The Click Trilogy
Page 26
To: Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Mark Finlay
Subject: JURY SUMMONS
Crap! Just got a jury summons in the mail and I need to report in two weeks.
From: Mark Finlay – July 24, 2012 – 8:15 PM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, cassidy
Subject: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Okay, I know this is going to immediately elicit some major eye rolls, but I’ve served on jury duty and really liked it. It was such an interesting process and knowing that you are doing such an important public service is really cool.
I was on a 30-year-old murder case that was filled with drama. No, it’s wasn’t someone 30 years old. It was a case from 30 years ago. A man had killed someone and his brother rolled on him 30 years later as part of a plea deal on a major charge he was facing. One of the defendant’s daughters was set to testify. Her testimony was postponed a day and when she came in, her wrists were all bandaged up from what appeared to be a botched suicide attempt. It was fascinating.
From: cassidy – July 25, 2012 – 9:12 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Cc: Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Renee Greene
Subject: Re: JURY SUMMONS
oh mark. your so amazing. only you could make jury duty sound so interesting. even i want to do it now.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2012 – 9:15 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc:
Subject: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2012 – 9:22 AM
To: cassidy
Cc: Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Renee Greene
Subject: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Ooooh. Sounds very Law & Order. Okay. I’m in.
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2012 – 9:23 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Was that eye roll directed to Mark or Cassidy?
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2012 – 9:24 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Both!
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2012 – 9:25 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Ha! Ha!
From: Ashley Gordon – July 25, 2012 – 11:15 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Shelley Manning, Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, cassidy
Subject: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Guilty! Just say that and it will get you out of serving. Works for me every time.
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2012 – 12:15 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Ashley being judgmental without even having all of the information? Imagine that!
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2012 – 12:17 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Ha! Ha! You are on fire with the brutal comments today.
From: Shelley Manning – July 25, 2012 – 12:19 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
I try my best. And you know it’s all in good fun, right?
From: Renee Greene – July 25, 2012 – 12:20 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: JURY SUMMONS
Of course!
From: Shelley Manning – July 28, 2012 – 10:08 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: How goes it?
Hey, Sweetie. I meant to ask you last night how the training was going?
From: Renee Greene – July 28, 2012 – 10:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Slow. And I mean that both in terms of my progress and my speed. ;)
From: Shelley Manning – July 28, 2012 – 10:24 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Well, I’m just impressed that you aspire to be athletic.
From: Renee Greene – July 28, 2012 – 10:26 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Let me just say it’s way more like “perspire” than “aspire” but I’m chugging (and panting) away. Thanks for checking in, though. You are so sweet.
From: Shelley Manning – July 28, 2012 – 10:27 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Sweet? Are you confusing me with…yourself?
From: Renee Greene – July 28, 2012 – 10:29 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Don’t go getting all modest on me. Despite the tough exterior, foul mouth, short skirts and lengthy list of sexual partners, you really are – deep down – sweet.
From: Shelley Manning – July 28, 2012 – 10:31 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Awww. You sure know how to flatter a girl.
From: Renee Greene – July 28, 2012 – 10:33 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: How goes it?
Just being honest…brutally honest. ;) Gotta run and get to work. And then gotta run and get in shape. See you at Flint’s tonight.
From: Shelley Manning – July 28, 2012 – 10:34 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: How goes it?
I love the honesty. The more brutal the better. You know I like it rough. HA! Mwah! Mwah!
From: Shelley Manning – July 29, 2012 – 11:02 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: You okay?
I called you at the office today and they said you were out sick. Everything okay?
From: Renee Greene – July 29, 2012 – 12:25 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: You okay?
I have a major hangover. My head is throbbing like a preteen heart over the “boy band” flavor of the month. Ugh! Why did you let me drink so much? Actually, I didn’t even drink that much. For someone who weighs as much as I do, can I really be this much of a light weight?
From: Shelley Manning – July 29, 2012 – 12:31 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: You okay?
First, we need to start building up your tolerance more. Three drinks should not a hangover make.
Second, you do not weigh that much. So STOP IT! Sorry I had to yell. I know that probably made your headache worse. But, hangover or not, you’ve got to get it through your thick skull that you’re perfect the way you are.
From: Renee Greene – July 29, 2012 – 12:32 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: You okay?
I’m not feeling peppy enough for a pep talk. I’ll call you later.
From: cassidy – August 1, 2012 – 3:33 PM
To:
Subject: Fwd: Cat Fancy Subscription Daily Deal
heres a daily coupon deal for a one year subscription to cat fancy magazine for half off. great offer, so check it out.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Shelley Manning – August 1, 2012 – 4:04 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Cat Fancy Subscription Daily Deal
If she doesn’t stop sending me this cat crap, we are going to have a “cat”astrophe on our hands. I’m not joking!
From: Renee Greene – August 1, 2012 – 5:15 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Cat Fancy Subscription Daily Deal
Are you paws-itive you weren’t joking, because that was purr-ty funny?
(Sorry for the delay in responding. It took me a while to think of that reply.)
From: Shelley Manning
– August 1, 2012 – 5:19 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Fwd: Cat Fancy Subscription Daily Deal
I’m not kitten you. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:24 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Words to live by
You’re going to love this, Sweetie. I just got a new boss, who transferred from New York. His personal motto is Caffeine, Nicotine and Krispy Kreme.
From: Renee Greene – August 2, 2012 – 2:28 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Words to live by
OMG! I do love it. How super clever.
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:34 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Words to live by
I knew you’d like it. I think I could adopt that as my personal mantra as well – except for the nicotine part. You know I think smoking is a nasty habit (aside from the occasional cigar). Not only does it stink and result in cancer but it causes wrinkles. Wrinkles!
From: Renee Greene – August 2, 2012 – 2:36 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Words to live by
Those are indeed some horrid, horrid side effects. A new boss, eh? A new male boss. So…have you slept with him?
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:37 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Words to live by
WHAT?!? He’s my boss! No!
From: Renee Greene – August 2, 2012 – 2:37 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Words to live by
It hasn’t stopped you before.
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:38 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Words to live by
True. But, no! He’s like 50.
From: Renee Greene – August 2, 2012 – 2:38 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Words to live by
That hasn’t stopped you before either.
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:40 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Words to live by
True. Well, I’m just not attracted to him or interested in him. How’s that?
From: Renee Greene – August 2, 2012 – 2:41 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Words to live by
Okay. On another note, I’m having dinner with Cassidy this weekend. Want to join?
From: Shelley Manning – August 2, 2012 – 2:43 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Words to live by
That would be an emphatic “NO!” As she would say, “your” a glutton. Gotta get to work. And by work, I mean actual work. Onward!
From: Renee Greene – August 5, 2012 – 10:31 AM
To: cassidy
Subject: Fun!
It was great fun having dinner with you last night. Mu shu with you is time well spent. We’ll definitely have to hit Bamboo Garden again. Enjoy your Sunday.
From: cassidy – August 5, 2012 – 12:55 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fun!
it was fun. i look forward to doing it again soon.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 3:32 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Well…?
How was your dinner with cassidy? Ready to throw her to the wolves?
From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 3:38 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Well…?
It was really great. She’s very sweet. And Mark’s totally in love with her. We had fun talking about Mark and his idiosyncrasies, Ethan and his Buckeyes obsession, our crazy client situations, etc. She really is quite charming and I can see why Mark likes her so much.
From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 3:41 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Well…?
Humph! Gotta admit, I was hoping for something gossipy, juicy or just plain annoying.
From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:42 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Well…?
She did go on for about five full minutes about why white rice was so bad for me.
From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 4:44 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Well…?
Huh?!? You were at Bamboo Garden. What else were you going to eat?
From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:50 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Well…?
I know. Apparently, it’s all sugar and not good for losing weight or keeping it off. She kept saying, in that charming Southern accent, of course, “darlin’, that white rice will stick to your thighs like, well, white on rice.”
From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 4:53 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Well…?
Renee Michele Greene! You are beautiful and wonderful just the way you are. You do not need to lose weight. You hear me!
From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:58 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Well…?
I hear you. And honestly, I responded that on those reality shows where people are stranded on a tropical island and have to fight among each other for survival, they always eat white rice. And they always lose weight. That sort of shut her up.
From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 5:00 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Well…?
Ha-Larious! Talk with you later, Sweetie. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Renee Greene – August 10, 2012 – 10:11 AM
To: Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay
Subject: Penis Month
We need to rename August “Penis Month.”
About six months ago, we got a new account – GloCorp – which makes a nontoxic chemical that can be used in all sorts of glow-in-the-dark stuff from children’s toys to safety equipment. They wanted our help promoting this new technology to all sorts of industries. Sounds like a big snooze fest and up until now, it has been.
One company that took great notice of this new technology and was so impressed with our skills (insert pat-on-the-back here!) that they have hired us to help them promote their glow in the dark product.
The company is Alistra Corporation and I met with them in Ohio last month. Never heard of them? They make glow in the dark condoms. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, the market for glow in the dark condoms is large (no pun intended) and growing (again, no pun intended).
So, over the past two weeks, I, along with several men from our sister ad agency, have been sitting in on focus group testing and watching taped sessions (who knew that Tulsa is a condom-use hot spot?) where men are talking about condoms, condom use and their personal preference for glow-in-the-dark prophylactics.
It’s been hours upon hours of men talking about their personal junk and complaining that all of the condoms are too small. I mean, really? How did they seem to find all of the men in these cities who have exceptionally large penises.?
Shelley, you’ve been with a lot of men (no offense!) Is it statistically possible that we could find 30 of them who were all willing to talk about an intensely personal thing for a mere $50?
They’ve also talked about how it’s hard (Tee hee!) to open the “package” to get out the condom for their “package.”
It’s been afternoons of test subjects boasting and complaining, ad guys laughing and snorting, and me blushing and cringing.
I didn’t think it could get any worse. And considering I was set to start jury duty last week, I figured I had escaped the talk of men and their junk. No such luck!
You see, I am assigned to a case where a man is suing his doctor for misdiagnosing him with the wrong sexually transmitted d
isease. Now, I’m not supposed to be talking about this case to anyone yet, as we haven’t heard all of the testimony or started our deliberations. But I can’t seem to control myself. And apparently, the plaintiff hasn’t been able to control himself either.
His doctor diagnosed him with genital warts and genital herpes, when in fact, he only has genital warts. See, the genital herpes was a false positive, likely from cold sores he also suffers from.
The plaintiff is claiming that being diagnosed with both warts and herpes has created an incredible emotional distress and that his doctor has committed malpractice. We’ve heard and seen (let’s just say – EW! GROSS!) lots of testimony about this man’s personal junk.
Oh, and did I forget to mention his name is Mr. Clapperton? No lie! Mr. Clapperton! The outrageously humorous fact that Mr. Clapperton (!) has gotten the “clap” seems to be lost on everyone in the courtroom but me, who can’t seem to contain my juvenile giggles.
He totally reminds me of Larry from Three’s Company, who I always imagined must have had a case or two of the clap, too.
And really, if that’s the case, shouldn’t we be looking for a jury of his peers – you know, some dumb people who get easily confused by lame misunderstandings! Oh wait, that appears to be the jury pool I’m sitting in. Definitely the “shallow end” of the jury pool. UGH!
At this point, I’ve been sitting in the deliberation room for more than an hour waiting for the judge to rule on whether an expert witness can testify. Seriously, people! We’ve already spent 4 days listening to this case. Aren’t there more important matters of jurisprudence we should be considering?