The Click Trilogy
Page 27
Judge just called us back in. The “Month of the Penis” continues. As Shelley would say, “Onward” with pub absolutely intended.
From: Shelley Manning – August 10, 2012 – 11:30 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Penis Month
OMG! I’m about to pee my pants. For real! Your stories are always funny but this is beyond hilarithetic! In response to your question directed to me: first off, no offense taken. I happily take pride in my personal record. And second, yes, the men who are cheap enough to “expose” themselves personally like that for 50 bucks are also the ones who think they have large dicks.
From: Mark Finlay – August 10, 2012 – 12:54 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
If I think I have a large one, I’m cheap? Is that what you’re saying? Hmm. I’d like to think I’m a frugal and slightly-above average male. And what is hilarithetic?
From: PBCupLover – August 10, 2012 – 1:15 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Cc: Renee Greene, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Well, as they say, “One person’s junk is another person’s treasure.”
From: Renee Greene – August 10, 2012 – 6:30 PM
To: PBCupLover
Cc: Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay Shelley Manning, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
LMAO Ethan! And Mark, “hilarithetic” is something so pathetic it’s hilarious. A phrase recently coined by Shelley. Like?
From: Mark Finlay – August 11, 2012 – 8:12 AM
To: PBCupLover
Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Nope. Don’t like. Love!
From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 10:32 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
HA! Good one, Finlay. You too Ethan.
From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 10:34 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Cassidy?
Ugh! Do you notice that Finlay keeps adding Cassidy in on our emails. Will he just stop pushing her down our throats!
From: Mark Finlay – August 11, 2012 – 11:13 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Thanks, Shelley. Probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to my face. (Well, you know what I mean).
From: Renee Greene – August 11, 2012 – 12:32 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Cassidy?
You saying something nice to Mark. Wow! And you saying something not so nice about Cassidy. Is there something going on here I should know about? And regarding him pushing her down our throats, I can’t believe you wrote that but didn’t make some sexual comment. Are you losing your touch?
From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 12:40 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Cassidy?
You know, I didn’t even think about that sexually. Maybe there is something wrong with me. But seriously, Renee – there is nothing going on that you need to know about. Just let it go.
From: Ashley Gordon – August 13, 2012 – 9:13 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, PBCupLover, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
I needed a good laugh. Totally reminds me of that summer you worked at the candy school in high school and had to make all of those pink chocolate penis pacifiers.
From: PBCupLover – August 13, 2012 – 9:18 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, Mark Finlay, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Pink penis pacifiers? This is a story I’ve GOT to hear. Spill it, Babe!
From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 10:32 AM
To: PBCupLover
Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Oh, Ashley. I completely forgot about that. That truly was the summer of the penis. So here’s the scoop.
I spent the summer working at a small candy store in the Valley. It was a perfect job for me. My boss encouraged me to try everything. She wanted me to be able to recommend things to the customers. I thought I would get sick of chocolate after a few weeks…and I did. Then I made my way through the gummy candies, jawbreakers, jelly beans, taffy and by the time I got back around to chocolate again, I was amped and ready to go. But I digress. (And before you say anything Mark, I know. I ramble. But I’m sitting in the jury room awaiting instructions from the judge and I have all the time in the world.)
Anyway, in addition to selling all kinds of candy and chocolates, we made custom chocolates. People would come in and order chocolate golf balls, champagne bottles or teddy bear lollipops for various gifts, functions and parties. And we had some x-rated molds. Just your typical body parts.
We had a sign behind the cash register that read, “Ask to see adult chocolates.” Being a candy store, we couldn’t have chocolate boobs and penises lying about. Well, the sign was fairly large and easily readable from behind the counter. People were too embarrassed to ask to see them. They would squint their eyes and read the sign aloud as if they were struggling to see it. Again, the sign was definitely big enough to read without assistance or struggle.
I, being the polite and helpful salesperson that I am, would then say, “Would you like to see them?” to which they would reply, “Well, since you offered.” And then they would buy something! It was hilarithetic!
This one woman came in and placed an order for 50 lollipops that looked like pacifiers but actually had a penis on them. She wanted them in light pink chocolate for a bridal shower. Classy. And I had to make them. It was the most entertaining summer of my life.
From: PBCupLover – August 13, 2012 – 11:15 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Sounds ri“dick”ulous. I hope this doesn’t “rub you” the wrong way and you don’t get “pissed,” but I think you make this shit up, Babe. And I love you for it.
From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 12:02 PM
To: PBCupLover
Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
HA! I love it. RiDICKulous indeed. But seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I’m honestly not that clever. It’s just the sad commentary that is my life.
From: Shelley Manning – August 13, 2012 – 12:51 PM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
You’ve always been a hard working stiff, Sweetie.
From: Mark Finlay – August 13, 2012 – 1:23 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: PBCupLover, Renee Greene, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Was the customer’s name Mrs. Johnson?
From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 1:50 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Cc: PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
I think there is more of this to come, no?
From: Ashley Gordon – August 13, 2012 – 3:00 PM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, cassidy
Subject: Re: Penis Month
It must be so hard for you. OMG! I can’t believe I just said that. Pregnancy hormones just bring out a new side of me.
From: cassidy –
August 13, 2012 – 4:52 PM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Renee Greene, Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Penis Month
well what do you expect ashley when your too best friends are a couple of nuts?
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 5:28 PM
To: cassidy
Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Penis Month
Enough! Enough! I’m completely beaten.
From: Renee Greene – August 17, 2012 – 2:43 PM
To: Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, cassidy
Subject: And the verdict is…
Before we get there, just a little context on the trial of the century. (Okay, it’s only been eight days. But seriously people. Eight days! Feels like a century.)
The crux of the plaintiff’s case is that a more expensive (and presumably thorough) herpes test would have told Mr. Clapperton that he had herpes, but the cold sore form and not the genital kind. Both the plaintiff and the defendant put on witnesses (yes, plural!) that their chosen test was the standard of care by which doctors should treat patients and malpractice suits should be judged.
Mr. Clapperton’s attorney gave his closing argument and tried to persuade us that $100 dollars – the cost difference in the tests – would have saved poor Mr. Clapperton the heartache and embarrassment of thinking he was suffering from both genital herpes and warts. To make his point, this bespectacled doppelganger for Rick Moranis slapped down a $100 bill on the railing of the jury box – right in front of me.
All I could think was, “spare me the histrionics, you goober!” I’ve seen enough Law & Order reruns to know that’s crap.
So we voted in favor of the doctor, who honestly was quite a jerk. Seems like Mr. Clapperton was not an easy patient to deal with. Once he told him his test came in and it said he tested positive, the doctor delivered the news and then told him he needed to find a new doctor. He never communicated to him that false positives – because of cold sores – were common. (Yikes! I know way more about herpes than I ever dreamed I would!)
If I were the attorney, (and again, knowing how many Law & Order reruns I’ve watched, I’m pretty sure I could have tried and won this case), I would have argued that the standard of care was telling your patient to get a second opinion because his cold sores could be making a false positive.
After the trial was over, we were invited to meet with the attorneys to answer any questions we had about the case and to field any questions they had about our deliberations. I was tempted to bring it up, but feared it would spark another Clapperton lawsuit – this one against his attorney – that would subject one of you to this insane form of public service/torture.
And that, my friends, should end Penis Month. I hope!
From: Shelley Manning – August 17, 2012 – 3:41 PM
To: Renee Greene; PBCupLover; Mark Finlay; Ashley Price Gordon; cassidy
Subject: And the verdict is…
And, as you would say, that I would say…Onward!
From: Renee Greene – August 17, 2012 – 3:42 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: And the verdict is…
Upward!
From: Shelley Manning – August 17, 2012 – 3:42 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: And the verdict is…
:)
Chapter 10 – Out of Sight, Out of Mind?
From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:02 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Forgiven?
Are you talking to me yet?
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:04 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
No!
From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:06 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
Well, at least you responded. That’s a start. ;)
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:08 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
Don’t think you can add a little “wink” icon and think all is forgiven. You’re cute in person but I’m royally pissed off and your charm isn’t translating into email.
From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:09 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
C’mon. I’ve apologized over and over. Again, I’M SORRY!
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:15 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
I know. It’s not your fault. Work is important. Work is for our future. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t want to hear it right now. And don’t give me some B.S. that you’ll “make it up to me” because Friday night was the “making it up to me” night out.
From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:32 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
I don’t know what else to do. I can’t continue to apologize. As you already stated – although I know you were being totally sarcastic – I have to work. It’s a start-up. We are trying to prepare for an IPO. I’m the CFO. My future at this company, in the workforce, and in general financially, is all riding on this.
Work is kicking my ass right now. And, as a result, it’s kicking yours, too, and I am sorry for that. But I don’t have a choice. You can either be understanding about this or be pissed. But I’m done apologizing.
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:48 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
So I’m not being understanding when I expect that my boyfriend will: a) spend time with me; b) keep his word; c) not fall asleep when we’re about to have sex. Should I go on?!?
From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 11:12 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Forgiven?
One time. One time I was too tired to have sex. Do you know how many times you have told me you were too tired? And do I give you constant shit about it?
I know it’s been frustrating. But do you think I like working this much? Do you think I’d rather be sitting at my computer, crunching numbers and on endless conference calls than being with you? Is this really how I want to spend a Saturday?
These insanely long hours at work are temporary. But it is my “now.” And now I’ve got to get back to work. You can yell at me tonight if I make it home at all.
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 11:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
Can you believe this?!?! We were supposed to go out last night to Marnie’s Bistro for dinner to make up for the previous, I-don’t-know-how-many times he’s cancelled on me and he cancelled AGAIN!
Then he tells me I’m not being understanding. I could literally scream. In fact, I think I will. Did you hear it? I know I’m all of the way across LA, but it was pretty loud.
Honestly, Shel. It’s like I don’t even have a boyfriend. Maybe this relationship isn’t going to work.
From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:17 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
Sweetie, I can certainly hear the frustration in your voice. No, I didn’t hear your scream across town, but I imagined a movie scene where pigeons fly from an empty town square at the enormity of your shriek. Seriously, I can totally see that you are angry and upset.
However (did you sense that coming?), I think Ethan’s sort of right. Hey, if you come to me with something, you know I’m going to give it to you straight.
Clearly, he’s working very hard and neglecting you. But it’s not like you have to worry that he’s cheating on you. The boy loves you and this is a temporary thing. He’s doing this because it is an amazing opportunity that will poise him for
great things down the road professionally and personally.
So if you want my advice – which I’m assuming you did, otherwise you wouldn’t have had me do a virtual eavesdrop on your lover’s quarrel – cut the boy some slack.
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:24 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
Et tu, Brute? (yes, Shakespeare again!)
And I never even considered he might be cheating. Not until just now?!?! I mean, he’s joked in the past that he’s too busy to cheat and I always joke back that I’m glad there’s a good reason he’s stayed faithful. But that could certainly explain why he’s been so distant and tired.
From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:43 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
Honestly, Renee! Do you really think Ethan would cheat on you? The boy is crazy about you. There’s absolutely no way he would even consider being with someone else.
Pul-leaze! You know I’m your biggest fan, Sweetie, but you are not always easy to love. Sometimes you can be a bit…
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:44 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
…Neurotic? Crazy? Difficult?
From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:45 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?
Um…yes to all. ;)
From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:54 PM