The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  ‘Not necessarily. But I bet it’s someone with local knowledge.’

  ‘I think that’s a given.’

  I clutched my chest. Winter peered at me. ‘Are you having a heart attack now?’

  ‘I might be. I’m just so shocked that you agree with me.’

  His eyes fixed on mine, their brilliant blue piercing, despite the darkness. ‘Stranger things have happened.’ He held out his hand. ‘I’ll help you up the rest of the way.’

  Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I gladly accepted his help. His hand was warm and firm and, as we walked further up the hill avoiding the odd rabbit hole and clods of random turf, I couldn’t shake the delicious shiver that was running down my spine. ‘What kind of moisturiser do you use?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Your skin is very soft.’

  Winter paused before speaking. ‘Sometimes, Ivy Wilde, you are very strange.’

  ‘But you like me really.’

  This time there was an even longer silence. ‘Yes,’ he said finally. ‘I do like you.’

  I took in a deep breath. It was now or never. Act your age, Ivy, not your shoe size. ‘Rafe,’ I said quietly. ‘Can you stop a minute?’

  He did as I asked, turning to face me. ‘What is it?’

  A cloud passed in front of the moon, blocking out the last of the little light. For once, I was glad that I couldn’t see Winter’s face. This would be easier, I decided, when I couldn’t judge his immediate reaction. Not to mention that he wouldn’t be able to see how red my cheeks were, although they felt hot enough that I was probably casting my own glow.

  ‘I’ve been meaning to say this for some time but,’ I gulped in more air, ‘I was a bit scared. The thing is that I like you too.’ I swallowed. ‘What I mean is I…’

  From out of nowhere, a huge shape emerged from the darkness to our left. It collided with Winter, throwing him to the ground. I caught the barest glimpse of dark skin, a mane of hair and long claw-like nails flashing towards him with murderous intent before I acted. Screeching like a banshee, I threw out three runes in quick succession.

  The first sent out a single gust of wind strong enough to send our attacker off-balance. He swayed violently to one side as the second rune took hold and the roots of a nearby clump of heather rose up and wrapped themselves around one bony thigh and completed the job of pulling him off Winter. The third was a protective barrier, shielding both of us from the bastard’s next move.

  I yanked Winter to his feet. He was breathing heavily and there were four raked cuts down his cheek, blood dripping from each one. ‘Get back, Ivy.’

  I moved in front of him. He was injured; this wasn’t the time for gentlemanly heroics. There was a rustle as whoever had attacked us broke free from the heather and sprang up again to face us. I stared at him, horror reverberating through my veins. Yes, he was male. And, yes, he looked vaguely human – but the emphasis was on vaguely.

  He had long straggly hair that covered his face, which was probably just as well given the state of the skin on his hands. There were pus-filled sores and his nails were an extraordinary length. He was on all fours, like some kind of animal. A continuous guttural snarl emitted from his throat and the reek that wafted from him was almost enough to make me pass out.

  None of those were the worst things about him, though. What really sent a chill through me was that he was wearing a smart double-breasted suit, complete with red-spotted tie and a matching handkerchief peeking out from his top pocket. It was like being faced with a monster from Savile Row. A real monster.

  I barely had time to take in all these details before he lunged again. His body smacked against my magical barrier and I felt the magic in it waver. It wouldn’t last long.

  Winter stepped up next to me. ‘Goddamnit, Ivy, get back!’ He raised his hands, drawing his own runes.

  ‘They won’t…’ I began. I didn’t get the chance to finish. Fire plumed upwards, singeing the ward and falling short uselessly. There was no such thing as a one-way barrier. It protected us from the monster man but it also protected the monster man from us.

  Winter hissed out an expletive. ‘Release the ward spell,’ he yelled as we were subjected to another frustrated attempt at an attack.

  ‘If I release the spell,’ I argued, ‘then we’re dead.’ I wasn’t even sure why I was bothering to refuse. It’d probably take the bastard facing us fewer than three attempts to bring it down completely.

  Winter’s jaw clenched. ‘Fine. On the count of three, you start running back down the hill. Go and get help from the town. I’ll hold him off until then.’

  That was about the most nonsensical thing I’d ever heard – for many reasons. ‘You know I can’t run,’ I told him.

  ‘Ivy, this is not the time.’

  I drew back my shoulders. ‘No, it’s not. Because if you think I’m leaving you here alone with that thing, then you’re doolally.’

  ‘Doo what?’

  The monster man threw his head back and screamed. For a fleeting moment, his face was visible – what remained of it. I saw a swarm of maggots in the soft flesh of his cheek and little more than dark holes where his eyes should have been. I swallowed hard and tried not to vomit.

  ‘Doolally,’ I whispered. ‘Whatever this thing is, it’s going to take both of us to bring it down.’

  Winter didn’t answer immediately. I wondered whether he was still going to argue the point. Instead he gave me a small, tight nod. ‘Fire,’ he said. ‘Fire will stop it in its tracks. If you release the ward, I’ll cast out enough fire to cremate it to kingdom come.’

  I shook my head. ‘It’ll die with fire but it’ll take too long. It’ll be on us before it collapses and we’ll end up getting burnt too.’

  The monster man snorted, as if he thought both of us were being ridiculous. Still on all fours and moving with the litheness of a cat, he began to circle round us apparently searching for weaknesses in the ward.

  ‘We’re running out of time. We need something.’

  ‘Tell me something I don’t know.’

  Winter reached into his pocket. ‘Calendula flowers. They’ll offer us some protection.’

  Not much. I nodded, however. The energy I’d expelled in order to cast the three runes was costing me and my whole body felt drained and weak. Even if I wanted to run away and leave Winter to it, I wasn’t sure I could. ‘We have to work together,’ I said in a strained voice.

  Winter shot me a quick look of concern. ‘Yes.’

  ‘We need to stop the thing. We don’t necessarily have to kill it.’

  His left eyebrow twitched slightly. I had the feeling there was something he wasn’t telling me but there wasn’t time to pursue it now. ‘Not fire then.’ He paused. ‘Ice.’

  That could work. I stretched out my hands. There was enough moisture in the air, I reckoned. Just.

  The monster man began to growl. He was preparing for something. He threw himself down to the ground and began to scrabble in the earth at the base of the barrier, as if he’d decided that he couldn’t go through it so he might as well go under it. Every time he touched the ward, the magic flickered. We had seconds.

  ‘Use the calendula. I’ll release the spell.’

  Winter agreed. ‘I’ll draw on the water in the air.’

  ‘And I’ll draw a rune to drop the temperature.’ I nodded. This could work.

  Winter reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it. ‘We’ll be fine.’

  ‘Sure.’ I smiled unconvincingly. ‘No problem.’

  ‘Aim for its feet and legs,’ he advised.

  The monster gave up on its scrabble and reared back before launching itself at the ward once more. The second after it crashed into it I sketched out the rune to dissipate the barrier; at the same time Winter threw the calendula in an arc in front of us. The monster grunted and heaved itself back onto its hands and feet. Winter drew his own runes and the molecules in the air almost immediately coalesced. The monster threw back its head,
displaying a slashed, maniacal grin, then it lunged just as a wash of water rose up to meet it.

  ‘Now, Ivy!’

  I wasted no more time. Hastily flicking out a double-handed rune, I forced Winter’s water to freeze. The magic was fast. Winter pulled me backwards as the monster’s claws scraped towards us. Then it fell heavily to the ground with its feet and legs encased in a large chunk of ice.

  It groaned – but it wasn’t giving up. It stretched out its arms, flailing towards both Winter and me as if it thought it could still catch us. There was enough ice to hold it in place for an hour or two. That would give us time to work out what to do next.

  I walked over and crouched down beside its head. It wasn’t easy; the smell of putrefying flesh surrounding it was extraordinary. A troubled thought pricked at the back of my mind but I pushed it away. This monster man was unlike anything I’d ever dreamt of but that didn’t mean I should start thinking the impossible.

  ‘Careful, Ivy!’

  I gave Winter a faint smile. For all the creature’s flapping, it was an easy thing to stay away from those claws now its body was trapped. I tilted my head towards it. ‘What are you?’ I asked. ‘Why are you doing this?’

  ‘There’s no point in trying to communicate with it,’ Winter said. ‘It’s not going to respond. It can’t.’

  It appeared Winter was right – the only answer I received was a snarl. Just to be sure, I tried again. ‘Can you speak English? Did you kill Benjamin Alberts?’

  I looked down, noting that the soles of its shoes had the same squiggle of a logo that Gareth had drawn for me. This was definitely our culprit. This … thing had ripped Benjamin Alberts apart.

  I sensed rather than saw Winter come up beside me. Before I could say or do anything, he raised his hands. Too late, I registered the rock he was holding. A second later, he brought it down onto the monster’s head, smashing in its skull and spraying me with dark coagulated lumps of weird monster blood. There was one short spasm and then the thing stopped moving. Forever.

  I stared aghast at Winter. He shrugged at me, although there wasn’t any ambivalence in his expression. ‘It was already a corpse, Ivy. It’s an animated anomaly. Whatever we’re dealing with here involves necromancy. Someone is raising the dead to attack the living.’

  Chapter Ten

  I felt like death warmed up. Given the circumstances, that probably should have been funny but I definitely wasn’t laughing. I managed a muttered good morning to Amy and that was about it. When we were ushered onto the bus pre-dawn, I simply kept my head down and ignored the speculation around me about whether Enchantment would be able to continue.

  I’d spent almost an hour under the scalding shower and I was sure I could still smell the damn monster on me. Every time I thought about it, a shudder rippled through my very bones.

  When we arrived on set, we gathered out by the main stage as we had done the previous day. There was no sign of any of the contestants but all the Enchantment bigwigs were there. No crew members were rushing around or making preparations; everyone simply waited to hear what we would be told. It might have been my favourite television show but, frankly, I was praying that they’d shut the whole thing down for good. I felt like I could sleep for a week.

  Surprisingly, it wasn’t Morris Armstrong who took the microphone. He was there on stage but he gave the floor to Belinda. She was dressed more simply than yesterday but, as she was wearing a silk scarf wrapped in an elaborate knot around her neck, it was impossible to see whether she was wearing her vial necklace. Whatever.

  I cast a tired eye around for Moonbeam and spotted him lounging against a tall box on the far side. He was doing his best to appear disdainful but his body language was too relaxed. He didn’t know any better than the rest of us what was about to be said – and he was just as curious. Mommy dearest wasn’t keeping him in the loop then. I wondered why. I closed my eyes and decided I really didn’t care.

  ‘Dearest people.’ Belinda’s voice filled the air. Despite her saccharine-sweet words, she somehow managed to sound wholeheartedly sincere. I opened one eye slightly; she was charismatic enough that I’d give her that much attention. ‘You all know, of course, of the traumatic time we have faced over the past few weeks. Losing one of our contestants was a genuine shock and I have no doubt that you felt the tragedy just as deeply as I did.’

  She paused, as if in memory of the dear friend she had probably not even met, and continued. ‘Of course, things got even worse yesterday when our own set was attacked.’

  Trevor Bellows reached forward and grasped her hand. As if to give credence to the sombre mood, he was no longer wearing fancy dress. Oddly, however, the high-waisted jeans and T-shirt made him look far weirder than the Halloween witch’s get-up that he had on yesterday.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Bellows said, bobbing his head up and down several times. ‘It was a terrible experience but, if I can find even some of the strength which you wonderful people have, I will get through this.’

  Unfortunately for him, Bellows didn’t have the same aura of honesty that Belinda managed to convey. Perhaps it was because his words were so patently ridiculous. There was more than one scoff from the watching crew. If Bellows noticed, he didn’t react.

  Any dregs of sympathy I might have felt for him at apparently being targeted by a murderer vanished the instant Brutus leapt on stage and curled up on one of his shoes. There was a soft murmur of delight from the crowd. I crossed my arms and glared. Not that it did any good; Brutus didn’t even glance at me.

  Bellows passed the microphone back to Belinda and she continued. ‘What most of you don’t know,’ she said in honeyed tones, ‘is that there were significant developments overnight.’

  There was a collective intake of breath. Even Moonbeam seemed to stand up straighter. I yawned. Significant developments? I’d say.

  Belinda cleared her throat, more for dramatic effect than because she needed to. It was hardly necessary. You could have heard a cat’s whisker drop to the ground. ‘The murderer has been brought to justice.’

  I snorted. The tool had been destroyed but its maker was still out there.

  Belinda carried on blithely. ‘Not just that, but the blood which was discovered on set belonged to a sheep, not a human. We no longer have anything to fear. No doubt it was simply a prank. And,’ she smiled, ‘it is apparent that Enchantment was not the target of the original attack. Benjamin Alberts, may his soul rest in peace, was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Filming will start afresh this afternoon at three o’clock. We are behind schedule but, if we pull together as a team, we can bring everything back to where it should be. We are, after all, the greatest show on television.’

  There was a loud cheer from the watching crew members. As far as I could tell, everyone was delighted. I wrinkled my nose. Yeah, yeah.

  Morris Armstrong stepped up. For a moment it looked as if Belinda wasn’t going to relinquish her hold on the microphone. Rather than cause a scene, however, she eventually let it go. There was no denying who was really running things around here – and Belinda was perfectly content to make sure everyone knew it. Given that yesterday Armstrong had spoken to everyone without a microphone, it was clear that his bid to take the microphone from her was a power play on his part. A failed power play at that.

  ‘I would like to thank Belinda for her gracious words. Be assured that I share every sentiment,’ Armstrong said. ‘Enchantment is most definitely the greatest!’ He fist-pumped the air. More than a few of the crew aped his actions but there was definitely less enthusiasm than there had been for La Battenapple. ‘To prove it, for this time ever, this series will have a member of the esteemed Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment on board!’

  A ripple of shock ran through the crowd. As Winter stepped onto the stage, looking for all the world as if he wished the ground would open up and swallow him, Trevor Bellows appeared rather nauseous. If he’d been worried about me as competition, he couldn’t begin to fathom what i
t would be like having Winter judging his every move.

  ‘This is Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter!’ Armstrong began to applaud and gradually everyone else joined in. Even Bellows.

  Winter forced a smile. His eyes scanned the crowd until eventually they landed on me. I raised my arms and clapped enthusiastically until the corners of his mouth crooked up slightly. I wasn’t oblivious to the many lascivious looks he was receiving from most of the female – and some of the male – crew members. I resisted the urge to yell out that he was hands off and contented myself with the fact that at least he was here. And at least it was me he was focused on.

  But there were limits to how much Winter was going to be allowed to do. The microphone in Armstrong’s hands went nowhere near him and the director quickly regained everyone’s attention. ‘We have seven hours until showtime, everyone! Let’s get this set shipshape and ready once more.’

  And with that, they all trooped off the stage.

  ‘Enchantment is most definitely being targeted,’ Winter told me in an aside when I caught up with him near the main producers’ tent.

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘There were some herbs found on the body last night. They were matched to a clump discovered in Bellows’ trailer. And,’ he reached into his pocket, ‘I found more of the same scattered around the perimeter.’

  I sucked in a breath. ‘All the way around?’

  Winter nodded, his expression grim. There were only two reasons why you’d encircle an entire area with herbs. To protect it – or to attack it.

  ‘So we’re looking for a witch again.’ Except why would an Order witch care about a reality television show that used only the weakest forms of magic?

  Surprisingly, Winter disagreed. ‘I don’t think a witch is behind this.’

  ‘But you just said…’

  ‘The amounts are all wrong.’ He trailed his index finger through the herbs in his hand. ‘In every location I’ve checked, there are two parts cinquefoil to one part mandrake, with a tiny amount of prickly ash bark thrown in. I can’t see how that would have an effect on anything. Even in small quantities, the prickly ash bark would completely negate the mandrake. And there’s no known spell that uses mandrake and cinquefoil together. I’ve spent the best part of the night on the phone to the Herblore Department back in Oxford. They agree.’