The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  I watched as he walked from group to group, his wide sleeves flapping every time he waved at someone and tried to get their attention. Poor guy. Then Brutus pitched up out of nowhere and rubbed himself against Bellows’ legs. Nah. Bellows deserved everything he got.

  ‘I’m not here because I want to work for Enchantment,’ I said to Barry.

  He glanced at me appraisingly. ‘I can’t work out why you’re here at all.’ He jerked his head at Winter, who was examining a sheet of paper with a furrowed brow. ‘Unless it’s because of him.’

  ‘He’s here because of me, not the other way around.’ I had to stick with the narrative.

  Barry snorted. ‘Yeah, right. No matter what we’ve been told, the Order is obviously still concerned that there will be more murders. There are witches all over Tomintoul.’

  I let out a slow breath. ‘Do you think there are going to be more murders?’ It was unlikely, but Barry might have insights that the rest of us didn’t. ‘I have enough on my plate to worry about without getting killed too.’

  ‘You’re perfectly safe,’ he dismissed. ‘You heard Belinda. All that had nothing to do with Enchantment.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘You know, the other three in your team are planning to get you voted out if you don’t win. Lou is leading the charge. I heard her talking about it.’

  I frowned. Something about the way he said that didn’t ring true. ‘Are you hoping that I’ll confront her on camera and that fireworks will ensue?’ I enquired.

  His eyes widened. ‘Of course not! I would never do such a thing. You can absolutely trust me, Ivy. I’m on your side. All the way.’ He punched his chest for effect.

  His protests were far too vociferous to be anything other than lies. Good grief, there was a lot to have to try and keep track of. Witches like Tarquin, with their wheeling and dealing to inveigle their way into better positions, had nothing on reality television.

  ‘Mmm.’ I watched Bellows and Brutus approach Armstrong, who was directing a group of cameramen to get ready for the challenge. ‘What’s the deal with Trevor? What else has he been up to?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  I shrugged. ‘Harriet suggested he was busy with … other things.’

  Barry’s cheeks flushed. That was interesting. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He checked his watch. ‘We’re starting in less than thirty minutes. The other two teams will be here shortly. You should prepare. Warm up or … something.’

  Or something, indeed. He turned and walked away, pretending to look occupied.

  Nibbling my lip, I wove my way through the crew towards Winter. He looked up, watching as I approached.

  ‘Hey.’

  His eyes softened. ‘Hey.’

  We smiled at each other for an all-too-brief moment. Then I shook myself and drew him aside, quickly filling him in on all I’d learnt about Belinda and her mysterious vial.

  Winter’s expression darkened. ‘We need to find out what it is. It might be time to bring her in for questioning.’

  ‘Won’t that tip our hand?’

  He rubbed his cheek. ‘There’s been no sight or sound of anything untoward since the blood in Bellows’ trailer. Either our necromancer has gone to ground or something else is being prepared. Something bigger and nastier than we’ve already seen. We need to prevent any more deaths from occurring.’

  We both turned in Belinda’s direction. She was sitting in a chair with a make-up artist dabbing at her face with some kind of powder. ‘She’s hard as nails,’ I said. ‘And all the evidence so far points in her direction. But there’s no motive and I find it hard to believe she could be capable of such a thing.’

  ‘Because you’re a fan?’

  I shrugged. ‘Yeah, maybe.’ I sighed. ‘You should never meet your heroes. They only ever disappoint.’

  ‘And here was me thinking I was your hero.’ Winter’s tone was light.

  I turned and met his eyes. ‘You are.’

  ‘Do I disappoint you?’

  I didn’t smile this time. ‘Never.’

  He edged a bit closer and I caught a whiff of spicy aftershave. Winter didn’t often bother wearing it – was he trying to impress me? It was certainly working.

  ‘You look like you’re feeling better,’ he murmured.

  ‘I am. Whatever caused that hallucination yesterday must have been mild.’

  ‘You still need to be careful, Ivy,’ he cautioned. ‘You might be being targeted.’

  ‘I might be. But it might not be anything to do with our necromancer. Bellows, for example, can’t wait for me to get booted off.’

  A gleam lit Winter’s eyes. ‘He knows you’re better than him.’

  I grinned. ‘Yeah.’ I thought about what Harriet had said. ‘There’s more going on with Trevor Bellows than we know. He’s been up to something else besides all the show stuff.’

  Winter agreed. ‘When you lot are off filming this challenge, I plan to take advantage of the chance to investigate both him and Belinda. I only came to see if you were alright. As soon as I get the chance, I’m heading back to the main set to sneak into their trailers.’

  ‘Raphael Winter!’ I said, with a mock gasp. ‘Are you really going to enter someone’s domain without a warrant? How shocking!’

  ‘Someone’s dead,’ he reminded me. A muscle throbbed in his jaw. ‘And someone tried to hurt you yesterday.’

  Barry started waving at me. ‘Ivy! Get over here! We’re starting!’

  I sighed. This contestant malarkey was becoming irritating. ‘Time to go. I’ll try to get hold of Belinda’s vial so we can find out for sure whether she’s involved. It’ll be better if she doesn’t know what we’re up to just yet. If she is our necromancer then she has a hell of a lot of power. We don’t want it unleashed unless we’re sure we can contain it.’

  Winter smiled. ‘I’m glad to see you’re being sensible for once.’

  ‘I’m sure it won’t last. Not unless there are more necromancers around. Anything to do with dead bodies scares the bejesus out of me.’ I shivered.

  ‘Be careful.’

  I gave him a hard look. ‘You too.’ I stretched up on my tiptoes. ‘I can’t have my hero getting into trouble for breaking and entering,’ I whispered in his ear.

  Both corners of Winter’s mouth crooked up.

  Chapter Sixteen

  We were walked through the challenge by Morris Armstrong, alongside our producers. The other two teams of contestants looked considerably worse for wear; the last team to arrive sported weary expressions and several bruises. When I caught one of them muttering about how sore her legs were after marching up a mountain, I allowed myself a satisfied smirk. Unfortunately Mike was too busy flexing to hear her.

  Previous challenges on Enchantment had been guided by location and this was no different. To begin with, there was the excruciating obstacle course to complete. Armstrong pointed out the rope swings, a precarious-looking balance beam and the marshy mud pit. Once those had been traversed, we were supposed to assemble a Celtic knot to unlock a box and reveal a magic wand. When the wand was pointed at the finish line, with the not-so-immortal words of ‘Enchantment commands you’, our names would be revealed in puffs of multi-coloured smoke.

  ‘Of course,’ Armstrong said with a knowing wink, ‘there are layers of magic built into this challenge which will not be revealed to you beforehand.’

  I nodded, unsurprised. It was typical for there to be few magical demands put on contestants in the early stages for the simple reason that few of us could perform any spells of consequence. However, the show was called Enchantment; there had to be magic of some form or another to satisfy the watching public.

  I didn’t really rate my chances of winning. I wasn’t fit and I knew that it would take me far longer than anyone else to get across the obstacles. Even Lou would probably be faster. And it didn’t seem particularly wise to exert my own magical abilities too far after the events of yesterday. Despite both my
and Winter’s suspicions that my exhausted hallucinations had been caused by something nefarious, I couldn’t discard the idea that I’d simply cast too many spells. I had to be careful. After all, who knew when another real zombie would appear?

  Taking up our allotted places, I glanced down the line. The others’ expressions ran from grimly determined to absolute glee. I sighed. Then a camera was thrust in my face and Barry, staying well out of shot, addressed me. ‘How are you feeling about this, Ivy?’ he enquired.

  I knew the protocol. I had to answer in full sentences to make it appear as if I’d not been prompted to speak. I considered the fact that I was never going to win or save myself from the upcoming vote and spoke carefully.

  ‘I’m feeling terrified,’ I confessed, widening my eyes for emphasis and speaking loudly so that the other contestants could hear. I looked down at myself. ‘I’m not really built for athletics and some of those obstacles look almost insurmountable.’

  It clearly wasn’t the answer Barry was looking for. He frowned slightly and nudged me some more. ‘There must be some spells you have up your sleeve that will help you to compete with some of the more sporty contestants.’

  I spotted Mike giving me a sidelong glance, apparently waiting to hear my answer. No prizes for guessing what he was thinking. From his body language he was raring to go – and he seemed absolutely convinced that he was going to win.

  I let out a tinkle of laughter. I couldn’t have sounded more fake if I’d set off in a spaceship named The Majestic Untruth on course for the Fraudulent Galaxy. ‘I’m not an accomplished Order witch. The only spells I can perform are mere tricks and sleights of hand.’ I pasted on a rueful expression. ‘Maybe if I could sprout myself a pair of wings, I could soar over the obstacles. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s likely to happen.’

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Mazza run over to Belinda. She was standing to one side, talking into a mobile phone while her hair was being teased out and fluffed up by an attendant.

  Mazza handed Belinda a piece of paper that she perused with pursed lips before dismissing him. Even when he walked away his expression remained like that of an eager puppy. He looked even brighter when Amy crossed his path as she dashed off in the other direction on someone else’s bidding. Just watching her made me feel tired. Yeah, I might have an obstacle course to get over but things could always be worse.

  I flicked my attention back to Belinda. Unsurprisingly, there was no sign of the vial but I had no doubt that it was still round her neck. I wondered how badly it would go if I rugby-tackled her to the ground in order to snatch it from her. It’d probably be carnage. In a magic-less fight, I reckoned the primped and preened presenter would beat me hands down. It was just as well I had oodles of magic at my disposal. All I had to do was to come up with the right plan.

  ‘Ivy!’ Barry barked.

  I glanced at him, belatedly realising that he must have been asking me questions in a bid to get me to say something interesting – or incriminating – for the ever-rolling cameras. ‘Sorry. Could you repeat that?’

  He scrunched up his face in irritation before carefully smoothing his features. He was going to have to work on his acting skills if he wanted to get me to believe anything that came out of his mouth.

  Dropping his voice to a whisper so the others couldn’t hear him, he leaned towards me conspiratorially, although he still managed to keep away from the camera lens. ‘Don’t tell anyone you heard it from me,’ he said, ‘but one of the other teams has decided that you’re their strongest competition. To stop you from winning, they’re going to try to bring you down, probably during the obstacle course. They want to make sure you’re voted out first.’

  Yeah, yeah. I pushed back my hair. ‘Barry, I know you want to see me do more spells but you saw what happened yesterday. I have to be careful not to overdo it.’ It sounded like the perfect excuse for not trying very hard. I’d hallucinate every day of the week if it meant I didn’t have to put in too much effort.

  ‘The medics have cleared you. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t good to go,’ he sniffed. ‘And it would be so shameful if you were booted out first. Just think what all those Order witches who are watching would say.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Barry, honey. I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work. This would be a whole lot easier if you’d just tell the truth when you spoke to me. I can sniff out a lie at a hundred paces. ‘

  Instantly he seemed interested. ‘Because of magic?’

  ‘No. Because most people aren’t very good liars.’ I sighed. ‘I know you want to make good television because it makes you look better. But you have to know I’m not going to beat the others. You can fabricate as many stories as you like about what you’ve overheard but it’s not going to make a difference. If this relationship is ever going to work, we need to reach a mutual understanding.’

  Barry’s eyes shifted as he weighed up my words. ‘Fine,’ he said eventually. ‘You want the truth, you’ll get it. You were brought in to replace the contestant who we had lined to be the bitch.’

  ‘So I heard.’

  ‘We don’t have anyone else who’s nasty enough to draw the viewers’ anger. We need someone to be an object of hatred.’

  Finally he was being honest. I gave him an approving nod, followed by a frown. ‘If I’m horrible, or if I do something during this challenge to piss off the others, then I’ll definitely be voted out first.’ While in theory that wouldn’t be a bad thing, I wouldn’t get anywhere with my investigations if I were forced to leave the set.

  ‘We need someone nasty. If you’re not going to use magic, then be evil. I’ll make sure you stay in for at least the next few rounds.’

  ‘You can do that?’

  He looked down the line. ‘The rest of this lot are much easier to manipulate than you.’

  I didn’t think that was true. The contestants often seemed superfluous to what the producers wanted and the shenanigans they were aiming for, but that didn’t mean they were stupid. In fact, I reckoned they were smart enough to see which way the wind was blowing and act accordingly. After all, keep the crew on your side and you would probably be allowed to stick around for longer.

  Moonbeam sidled up. ‘What’s up, partners?’

  Barry scowled but, given Moonbeam’s ancestry, he stopped short of telling him to piss off – at least in so many words. ‘We’re having a quiet chat,’ he said. ‘Me and Ivy. You should go and make sure that Morris has everything he needs.’

  Moonbeam pretended not to hear him. ‘It looked like you were discussing strategy.’ He glanced at me. ‘I thought I was going to be your tactical expert.’

  ‘You are,’ I soothed. Ignoring Barry’s glare, I told him what Barry and I had been talking about.

  Moonbeam scratched his chin thoughtfully. ‘You won’t win if you’re the bitch.’

  ‘Maybe I’m not looking to win. Maybe I just want to get to the later stages.’ If Winter and I hadn’t found our necromancer before filming was over, we’d never find him. I flicked another look at Belinda. Or her.

  ‘Then it’s a good plan.’

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘That was decisive. You were telling me before not to start arguments.’

  ‘That was when I thought you were in this to win. Now I know it’s the grand prize you’re after.’

  ‘Eh?’

  Moonbeam grinned. ‘Longer lasting fame.’

  Good grief. That was most definitely not what I wanted. It sounded like hard work to me; I preferred a quiet life. All the same, I smiled back at him and bobbed my head towards Barry. ‘Then I shall do as you request.’ I paused. ‘Ask me those questions again.’

  Barry’s face filled with delight and he wasted no time. ‘How are you feeling about this, Ivy?’

  I bared my teeth. ‘I feel great. This obstacle course looks hard and I’m not very sporty, but have you seen what the rest of this lot look like? Besides, if any of them seem to be getting ahead of me, I m
ight cast a spell and trip them up. They’ll fall flat on their faces and I’ll stroll through the finish line as the winner. Piece. Of. Cake.’

  Moonbeam smiled in approval. Barry was almost giddy. ‘That was brilliant.’ He glanced at Armstrong, who was tapping his foot and looking irritated. ‘I should leave you now.’ He winked at me. ‘Good luck.’

  Armstrong beckoned Belinda and, with an imperious flick of her hair, she strolled up and took her place directly in front of the obstacle course. ‘Here we are, at the gateway of our very first challenge! The winner receives automatic immunity from the vote. Everyone else will be fair game.’ As she continued, I blocked out her voice and focused on how I could find out what her vial was really about. There had to be a way. ‘On your marks,’ Belinda beamed. ‘Get set… Go!’

  Everyone hurtled towards the first obstacle with extraordinary speed. I let them all pass then ambled forward. I was conserving my strength. As Belinda burbled away about who was in the lead, I took my time reaching the net and crouching down to get underneath it.

  ‘And Mike has already cleared the first obstacle while Ivy has only just reached it!’ Belinda yelled.

  Good for Mike. I hunkered down and began to shimmy through. Even with my glacial pace, this was hard work. The net snagged on my daft corset several times and, unwilling to expose more flesh than was absolutely necessary, I took my time freeing myself. By the time I scrambled out the other side, at least three of the others could barely be seen. I shrugged and moved up to the rope swing. This could work.

  Picking up speed, I flung myself towards it, snagging it with one hand. I let myself swing out. Then, in a moment of panic and with the rope burning the skin on my palm, I released it, dropped to the ground and rolled with a loud groan.

  I did my best to look hurt and squeezed my eyes shut. Then I opened the left one just a crack and peeked. Morris Armstrong waved to stop the proceedings and in less than a heartbeat a medic, Belinda and several cameras were surrounding me.

  ‘Ivy!’ Belinda said, her voice the epitome of concern. ‘What’s happened? Are you alright?’