The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  ‘You could tell that from the footprints?’

  ‘It had been raining so there was quite a lot of mud. One of the prints had a logo on it. Some kind of weird squiggle.’ He stood up and walked to a nearby mirror, then breathed on it before drawing the logo in the steam. I squinted. It looked oddly familiar but I couldn’t place it. ‘We’ve had quite a few problems in the past with sheep rustling. Only one animal seemed to be missing but that didn’t mean whoever took it wouldn’t be back for more.’

  ‘Sheep rustling? That’s still a thing?’

  ‘You’d be surprised,’ he answered grimly. ‘Anyway, I tracked the footprints for a mile or so up an embankment and onto Dead Man’s Hill. It’s called that because it’s not far from the cemetery.’ His expression took on a morose cast. ‘Or that used to be the reason.’ He sighed heavily. ‘The first thing I saw didn’t make any sense. I thought it was a stick at first. But when I got closer there were some … bits attached to it.’ He looked green. ‘Flesh,’ he whispered. ‘Blood. I think it was a rib. I still didn’t have any reason to believe it was human. In fact, I wondered if a dog might have got hold of the sheep somehow. Old man Jones at the other end of town has a bloody husky which … never mind.’

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any more but I’d promised Winter. ‘So you kept on going?’ I asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I wish to God I hadn’t. I really do. It wasn’t much further before there was more blood. A lot more blood. When I saw the hand, I knew for sure that this wasn’t about the sheep.’

  I swallowed. ‘It was … dismembered?’

  ‘And chewed. At least three of the fingers had definite bite marks.’ He looked at me. ‘They didn’t look like they’d been caused by an animal.’

  ‘You think they were human?’

  He was so quiet I had to strain to hear him. ‘I do.’ His voice cracked. ‘Just beyond the hand there was a head. The eyes…’ He shook his head, the horror too great to put into words. ‘And the smell was horrific. I’ve dealt with dead animals before, it comes as part of my job. But this was something different. It feels like the reek of it is still caught in my nostrils. Decaying and sickly sweet.’ He stared at me. ‘I don’t know if it will ever go away.’

  That was interesting. I knew from the files that Benjamin Alberts had been missing for less than five hours before his body was discovered. Even with the little I knew about forensic pathology, it didn’t seem possible that he could have already smelled that badly. Unless Gareth had magnified it in his mind because of the trauma of what he’d seen.

  ‘For a second, I couldn’t move,’ he told me. ‘It felt like an hour but it was probably only a minute or two. Then I turned and ran back down to the farm and called the police. They did the rest.’

  ‘I’m so sorry it was you who found him,’ I said softly.

  He avoided my gaze. ‘I keep thinking I shouldn’t be feeling like this. After all, I’m fine. I didn’t get hurt. I didn’t know the guy who was killed.’ He pressed the base of his palms against his temples as if he could drive out the images of what he’d seen by sheer physical force. ‘But I can’t get it out of my head. It’s always there. I don’t know what to do. Can’t you help me? If you’re a witch, maybe you can make me forget. There must be some potion or herbs you can give me which will make all this go away.’

  There were certainly herbs that could dull the sensation of memory. They were a weak salve at best, however; once they wore off, the returning trauma was often worse than before. And runes wouldn’t help. Not here.

  ‘There’s no magic spell,’ I told him honestly. ‘But I do know someone who might be able to help. Just give me a few moments.’

  I slid my phone out of my pocket and stepped away from him. There was a heaving grunt from a man straining to lift a set of weights so I moved further towards the door.

  ‘Hey Iqbal,’ I said, once he answered.

  ‘Ivy, baby! How’s it hanging?’

  ‘Not too bad. How’s that thesis?’

  He sounded smug. ‘I’ve managed to get an extension. I told my supervisor that my grandmother had died.’

  ‘Didn’t she pass away a few years ago?’

  ‘You’re thinking of the time I skipped lectures for a fortnight and told everyone she’d been attacked by a shark while surfing in Australia. She’s still very much alive. More’s the pity. She keeps trying to throw girls my way. She can’t wait for me to settle down and have a gazillion kids. And she makes me wear these horrid knitted jumpers all year round. I swear she must think I’m ten-stone heavier than I am. They’re always massive. And I reckon she makes a special effort to buy wool that is specially itchy.’

  ‘How terrible for you.’

  ‘I know, right?’ I could almost hear him grinning. ‘Anyway, I’m going to assume because of the late hour that this is not a social call. You want my help again, right?’

  ‘I do. Not for myself this time, though, so no karaoke requests.’

  ‘But the last one went so well! If it hadn’t been for that night, you and sexy Raphael Winter would never have got it together. How is he doing? Have you set a date yet?’

  I snorted. ‘Hardly. Listen, do you still have the number for that counsellor woman?’

  ‘Julia? The pneumatic kisser?’

  ‘That’s the one.’ Iqbal might have found her a bit overly energetic but she was damned good at her job. And I was sure I’d heard she had moved up to Scotland. ‘I could do with getting in touch with her.’

  Iqbal dropped all his joking. ‘Why? Is everything alright?’

  ‘Like I said, it’s not for me.’

  ‘Hang on a minute.’ I waited a few beats before he came back on the line and reeled off a phone number.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘No problemo. Are you sure you’re okay?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah. Although…’ I paused. I’d trust Iqbal with my life but what I was about to say made me feel like an idiot.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, I’m with Winter on a job. Things are pretty awkward between us. I think he likes me and I know I like him. But how do I broach the subject without scaring him off? I’m not with the Order and I’m not technically his partner any more, so there’s no real reason why we can’t be together. You’re a guy. Should I wait for him to make a move? What if he doesn’t?’

  ‘Ivy?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘This is Ivy, right? Ivy Wilde? The woman who does whatever she wants when she wants?’

  ‘Uh…’

  ‘You really do like him.’ Iqbal’s voice was full of wonder. ‘When have you bothered this much about a guy before?’

  I coughed. Raphael Winter had sneaked into my head and, with his typical tenacity, he wasn’t letting go. ‘Never mind.’

  ‘Ivy Wilde, are you in love?’

  ‘Let’s talk about something else.’

  ‘Is there anything else?’

  ‘No.’ I hesitated. ‘Actually, wait, there is something.’ I told him about the vial Belinda Battenapple wore around her neck. ‘Do you know what it is?’

  ‘No. I can look it up, if you want.’

  ‘I’d appreciate it.’

  ‘I’ll do what I can and get back to you.’ There was a beat. ‘Ivy, are you sure you’re alright? You sound … different.’

  I shrugged. ‘I’m fine. I’d better go.’

  ‘Look after yourself.’

  ‘Always. Cheerio, Iqqy.’

  I jabbed in the number for Julia, whose last name completely escaped me. When she answered with a purr, it was clear she’d been expecting someone very different. I hastily re-introduced myself and outlined Gareth’s problems without telling her any real specifics.

  ‘He needs to see someone, Ivy,’ she said. ‘Someone professional. I know someone who works up in that region. She’s brilliant. Give me your friend’s number and I’ll get her to give him a call.’

  ‘You’re the best.’

  ‘I know.’

  I stro
de back to Gareth and passed the phone over to him so he could give her his details. He was somewhat taken aback that so many strangers seemed willing to help him out, but I knew that if I didn’t force him to get help he’d keep going on his own until he cracked completely. I could manage a few phone calls. He was the one who’d have to really work hard. Maybe sometimes we all need a bit of a nudge.

  Chapter Nine

  I snuggled up into my duvet feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. All in all, I reckoned it had been a good day’s work. I might have run around like a mad thing for the first part but I’d played the role of runner to perfection. I’d potentially saved two teenage boys from cancer, not to mention that I’d found Gareth the help he needed to return to a sane and normal life.

  Of course, I didn’t want to have to work this hard every day. I probably ought to give myself the day off tomorrow after doing so well. It was only fair.

  I stretched out, enjoying the sensation of drifting into blissful sleep. This was what I needed. This was what it was about. Glorious, uninterrupted slumber. I sighed contentedly.

  ‘Ivy!’

  I frowned. As much as I liked Amy, there were limits. I ignored her whisper. I was sleeping; this was not the time for girly chats. If she wanted a bedtime story, she could go and find Mazza. I was sure he’d be very happy to oblige.

  Unfortunately, my room-mate wasn’t about to give up. ‘Ivy! Can you see that?’

  No. I was sleeping. My eyes were closed. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t want to see anything.

  ‘It’s right outside our window!’

  Whatever was there, she was starting to sound alarmed. As long as it was outside, I didn’t care.

  Then the room phone rang. Amy yelped. I heard her pick up the receiver and answer cautiously. ‘Hello?’

  Didn’t she know anything? You should never pick up the phone at night time. It only invited problems that could almost always wait until daylight. Preferably after noon.

  ‘She’s sleeping.’

  Uh-oh. I felt an unpleasant squirm deep in the pit of my stomach.

  ‘What? I can’t throw water over her!’

  Arse. I sighed and sat up. ‘Give it here,’ I said reluctantly. Wide-eyed, she passed over the phone. ‘Winter,’ I said. ‘I love you to bits but it’s the middle of the night. I need to sleep.’

  ‘How did you know it was me?’ he asked.

  Because I’m not a complete idiot; no one else would be rash enough to try and phone me at this hour. I tutted into the phone.

  ‘Never mind,’ he said. ‘I need to know what your new friend told you. The one who found the body. I waited ages for you to show up.’

  ‘Really?’ I grinned.

  His response was terse. ‘Of course. We’re here on serious business, Ivy.’

  As if I’d forget. ‘I know that. That’s why it’s very important that I get enough sleep to function like a human being instead of a zombie tomorrow. He didn’t say anything you wouldn’t expect.’

  I shot a glance at Amy. She was watching me with her arms wrapped round her knees, apparently concerned that this was some type of family emergency. I had to be careful how much I said on the phone; I didn’t want to give the poor girl nightmares that might interrupt my sleep even more. ‘What he saw was very nasty.’

  ‘Did he give you a location?’

  Hang on a minute. There was a business-like tone to Winter’s voice that had me worried. He’d better not be planning what I thought he was. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good. That’s what I was hoping for. Meet me downstairs in five minutes and we can go and check it out.’

  Before I even began to tell him what a plonker he was, he hung up. I stared at the silent phone, half-expecting Winter to start speaking again and tell me he was joking. Of course, that didn’t happen.

  I replaced the handset and lay down. There was no way I was going out at this hour to meet him. Midnight trysts were not my thing, even with Winter.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ Amy asked tentatively.

  ‘Fine.’ Hopefully my terse response would encourage her to lie down and go back to sleep. I closed my eyes. Back to dreamland.

  A moment later, I sat back up again. Huffing, I swung my legs out of bed and scrabbled around for my clothes. All I was going to do was to tell him what an idiot he was and that tramping around the Scottish Highlands at this hour was a stupid idea. Then I was going back to sleep.

  It might have been close to summertime but this was Scotland. My breath clouded in the air and the shock of the cold was almost enough to wake me up. Almost.

  Winter was waiting for me underneath a street lamp, looking for all the world like some kind of old-school detective. Or crazed stalker. Frankly, it could have gone either way. I yawned in his direction.

  ‘I really don’t think this is a good time to go wandering about a great big hill,’ I told him in no uncertain terms.

  He didn’t acknowledge my complaint; instead, he cast a critical eye up and down. ‘You can’t wear your pyjamas. Even with that coat on, you’ll still get cold.’

  ‘I’m wearing my pyjamas because I’m going back to bed. Winter, even you can’t think this is a good idea.’

  His expression was blank. ‘There’s no other time. You’ll be busy working during the day. In fact, now there’s been a bloody pentagram, I will be too. If we want to check out the murder site, this is the only time we can do it.’

  Except I didn’t want to check out the murder site, I wanted to go back to bed. ‘The police will have been all over it with a fine toothcomb. There won’t be anything to see. Not any more.’

  Winter arched an eyebrow. ‘No witches have been permitted access, Ivy. Do you really think that the police, regardless of how competent they are, will be able to recognise spell traces? Do you think they’d notice if there were some stray herb sprinkles amongst the grass? Would they…’

  Bloody hell. ‘Enough,’ I said. ‘Give me five minutes and I’ll change my clothes.’ This was an argument I wasn’t going to win.

  Just about the only positive to this venture was that Winter had somehow managed to procure a motorbike. He muttered something about borrowing it from the proprietor of his B&B. When he initially refused to let me drive it, I pointed out that driving was what I did for a living and that I hadn’t told him where we were going yet. What I didn’t mention was that I’d never driven a motorbike before. There was a first time for everything.

  ‘I’d have thought,’ Winter shouted in my ear as I revved the engine, ‘that you’d take the opportunity to sit back and not do anything. If I drove, you’d be able to relax.’

  True. But if he drove, we’d go at snail’s pace and he’d probably want to stop to examine random trees or pick rare herbs just in case they would come in useful in the future. With me in charge, we’d get there and back much more quickly. After all, I had to get some sleep at some point.

  It was also rather nice having Winter hold my waist. When he almost fell off the back and took me with him, however, I decided I was less enamoured of the situation.

  ‘Slow down!’ he yelled in my ear as we careened away from the hotel.

  ‘I can’t hear you!’ I shouted back and sped up. This was fun. It helped that the roads were empty. Maybe I should get out and about in the Highlands of Scotland in the dead of night more often.

  Nah.

  From what Gareth had told me, I had an idea about how to get to Dead Man’s Hill. There were enough signposts for the cemetery and, when we reached it, I spotted a small dirt track leading up the slope behind it. That had to be what we were looking for. It looked less like a hill and more like a damn mountain that would give Everest a run for its money.

  Yet again I pretended not to hear Winter when he shouted that we could walk from here and nudged the bike upwards. I was going to use horsepower to get as close as we possibly could. I kept going upwards, stopping only when I was forced to.

  ‘What the hell?’ Winter ground out when I turned off the
engine and he slipped off the back.

  ‘There’s too much mud. The wheels are spinning.’

  He peered at me through the darkness. ‘That was not what I meant and you know it. You drive like a demon, Ivy.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  Winter growled, ‘You should have left the bike at the bottom of the hill.’

  I blinked. ‘But then we’d have had to walk all the way.’

  ‘Now the bike is all dirty.’

  ‘So wash it when we get back.’ Preferably while wearing a white T-shirt, which would quickly get soaked, and when I was watching from a comfortable vantage point. I patted him on the arm. ‘Come on. I think it’s this way.’

  ‘Then let’s get going.’ With his usual gait, Winter took off at a tremendous speed, scaling the hill as if it were nothing more than a gentle incline. I followed after him, my determination to get this over and done dissipating in the face of the immediate ache in my calves.

  ‘Slow down,’ I called to Winter.

  His response was immediate. ‘I can’t hear you!’

  Ha. Ha. Ha. I gritted my teeth and ploughed upwards. Who the hell murdered someone up a mountain? It would have been far more convenient to use the cemetery – at least then it would have been a one-stop shop.

  Huffing and puffing, I glanced back down. With the gravestones just visible in the moonlight, it looked more picturesque than creepy. ‘It can’t,’ I heaved, ‘be a coincidence,’ I paused again for breath, ‘that the murder took,’ I gasped, ‘place here.’

  Winter finally stopped and turned. ‘What on earth is wrong with you?’

  I doubled over and tried to bring more air into my lungs.

  He snorted. ‘If you went to the gym…’

  My bottom lip curled. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ I straightened up. ‘The locals call this place Dead Man’s Hill. It’s probably got nothing to do with the graveyard and everything to do with the fact that you feel like a dead man when you climb it. In any case, it can’t be a coincidence. This spot is poetically apt.’

  ‘So you think our murderer is a local?’