The Click Trilogy
Page 25
I’ll keep that in mind. In the meantime, I’ve got an email to send and you’ve got an email to delete. Right?
From: Renee Greene – July 17, 2012 – 10:06 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Miss me?
Oh, I don’t think so. You have a picture of me from Cancun in college. As I recall, you’ve trotted that little factoid out on many an occasion when you are interested in getting me to do something I don’t want to. Now I’ve got a little black“mail” of my own.
From: Shelley Manning – July 17, 2012 – 10:08 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Miss me?
Fine. Keep it. Show it around if you want. I’m proud of the rack.
From: Renee Greene – July 17, 2012 – 10:10 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Miss me?
UGH! It’s no fun when you have no shame. Why can’t you be embarrassed like normal people?
From: Shelley Manning – July 17, 2012 – 10:11 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Miss me?
Sweetie, I’m anything but normal. And I’ve got two great reasons to be proud in this case.
From: Renee Greene – July 17, 2012 – 10:12 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Miss me?
True, my friend. True. Okay, go send your sexy photo to…?
From: Shelley Manning – July 17, 2012 – 10:13 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Miss me?
…? No one you know. Call you later. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Shelley Manning – July 18, 2012 – 8:25 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: HUMP DAY
It's hump day. Just thought you should know.
From: Renee Greene – July 18, 2012 – 8:32 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
UGH! I’m still at the office. I’ve been working my fanny off and it’s only Wednesday. I wouldn't be busting my hump like this for just any client. Thankfully, they are appreciative of our work.
From: Shelley Manning – July 18, 2012 – 8:35 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
I say “hump day” and that’s your take, Sweetie? I’ve been working hard. Listen up lady: It’s HUMP DAY. So log off the computer, find your man and have at it.
From: Renee Greene – July 18, 2012 – 8:36 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
I didn’t realize it was a command.
From: Shelley Manning – July 18, 2012 – 8:38 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
Well it is! Sadly, I have to remind you to have sex.
From: Renee Greene – July 18, 2012 – 8:40 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
Is that your plan for the evening? Perhaps with the gentleman who received your risqué photo yesterday? What was his name again?
From: Shelley Manning – July 18, 2012 – 8:42 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: HUMP DAY
Nice try, Sweetie. Go have some fun. Mwah! Mwah!
Chapter 8 – Save The Ta-Tas
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:01 AM
Bcc:
Subject: Help me save the Ta-tas
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! (Yes, that Shakespeare reference was just for you, Shelley.)
I’ve decided to do a breast cancer awareness run and I’m hoping you will do your part to help me save the Ta-tas. Millions of dollars are needed for increased research and access to patient care for this devastating disease. And if I’m willing to run for this cause, you know it must be important to me. So open your check books wide and get ready to donate at the attached link.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:18 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you’ve got a great rack. And it’s not just me reminiscing about Cancun. They’ve held up remarkably well over the years. (Pun intended!) We’ve got to make sure those girls stay perky, happy and healthy. So of course I will donate to the cause.
And Sweetie, just wondering, are you doing this because I sent you a photo of my boobs a few days ago?
On another note, lunch soon at Mel’s? I’ll call you to figure out a plan.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
No, your sexting stunt didn’t jump-start this endeavor. But thanks for getting that mental picture in my head again.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:26 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Damn! I was thinking I was your inspiration. And believe me, I’ve had plenty of people begging for a flash of my assets.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:27 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
You’re not my type. ;)
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:42 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Oooh. Ouch! Well on that painful note, “ta ta” for now. (Ha! See what I did there? I made a joke. A very funny one at that.)
From: PBCupLover – July 19, 2012 – 9:43 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
You know I love those Ta-tas Babe. They’re priceless. A donation will be forthcoming.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:23 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I know you do. Thanks for lovin’ them. :)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 10:37 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
thats great renee. good for you. your not only doing a really great thing for people who need it, but its great exercise.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 10:38 AM
To: cassidy
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Exercise? Yikes! I forgot about that part. ;)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 11:12 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
exercise is so important for your body and soul. i know i feel a huge difference when i don’t get my regular daily exercise.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 11:14 AM
To: cassidy
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I just feel huge, probably because I don’t exercise. ;)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 12:56 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
dont be so hard on yourself. you really only need to lose 10 pounds.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 1:13 PM
To:
Subject: Fwd: 10 Cutest Cat Moments
cute indeed, dontcha think?
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 1:45 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
WOW! I’m really trying for Mark’s sake, but that “10 pound” email makes it hard. I’m starting to get a complex!
Oh, don’t go thinking I’m an eating-disorder candidate. I’m too lazy and not quite masochistic enough for that. I could never be a bulimic. The thought of puking makes me want to gag. Hovering over a receptacle with my finge
r shoved obediently down my throat is enough to sicken anyone. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it.
Laxatives are always an alternative. Although throwing up from that other angle makes me want to gag as well. Some talk show the other day had a twig on the show who took a hundred laxatives. A hundred?!? Wouldn’t two or three do the job? After fifteen at the most, you would think the laxatives would no longer be effective.
So, I guess I could always become an anorexic and starve myself. You know, be one of those sprout-eating, carrot-nibbling, wheat-germ-guzzling, tofu-toting, fat-free-food-fanatical, aerobic-addicted, silicon-injected, slim-figure-flaunting waifs.
My disdain of dieting is rivaled only by my strong aversion to exercise. Now mind you, I’m not lazy. I’ve just got low self-esteem.
You walk into one of those gyms and it looks like a casting call for a teen vampire soap opera. Before you can join the gym, you have to pass some physical fitness/beauty contest. I can’t wait for the swimsuit competition.
If anyone there asks, you have to tell the barely-bodies and scanty-skinned you need to get into shape. Hold it! Getting into shape suggests that at one unfathomable time or another, I actually was in shape. I’ve never really been in shape. I’m just a shape.
Once membership in the gym has been obtained, you need to keep up with those stair-climbing, bike-riding, treadmill-running, spin-class-attending, weight-pumping Barbie dolls. My friend Julia from work looks for aerobics classes with old ladies in it, just so she can keep up.
UGH! I need some frosting.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 2:03 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
She is just so effing annoying! You should feel really good about doing this breast cancer run. You’re a goddman humanitarian!
But listen, as much as I don’t like it when you put yourself down, I’ve got to say, what you just sent to me was hilarious. Really. You should be writing for magazines or something. You’re quite the clever gal, even if you do need to lose a few pounds. ;)
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 2:09 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Only a few? I heard it was 10! ;)
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 2:11 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Ha-larious! I’ve got to run Sweetie, as do you, apparently. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 9:12 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Of course we will support you Renee. Breast health is an issue very dear – and literally near – to my heart.
Hey! Look at that. I made a joke. I cc’d Shelley on here to show that I actually know what a joke is, and how to make one.
And I’m reminded of how much you’ve “grown” since grade school. (Lookie there. Another joke.) Remember Eric Phelps?
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 9:16 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Nice ones – oh and I don’t mean my boobs! Yes, thanks for the reminder about Eric Phelps.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 9:20 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I don’t know about Eric Phelps. Do tell. Please, do tell.
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 9:23 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
It was hilarious. He wrote something in Renee’s 7th grade yearbook about how she had tiny breasts and she cried and cried.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 9:24 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
That doesn’t sound hilarious. That sounds awful.
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 9:52 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
It was worse than awful. Eric was this tall, lanky kid with a huge nose and a blond bowl haircut. You know that expression that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Let’s just say Eric lived in a MANSION. Yet, he was ruthless.
He wrote, and I remember it distinctly, “Dear Renee. Good luck in 8th grade. Have a fun summer. From Eric Phelps. P.S. You are so flat.”
I remember crying my eyes out for days and weeks… basically all summer long. I prayed and prayed every day, “Dear Lord. Please, PLEASE, let me get boobies.”
It took until 12th grade – and believe me, those were 5 looooonng years – but I finally got ‘em. And as they say, be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true. As you well know, my cup runneth over.
Oh how I WISH Eric Phelps could see me now.
Even though the thought of that incident still hurts a wee bit, I guess it’s a good story now so I shouldn’t be complaining. All’s well that ends well, as they say, right? (Oh, and by the way, Shelley. That’s also from Shakespeare!)
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 10:30 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I didn’t mean to dredge up old and painful memories. It’s just that whenever I think about your breasts, not that it’s all that often, I think of that story.
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 11:56 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Oh, that’s okay. Remember the indignity of our senior prom? I probably never told you this one either, Shelley. I had a crush on this guy named Kevin. He was on the lacrosse team and we were good friends. But I secretly liked him. I told my friend Stacy that I really wanted him to ask me to the prom. She kept telling me that I should ask him.
Finally she said, if you don’t ask him, I will. I figured she was just being a good friend and giving me the push that I needed. Kind of like you do. I said, tonight I’ll do it. She said – and I remember like it was yesterday – she was going to bake cookies for a mutual friend’s birthday and to call her later.
I called Kevin and left a message with his flaky brother for him to call me back. Then I left a message for Stacy to call me back. Hours went by.
Finally, I get a call back from Kevin. He says, “Guess what? I’m going to the prom with Stacy.” I said, “WHAT?!?!” He replied, “Yeah, she baked cookies for me (!) and around each one was a note asking me to go to the prom with her.” With tears streaming down my face, I told him that I had to get some homework done and we’d catch up tomorrow.
A half hour later, who should call but Stacy. She tried to make it sound like she did nothing wrong. She said, “I told you I was going to ask him if you didn’t.” It was horrible. Needless to say, our friendship dissolved.
Turns out she and Kevin didn’t have a very good time. I think they both ended up getting drunk and puking through the night.
I ended up going to the prom with Mark. We had such fun. And he continues to be one of my best buds. So, again, all’s well that ends well.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 2:58 PM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Oh, Sweetie. That is AWFUL. And no, I surprisingly had never heard those stories before. But honestly, hearing these definitely helps put your self-deprecating put-downs into perspective. No wonder you’ve always knocked yourself – even your knockers. But remember, I’m your biggest fan and love you tons.
Now to the matter of th
ese childhood foes:
Eric Phelps sounds like a big dick with a small prick. I have no doubt he was – even at an early age – compensating for something. I’m sure we could come up with some form of justified retribution.
And regarding Stacy, what a goddam bitch! Had I been there, I would have kicked her ass. In fact, if you know where she lives, I can go do that for you now.
Having to go to your senior prom with Finlay? That’s the biggest injustice of all.
And with regard to all of this Shakespeare stuff, don’t be such a show off!
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 3:15 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Thanks Shelley. Thankfully I survived all of these indignities with my humor intact. And now, looking back, they do make for some hilarious and sympathy-inducing stories. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now if not for all of these experiences. So, it’s all good. Thanks for the offer to avenge my misery though. I appreciate it. I’ve got to run…literally. I’ve got to get into shape for this breast cancer run.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 3:19 PM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Go, go, go! Talk with you later Sweetie. Mwah! Mwah!
Chapter 9 – Penis Month
From: Renee Greene – July 24, 2012 – 7:32 PM