The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  I eyed Belinda’s neckline and thought I could see a faint bulge where the vial was hidden. I had to take this advantage and get a closer look at it but I wasn’t sure how to do it while being filmed from every angle.

  ‘So you must have magical skills which you think you can put to good use in our challenges,’ she said. ‘Do you think you have an edge on the competition? We have some talented contestants this year, you know.’

  I was fully aware of the protocol. I was supposed to say something along the lines of how much I respected my fellow Enchantment competitors and how they were going to be difficult to beat. I couldn’t be bothered with all that palaver. It was already proving hard to keep track of the web of lies I’d found myself embroiled in; I didn’t need to create more by affecting false modesty.

  ‘I can assure you,’ I told her, ‘that they’re no match for me. You see, Belinda, I’m a real witch and I can do real magic. Not the silly tricks that you usually see from Enchantment contestants but serious show-winning stuff. If anyone messes with me, they’ll be sorry.’

  ‘Those are fighting words.’

  My inner fan danced at the glee in her voice. ‘It’s just the truth.’ I leaned in slightly. ‘I can give you a demonstration if you like.’

  Belinda turned to the camera, giving it a full wattage smile. ‘We’d like to see that,’ she said with a purr.

  Bingo. I pulled myself upright and dropped my hand. I didn’t want the cameras to catch my rune – I couldn’t give away all my secrets. ‘I need you to stand up,’ I said. ‘If you don’t mind.’

  ‘No problem.’ She rose gracefully to her feet.

  I cast a critical eye up and down her outfit. ‘The one thing that has always impressed me about you, Belinda, is how well dressed you are. Didn’t you win an award for that last year?’

  ‘I did indeed.’

  I tightened my muscles and concentrated. It was vital to get this right because I’d probably only have one chance. I should really be thanking Wardrobe Lady for giving me the idea. ‘That tartan really suits you,’ I murmured, beginning to move my fingers. ‘I bet it would look simply fantastic as a ballgown.’

  Belinda cocked her head. ‘Do you mean…?’ Then she gasped. The tartan skirt she was wearing began to change, dropping down to her feet and billowing out in a meringue-style concoction. I flicked my attention to her top half, transforming her blouse into a low-cut bodice of the same material and removing her scarf. Her décolletage was perhaps a little too risqué but at least now we matched. Even better, the vial around her neck was now visible.

  I considered removing it completely but if it did have any magic surrounding it – and that magic was linked to Belinda herself – then its removal could cause chaos. This way was safer. And I’d get a good look at the thing.

  ‘This is amazing!’ Belinda gave a twirl. ‘I feel like a Scottish princess! You really are a talented witch, Ivy!’

  I was indeed. I’d be more talented if I could tell what liquid was inside that little glass bottle. I moved closer to her. ‘I just need to make a few adjustments,’ I said, with a furrowed brow as if I were trying to work out what was missing.

  The vial was hanging on a delicate silver chain and was stoppered with a tiny amount of purple wax. The etching on the outside of the glass appeared to be Chinese characters, so I had no way of knowing what it said. There couldn’t be more than three ounces of liquid inside it and, now I was close, I could see that it didn’t resemble mercury at all. It was silver and relatively viscous but there were strands of other colours within it.

  Distracting my audience, I flicked out another rune and altered Belinda’s hairstyle from loose chic to an elaborate chignon. For good measure, I added a tiara on top. ‘Now you’re Queen Belinda!’

  She reached up and touched her hair. ‘Wonderful! I need a mirror!’

  I winced. She’d already done enough damage with the make-up artist’s mirror. The last thing any of us needed was more bad luck to contend with. Even though I knew I’d regret it later because of the energy it required to conjure one up, I created a full-length mirror out of the chair I’d been sitting upon.

  While Belinda gasped some more, I angled my head closer to the vial. I could see swirls of black and orange in the silver liquid. They seemed to moving all the time, expanding and contracting within the confines of the glass.

  ‘Beautiful,’ Belinda said. She curtsied to her reflection.

  I smiled. ‘A workman is only as good as her tools.’ I glanced at her reflection and focused on the vial, memorising every millimetre of it. This was probably the best chance I would get.

  I released the spell and reversed the runes, returning Belinda to her original form before doing the same to the mirror so I could sit down again. They might have been simple spells but they were enough to sap me of what little of my energy remained. All I wanted to do now was curl up and sleep. Okay, that was about all I ever wanted to do. This time, however, I was genuinely liable to doze off while on television. Between bringing down the zombie and all of this malarkey, my body was about ready to throw in the towel and resign for good.

  Fortunately, Armstrong was clearly concerned about the changing light as the day wore on and motioned to Belinda to wrap things up. She smiled, pointing down at her clothes with an expression of marvel, and thanked me.

  I tripped off the stage like the good little contestant I was supposed to be. However, the tight knot of worry I felt at what was in that damn vial was quickly becoming a full-blown panic attack.

  Chapter Thirteen

  So much time was spent on the initial interviews and Belinda’s set pieces that there wasn’t a chance to sneak off and find Winter. Instead, with the cameras rolling, I was unceremoniously dumped into a team of four: me, Mike the Muscle Man, Harriet the Hater and Lovely Lou. I supposed it could have been worse – but not much.

  Retrieving our challenge envelope, Mike ripped it open and started to read. ‘Your first task is to survive the wilds. Find yourself shelter for the night and stay safe from the elements. There will be significant disadvantages given to the last team to set up camp.’

  Excellent. ‘I know where shelter is,’ I declared. ‘My hotel is about ten miles that way. We just need to hitchhike in that direction and we’ll be there in no time.’

  Harriet rolled her eyes, while Mike produced a map and waved it at me. ‘We’ve been given several choices,’ he said. ‘And none of them involves going back to Tomintoul and getting a hotel.’

  I couldn’t see why not. It was creative. And there’d be a duvet. Not to mention hot running water. I suspected that the choices displayed on the map would be considerably less comfortable.

  Ruing the day I’d agreed to do this, which I was very much aware was still today, I peered over his shoulder. Good grief. We’d be up for half the night. And I wasn’t forgetting that this was Enchantment. There was bound to be some magical stuff to contend with before we could bed down for the night. That was the formula.

  ‘This one.’ Mike jabbed his thumb at the nearest marker. ‘We pick up now and head straight there. It’s the closest.’

  He really was an idiot. ‘It’s up a mountain. It might be the closest but it’ll take us longest to get there. We need to be smart about this.’

  He stared at my breasts. ‘We go there. I’ve made the decision.’

  My eyebrows flew up. He had, had he? ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I’m a taxi driver. I know how to read maps. I do it every day.’ I was lying about the last part; I use sat nav. That doesn’t mean I can’t orienteer myself when I really need to.

  ‘I thought you were a witch. Why would a woman drive a taxi?’

  Harriet’s lip curled. ‘Sure she’s a witch but all she can do is bespell clothing.’ She sniffed. ‘So why she’s wearing that, goodness only knows.’

  She was right here. Except I simply didn’t have the energy for an argument, much as I wanted to bop Mike on the nose for being sexist as well as stupid. I pushed back my hair and si
ghed. ‘Please,’ I said. ‘Don’t be plonkers. If we head for the nearest point, it will take hours. This is not as the crow flies. We don’t have wings. We still have to get there.’ I turned to Lou. ‘Help me out here.’

  Lou looked like the last thing she wanted to do on our first day was to get into a fight. She gave a helpless smile. ‘I’ll go with the majority. I have no sense of direction anyway.’

  When it was me against Mike, Harriet would choose Mike every time. She’d choose anyone who wasn’t me; I’d be on a constant losing streak. I considered my options, glanced at the map once more and made a decision. Reaching out so that one hand touched Mike’s arm and the other touched Harriet’s, I drew out runes on both their bodies. An almost immediate wave of exhaustion overtook me but it was nothing compared to what happened to them. They yawned in unison before collapsing to the ground.

  ‘Oh my goodness!’ Lou shrieked. ‘They’ve passed out! We need a doctor!’

  ‘They’re just sleeping,’ I said, feeling sour. I’d like to be sleeping too.

  Her mouth dropped open. ‘Did you do that to them? Did you make them fall asleep?’

  ‘Trust me, it’s for their own good.’

  Barry, hovering nearby with another producer, seemed concerned. He stepped forward but I held up my palm. ‘They’re absolutely fine. There’s nothing to worry about.’

  I watched the cameraman swing his lens towards them. Mike looked kind of cute when he wasn’t conscious. I retrieved the map from under his arm. ‘Look,’ I said to Lou. ‘There’s a river just round the next bend.’

  She still couldn’t get over what I’d done to Mike and Harriet. Her jaw worked but she couldn’t appear to find any words.

  I shrugged. ‘All we need to do is to get these two to the river. Then we float all the way down to here.’ I pointed to one of the marked locations. ‘It’s right next to the river itself. Even though it’s further away, we can get there much easier than the place Mike wanted to aim for. It’ll take us no time.’ I fixed my eyes on her. ‘Are you with me?’

  ‘Uh…’

  ‘Lou! Come on. If you really think we should tramp up a mountain, I’ll wake them up straight away and we can tramp up a mountain together. Trust me though, this way is much better.’ Please, Lou. I wasn’t up to mountain climbing. Not today.

  She swallowed. ‘The river seems the best course.’

  Praise the heavens. ‘Great. I’ll take Mike, you take Harriet.’ I expended some more energy in spelling away their weight but, even so, I dragged Mike along the ground, scuffing his heels in the process.

  Lou, bemused by how easily she could lift Harriet’s prone body, slung her over her shoulder fireman-style and caught up with me. ‘You really are a proper witch. You’re not like the rest of us at all.’

  I grunted. I was aware of the camera following my every reaction. This would be easier if it didn’t keep getting in my damn way.

  ‘I really wanted to win,’ Lou whispered, more to herself than to me.

  ‘So win.’

  She jumped, startled. ‘I can’t compete against you.’

  ‘I’m not here to win,’ I said without thinking.

  ‘Then why are you here?’

  Arse. ‘Er … I want to test my limits. And…’ think, Ivy, think. ‘…prove to the Order that they were wrong to boot me out.’

  ‘You want to rejoin them?’

  Not even if Winter himself stripped naked, prostrated himself on the ground for my delectation and begged. ‘No,’ I said slowly, seizing any reason I could think of for being stuck in the past and motivated by revenge. ‘I just don’t want any other witches to go through what I did when I was kicked out. If I can show the Order they were wrong to expel me, they might think twice before doing it to someone else.’

  Mike’s heel caught on a stone so I tugged at him. There was an ominous sound of ripping fabric as his trousers caught on something. Oops.

  ‘Aren’t you afraid?’ She hesitated. ‘I spoke to Benny a few times. He was a nice guy and to be killed like that…’ She shivered.

  ‘Benjamin Alberts? Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘That was pretty nasty.’ And if I had anything to do with it, the person who was responsible would spend the rest of their life behind bars.

  ‘At least we know they caught the bastard who did it.’

  ‘Mmm.’ I craned my neck round the last of the trees. ‘Do you know why Benjamin went up that mountain in the first place?’

  She shrugged unhappily. ‘He just wanted some fresh air. That’s what he said anyway.’ She looked as if she were about to cry. That was the last thing I needed.

  I pointed. ‘Look. There’s the river.’

  We walked to the bank and lay down Mike and Harriet’s bodies. I gave the river a critical glance. This was summer so it wasn’t quite as deep or fast flowing as I’d hoped.

  Lou looked around dubiously. ‘Is this going to work?’

  Spotting a hole in the sandy shore opposite, I felt around inside myself. I probably had enough energy left. Just. I grinned. ‘Watch this.’

  I sketched out a complex rune, binding together what I knew of Myomancy with my knowledge from experimenting with Brutus. For a moment nothing happened then some of the sand shifted and a small questing nose appeared.

  Lou stiffened. ‘What is that?’

  ‘Shhh,’ I said. ‘Don’t scare it off.’

  The otter emerged fully, whiskers quivering. It wasn’t entirely trusting and took several moments to scan the area. For good measure, I added another rune into the mix. Unwilling to deny the call any longer, it swam across.

  ‘Hey buddy,’ I said, crouching down beside it.

  It squeaked in response. It was kind of cute. Now that Brutus had apparently abandoned me, maybe I’d take on an otter instead of a cat as my new familiar. I wondered whether it could be trained to make tea.

  ‘We need to get down river,’ I told it. ‘About five miles, give or take. Could you help us out?’

  Lou stared at me as if I were crazy. ‘Are you having a conversation with a wild animal? Does it even understand what a mile is?’

  Probably not but I reckoned it got the gist. It chittered and jerked its head to the right. Whatever that meant.

  ‘Something’s up there,’ I said softly to Lou. ‘Can you go have a look?’

  She edged away. I got the impression that she was glad to have a reason to put some distance between us. I shrugged at the otter; I wasn’t being that weird, was I? The otter seemed to agree with Lou, however. It blinked at me warily and backed down to the river, obviously keen to leave. I inclined my head and let it go. If I’d felt fresher, I’d have been tempted to persuade it to pull us all along with some of its otter buddies.

  Lou wasn’t long. She emerged from behind a tree and scratched her head. ‘There’s a boat tethered there.’

  I clapped my hands. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘We can’t take it, Ivy. That would be stealing.’

  ‘We’re only borrowing it.’

  She shook her head. ‘It has a small motor. And there are keys still in the engine. Whoever it belongs to, they’re probably coming back. They’re going to need it.’

  Huh. I tilted my head and listened. There was no one else near here; if there had been, the producers would have already shooed them away. I glanced at the cameraman, whose lens was still trained on my face, and considered.

  ‘It’s a set-up.’

  Lou squinted at me. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘We’re in the middle of nowhere. What are the chances that there just happens to be a boat right next to the river that leads us to a camp? And that there are keys in the engine?’ I shook my head. ‘It’s too convenient. They’re setting us up. The producers, I mean.’

  ‘Do you really think they’d do that?’

  I rolled my eyes at her. This was ‘reality’ television. Of course they would.

  ‘If that’s the case, then we have to leave it.’

  ‘Nope.’ I grinned. ‘If that’s the case then
we absolutely have to take it. They’re trying to make television. We need to give the viewers something to shout about.’

  ‘We can’t steal it!’

  I patted her on the back. ‘I told you. We’re just borrowing it.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘Don’t worry, Lou. If anyone complains, I’ll take the blame. We can be home and dry in less than an hour if we do this.’

  Well, not exactly home as such. But at least somewhere I could finally get some real rest. If there wasn’t a nice fluffy pillow at this campsite, heads were going to roll.

  Our meandering amble was rather pleasant. I wouldn’t call it peaceful, since Harriet had begun to snore with such force that the entire structure of the little boat shuddered. The noise she made was akin to a twenty-decibel drill, and I was still irritated that both she and Mike were sleeping while I had to stay awake. All the same, there was immense satisfaction in being on our way and probably far ahead of the other two teams.

  Lou remained a bit twitchy at my casual theft of the boat but when no police came screaming out of the woods to clap her in chains – and when the trailing cameramen didn’t stop us – she seemed to relax a little. Well, she trailed her hands in the cool water and leaned back, so she couldn’t have been feeling too edgy.

  A small log cabin had just come into view, with a little flag in the Enchantment colours perched on top of its roof, when there was an odd rustling from the bank on our left. I swung my head around, expecting to see another otter or perhaps a bird. Instead what appeared from the undergrowth was a sheep.

  It trotted along to the edge of the river and began chewing nonchalantly at a clump of grass. But this wasn’t a farmer’s field and there were no other sheep in sight. I couldn’t prevent myself from stiffening in alarm.

  I grabbed hold of the rudder and steered the boat in. It was probably nothing, it was probably just a damn sheep. All the same…

  Lou sat up. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Scottish wildlife,’ I said, with far more cheeriness than I felt.