The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  ‘I like your dress,’ he told me. ‘You stick with me. I’ll keep you safe.’ He leaned down and lowered his voice. ‘I’m an expert at all this magic stuff. Last year I found a spell to hotwire cars. Now I can travel at full speed without the need for any petrol. I’m saving the planet and my money at the same time.’

  Mike was obviously an idiot. ‘Except that’s impossible. You can’t mix magic and technology like that.’

  He flexed his muscles and grinned at me like I was stupid. ‘That’s what the Order wants you to think.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘It’s the truth.’

  ‘She’s an Order witch,’ Harriet interrupted. ‘There’s no point saying anything about magic to her.’

  Mike stiffened, while the other contestants stared at me. ‘You? You’re in the Order?’

  ‘No. But I could be if I wanted.’

  ‘So could I.’

  No, he couldn’t. I didn’t need to present him with the entrance exams to know that any magic he possessed wasn’t worth the Order’s time. Even the lowest and weakest Neophyte would leave this plonker in the dust. ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Whatever you say.’

  Mike glowered at me. ‘I do say.’

  I noticed that the others were shuffling away from me, as if I’d taint them by simply standing too close.

  A weedy guy in a suit spoke up. ‘Do you remember Faith in series four?’ Various people nodded. ‘Well,’ he said knowledgeably, ‘she was in the Order. She was voted out in the second episode.’

  I gritted my teeth. She had tried to enter the Order but failed at the first hurdle. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Bellows smirking and tried to relax. I wasn’t here to win the show, I reminded myself. If I wanted to find out anything useful, I had to be more congenial. It would do the investigation no good if everyone refused to speak to me. My movements were going to be curtailed enough now that I was a contestant and not a runner. I had to show Winter that he needed me; I just wished it didn’t have to be such hard work.

  ‘The Order didn’t want me,’ I said in a slightly raised voice. ‘They kicked me out. Sure, I’ve got a bit of magic in me but I bet it’s nothing compared to you lot.’ I pasted on a wistful expression. ‘I’m just here as a last-minute replacement to make up the numbers. I know I’ll be voted out quickly. That’s okay.’

  An older woman, dressed in a painfully tailored power suit, smiled at me. ‘Don’t say that. If you were in the Order even for a short while you must be able to do some spells. Don’t worry about this lot. We’re all just nervous.’ Mike let out a snort. She ignored him. ‘I’m Lou.’

  An ally – unless she was only pretending to be on my side so she could shaft me later. Good grief. No wonder I preferred watching Enchantment from the safety of my sofa. Being here could drive a person nuts. ‘I’m Ivy,’ I told her.

  She patted my cheek in a motherly fashion. ‘You’ll be fine, Ivy.’

  Trevor Bellows looked away in disgust. He adjusted his hat and cleared his throat. ‘You’ll have plenty of opportunity to judge each other’s abilities soon,’ he said, his jowls juddering as he spoke. He still looked rather pale. I fixed my attention on him, examining his tired eyes. Perhaps he really was being targeted by our nasty necromancer. He certainly didn’t look like he’d had much sleep last night. ‘Remember,’ he continued, ‘you are only to use magic when we tell you. We can’t have you lot shooting off spells and destroying half of the Scottish Highlands in your wake, now can we? I’ll be on hand to help you if you need me to. You’ll all be perfectly safe. We’ve even managed to get extra security, just to be sure.’

  No wonder the set looked busier than yesterday. I guessed Enchantment weren’t taking any chances.

  Another producer wandered up with a clipboard. She had an earpiece and was obviously listening to something. After a moment or two she nodded before clapping her hands together. ‘It’s time, people!’ She spoke with an odd accent that made her voice rise at the end of each sentence, a strange mixture of peppy American cheerleader and overly excited Australian soap opera star. It should be illegal to expend that much energy while speaking. ‘Follow me! We’re off to the stage!’

  Lou sighed. ‘Let’s hope nobody dies this time around.’

  Amen to that.

  Chapter Twelve

  Things felt very different now that I knew I was going to be in front of the cameras rather than behind them. As we clustered together, ready to make our debut, I spotted Brutus slinking up and let out a sigh of relief. He might be a contrary cat who seemed to care about little more than food but he’d obviously picked up on the fact that I was feeling a bit nervous and come to provide me with some much-needed moral support. Then he ignored me and made a beeline for Trevor Bellows, snaking round his legs.

  Bellows leaned down and absentmindedly scratched Brutus behind the ears. In response, my cat let out a tiny meow. ‘You’re a clever little thing, aren’t you?’ Bellows murmured. ‘I wonder what you’d say if you could really talk.’

  He really didn’t want to know. I threw my errant familiar a narrow-eyed glare and turned away, noticing Winter at the far side, scrutinizing all the last-minute preparations. Barry was deep in conversation with another of the producers so I took advantage of the moment to edge over.

  ‘Hey.’

  Winter glanced at me and frowned. ‘You need to stop talking to me so publicly, Ivy. It’s common knowledge that we were once partners but we still need everyone to believe that I came here to keep an eye on you.’

  ‘That was rather clever of me to come up with that, wasn’t it?’

  He sighed. ‘Ivy…’

  I reached up on my tiptoes and slapped him in the face.

  ‘What the hell?’ He spun towards me.

  ‘Is that enough?’ I enquired.

  ‘Now everyone is looking at us!’

  ‘They were looking at us before. They’re just not hiding the fact any more.’ My eyes danced but I kept a stern frown on my face just for show. Then I raised my voice. ‘The Order should have sent someone else. You shouldn’t be here, Adeptus Exemptus. It’s a conflict of interest.’

  ‘Don’t be too enthusiastic with your protests,’ he growled, ‘or Enchantment will demand someone else takes my place.’

  ‘And the Ipsissimus will ignore them. They can’t dictate who is here.’ For good measure, I raised my hand to slap him again. This time he was prepared and caught my hand before it connected with his cheek. ‘Stop that!’

  I leant forward, hoping it looked like I was demanding he release me at once. ‘The vial I told you about that’s around Belinda Battenapple’s neck,’ I said, keeping my voice low. ‘There’s definitely something fishy about it. I quizzed Moonbeam and he couldn’t wait to change the subject. It’s definitely worth investigating.’

  Winter let go of my hand. ‘Investigate it then.’

  I crossed my arms. ‘You’re the Order rep around here. I’m just the hired help.’

  ‘They won’t let me get close to her,’ he muttered. ‘I think they’re afraid my presence might sully her reputation. If an Order investigator is seen talking to her, word will get out and—’

  ‘And it’ll be all over the press.’ I wrinkled my nose. ‘That’s annoying. I guess that yet again I’ll just have to do your job for you.’

  ‘I’ve told you before not to be overly reckless, Ivy.’

  Pah. ‘I’m not reckless,’ I informed him. ‘I just don’t see why you always have to take the long way round when there are shortcuts.’

  ‘If you get hurt…’ His voice trailed off.

  I met his eyes. ‘What? Would you be upset?’

  Winter took a deep breath. ‘Of course I would be.’

  ‘Is there a problem here?’ Barry shouldered his way between us and glared at Winter as if he’d compromised my honour.

  ‘Everything’s fine,’ I snapped. ‘I just hate having this man around.’

  Barry pulled back his shoulders. ‘Leave Ivy alone,’ he said to Winter. ‘She�
��s not with the Order and she’s no concern of yours.’

  I raised an eyebrow. It was rather sweet of Barry to come to my defence like that. Winter nudged me with his elbow as if in warning, so I did my best to play my part. ‘Yeah, Adeptus,’ I said. ‘I’ve got nothing to do with you any longer.’

  ‘As long as you’re on this television show, Ms Wilde,’ Winter said with what I thought was a tad too much sneer even for Barry’s benefit, ‘then you’re my concern. Everyone here is my concern. Magic is not something to be played with like a toy.’

  ‘Oh, I’m well aware of that, Adeptus Exemptus Winter. I have just as much respect for magic as any of you Order geeks do.’

  ‘Geeks?’ A line marred Winter’s forehead as he bristled. ‘If a geek is someone who works hard and has respect for others then, sure, call us that.’

  Barry coughed. ‘Maybe we should go.’

  Both Winter and I ignored him. ‘It’s always work with you, isn’t it?’

  ‘Hard graft is not something to disparage, Ms Wilde.’

  ‘Ooooh.’ I flounced. ‘Look at you and your big words. And here was me thinking that army intelligence was an oxymoron.’

  A muscle throbbed in Winter’s jaw. ‘I’m a damn sight more intelligent than Tarquin bloody Villeneuve.’

  ‘I know that!’ I shot back. ‘But given he has the smarts to equal a plank of wood, that’s hardly surprising, is it?’

  He took a step towards me. ‘Is that how you like your men? Weak and stupid so you can run rings around them and wrap them round your little finger? Does it make you feel good to flaunt yourself in their faces and have them pant after you?’

  I jabbed my finger in his chest. ‘You don’t get it, do you? The only person I want panting after me is you and you don’t care! All you’re interested in is the bloody Order and your latest assignment. When you look at me with those ridiculous blue eyes of yours all I want you to do is—’

  Barry grabbed hold of my arm. ‘Uh, Ivy,’ he interrupted. ‘I don’t think this is a good idea right now.’

  I shook Barry off. Winter stared at me. ‘What?’ he asked softly. ‘What do you want me to do?’

  My mouth was suddenly dry. ‘I, er, I…’

  ‘This is our sixty-second countdown!’ Clipboard Lady yelled. ‘Everyone get to your places and shut the hell up!’

  Barry took my arm again, all but dragging me back to the group of contestants. Each and every one of them was gazing at me open-mouthed. I wasn’t interested in them, though; I was only interested in Winter. He was watching me like a hawk, with his expression completely shuttered. Arse.

  I couldn’t even pinpoint when our play-acting had become real. Or was he still making it all up? It hadn’t seemed that way. I thought he was coming around but maybe I was mistaken. Or maybe he was starting to feel a little of what I felt for him. I shook myself. That was silly. We were complete polar opposites. And yet … he continued to watch me, ignoring the flurries of activity around him.

  ‘Well,’ Lou fanned herself. ‘That was something. That was something indeed. I don’t blame you. He certainly is gorgeous.’

  And intelligent. And quick-witted. And sensitive. And … arse. Arse. Arse. I wondered how badly it would reflect on us if I just ran back over and dragged him away from here so we could talk properly. Screw Enchantment.

  ‘Ten seconds!’

  Something batted my leg. I looked down to see Brutus sauntering away. I took a deep breath. We were here to stop any more murders and to find out who was disturbing the dead. I shook myself mentally. I had to sort myself out. But Winter was still bloody well staring at me.

  Belinda’s dulcet tones filled the air. Regardless of why she’d been interrupted yesterday, her script hadn’t changed. She stuck word for word to what she’d said last time. ‘It’s Friday and we are here in the stunning Highlands of Scotland for the most epic, most unique and most special series of Enchantment ever created. Twelve new contestants are waiting in the wings and all of them have special skills and abilities. All of them want to win the coveted Trophy of Spells. And all of them know that,’ she paused for dramatic flourish before she launched into her catchphrase: ‘Magic. Is. In. The. Air. Welcome back to Enchantment!’

  The gaggle of producers herded us closer to the stage. I caught one last flash of Winter’s sapphire eyes before I was swallowed up in the crowd of contestants. It was too late to do anything now. Story of my life.

  Given that the show was pre-recorded I hadn’t expected it to be seamless but I wasn’t prepared for the stopping and starting that went on. Bellows fluffed his lines on three separate occasions and had to restart. A dark cloud momentarily passed across Belinda’s sculpted cheekbones and she had to be re-shot. At one point, Brutus darted across the stage. Considering how heartily Bellows and the rest of the crew laughed, however, I had a feeling that part wouldn’t be edited out.

  With all the delays, I was convinced that I had plenty of time to sneak away and find Winter again. That was until one of the make-up artists who came up on stage to re-touch Belinda’s foundation gave her a small mirror to hold, and she dropped it accidentally. It smashed into umpteen pieces. Surely even Winter wouldn’t be able to ignore that kind of omen.

  Once all the opening scenes had been covered, the contestants were brought up on stage one by one. Barry’s explanation about why they had been given the chance to get to know each other first now made sense. Each of my supposed competitors was on their very best behaviour, offering happy smiles into the cameras and hamming it up for all they were worth. I was fascinated by how well they each fitted into their assigned roles. Maybe the producers were cannier than I’d given them credit for and they really did have amazing insights into each person’s character.

  I glanced down at my own costume and grimaced. I hoped not.

  Mike bounded up onto the stage and flexed his muscles, flashing a toothpaste grin to an almost simpering Belinda. Harriet, who was still taking every opportunity to throw me the evil eye, all but shuffled over when it was her turn. Her shoulders drooped and she spoke in a hushed voice: The Mouse indeed. The trouble was that, in my experience, it was the quiet ones who you had to watch out for.

  Rachelle, a beautiful young woman of Haitian descent, swayed her hips and murmured fake voodoo incantations to elicit a gasp. Shoto, the token Asian, spoke of Zen’s role in creating powerful magic spells. Lou blushed and told everyone she was just a housewife who’d discovered a talent for magic when she’d burnt some cupcakes in the oven and managed to reverse their dodgy appearance. Although when Belinda prodded her, Lou admitted that they’d still tasted of charred sponge.

  I hopped from foot to foot. ‘I need to pee,’ I told Barry.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ he said. ‘It’s just a nervous reaction. Once you’re up there, it’ll go away.’

  I thought of all the coffee I’d downed before Amy and I left the room that morning. ‘Nope. I really do need to pee.’

  ‘There’s no time.’

  ‘But…’

  Barry rounded on me. ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I need you to stop being so difficult and get with the programme. Literally. I’ve never had a contestant of mine in the final and I think you could be the one to do it – if you play your cards right. But all this running off and causing problems isn’t going to endear you to anyone. If you want to do well, you need me on your side.’

  I blinked at him, astonished. Barry had a lot of hidden depths. ‘Good for you,’ I told him. I was aware it probably sounded patronising but I meant it. ‘I still need to pee though.’

  ‘Tough.’ He gave me a little shove. ‘You’re up.’

  My stomach flip-flopped then I sternly told myself to get a hold of things and tripped up the small flight of steps.

  ‘Our twelfth contestant is quite unlike anyone we’ve had on Enchantment before. She’s told us that the allure of competing in our special Highlander survival edition was simply too great to pass up,’ Belinda beamed.

  What? I’d s
aid nothing of the sort. Even so, I did exactly the same as everyone else and put on my best smile. Except smiling so broadly hurt, so I decided that maintaining it would be too much effort and relaxed. I’d go for more of a mysterious Mona Lisa expression instead. It required less energy.

  ‘She used to be a member of the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment, so we are expecting great things from her magic skills! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ivy Wilde!’

  Reminding myself not to twitch, I nodded at Barry and took my cue, walking onto the stage and greeting Belinda. Even though it was still daytime, the artificial stage lights were bright so it was difficult to see much of anything beyond the stage. Was Winter watching me, along with everyone else?

  The others sat bolt upright on the contestants’ special chairs, which faced Belinda’s, as if having good posture suggested an upright and moral personality. I slouched, leaning back gratefully because the chair was quite comfortable.

  ‘Make yourself at home, Ivy,’ Belinda told me.

  I hooked both legs over one of the armrests and grinned. ‘Okay.’

  Belinda laughed, playing the part of congenial host to perfection. ‘Is this why you were expelled from the Order, Ivy?’

  ‘Because I got too comfortable?’ I shook my head. ‘Oh no, Belinda. I was expelled for cheating and assault.’

  Her mouth dropped open and she sent a quick sidelong glance towards Armstrong who was watching from the wings on the other side. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Oh yes.’ I briefly considered telling her that it was on trumped-up charges but I didn’t think that would endear me to the Ipsissimus. Or Winter. Sometimes the truth hurts. I shrugged. ‘I was a different person back then. I’m much more mellow now.’ I smiled. ‘I promise not to deck you.’

  She tittered. She was obviously taken aback by my honesty. Either that or Armstrong’s digging hadn’t uncovered the real reason why I’d been booted out from the Order and I’d genuinely shocked her. It didn’t matter; I was fishing for something different to meaningless plaudits from strangers.