer of all things has been able to see how I am beginning to feel about Serenity. Another rule that I am breaking. It all made sense now.

  “Father, one has nothing to do with the other. I am building trust with her. That is what you requested of me, is it not? Other than showing her my true form, there really is no other alternative to get the result we require. She has no idea of the power that burns within her. She believes herself to be a flawed human specimen. The thing I most want to correct. If when the time is right you want her to remain on the side of righteousness, then you must let me do this my way, otherwise you will send her into this blind and she will balk and run.”

  “You seem to have given this much thought, Gabriel.” he replied, his tone no longer angry, which gave me hope he might be willing to hear me out.

  “It is all I have been doing for the last twenty years while I watched over her. I want this to succeed as much as you do. You must never doubt that, but in order for it to happen you must allow me some room to move.”

  “And this has nothing to do with what you feel for her?”

  “No. What I may feel for her is separate entirely from the task at hand and I will treat it as such during the remainder of my time there.”

  “You must remain detached, Gabriel. If you allow your personal feelings to distract you then all of us fail and this will be for naught.”

  “I can't stay away from her, not if you expect me to do my job and do it effectively. You must not ask that of me.”

  “You are to spend some time apart from her then, to prove to me that you are not being led by human emotions due to your time on the planet. That you are in fact doing what is best for the undertaking. There will be no argument on this. You must do as I say or I will send Michael in your place.”

  Everyone believes Heaven to be this glorious place. A place that when you pass on and enter the gates, is all happiness, peace and overwhelming calm, but it is so much more than that. This mission my father had put me on had opened my eyes to just how political everything is. It really is like the planet in a lot of ways, though you wouldn't find many that were willing to admit it.

  I have never been the first pick in terms of Heaven's children. In fact, if I am really honest about it, I am like what the humans call, the black sheep. I am the one that has doubts, voices opinions and is not happy towing the line for my father and the rest of my family. I want more; expect more and will settle for nothing less than all of the answers at any given time.

  It is this attitude that I believe is the reason behind me being chosen for this undertaking. Out of all of the heavenly hosts, I was the one most like Serenity herself, at least in her human form and because of that, when the time called for it, I am the best person to call on because I understand her almost better than she does herself.

  Michael has always been the favorite, at least since Lucifer was cast out and forged his own much darker path. He is the go to guy in situations like the one I find myself in because he does not let the human way of being become him. He is stronger than I am, especially in his ability to not let anything, human or otherwise possess him.

  Father threatening to bring him in to guard Serenity is the more logical choice, but I could not let it happen. I had to do this and unlike what I had told my father, it had everything to do with the way I am beginning to feel for her. A realization I knew that no matter how strongly I tried to hide it, Father would find out.

  I had been there through every event, large or small in her life. I am invested in ways I cannot even begin to describe. The truth of the matter is, if I was sent back home unable to complete what Father desired of me, I would go back half the angel I was when all of this began. In spending as much as I have watching her, I have come to understand her and sympathize.

  It is a proven fact that angels do not feel. This is why Father created the world the way he did. He wanted to create in his image, real feeling, growth through emotions and actions. Humans existed to be what angels could never be. It is even worse for Archangels, as we are meant to be warriors for God.  We are the light and the strength in an otherwise dark and dangerous existence. For centuries we have been taught to be better than our human counterparts. Unfortunately, I do not fit the mold. I do not think I ever would.

  As much as I want to please Father, I knew that what he is asking of me is impossible. Given how closely I guarded her over the years, to the point of becoming close to her, it would be impossible to walk away.

  There is only one way I can handle this.

  I would do as Father asked even though it would pain me to no end. I would cease all visitation with Serenity in an effort to prove I am the right person for the job. I would do it just this once because the alternative was not an option I was willing to go along with. I would stay away from her so that I did not risk being sent away from her forever.

  Once my obligation was filled and I had proven my worth in the undertaking, I would go back to her and I would make sure I would never be taken from her again.

  Serenity

  I can't believe I've been so stupid. That when I heard his voice that night three days ago, I really believed he meant what he said. I didn't like admitting it, but I’d become so accustomed to the nightly visitation that I had fallen hook, line and sinker for a few sweet words.

  I’m an analytical person by nature. I never let my heart make decisions for me and I don’t just follow along on blind faith. I deal in cold hard facts and physical proof. It’s the way I’ve always been and something I don't believe I
need to change.

  It started when my father walked out on us and disappeared. I was young and believed that his leaving had in some way been my fault.  I hadn’t been what he expected, so he bailed out before I managed to get even more attached. As time went on it became less about blaming myself and more about not trusting anyone to really stay around when they said they would. Dad told me he would never leave me and well you can see how well that turned out.

  If I didn’t allow attachments and I didn’t take every word from people as gospel, then no one could hurt me. For as long as I can remember it’s served me well. So why with Gabriel had I just taken him at his word?

  I knew why. It’s because I was that girl.

  You know the one. The girl that goes out with a guy and then, reading too much into the situation goes home each night and waits by the phone, her heart breaking in two with each day that passes with no word. Gabriel was a voice in my head for crying out loud and already he had the ability to control my responses. He had the ability to break me and he wasn't even real.

  I’ve reached new heights. I am no longer just a freak, but the most pathetic one.

  “I will never leave you Serenity. I am always with you.”

  For the last three days those words haunted me. It made sleep completely impossible and made my waking hours even harder to handle. I moved from class to class like a zombie, all the while carrying a smidgen of hope that tonight would be the night he would come back to me. He would tell me that he stayed away for some life or death reason and that he wanted nothing more than to be with me the entire time.

  My course work is suffering, with me already taking an incomplete on an assignment that just a couple of months ago, I would have completed and handed in well before the due date. I was late for work almost every day since the radio silence and the few people I did enjoy talking to were beginning to see me for who I was and were turning their backs on me.

  With the way things were going, I was going to blink and be in my pajamas watching some sappy romantic movie and bingeing on ice cream, surrounded by a room full of cats. Though if that happened then at least I’d be considered normal for the first time in my life.

  God, I’m pathetic. Emma was right. I’d fallen for the voice in my head and judging by the nose dive my thoughts were taking, I had it bad. Maybe it really was time to revisit the whole crazy theory, because if this wasn't the epitome of crazy, I didn't know what was.

  “Serenity...”

  Oh god, it was worse than I thought. Now I’m hearing things.

  “You must guard yourself, darkness is coming.”

  “Please make sure Mark knows I didn't sleep with that guy.”

  “Why did I have to die in my underwear? Do you have any idea how embarrassing walking around in your tighty whities is?”

  “Why must children these days wear their pants around their ankles?”

  Standing in the hallway about halfway to my next class, the flood of voices took a hold of me, each one more ridiculous then the next, forcing me to listen to their pleas, looking for any acknowledgement that they were being heard. When closing my eyes and pushing random thoughts through my brain didn't seem to stop it, I turned back the way I had come, prepared to run them out.

  If they were determined to take over my mind then there was no way in hell I was going to lose it in front of a hallway full of students. I was already considered a loner. I really wasn't looking to add more labels to it.

  As I began walking I heard it again; the one person that had the ability to stop the other voices so I could focus. The low rumble broke through and immediately my heart rate, which up until that point had been beating into overdrive, began to steady.

  “Focus on my voice Angelo Ragazza; I'm here with you now.”

  I did as he said and focused solely on the sound of his voice, not allowing any of the others to force their way through. As upset as I am that he’s showing up now, after leaving me hanging, it was overridden by my overwhelming need to calm myself so I could make it to class on time. Having a mental breakdown on the way to a psychology class while ironic, is just not something I was willing to do.

  “Can you hear me if I speak to you like this?”

  “Yes. I am able to hear your thoughts.”

  The magnitude of what he just admitted to was not lost on me. It meant that for the last three days, if he really could read my mind and meant what he said, he knew exactly what his leaving had done to me. The mental and emotional breakdown it evoked and the responses to all of them as they flooded my nervous system.

  If he could hear me then it meant he knew how I felt. He knew everything.

  “Who the hell are you? Who have I been talking to for the past month?”

  “As I have already told you, you have been speaking to me. Gabriel.”

  I have no idea what upset me more, the fact that he was so matter of fact saying it or that it held a smart ass undertone to it. Either way, I didn't like it. The time for going easy and letting him reveal things in his own time was over. If he wasn't going to tell me what I wanted to know then he might as well never bother coming back. My hurt slowly began turning into anger and I held onto it for dear life. I needed to feel something other than the sheer agony I’d been feeling for the past seventy two hours.

  Shit.

  He knew what I was going to do because he could hear my every single freaking thought.

  “What does Angelo ragazza mean?”

  “It means angel girl, but that is not what you really want to know.”

  “Well aren't you the observant one today? Would you like a cookie for being so smart?”

  “I am always observant. It is as much a part of who I am as using sarcasm when you're upset is for you.”

  Damn, he had me there. He didn't need to be able to read my mind to know I’m angry with him. Or that I’m disappointed in him and even a little in myself. I had spent this long not creating attachments with other people because of the torturous nature of my so called gift and what did I do right from the first time he spoke to me? I'd gotten attached.

  “Where have you been? What happened to always being with me? Or were you lying when you said that?”

  “I want to tell you everything, but right now is not the time.”

  “You know what? Spare me, Gabriel. You're just saying the same stupid line you always do. I'm starting to think it's the only words you know how to say.”

  “I am sorry that you feel that way, but that is not the case.”

  “I waited for you for three days; I missed you, but did that matter to you? Does it matter to you now? No, because if it did, then you'd tell me the truth. So how about you just do us both a favor and continue doing exactly what you've been doing and leave me the hell alone.”

  I know how I sound and it just made me even more annoyed with myself. I had gotten myself attached to the voice in my head to such a degree that now I was beginning to sound like an irate girlfriend. I was no better than some of the other girls on campus with the way I’m carrying on. I need to get myself together and I need to do it quick.

  Turning back toward my class, I began walking, focusing my mind on any random memory I could think of to block him from being able to respond to me. I meant what I said; I didn't want to hear it anymore. I was already having a hard enough time dealing with my life.  The last thing I needed was for him to speak again and fill me with more excuses.

  I’d been given more than my share of those for this lifetime. He could save it.

  Making my way into the classroom and taking a seat as far in the back as I could manage, I opened my textbook and began reading. I could only hope that I would get through this one class without a spirit deciding I was its new BFF. It’s time I focus on what’s really important. My classes, my work and my future. No more pining away for a spirit that plays mind games.

  I listen as the professor begins his lecture, putting pen to paper and taking notes the more he carried on. It’
s then I hear it, faint as usual, the sound instantly putting my body and mind at ease. The pitch low yet melodic as he spoke the words that shot straight into my heart, leaving his mark.

  “I was fulfilling an obligation to my father. I do not understand what it is to lie and despite the way that it appears, I never left you. I have been with you the entire time.”