The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  TIGERS

  Tigers like to swim. SWIM! That means they like to go IN the water and stay there for an extended period of time. Cuckoo! You’d think, based on that, there wouldn’t be any relation, but one look at them pretty much confirms it. They may be huge (bigger than all your other relatives, even), but the family resemblance is there. The sharp incisors. The whiskers. The ears. The twitchy tail. But they have stripes like a zebra. Zebras like swimming. Zebras are also bigger than most cats. Therefore, it is obvious that a tiger is half cat and half zebra. They’re still your relatives, though, so be respectful, which is actually easy because tigers are very polite. They won’t leave big muddy paw prints in your house, and they will usually bring a carcass they picked up on the way over.

  JAGUARS

  Jaguars are laid-back, and, with their keen sense of hearing, they make good listeners. They are also excellent at preparing meals, making them great guests. Don’t believe us? If one should stop by the house and you don’t have anything to eat, he will apologize for dropping by unexpectedly and whip up a delicious five-course meal just from stuff you had lying around. Also—this is really cool—they have the strongest jaws of all cats and can bite right through a skull. Yeah, gross, but cool. They also have some pretty funny stories about living in the jungle. Like the one about the monkey that rode the giraffe like a cowboy. We’d tell you the whole thing, but it’s better when they do it.

  LIONS

  Lions will be the first to tell you that they are Kings of the Jungle. Don’t tell them otherwise or you’ll have a roaring fit on your hands. Definitely don’t point out that they don’t live in the jungle, either. They hate that. The main thing about lions is that they are really full of themselves. Get a little meat in them and they go on and on about how important they are and how much work it is to keep order in their kingdom, and how they are so important. They don’t ask how your day was at all. Man lions have a ring of long hair around their necks called a mane. They hang out in groups called prides. They live in Africa, as well.

  OCELOTS

  Size-wise, ocelots are somewhere between us and a jaguar. Because of their in-between status, they just want to fit in, so they’ll do anything for a laugh. That’s great, for a while, but it can get pretty annoying when it’s nothing but The Ocelot Show. You usually have to do what they want to do, otherwise they won’t show up. Besides those traits, they’re not that bad.

  BOBCATS

  Of all your relatives, the bobcat is the most likely to pay you a visit, partially since they are the most closely related, but mainly because they live on the same landmass as you. Don’t expect a lot from them. Visits can be awkward and stilted, since they are loners by nature. Usually, they’ll sit quietly and smoke. If you try to engage one in conversation, he’ll just answer “Yes” or “No” or “Rabbits.” The jury is still out on whether this is because they are stuck up or just shy. Just remember to keep your chin up and be nice. Maybe you can get them to open up with kindness.

  SABER-TOOTHED TIGERS

  Saber-toothed tigers were our way-way-way-back ancestors. Like, before your mom and her mom and her mom. That old. As such, it’s hard to say what they were really like. Based on cave drawings and pictures in museum books, they lived with cavemen and had huge teeth. They probably fought dinosaurs, and when they purred, it could have sounded like a motorcycle. Since they’re extinct, there’s not much of a chance that one will stop by. If one does, make sure to take a picture, because no one will believe you otherwise.

  Choosing the Perfect Gift

  There’s a persistent myth that cats are selfish creatures. Nothing could be further from the truth. Felines love to show their appreciation for friendly gestures. We adore giving gifts nearly as much as we enjoy getting them, and it’s one of the many things we excel at.

  Though some cats find public displays of affection distasteful, gift giving is universally thought of as a classy way to show you care. If you just want to say thanks for a good scratch under the chin, a little taste of half-and-half, or a timely can of food, it can usually be accomplished with an affectionate head butt. For the times when you need to say more, give a gift. Here are some wonderful gifts to help you mark almost any occasion.

  BIRDS

  A perennial gift and timeless cat classic. With their soft feathers and bright plumage, birds never go out of style and won’t fail to elicit a spirited response. Leave one at your person’s feet for a gift she’ll never forget. As always, presentation is important. Scatter feathers leading up to the side of the bed, to the edge of a relaxing bubble bath, or just let her find it on her own! Whether she’s celebrating an engagement or anniversary, getting over a bad breakup, or simply wearing sweats and bawling in between spoonfuls of mocha-chip ice cream, the versatile bird is just the thing to lift her spirits.

  MICE

  Sometimes you want a gift that does the talking for you. When you just don’t have the meows for what it is you’re trying to say, say it with a mouse. You can give your person a mouse for any reason, but the best reason to give one is for no reason at all. A mouse is the perfect way for the quiet cat to say, “I love you, just because.” Giving a mouse isn’t a showy gesture. It’s a reminder that you care enough to keep your person’s home rodent free. Place one of these guys in your water dish, or, better yet, tucked neatly into a running shoe, as a special surprise.

  INSECTS

  From the mighty cicada to the lowly cockroach, these small tokens of affection are unrivaled in variety and appearance. They come in a broad range of colors, so be sure to choose one that suits your person’s tastes and matches their décor. Bugs are also crunchy and delicious, and you will most certainly want to eat them, but hold back if you can. Instead, chew them up just enough to show you’ve put some effort in to it. Give insects whenever someone gets a new job, or if there’s a new addition to the family, but especially if your person is moving to a new home. Insects make great housewarming gifts.

  A word of caution: It may seem odd, but some people react poorly when presented with a bird, mouse, or insect. Even more bizarre is how they tend to do this most when you’ve actually gone through the extra trouble of snapping the neck just so, getting the carcass good and bloody, and artfully spreading the guts around.

  Does a poor response mean it’s a bad gift? Absolutely not. Cats have impeccable taste. We never give bad gifts. Your human might not like it at first, but eventually she’ll come around.

  Should you be unable to obtain a wildlife gift due to limited availability, here are a few more options.

  RIBBON

  It’s often said you should give the gift you hope to get, and who wouldn’t want a satiny, twirly piece of brightly colored ribbon? The color is up to you, but you’ll generally want to keep the ribbon about six to eight inches in length. Anything less will seem stingy, but too much and you’re bound to seem ostentatious. And if money’s a little tight? You can make your own ribbon by shredding wide strips off curtains, drapes, ties, blouses, bedsheets, and fancy dresses, or just about any item your human already loves.

  There’s an added bonus to giving this gift: Most humans don’t really know what to do with a piece of ribbon, except give it back to you to play with. So this one pays for itself.

  GIFT CARD

  It’s rare, but there are some cats out there who just aren’t very good at gift giving. Getting your human a gift card to her favorite store probably isn’t the best you can do, but at least it’s something.

  BALLPOINT PEN CAP

  The ballpoint pen cap is a popular choice for graduations, or when your person receives a promotion. They’re usually not hard to find, but people are always looking for them and are usually pleased to receive one. Of course, other things you find in the home, such as pencils, bottle tops, paper clips, and the like might suit your person better. Don’t be afraid to experiment.

  YOU

  That’s right—you! No matter what the occasion, you’re the perfect gift. You don’t cost
much, you’re always the right size, and you know your person already likes you. Just walk on over to her and offer up your belly for a real good rub. Then purr like the dickens. The only thing about this gift? It’s non-returnable. But don’t worry about that. You’re not going anywhere.

  Famous Cats of the Funny Pages

  When it comes to entertainment, cats get short shrift. There isn’t a lot out there that accurately depicts the breadth and richness of our lives. Sure, entertainment producers are always eager to cash in on our popularity by shoehorning the word “cat” in the title, but it’s usually nothing more than false advertising.

  Take, for example, songs about cats. It turns out that “Cat’s in the Cradle” isn’t even about cats, but rather the strained relationship between a human son and his self-obsessed dad, who probably doesn’t even own a cat. If you’re looking for a good movie about cats, the cultured feline might choose Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, only to find out that it’s mainly Burl Ives shouting. The musical Cats is nothing more than a gaudy burlesque, a minstrel show of people in cat-face makeup. Television shows? Forget about it.

  Where are we to turn for a positive cat role model?

  To the stuff that lines our litter box, that’s where. The comics page has long been a haven for cats looking for a voice of sanity in the media. Not all strips are accurate, but they’re a lot more entertaining than the ones about politically minded talking ducks. They almost always make you laugh, but sometimes, they make you think. Unfortunately, cats in the comics are often paired with dogs, pointing to a dynamic that barely exists in real life. A comic artist who wanted to get rich would do very well to create a strip that focused on a cat sleeping or tossing a toy around. That would be the funniest comic ever.

  These are some of the most influential cats who have appeared in the medium.

  KRAZY KAT

  Krazy Kat, drawn by George Herriman, is lauded as one of the all-time great comic strips by human nerds. Marked by its surreal southwestern setting, its playful placement of panels and poetic language, the strip stands as a high-water mark for these comics aficionados. In reality, its laughable characterization of cats still rubs a lot of felines the wrong way. Krazy Kat, the lead character, is in love with a German mouse named Ignatz. Most cats do love mice, but for dinner, not romantically. This lovesickness is probably what makes her krazy. Ignatz hates Krazy, and often throws a brick at her, as if a tiny mouse could raise a brick, let alone hurl it with any force or accuracy. Even if a mouse were able to achieve such a feat, that mouse would be batted around like a superball shortly thereafter. Although not true to a cat’s spirit, we do owe a great deal to the fact that Krazy Kat opened the door for other cats to follow.

  HEATHCLIFF

  The 1973 appearance of Heathcliff really set the standard for a sympathetic depiction of cats in the comics. Though his actions were often less than accurate—such as how he brazenly flips the lids off garbage cans instead of stealthily pushing them off and hiding until the noise dies down—Heathcliff captures the essence of being a cat, albeit a brazen tom, and not a refined house cat. Unlike the comic cats that have followed, he does it without uttering a word in the human tongue. As of late, Heathcliff has been given to performing more human activities than in the strip’s heyday. This may diminish the character, but not the standard he’s set.

  GARFIELD

  Without a doubt, Garfield is the ten-ton gorilla in the comics room. Or ten-ton cat! Garfield is fat, lazy, and proud of it; he hates Mondays and loves lasagna. He spends a lot of time sitting around the house, and that kitten Nermal really gets on his nerves! Garfield’s penchant for eating is definitely on the mark, although he often eats foods that most cats would steer clear of. His relation with Odie the dog approaches the sublime; Garfield is definitely the boss, but will periodically cave in to a display of affection. One major flaw is that it’s never really explained how his dim-witted person, Jon, can understand him when Garfield is thinking, not talking. In this respect, it’s more fantasy than an accurate depiction of a cat’s life, though if more owners had the telepathic link that Garfield and Jon apparently share, the world would be a much better place.

  BILL THE CAT

  Has anyone ever said so much with such a limited vocabulary? With a simple “ack” and “pbbbtttht,” Bloom County’s Bill the Cat charmed his way into American hearts. Hairballs, litter boxes, a deep-rooted love of inactivity—Bill puts it all out there for cats and people alike to see, and damn the consequences. He’s a legend, a celebration of the very essence of what it is to be a feline, and a role model for all catkind. To him, we say, “Ack.”

  CATBERT

  Catbert appears in the comic strip Dilbert. He works in the same office as the titular character and is frequently employed to strike fear into the hearts of the low-level workers there. He is portrayed as an evil genius, so kudos to creator Scott Adams for getting the genius part right. However, the idea of a cat working beneath a human in a corporation is absurd. If a cat was to work for a human company, it would certainly be at the top. Second, the cat wears spectacles. Right. Third, you never see Catbert taking a nap. He couldn’t possibly have the energy to conduct business without taking numerous restorative respites. While it’s good to see a cat in a position of power, it is only through assuming the trappings of humans that he gets ahead in the business world. Dilbert is apparently very popular, but would probably be more so if Catbert appeared more frequently.

  BUCKY KATT

  The star of Get Fuzzy, silly Siamese Bucky Katt has the ambivalent attitude cats of all stripes can look to for guidance. Bucky is constantly frustrated by his roommate dog, Satchel, and his person, Rob, merely because they do not appreciate the fact that he acts in accordance with common cat sense. Although he is one of three primary characters, Bucky is clearly the hero of the strip, as most of the action is the result of his antics. Despite this, the strip could easily be improved with less cross-species talking and more hissing. Further, Bucky’s “in your face” attitude is played more for laughs than serious drama, and that reinforces a certain grotesque caricature of cats that many humans hold.

  MOOCH

  What’s to like about a cat who is written with a speech impediment? A whole lot. Mooch, the best thing about the poorly named strip Mutts, is a very calm, insightful cat who is a pillar of zen in a chaotic world. Even though his best friend is a dog, Mooch accurately and positively depicts the best things in life: knocking things off of shelves, napping, and watching life go by. Equally important, Mooch is cute as a kitten, which makes even his least admirable traits enjoyable.

  What’s in There?

  Cats have a thirst for knowledge and an innate curiosity about the world around us. We want to know how humans make the water flow in the sink like that. We crave insight as to why anyone thinks we’re fooled by fake mousies, but at the same time, we wonder why we are still drawn to chase them. We yearn to find out what’s in the bag that got set down just a second ago. In fact, if we don’t find those things out, right now, it will simply make us crazy. CRAZY WITH CURIOSITY!

  As a feline trait, curiosity is second to none. A cat would turn her attention from a deaf mouse with a limp if she could find out what that bouncing light on the wall is, yet this curiosity is often thwarted by the very humans who purport to care for us.

  Our people’s grotesque size and opposable thumbs give them easy access, allowing them to deftly open doors and look atop the tallest cupboards. If that is the case, then why do they pull out all stops when it comes to keeping us from having our just peeks? We are shooed, scooted, and scrammed away at every opportunity. Would it kill them to give us one little look-see? Since they don’t want us in those places, it has to be good!

  So what’s in those tantalizing spots? After our own exhaustive research and enormous amounts of wild speculation, we have found the answers. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the opportunity to verify our findings yourself. Poke, peek, and send in your observations if they confl
ict with the ones contained herein.

  THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE SINK

  One would think that this spot is a breeze to get into. Nothing but a flimsy piece of wood separates us from this spot. Yet a cat can spend hours trying to work the door open, trying time and time again, only to come up empty-pawed in the end. Curse the wretched being who installed these doors!

  So What’s in There?

  The next time you see your person reaching into the cupboard, take note of what she does. Sometimes she might scrape the contents of a plate or throw an old newspaper under there. Other times she may remove a brightly colored bottle or can. By using a cat’s impeccable abilities of deduction, it is obvious that the cupboard houses a little factory in which raw materials are converted into household cleaning products.

  THE MEDICINE CABINET

  To look at it, you wouldn’t think there was much to the medicine cabinet. In fact, the most interesting thing about it is the mirror, where you can see how ravishing you are. In the morning, however, when your person is getting ready to leave the house, she grabs the mirror and pulls it open, revealing a hollow space filled with things you are dying to check out. Only you can’t, because any attempt to get up there gets you tossed to the floor. It’s not medicine being kept in this so-called “medicine cabinet.” What’s the big secret?