Holding On To Heaven

by Melyssa Winchester

  *****

  True to his word he vanished and I’d been able to sleep through the night without any interruptions from the dearly departed. As much as I didn't want to believe anything he said, it was hard to deny the fact that having him back and coming around again kept everything that went bump in the night at bay. Something I’d definitely missed.

  Could I really believe in his ability to fix this? I didn't have any idea who or what he really was. He had already kept his distance when he specifically told me otherwise on more than one occasion. How can I trust in him when I know next to nothing about him?

  “You're doing it again.”

  “Jesus, I'm sorry Ryan.”

  “I feel like there’s something going on with you besides the voices. I know you don't exactly know me, but you can trust me. I mean, if you want to tell me what’s really going on with you.”

  He’s right. I didn't know him, but maybe it would help to tell someone else about Gabriel. Someone other than Emma who couldn't offer anything more than a go get him attitude, something that didn't do me a lick of good. Maybe telling Ryan, his experience with voices and all, would open the door to another way of seeing things. At the very least I could get it out of my head and let it be someone else’s problem for a while.

  Can I talk about Gabriel though? With another guy no less?

  Sighing and leaning back on the blanket I look up to the sky. I’ve done this before, more times than I can count. Looking to the sky for answers, something that could point me in the right direction. This time is no different, though not by much. There were still no answers to be had.

  “There's this voice.”

  “Okay. What about it?”

  “He started talking to me about a month ago. Every night at the same time and even sometimes during the day, when the other voices become too much, he would come to me. Talk to me, god, he even sang to me a few times.”

  “A spirit sang to you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That sounds pretty awesome. So what is it about this voice that's got you spacing out so much?”

  “Umm, he said some things to me before, things that I found out weren't exactly true. I told him to go away, that I didn't want him around anymore and well, he listened for a couple days. He came back last night.”

  I watch as he absorbs everything I’m telling him. His eyebrows rose, though his facial expression gave nothing away as to how he was taking it. Hopefully he wouldn't think I was being silly.

  “Do you know why he visited you so often?”

  “He said it was to watch over me and make sure I was alright. Funny thing is, whenever he was around the other spirits couldn't get within ten feet of me. It was like he blocked them all.”

  “Wow, I didn't even think that was possible.”

  Now this is where he surprised me. If I’m completely honest, even before Gabriel came back, the voices had been blocked from speaking to me and I figured that Ryan was the reason for it. I knew he wasn't like Gabriel, but it’s almost as if I was so immersed in spending time with him that he had the same effect. I’d been hoping it wasn’t just me, but apparently it was.

  “You've never had the voices blocked, even for a few minutes?” I choke out, somehow losing my nerve as I realize I seem to have a relief system he hasn't found yet.

  “Well no, at least not before two days ago, but even then they aren't completely blocked from me. They’re just muffled for a while.”

  “They're muffled for you?”

  “Yeah. Look, I'm not crazy I swear Serenity, but since I met you, everything seems to be dulled that way. Like right now. Sitting here with you, talking about the voices I would expect someone, anyone to make an appearance, yet there hasn't been anything. As for this voice you're hearing that completely blocks it, I seriously don't know what to make of it.”

  “Now you know how I feel.” I spit out, not focusing on the tone of my voice or how I appear. He was having the same effect on me as I am on him and for the life of me, I have no idea why.

  If we silenced each other’s voices then maybe Gabriel wasn't needed after all. Maybe I didn't need to know everything about him the way I wanted to before. Maybe I could just enjoy this with Ryan and finally live life again.

  “It's not a spirit.” he says, his voice barely a decibel above a whisper, to the point that I'd almost not heard him at all.

  “What did you say?”

  “It's not a spirit, at least not a dead one.”

  “What do you mean? It has to be. What else is there to hear?”

  “You said he sang to you right?”

  I nod wondering where he’s going with his train of thought and thankful I didn't have to wait long to find out.

  “What spirit do you know of that can sing? I've never had it happen and I've had tons of female and male spirits talk to me over the years. Add to that the fact that he completely blocks other spirits from getting to you, something that even though we're muffled around each other, I can't even do and well I just don’t think he's a spirit.”

  I’m afraid to ask but I had to know so I blurted it out. “So, if he's not a spirit then what is he?”

  Ryan looks up and his eyes lock on mine, the lightness of them darker than usual, and his expression grave. If I wasn’t so comfortable around him, seeing him this way would most definitely frighten me.

  “Angel.”

  “Oh God, not you too.” I mumble more to myself than to him. Not only was Emma doing her best to try and convince me that Gabriel is my guardian angel, now apparently Ryan wants me to believe the same thing. What’s gotten into everyone lately?

  “Okay. I know it sounds crazy, but just hear me out alright? All I ask is that you keep an open mind.”

  “Sure, I mean it can't be anything worse than Emma tried telling me.”

  “What did Emma tell you?”

  “Why she believes Gabriel is different.”

  “Wait! Did you just say his name is Gabriel?”

  As he asked the question, it occurred to me that when I’d been explaining the voice, I hadn't mentioned a name. Judging by the surprised look on his face, it’s apparent that he hadn't been expecting it to be the name that it was. I nodded again and just sat back to wait for him to continue.

  “Okay, well a guardian angel is believed to be a spirit that is sworn to protect a person in their greatest time of need. Stronger than your average spirit, they have been known to have abilities that are practically unheard of, which really does go along with everything you've already told me. Now that I know his name though, I'm thinking I was wrong.”

  Oh good. Finally the idea of angels can be dropped. Sure spirits were real, especially the ones left roaming the earth because Ryan and I dealt with that daily, but angels; well I can’t wrap my mind around them.

  “Exactly. I told Emma she was crazy for even thinking it and given my own problems, that’s saying something.”

  I watched as he moved across the blanket until he was directly in front of me, our eyes still locked on each other, his expression serious. Taking my hand in his, he starts to speak again.

  “She's not crazy, Serenity. When you were in high school, did you ever take a mythology course, or hell, a world religion one?”

  “Yeah. Religion was an elective and since I didn't do so well with Phys Ed, I took it. What does that have to do with anything?”

  I was finding it hard to concentrate on much of anything with him rubbing his fingers across my bare knuckles the way he was. I'm not sure what his intent had been moving this close, but if he meant it in a calming way, it’s a complete fail. He’s driving me crazy.

  “There is a strong belief in most religions that regards angels as the most holy of God's army. Look I know you don't believe it, but please tell me at some point you went over this. Gabriel, along with Michael, Raphael and Uriel are known as archangels. God's warriors.”

  I understood what he was getting at and I felt sick. Ryan wasn't crazy, at least no crazi
er than Emma for mentioning it. They were right. There was an angel in mythology named Gabriel though what his role had been, I couldn't remember. It had been years since I'd even thought of the class.

  Could it be true? Is Gabriel an angel, or more specifically, an archangel? Is that why he’d been so vague, yet at the same time standing by his truth that he would never leave me? I didn't want to believe any of this, but it was getting harder by the second to deny.

  “Holy crap.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with that? There's an angel coming to me every night. I'm even more of a freak now.”

  Moving his body and leaning back, pulling me back into his chest, he began rubbing my arms. I know it was meant to calm me, but I’m reactive when it comes to his touch, so I just listened as the blood boiled under my skin.

  “You’re not a freak Serenity. You have the ability of Clair-Audience. You can hear and speak with higher beings.”

  “No, see, that’s not right. I'm a medium. I can communicate with the dead. That's it.”

  “Pretty girl, I know you don't want to admit it, but you're much more than just a medium. Here!” He says, stopping suddenly. “I can prove it. Try something with me.”

  “Okay—sure.”

  “Can you hear me right now? If you can, focus your mind and answer me back the same way.”

  Yes I can hear him, but this is also something that I knew I could do already. I talked to Gabriel more than once this way, less than two days before. Hearing Ryan in my head though, that freaked me out. It’s one thing to have a spirit you could communicate with, but another person like me? Just what the hell am I and how could I think I'd ever be normal?

  “I can hear you.”

  “Well that settles that then.” He replied, speaking out loud and taking me back out of my mind, something I was more than thankful for.

  “What does this mean for me? Why do I have to be the one that can do all of this? Why can't I be normal?”

  He continues rubbing my arms and despite the way it made me feel before, I’m now thankful for the distraction. I didn't want to think about any of this so focusing my mind on the way my body feels every time he moved his hands up and down my arm kept the breakdown at bay.

  “It means you have more gifts then you thought. You can talk to angels, Serenity. I know it's scary and you want to be normal, but you're not. You wanna know what else you’re not?”

  “No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.”

  “Alone. You're not alone. Not anymore.”

  Before I have a chance to react, I feel his lips brush against mine and in that moment, all of the fear and anxiety I’d been feeling, faded away. All I could feel is the way his slightly dry, chapped lips felt as they grazed mine.

  I never wanted it to end.