The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  She glanced over, spotted the sheep and laughed. Then she immediately sobered up. ‘You’re not going to kill it, are you?’

  My worry was overtaken by confusion. ‘What? No! Of course not!’

  Lou exhaled. ‘Oh, good. I thought that you might, you know, want it for dinner. Or something.’

  I had no illusions about where my supermarket meat came from but that didn’t mean that I wanted it in anything other than a neatly packaged polystyrene packet with cooking instructions included. I was most definitely not in the business of slaughter. Too messy, for one thing. Although given that my stomach chose that moment to grumble rather loudly in between Harriet’s snores, I probably appeared prepared to chomp on the poor animal.

  Instructing Lou to stay where she was with the others, I jumped out of the boat and walked slowly towards the sheep. It paused from its grassy meal and looked up at me. Then it returned to eating.

  I scratched my head. I’d managed to communicate with the otter. I certainly had no problem when it came to talking to Brutus either, even if he did flatly ignore everything I said. How difficult could a sheep be?

  I flicked my index finger, ready to draw the rune, but that first movement made me realise that I wouldn’t be able to manage it. Exhaustion was seeping into my bones and, rather than being sharp and fluid, even the start of the rune felt sluggish. I muttered a curse under my breath and stared at the sheep instead. It just kept on chewing.

  I was hardly an expert in the ways of sheep. As far as I could tell, it looked perfectly normal. And getting jumpy simply because it was roaming around the Highlands, where there were probably a million other sheep doing exactly the same thing, was ridiculous. Probably.

  I brushed my hand along its back, marvelling at its coarse wool, then sighed and pushed back my hair. I was jumping at shadows.

  Lou called out to me as I went back to the boat. ‘What was that about?’

  I shrugged. ‘Nothing.’ She looked like she wanted to press me for more so I hastily got back into the boat. ‘Look,’ I said unnecessarily. ‘Our chateau awaits.’

  A smile spread across Lou’s face. ‘That has to be record timing.’

  I beamed. ‘Yep. And now we can all get some proper rest.’

  Famous last words.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I woke up Harriet and Mike while Lou tethered the boat. Naturally they were disorientated for a minute or two but it didn’t take Mike long to realise what had happened. ‘What did you do?’ he yelled, his face going an extraordinary shade of puce.

  I twirled a stray curl. I could make something up but it was probably just as easy to tell the truth. ‘You weren’t going to listen to reason. Instead of spending five hours traipsing up a mountain and getting sore and tired, we spent an hour getting here and you’re all rested.’ I wasn’t, of course; I was about dead on my feet but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ he muttered. He gestured angrily at the nearest cameraman. ‘She can’t be allowed to get away with this! There are rules!’

  The cameraman didn’t react. Mike huffed and glared.

  ‘Complain to your producer later,’ I said. ‘Let’s get inside first.’

  Harriet, who hadn’t said a word since she’d woken up but who was evidently upset, pulled herself out of the boat and walked up to the hut. She rattled the doorknob. ‘It’s locked,’ she informed us flatly.

  Mike growled. ‘Let me try.’ He joined her, shoving all his weight against the door. It wasn’t going to budge.

  ‘There’s something here,’ Lou called over. She held up an envelope. My heart sank. Great. This would be the supposedly inspired Enchantment twist.

  Ripping open the envelope, Lou began to read. ‘Congratulations. You have found shelter. The problem is that you can’t gain access to it until you master the entrance spell. This chalet is warded against intruders. It’s up to you and your team to find a way in and complete your first task.’

  I rolled my eyes. Chalet. As if. If this were a chalet, I wanted Swiss chocolate and a hunky ski instructor, not this lot and an empty belly.

  ‘There are some herbs in here,’ Lou said. ‘And instructions for how to use them.’

  ‘Go on then,’ Mike sneered at me. ‘You’re the expert. Open it up.’

  ‘I can’t.’ I slumped into a sitting position. ‘I’m too tired.’ If they had instructions and they could read, they really didn’t need me.

  His mouth flapped open. Then his eyes hardened. ‘Fine. We don’t need you anyway. Come on, Harriet. Lou.’

  The three of them hunkered down, picking over the herbs and discussing the spell. A few of their words drifted over. What they had to do was so basic that even if there were only one iota of magic between them, they’d manage it.

  I dropped backwards with my spine on the ground. It was hard and cold and there was an icky wet patch somewhere near my right thigh but right now I didn’t care.

  I let my head flop to the side. It really was very pretty around here. The grass was long and there had to be different varieties all growing naturally because the range of shades of green was extraordinary. There were long-stemmed daisies in one patch, and a lone bee buzzing around a clump of thistles. My eyes tiredly tracked its path as it abandoned the spiky plant in favour of something tastier. It flew over a muddy puddle, bypassed the rabbit droppings and the bloodstains, and headed up the slope behind the hut.

  I sat bolt upright. Bloodstains?

  ‘It’s open!’ Mike crowed. He shot me a nasty look. ‘No thanks to you.’

  I ignored him and scrambled to my feet. Maybe it wasn’t blood. Maybe it was something else. I ran over and knelt down, taking care not to touch the dark patch with any part of my body. Bringing my nose down, I sniffed then recoiled. It was definitely blood. Not just that – it smelled rotten, an almost exact match for the reek from the zombie-thing that Winter had killed only last night.

  I sprang up in a panic. ‘We have to get out of here.’

  The others didn’t hear me. They’d already gone into the small hut, although one of the cameramen had stayed behind to film me. I walked right up to him and spoke into the camera. ‘It’s not safe here. We have to leave now.’

  He simply carried on filming. Gritting my teeth, I tried a different approach. ‘I need to see Barry now.’

  There was a crunch of footsteps on bracken and I turned to see the man himself approaching. Clearly he’d been close by the entire time. ‘Good job, Ivy! I’m impressed you made it here so quickly.’ He wagged his finger at me. ‘You shouldn’t steal though. It’s very wrong.’

  I ignored the twinkle in his eye that told me that I’d been right about the boat being a set up and grabbed him. ‘We’re in danger!’ I shouted. ‘There’s blood there! It’s the same as from the thing that killed Benjamin Alberts! If you don’t want any more deaths on this show, you have to get us away from here as quickly as possible!’

  Barry’s eyes widened. ‘Blood? Where?’

  I twisted round, pointing at the patch I’d just discovered. ‘There! And there was a sheep! Call Winter and get him here now. And get those three away before someone gets hurt!’

  Barry darted over and crouched down, following my finger. He seemed to take his time. It was a wonder that the smell didn’t put him off. He really was a brave soul.

  ‘Ivy,’ he said slowly. ‘There’s nothing here.’

  The other three, who’d heard my yelling, came back outside and stared. ‘What’s the problem?’ Lou asked.

  ‘You need to leave!’ I screeched at them. ‘You’re in danger!’

  Lou’s hand went to her throat and she looked alarmed. Mike turned several shades paler under his orange tan, while Harriet swallowed and leapt towards the cameraman as if for safety.

  ‘Everyone needs to calm down,’ Barry said. ‘There’s nothing there.’ He glanced at me. ‘You’re seeing things, Ivy.’

  ‘I am not!’ I marched over to where he was and looked down. I blinked. He was
right. What I’d seen as blood was nothing more than the shadow cast by a nearby bush.

  ‘What?’ I shook my head. ‘But the smell…’ I sniffed. There was nothing other than the rich scent of earthy goodness.

  ‘You’re tired. You’ve done a lot of magic today and you’re probably just hallucinating.’ Barry’s expression was kind. ‘We’ll get one of the medics to check you over.’

  ‘There was a sheep as well,’ I protested. ‘Lou saw it. She knows.’

  The older woman shrugged. ‘It was just a sheep.’

  ‘But…’

  Barry put his arm round me. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll get you looked over and get you some rest and then you’ll be right as rain.’

  I stared dumbly at him. ‘I was so sure….’

  ‘You’re letting your imagination run away with you. The person who hurt Benny is dead, Ivy. There’s nothing to worry about.’

  It was the dead part that frightened me. I ran my hands through my hair. ‘Maybe I should lie down,’ I said shakily.

  ‘That sounds like a good idea.’ He patted my cheek soothingly.

  An engine rumbled towards us from the nearby dirt road. One of the show’s doctors jumped out, followed closely by Belinda and Bellows. When I spotted Winter in the back, his blue eyes fixed on mine, a wash of relief came over me. At least someone was here who knew what they were doing.

  The cameraman kept filming while the doctor pulled me over to one side. He checked my blood pressure and looked into my eyes. Belinda watched with a concerned expression. ‘Can you tell us what the problem is?’ she finally asked, when it appeared that he had finished his ministrations.

  ‘She’s exhausted,’ the doctor pronounced. He raised his eyebrows in what I could only presume was admonishment. ‘Lay off the unnecessary magic spells and you’ll be fine.’

  I mumbled an agreement. It didn’t make sense. I’d tired myself out on more than one occasion by going overboard with spells but I’d never hallucinated before. And the spells I’d conducted today hadn’t been all that elaborate, even if there had been more of them than I was used to doing. I’d been up half the night being attacked by a zombie up a mountain, though, so there was that.

  ‘Can she continue on as a contestant?’ Bellows enquired.

  ‘I don’t see why not,’ the doctor replied.

  I could swear Bellows looked disappointed. I glanced over at him. ‘No cat?’

  He pursed his lips. ‘It’s run off somewhere. It’ll be back. It knows it’s onto a good thing with me.’

  I only just managed to stop myself snorting. Catching Winter’s eye as he finally got out of the car, I muttered something about a call of nature and struggled up to find a handy bush to hide behind. Fortunately Winter got the message and followed, albeit at a discreet distance. Going to the loo seemed to be about the only chance I’d have to avoid being filmed.

  I walked as far I dared, realising my legs were remarkably shaky. The others’ voices drifted into the background. They’d be preoccupied for a while discussing my condition, so I reckoned we had a bit of time.

  I halted and turned, waiting for Winter to catch up to me. It didn’t take long. He might not have been running but he was still striding towards me with the speed of an Olympic walker.

  ‘Are you alright?’ he asked, as soon as he reached me. He took hold of me as if I were about to collapse, grasping me by the shoulders and gazing into my eyes.

  I passed a hand over my face. ‘I think so.’ I shook myself. ‘I don’t know. I was so sure that what I saw was blood.’ I bit my lip. ‘Do you think I was hallucinating as well? Am I just tired?’

  ‘Has it happened before?’

  ‘No.’ I paused. ‘Well, I might not know if it has happened before. I don’t think so. Is your magic telling you anything?’

  His expression was alight with concern. ‘Something’s not right. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but there’s definitely something different.’ Something akin to anger flashed in his eyes. ‘There’s more to this than exhaustion.’

  I swallowed. That didn’t sound good.

  ‘Has anyone given you anything strange to eat or drink?’

  I scratched my head. ‘No. Everything I’ve had has been from the canteen. I had coffee this morning with Amy but she drank it too.’

  ‘Could she have slipped something into your drink?’

  It was highly unlikely. I grimaced. ‘I doubt it, though right now it feels like anything’s possible.’

  ‘I’ll check this Amy out. If she’s done anything to you, given you something to drink which is spiked or brushed some kind of herb mixture against you which has hurt you, then I’ll make sure she never sees the light of day again.’ His voice was low but I was taken aback by his vehemence. I’d never seen Winter so irate. He kept clenching and unclenching his fists as if he wanted to punch something. I watched him, half fascinated, half concerned. Then his words trickled through.

  ‘Wait,’ I said slowly. ‘I did touch something.’

  He stilled. ‘What?’

  ‘Belinda’s vial. When I was on stage, I changed her clothes so I could get a better look at it.’

  ‘I saw. You’re lucky you got away with that. It looked highly suspect to me.’

  ‘That’s because you knew what I was up to. Everyone else was watching Belinda,’ I said dismissively. ‘Anyway, I touched her vial. Not the contents but my skin definitely brushed against the outer glass.’

  ‘Plenty of poisons and herblore spells work through touch.’ His expression shifted. ‘Did you manage to work out what was inside it?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. Just that it’s some kind of silvery liquid with orange and black threads moving around inside it.’

  Winter’s eyes grew sharp. ‘Moving independently?’

  ‘As far as I could tell.’

  He nodded grimly. ‘Okay. I’ll see if I can get hold of the rushes for today and we can use them to get a closer look. There were plenty of cameras pointed at the stage. One of them must have a decent shot of the vial. If we can get a good picture, together with your description, someone back in Oxford is bound to know what she’s keeping so close to her chest.’

  ‘Why would a fêted celebrity want to raise the dead?’

  Winter gave me a long look. ‘Why would anyone?’

  Indeed. ‘I should get back. If I’m too long, they’ll send someone after me.’

  ‘Good,’ he growled. ‘They should be looking after you better. Drink lots of water. If there is anything untoward going on here, that will help to flush it out of your system.’

  ‘Am I going to be alright?’

  ‘As far as I can tell.’ He tilted his head. ‘You’ll still be annoying though. And your hair will still do that weird thing where it sticks out at the side like…’

  I thumped his arm. ‘You can stop that now.’

  Winter grinned briefly before sobering up. ‘I won’t let anything happen to you, Ivy. I promise you that.’

  I licked my lips. All of a sudden I felt very hot. It was probably another side-effect. ‘You know,’ I told him, looking serious, ‘if this isn’t poison, and if I really am just tired, then it’s clear that work of any sort is very bad for my health.’

  Winter leaned forward and brushed his lips feather-light against my temple. ‘If you say so, darling.’

  I pulled back and looked at him. ‘Rafe…’

  ‘I know.’ The blue depths of his eyes turned a shade darker. ‘We need to have a proper conversation. Not about magic or dead people rising from their graves but about us.’ He licked his lips. ‘This isn’t the time though.’ His hand touched my cheek. ‘You said you liked me.’

  ‘I do.’ Even with the weariness permeating every bone in my body, it took almost everything I had not to jump on him then and there. He was right though; this really wasn’t the time. ‘When all this is over…’

  He nodded. ‘We’ll talk.’

  Barry’s voice drifted over from down by the cabin. ‘
Ivy? Is everything alright?’

  ‘It’s fine.’ I offered Winter a crooked smile. ‘I’ll talk to you again soon.’ I held up my pinkie towards him.

  He stared at it. ‘Is something wrong with your finger?’

  ‘Pinkie promise!’

  His brow furrowed. ‘Huh?’

  ‘Never mind.’ I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. Then a wave of dizziness overtook me and I swayed. ‘I really do need to lie down.’

  Winter took my arm and helped me stumble back down the slope. I should have felt rage or worry or something like that. All I felt, however, was brimful of delight.

  I couldn’t have said with any certainty how long I was out for. When I woke up, birds were already tweeting the dawn chorus and light was streaming in through the cracks in the timber frame of the cabin. Harriet was snoring just as loudly as she had on the boat yesterday and, as far as I could tell, both Mike and Lou were also still out for the count. For a long moment, I revelled in the chance to finally stretch out and doze. Unfortunately the pressure in my bladder wouldn’t permit me to stay in that position for long.

  Groaning, I stretched and got up before wandering outside and greeting the latest cameraman, who was lounging on a rock nearby, with a grunt and an admonition not to follow me. I curved back round the cabin in the same direction as I’d taken to talk to Winter the day before, pausing briefly at my hallucinated bloodstain. It was still just a shadow. Not blood. I breathed out; with any luck, I was now completely back to normal.

  I hunkered down behind a bush for a pee then, just as I was standing up, I heard a rustle and heavy footsteps plodding towards me. Alarmed – and suddenly wondering whether this was really happening – I straightened up. Hallucination or not, I’d meet it head on. My magic reserves were back to normal so, even if this were another damn zombie, I reckoned I could manage.

  There was a heavy sigh followed by a curse. Then the familiar face of Gareth, the farm helper who’d found what was left of Benjamin Alberts, came into view.

  I dropped my hands and broke into a smile. ‘Gareth! How are you?’