The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

The caps are small pieces of plastic designed to fit snugly over each of the front claws. Sets come in an array of embarrassing colors such as green, blue, and, worst of all, orange. Cats forced to suffer the indignity of wearing plastic claw covers additionally look trashy.

  The bad news is that kittens are a vulnerable group. Many actually accept the caps as an arty fashion statement.

  The good news is kittens outgrow that and soon become their own cats, and no cat will be controlled by a human.

  Your Attention Span

  Humans like to joke about the inconsistent nature of a cat’s attention span. What they simply fail to recognize is that when we “spazz,” we’re just exhibiting a kind of environmental hyperawareness that helps us stay in tune with our surroundings.

  Take a look at that sunbeam, for example. It’s just the kind of thing that humans ignore every day. Too bad. Isn’t sunlight cool? Or, rather, warm. That’s what’s so cool about it. There was a show on the television once. It was about the stars. Carl Sagan was in it. What do you think of turtlenecks?

  It’s so weird how TV gets into your house. Why don’t we eat turtles? Going fast is awesome. Watch! Vroooooomm, vroom, zoooooooom! Hey, let’s play hidey. Or pretend. No, let’s play cat and vet! Who gets to be the cat?

  Cats are capable of paying more attention to more things at one time than anybody. In fact, studies show that our average attention span ranges anywhere from two to ten minutes. But you know what’s better than paying attention? Belly rubs. Oh, man. The way it makes your tummy feel all tingly? Fantastic. You gotta really trust somebody to let them give you one, though. String beans.

  Do you think we’ll ever enjoy commercial, affordable spaceflight? Teriyaki chicken and rice is pretty good. Teriyaki. Is that a fish? Does that mean spicy? Cat food is so good. It probably costs like a thousand dollars. Bet you a thousand dollars weighs a thousand pounds. Quarters are shiny. Did you ever spend the whole day chasing one? Another thing humans don’t understand is that we cats can pay attention to whatever we want, for as long as we want, but only when we find something interesting. We have the best attention-paying skills, period. You can take that to the bank! You know what else is great? Bicycles.

  We’re just so lucky that we can look up and see stars and planets and all that stuff at night. It’s really fascinating. Maybe Carl Sagan had a cat. Probably named Cosmo! He might have had another cat. The sky is like a bunch of swirly blinky lights. But wait—what about tinfoil? It’s hilarious!

  In summation, if humans just paid a little more attention themselves, they’d understand that cats are very busy multitaskers. We’re constantly looking after things, noticing tiny changes in our environment, and responding to them. Rather than being fundamentally distracted, we’re actually extremely attentive. Meanwhile, people are always mucking things up. Forgetting to run to the bank, forgetting to buy litter. If it weren’t for all their little day planners, they’d probably forget their own birthdays. When’s your birthday? Is it today? You should have a party! Will there be treats? Will there be clowns? No clowns! They’re frightening. But balloons are fine. Balloons are great. Everybody loves balloons.

  Fat Cats

  HEY—WIDE LOAD!

  If you’re a bit on the jiggly side, it’s likely you’ve been addressed in such a manner. Your person’s also probably thrown Captain Waddle-Butt, Eat Machine, and Great Big Fluff Ball of Butter into the mix as well.

  People have a habit of making up confusing new names for their chubby kitties. The first time it happens, you may be concerned that your person can’t remember your name. What if she has brain worms? Or, worse, what if she thinks you are a different cat? But then it dawns on you that she’s just using a bunch of “cutesy” colloquialisms to point out the fact that you are fat! Fatty fat fat!

  As if there’s something wrong with that. You’ve got all the awesome things a cat brings to the table, but in a supersized container. Of course you like to eat. Food is delicious. And your person puts it out for you, so eating as much of it as you can just shows an appreciation of her efforts. There certainly is no portion-control function on the bowl that you can see. In fact, she makes three kinds of dry food and two kinds of wet food available daily. Just yesterday she even quite willingly gave you that tub of sour cream to lick clean.

  Let’s take a look at the facts. A study funded by the Snuggle Institute has proven that moderately sized cats get moderate doses of attention. Cats weighing over thirteen pounds are on the receiving end of an astounding 85 percent more belly rubs than their leaner sisters. Additionally, smooches and squishes are dished out in significantly larger portions to the more ample-sized. In short, big cats are loved in a big way.

  So what’s with the mixed messages? It’s likely your person has fallen victim to the media’s obsession with unrealistic body image and almost exclusive focus on willowy kittens.

  The good news is that the new digital landscape is finally giving fat cats their due. You don’t see pictures of fussy, skinny little tabbies getting forwarded all over the Internet. Who wants to brag about her merely average cat? Everyone’s uploading videos and photos of their bountiful beauties kicking back on the couch, watching TV like people. Those cats are famous!

  What’s important is to always remember that you are perfect just the way you are. And no matter what names your person calls you, know that she loves her big, beautiful cuddly baby more than anything else. Yes she does! Every fuzzy pound of you!

  FAT CATS MAKING A DIFFERENCE

  Mortimer, an 18½-pound Himalayan of Halifax, Nova Scotia, liked to spend his afternoons gnawing on the mail after it plopped through a slot in the door. As he tore through the envelope from the gas company each month, he started noticing the heating bills were soaring out of control. Fearing these costs might cut into his treat budget, Mortimer hatched a plan. He got much more needy, sprawling on his person’s chest at bedtime and anchoring on her lap during TV time. When his conservation efforts cut the yearly gas bill by almost $500, not only did Mortimer enjoy a bounty of treats, his person upgraded to a premium brand.

  Pumpkin Jr., a 17-pound orange tabby from Knoxville, Tennessee, lives with a different kind of person. He is a survivalist who, despite rarely leaving the house, is convinced someone’s always trying to poison him. Pumpkin Jr. gladly acts as his food taster, and the arrangement satisfies her hearty appetite just fine. Shrimp’s her favorite, so whenever he cooks some up, she acts as though it just might be poisonous till the last bite. And that’s a good thing. She’s been saving him from a fatal, yet undiagnosed, shellfish allergy for years.

  Tidbit, an Aberdeen, Washington, ragamuffin who clocks in at 183/8 pounds under his winter cardigan, is partial to sleeping sprawled out against the back door. In addition to keeping a pesky draft at bay, Tidbit’s heft also prevented two break-ins. That got Tidbit a spot on the news. Then a home alarm system company caught wind of it and he wound up with an endorsement deal. Now Tidbit’s a local celebrity, and he didn’t have to move from his spot for any of it.

  Felicia, a 20-pound Russian Blue hailing from St. Louis, Missouri, snuck out of her apartment and got lost in the hall. She was discovered by a neighbor, eighty-seven-year-old Iris Tidlebaum, who took Felicia back to her place to share some ice cream pie. It was Iris’s birthday and she was happy to enjoy it with some company. The pie was delicious and Felicia showed her appreciation by snuggling up in Iris’s lap. An hour later, a knock at the door revealed Felicia’s very relieved person. Iris was very sad to see her go, but in their short time together, fatty little Felicia gave Iris the will to live again.

  Getting Something You Really Need

  From chewing cords to throwing up on the most expensive rugs, everything a cat does is for good reason. We don’t act out of petty desires or whimsical notions. For example, you aren’t on top of the kitchen cabinet because you have a passing fancy to do some light dusting. You are there because you need to experience the kitchen from the most important strategic location in c
ase of a dog attack. On occasion, someone steps in and prevents you from satisfying your needs: your person. You are not without a means of correcting that situation. Here are nine common needs every cat will experience at one time or another, and the best ways to have those needs fulfilled.

  The Need

  The Obstacle

  The Solution

  You’ve had a hard day of napping and playing with some uncooperative string, and you need to be assured that you are special.

  Person is staring at a newspaper instead of you.

  Park yourself directly between her line of sight and the newspaper, or, better yet, sit directly on it.

  You want to spend crucial bonding time with your person.

  Person is on the computer, emailing some boy she likes.

  Walk on the power strip until her computer shuts down, then jump up for a cuddle.

  You want to save some leftover soft food for later.

  Your person throws away all uneaten food while “cleaning.”

  Drag a nearby throw rug to the vicinity and bury it underneath.

  You need some of those delicious chicken treats your owner keeps on hand for special occasions.

  Your owner is oblivious to the power of their deliciousness.

  Pretend it’s your birthday.

  Your primal urge to hunt is welling up inside.

  You knocked your last mousie under the closet door.

  Station yourself in front of the door, reaching under it as far as you can. Look pathetically at your person and meow. As soon as she fishes it out, knock it back under there.

  That pill in the person’s hand must not go down your throat.

  Your person is holding you down while popping your mouth open to make you swallow it.

  Move your head back and forth, knock her hands away with your paws, or force the pill out of the side of your mouth with your tongue. If there are two people in on the pill taking, swallow it as fast as possible and get it over with.

  It’s time for your favorite show, Amazing Buzzing Insect.

  The blinds are drawn.

  Climb under the blinds or bat at them until your person comes and opens them for you.

  You need to get some sleep.

  It’s 2:00 a.m. and the party guests won’t leave.

  Wander into the middle of the action and throw up on the floor. Watch the guests scatter.

  You need to send your person a reminder that it’s all about you.

  A strange human is taking up all your person’s time.

  Play up to the new human. Become your person’s rival for his affections.

  Extrasensory Pussycats

  Have you ever been absolutely certain your person was heading home, even though it was only noon and she should still be at work? You staked out your spot in the window, like it was her regular time to arrive home, and then—there she was, walking up the driveway, just like that!

  But how did you know?

  If she’d been sitting around the house, counting embezzlement money, you probably had a good sense she was on her way to getting canned. If not, it was likely a premonition borne out of certain special abilities you possess. Now, we’re not talking about your everyday special abilities, like being able to zero in on your new toy in a sea of shopping bags. These are extra-special abilities—and they are mental.

  But before you break out the crystal ball and set up a feline psychic hotline, know that these gifts are pretty common in cats, though they tend to be seen more frequently in the left-pawed among us. So if you’re a righty, go back to sleep. You’re probably just regular.

  Humans who have studied our uncanny talents often explain them away as reactions to smells, sounds, or changes in the magnetic field. But that’s just a bunch of lazy pseudoscience.

  The reality is that in addition to our already highly evolved brains, many of us have a high-wattage titanium-alloy antenna hidden deep within our tails.

  This instrument transmits signals to specific parts of the brain and unlocks certain mysterious features. Combined, they unleash the awesome powers of feline extrasensory perception!

  So, you may be wondering, if your brain-tail combo is so awesome, how come it’s only keeping track of your person’s humdrum schedule? Well, that’s its most basic function, sort of like a built-in BlackBerry. There are a whole lot more cool bells and whistles at your disposal.

  Finding Your Way Home: When a cat travels a long distance to get back to her person, the antenna taps into the GPS function of the temporal lobe (and, unlike human GPS systems, ours know where the detours are). A Persian mix named Sugar pushed the limits of this feature in the granddaddy journey of them all. Her family moved from California to Oklahoma, but sadly left her behind with friends because a hip deformity made it difficult for her to travel. After a few weeks, Sugar ran away from the friend’s place and fourteen months later showed up on her family’s doorstep in Oklahoma—1,500 miles from her original home, to a place she’d never been before, bum hip and all! Sugar’s GPS broke after that. Now she’s stuck in Oklahoma, but that’s okay, because she’s home now.

  Human Illness: You can always tell when your person is feeling under the weather. That’s because your tail antenna is equipped to act as a CAT scan, sending its readings to the brain for analysis. Sometimes this ability can even save a life. For instance, Tee-Cee, a no-nonsense tuxedo cat from England, regularly monitors his person’s vitals for the signs of an impending seizure. When Tee-Cee picks up signals that one is imminent, he gets right up in his person’s face and stares at him real good. Any time he starts doing that, his person’s family is ready to call for medical attention if needed. Because of his CAT scanner skills, Tee-Cee was even named 2006 Rescue Cat of the Year!

  The Final Hours: Even when very far apart, some cats know the moment their people pass away, and become visibly distressed. Other cats have the ability to recognize the onset of death in humans that aren’t even theirs. The most famous cat to put this to use is Oscar, unfortunately dubbed “the death cat,” but who actually should be known as “the comfort cat.”

  Oscar resides at a Providence, Rhode Island, nursing home and received international media attention after the facility’s staff noticed he’d curl up with patients several hours before they passed away. After Oscar had a streak of correct predictions, doctors decided to start notifying family members when he snuggled up with their loved one. This gave the families time to say goodbye, and if they couldn’t make it, Oscar was still there with the patients at the end. For his compassion, Oscar was presented with an award and has a plaque hanging at the facility in his honor.

  Earthquakes: Because of the antenna’s seismometer function, cats know when to scram before an earthquake hits. Historians have noted that in 373 B.C., cats fled the Greek city of Helice days before it was leveled by an earthquake (some other animals were also said to have fled, undoubtedly taking their cue from in-the-know cats). Chinese humans have long been aware of the ability cats have to predict quakes.

  In 1975, when cats started going haywire in the city of Haicheng, the place was evacuated. Several days later, a devastating earthquake hit. Those worked-up cats got the credit for saving thousands of human lives. Every tail antenna comes with its own special custom features, so keep testing yours out to see what else it can do. However, it’s important not to abuse your special abilities or allow anyone to take advantage of them. So if you discover a lottery predictor tucked away in there, we suggest keeping it to yourself. Otherwise your toys will be limited to white balls with numbers written on them from here on out.

  Booby-Trapping the Home

  One day you’re just excavating the gardenia and chewing on cords behind the TV, like usual. The next, everything’s a horrifying mess of tinfoil and double-sided tape. What gives? Your person has set up what are known as “booby traps.” She’s trying to keep you out of certain places, but sent her flunky foil and icky double-sided tape to do the dirty work.

  Has it ever occurred t
o her that there are areas you’d prefer to have all to yourself? Obviously not, or she wouldn’t be lying on the couch all the time.

  But there’s nothing stopping you from setting up booby traps of your own.

  STAIR TOYS

  Nothing’s worse than being sprawled out on your favorite stair, dreaming of a piping hot chipmunk tart, and getting the boot because someone’s trying to carry a hot water heater down to the basement. Don’t they know Tuesdays are no good for deliveries? To keep your person and her appliance-toting associates off the stairs, we recommend leaving strategically placed balls, mousies, and other toys in locations where they are sure to be stepped on or tripped over. Over time, your person should learn to avoid the area.

  HELLO HAIRBALL!

  Every well-groomed cat needs to hack up a hairball on occasion, so why not leave it in a key location to get a point across? Hairballs are versatile booby traps that can be used in a wide array of situations, and even on humans other than your person. When you want to dissuade a certain human from keeping company with your person, a hairball booby trap does the perfect trick. Just hack one up in his shoe. Nothing says “stay out of my house” quite like a leather loafer filled with your moist regurgitated fur. Consistently apply this technique over time and you will start seeing considerably less of this unsavory character.