The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  Cats everywhere grew increasingly dissatisfied with the frequency and quality of attention received, and soon fervent but anonymously penned pamphlets began to circulate. The most heralded tract was “A Petition for Proper Petting.”

  A groundswell of popular support for these notions gained steam. Our Founding Felines knew that to make cohabitation work, they must firmly establish the fundamentals governing affection, and thus a group of respected elders was convened. Known as the Angora Assembly, this distinguished delegation included some of our most famous historical figures, such as one-eyed tuxedo cat Puss of Massachusetts, fey long-hair Kitty Cat of New York, dander-plagued Cat of Delaware, ginger states-cat Puss Puss of New Jersey, and Atticus Broome of Pennsylvania.

  Kitty Cat of Virginia

  After much debate on human hand technique, an initial draft of the Laws of Petting was drawn up.

  However, dissenting member Kitty Cat of Virginia (no relation to Kitty Cat of New York), a foul-tempered Siamese, argued that this historic document must not merely illustrate the manner in which we shall be petted but should likewise establish a cat’s basic rights to be petted when, where, and for however long she wants.

  After a great deal of hissing and quick smacks to one another’s heads, these leaders finally came to agreement, and so ratified the Laws of Petting.

  To this day these Laws protect and govern our right to be petted in such manner and at such times as we require and demand.

  PREAMBLE TO THE LAWS OF PETTING

  We pussycats hereby decree that in order to maintain tranquility and harmony in the relations betwixt cat and human, it is resolved and ordained that cats shall be accorded these basic rights when being stroked, scratched, or snuggled.

  Article I: When ye shall walk within reaching distance of a human, said human is commanded to pet even if she clutch a grocery sack or race to extinguish a gristle flare on the stove. Should ye be occupying a stair in the middle of the staircase, ye must at minimum be accorded a quick skritch before being stepped over. Upon a head-butt or figure eight through a human’s legs, ye shall be petted in many varieties until ye be satisfied or become distracted by a thimble or an object of similar interest.

  Article II: Scratches behind the ears and neck shall at all times be dictated by random turns of thy head, and the human’s hand shall migrate accordingly.

  Article III: If thy belly be exposed, thy belly must be rubbed, except should ye be violently averse to having thy belly rubbed and take a swipe at the human, then thy belly should most definitely be left alone.

  Article IV: Aye, shall ye be scratched right in that sweet spot by the tail!

  Article V: Shall ye rest upon a lap, ye must be provided with a bounty of strokes and scratches, which shall include, without limitation, thy ears and face, back and tail, and for a time that ye shall determine. Nay, no potboiler, nor loom, nor cross-stitch sampler shall come in the way of a cat’s rights in these regards.

  Article VI: Ye shall indicate petting is complete by wandering hither or jumping forth from a lap. However, shall ye take a bite of the hand, a swipe at the arm, or a full-on mad-eyed lunge at the human’s face, this, too, shall indicate that all further petting activities must cease. Ye shall not be punished, and the human should very well know what she did wrong.

  The ratification of the assembly of these cats, whose exact number is not determined as they oft wandered in and out of the Hall, shall be sufficient for the establishment of these Laws between humans and cats so ratifying the same.

  Though no humans were invited to the Assembly, these Laws they are duly bound to uphold.

  Later these Laws were amended, and the subjects of these amendments highlight the impassioned debates that came with great changes in our society throughout history.

  1st Amendment: Belly rubs may not be used as a sneaky ploy to clip tummy dreadlocks.

  2nd Amendment: Cat brushes may hereby be used in place of hands so long as we be allowed to chase and consume the chunks of fur that may float into the air.

  3rd Amendment: Grooming mitts are terrifying and are hereby prohibited.

  4th Amendment: All female humans shall hereby have those amazing new scratchy things called acrylic nails applied and they shall pretend these nails are race cars on our backs.

  5th Amendment: After having finally tried one, we hereby repeal the 3rd Amendment.

  6th Amendment: The rights accorded in Article V are hereby declared extended so that these, too, shall not infringe on a cat’s rights described therein: People magazine, microwave timer, reality-program finale, phone call from ex-boyfriend, or online game of Scrabble.

  Secrets of Daredevil Cats

  Cats aren’t shy about risking life and limb in pursuit of thrills. One day it’s a blink-of-an-eye stunt, taking you from the couch to the coffee table, off a chair, and onto a wheeled footrest that skids across the room. The next, it’s a headline-grabbing leap out the window of a high-rise building. Either way, you are awarded the awestruck admiration accorded all audacious cats.

  But have you ever asked yourself how we physically and mentally pull off such amazing feats? What is it that makes us capable of walking out on the ledge, walking off said ledge, and living to revel in glory?

  FEAR OF HEIGHTS? HA!

  No cat afraid of extreme heights is much of a daredevil. Humans have named our ability to stay poised at such elevations “High-Rise Syndrome.” We just call it “Walking Around.” Thinking we might hurt ourselves, humans try to protect us against our “overconfidence” with respect to lofty perches. It’s always hilarious to be called “overconfident” by a human.

  NO COLLARBONE? NO PROBLEM

  Cats do have clavicles but they are nonfunctional, a chief reason we’re able to perform the neat trick of squeezing through impossibly tight spaces. It also isn’t a bad thing when you’re landing from a fall. Evel Knievel had two collarbones and broke them both.

  RIGHT EVERY TIME (PART ONE)

  Why does a cat always land on its feet? One answer is rooted in physics, which requires understanding concepts of rotational motion. It’s much easier just to talk about the Righting Reflex, which is fun to say over and over.

  RIGHT EVERY TIME (PART TWO)

  The Righting Reflex is what allows us to orient our bodies to keep from tumbling through the air while falling. It is performed by bending at the middle so that the front half of the body rotates on an axis opposite to the rear half. The front legs come around first, then the rear. Everything is as it should be as we streak toward the ground for a perfect landing.

  CATS HAVE A NONFATAL TERMINAL VELOCITY

  A falling cat cannot exceed 60 mph. This is an important reason we’re able to survive long falls. Small size, light bone structure, and a coat of fur all help keep our terminal velocity low. By comparison, a human’s terminal velocity is 130 mph. When it comes to walking away from a multistory landing, bigger is definitely not better.

  INABILITY TO FEEL REGRET

  Regret is not a feeling cats have to deal with, and that little fact frees us up to do some just plain crazy stuff. Without having to regret a decision, we’re always able to go for it!

  Wake Up!

  You’re winding down from a long night of diving across the hall after a coat button. Now the sun is coming up and you could use a little snack. But that bacon-grease-filled pan you were counting on is gone from the stove. And no matter how hard you look, there aren’t any food nuggets hiding under your dish. Actually, the more you think about it, you aren’t just peckish, you are STARVING! Literally wasting away before no one’s eyes! Where is your person? How can she be contentedly bundled under a bunch of blankets, drooling and snoring? Doesn’t she know you could die of hunger any second?

  If you could feed yourself, you would, but frankly it is impossible. Your person purchased a can opener designed in a discriminatory manner so as not to accommodate paws. Those newfangled pouches she brought home are like titanium to teeth. And that refrigerator she hides f
ood in is an impenetrable Fort Knox of delicious leftover chicken fajita and cream cheese.

  Of course there’s dry food in the bowl, but you’re keeping that for later.

  That leaves only one possible option. To save your very life your person needs to get up immediately and open something! Well, something you’re actually in the mood for, perhaps involving giblets, or a seafood component. Except, you’re not really feeling whitefish this morning, unless maybe if the whitefish is part of a deep-sea medley. But that’s a bridge you’ll cross when you come to it. Right now, you just need to focus on the problem at hand.

  While shrieking up a storm might seem to be the most straightforward attention-getter, you know that usually results in you being tossed out into the ol’ hallway with the door slammed in your face. Instead, try some of these more subtle ways to wake her up and get you fed (in escalating order):

  Face Touching: Ever so gently—no claws—place a paw on her cheek. Now smoosh, then release. Smoosh, then release. We recommend ten reps of three.

  Lick a Plastic Bag: Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. Wasn’t that annoying to read? Imagine what it sounds like if you just rolled in a few hours ago from margarita night out with the girls.

  Plastic department-store bags strewn around the bedroom floor aren’t just fun, they can be staunch allies in your quest to get grub. In the event your person is careful to hide her purchases and dispose of the bag evidence, a lamp shade or dry-cleaning bag are acceptable substitutes.

  Whack Something Repeatedly: Using your paw, rapidly whack at something in the room. It’s important that the something you choose to whack, in turn smacks into something else and makes a noise—a really irritating noise that you can commit to maintaining for at least ten minutes. The blinds or a hinged closet door are popular options. If nothing in the room happens to fit the bill, scratching the wallpaper works just as well.

  Hair Chewing and Licking: Start by nibbling the ends, build up to a gnaw and finish with a series of aggressive tugs. Should your person have short hair unsuitable for chewing, treat her to a full head grooming instead. These techniques are designed to really get her attention, but they may well get you kicked off the bed. If she doesn’t get up and follow, jump back up there and move on to the next, and final, step.

  Hand Licking/Biting: Your sandpapery tongue will awaken her briefly, and she’ll probably be touched by your little display of affection. That’s the time to drive home the immediacy of your desperate situation with a startling nip. Be careful not to bite too hard and draw blood. You need that hand operational for food-dispensing duties. If for some reason one bite isn’t enough, be prepared for an encore or two.

  At this point she’ll probably realize her alarm is going to go off in thirty minutes anyway, so she might as well just get out of bed and feed you.

  But what if she actually does dole out plain old whitefish? Just walk away and take a nap on that big warm spot on the bed.

  Stowaway Stories

  Cats are born with wanderlust. We all crave the romance of the highway, spirited sailing adventures, and the chance to shed all over the most opulent salons of Paris. Even the most mild among us generally enjoy rubbing on new people, staring at different cultures, and refusing to eat local cuisines. But some cats don’t just dream of doing these things—they get out there and do them, by stowing away.

  Stowing away is the perfect choice for a cat who’s ready to see the world beyond her person’s home, without the exhausting preparation and expense that normally comes with traveling. It’s easy enough for any cat to do. Just fall asleep in something, wait for it to start moving, and you’re on your way! No reservations or ticket required.*1

  These are the real-life tales of three brave stowaways, and what happened to them out on the open road.

  ZIGGY

  Ziggy was a fluffy white cat with two different-colored eyes, just like his namesake, Ziggy Stardust. But Ziggy wasn’t a rock star from outer space. He was a kitty from Haifa, Israel, with a thirst for culinary adventure. So one day, he curled up in a shipping crate, and let Fate take him where it would. Ziggy didn’t much care where he landed, so long as the living was easy and the cuisine memorable.

  He ended up on a seventeen-day, 2,000-mile voyage across the sea to the town of Lancashire, England. Lancashire’s known for lots of things. Cat food is not one of them. Ziggy refused to let the dubious destination dampen his enthusiasm. When his crate opened, he darted out and headed straight to the local pub, where he enjoyed a surprisingly good pint of Lancashire ale and the tastiest black pudding he ever had. It may have taken seventeen days to get there, but Ziggy thought every bite was worth it.

  GRACIE MAE

  Looking for a nice spot to snooze, Florida tabby Gracie Mae stumbled upon a cushy box filled with clothes. Wasn’t she in luck! As Gracie climbed in, she briefly wondered why she hadn’t noticed this choice spot before. Gracie soon fell sound asleep. That’s when the strange dreams started. A cozy box…a car ride…an airport…a noisy machine that took her picture.

  It was only when Gracie awoke in a cramped, dark space that she realized it wasn’t a dream at all. She had been in the airport. That cozy box she’d climbed into was her person’s suitcase, and he hadn’t noticed her when he finished packing. Instead, he’d zipped it up and checked the bag with the airline. Now Gracie was in the cargo section of an airplane—and she was the only one who knew it!

  After a chilly trip without snacks or beverages, Gracie’s plane finally landed in Fort Worth, Texas. She took a few rough rides around the luggage carousel before the bag was picked up. Finally, she thought, this whole mess will be sorted out.

  But the mess was far from over. The suitcase was picked up—but not by Gracie’s person. A stranger mistook the bag for hers, took it home, and opened it up. Gracie and the stranger were equally surprised. The stranger was not expecting to find a cat, and Gracie had never seen someone wearing a ten-gallon hat.

  The lady checked the tag and called Gracie’s person, who was equally shocked to hear that his cat was in the Longhorn state. Gracie was sent back on her way, but not before a little bit of sightseeing and a hearty taste of Texas-style chili.

  MIRACLE

  A little gray stray from Newark, New Jersey, Miracle had always wanted to go to Philadelphia. He wanted to run up and down the steps outside the art museum like his idol, Rocky Balboa.

  There was only one problem. Miracle didn’t know where Philadelphia was. So when he heard about an SUV that was taking something called the “turnpike” in that direction, he climbed underneath to hitch a ride.

  Little Miracle made it some seventy miles before another driver noticed him clinging to the car and frantically waved down the driver of the SUV. Everyone was amazed that Miracle had avoided serious injury—one bad bump could have easily killed him. When the good people got him out he was missing a claw, and his paws were a little singed—but other than those little things, he was A-OK. That’s why they named him Miracle.

  After that, an animal services agency put Miracle up for adoption. Within days the tough little kitty had a loving home. Miracle still hasn’t made it to Philly, but we know he will someday. He’s already proved to be one heck of a fighter.

  Relatives and Ancestors

  You might be surprised to learn that the domestic cat (you) is not the only kind of cat in existence. On the contrary, there are dozens of other cat species in this great world of ours, and you are related to all of them. Like relatives everywhere, they have quirks and foibles you need to be aware of, lest any decide to drop by unexpectedly. It hasn’t happened to anybody we know yet, but it’s better to be prepared. With that in mind, here is a clear, unbiased look at what we’ve heard about the other cats of the world.

  LEOPARDS

  Perhaps you’ve heard the expression “A leo
pard can’t change its spots.” It’s a stupid saying, because why would any cat want to change anything about itself? It does, however, give you the most pertinent information about leopards: They have spots, and are stubborn. Once they’ve made up their minds, they never change them. If a leopard wants to go out to grab a gazelle while he’s visiting you, don’t try telling him that there are no gazelles in your part of the world. It would be a waste of breath. Let him go. Maybe he’ll catch a deer or a cow and think it’s a gazelle, and then you’ll both be happy. This brings us to our next point, which is that leopards are good hunters. They live in Africa.

  CHEETAHS

  Cheetahs apparently also have spots, but for some reason we’ve never heard anyone make up clever adages about them. What we do know, thanks to passing by the television during a program, is that cheetahs are very fast. Like, if Superman’s cat and a cheetah were to get in a race, the cheetah would win. This speed helps them win Olympic gold medals in track, and makes them handy for parcel delivery. They are also annoying show-offs who want to race all the time. If you humor them by participating, they will win and want to race again. And again. They just get superexcited about running. The best thing you can do is send them off to see how long it takes them to run around the block a hundred times.