The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

BATHTUB BOTTLE CAP

  When you get all pie-eyed and nutso, the bathtub is one of the best places to scramble around like a maniac. Except if your person was in there first. Then it’s all wet and nasty. Well, there’s a way to curb her inconsiderate behavior while also having a blast. Late at night, while she’s sound asleep, haul your favorite bottle cap into the tub and bat it around in the dark for hours of fun. When you’re done, leave it upside down, right near the center. Come morning when your bleary-eyed person hops in for her shower, she should step right on your booby trap. Even if she doesn’t, it may still manage to clog the drain.

  INDOOR WATERFALL

  Here’s a good tactic to use if your water dish is not being refreshed as often as you like. It’s difficult to pull off solo, as it involves a hoist, winch, and an intricate series of pulleys, so if there are other cats in the house to recruit, or if there’s a big, gullible dog you might finally put to some good use, seek them out.

  Locate a heavily trafficked door that is left slightly ajar and drag the dirty drinking bowl toward it. Now without spilling, hoist the bowl up and balance it cautiously on the top of that door. When your person pushes it open, the filthy water, filled with chunks of bloated dry food, litter bits, and dead insects, will come crashing down on her head. Guess who’s getting one of those fancy, constantly refreshing drinking fountains now?

  In Defense of Your Discriminating Palate

  We’ll be the first to admit that we’re highly opinionated around the food bowl. Cats like to take care of themselves, and are mindful of what they put into their bodies. We firmly believe that all vittles should be highly delectable.

  Yet unsavory meals are served to cats every day, in food bowls all across the country. Hearty giblets with gravy may sound like an appealing entrée, if served precisely at feline body temperature, on a spotless plate, accompanied by a bowl of fresh springwater. But if even one element is missing, you may as well eat a bowl of rocks that resemble hearty giblets with gravy, because that is what your dinner will taste like.

  Are we finicky? No. But we do know what we like. We also know what we don’t like, and we’re not afraid to turn our noses up at a sub-par meal.

  It’s no surprise that this behavior boggles your person’s mind. This is the same woman who throws perfectly good gizzards in the trash. Clearly, good taste is not her territory. She may never understand your special likes and dislikes, but perhaps by arming yourself with the following information, you can teach her how your so-called fussiness is really just a function of the unique cat anatomy—namely, your amazing nose and tongue.

  A NOSE FOR FLAVOR

  If the complaint against our species was possession of a keen and excellent sense of smell, we would plead guilty as charged. As with humans, cats’ noses work in conjunction with their taste buds. Not surprisingly, though, the cat’s nose is far superior to the human’s, and is thus used to greater effect. We use smell to help us detect extremely minute changes in food, which is how we know if prey is diseased, or if our wet food’s spoiled. It’s also how we know that the fisherman who caught the shrimp we’re refusing recently switched soaps. No offense, we just don’t find the lingering scent of Dial very pleasing on the whiskers.

  Our insistence on maximum freshness is a holdover characteristic from the days when we caught and killed everything we ate. Nowadays, the only thing most of us catch at mealtime is flak for being fusspots, but we still put a premium on eating food at its best. Our “secret weapon” for evaluating freshness and flavor is called the Jacobson’s organ. It’s located in the roof of the mouth and is connected to the nasal passages. By opening our mouths and sneering, we can actually smell and taste an odor at the same time. This action is called the Flehmen response. Its purpose is to capture the odor on the tongue, and send it to the Jacobson’s organ for analysis.

  THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE

  Once we’ve smelled a chicken drumstick and it’s passed muster, we might actually want to eat it. Luckily, our rough, barbed tongues are up for the job. With two sets of taste buds, we’re able to experience a wide array of delicate flavors and register all kinds of textures and shapes. The one thing we can’t really do is detect sweets. That doesn’t mean we don’t eat marshmallows, or want to eat marshmallows. It just means we can’t taste marshmallows.

  Another cool thing about our tongues is the small, bulbous papillae that cover them. We use these tiny hook-shaped bits to lick every last morsel of meat clean off the bone.

  We can also shape our tongues into very efficient spoons, in order to quickly lap up tasty fresh cream or water. It’s nature’s answer to the spork.

  If after this brief lesson you still find yourself accused of being an overly persnickety pussycat, we suggest you cut out the following list and tape it to the refrigerator door. While by no means exhaustive, it should clear up any lingering doubts regarding what you should be fed.

  WHAT WE WILL NOT EAT

  What is in the bowl

  Anything purchased in bulk

  The brand of cat food on sale this week Whopper Jr.

  Expensive organic supposedly healthy cat treats

  WHAT WE’LL EAT WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT

  Creamed corn

  Unattended raviolis

  Quarter Pounder with Cheese

  The occasional piece of plastic wrap

  Expensive organic supposedly healthy cat treats

  WHAT’S WRONG WITH OUR FOOD TODAY?

  Too salty

  Not salty enough

  Only mildly delicious

  Doesn’t look right

  Incorrect pH balance

  Several degrees too warm

  It really couldn’t be much simpler than that.

  Your First Kitty Condo—Making the Leap

  Home ownership is a dream of many cats. It’s also a pretty big, life-changing decision and not something to take lightly. As a first-time house hunter, carefully consider your needs and priorities while surveying the condo market. It will probably be your home for a long time. Don’t get stuck living out your golden years on a mangy, secondhand perch by the litter box.

  The first hurdle is securing an agent. This is tough, as the kitty condo real estate profession isn’t a particularly competitive field. In fact, your person is the only agent practicing in your area. Insist she put on a tan blazer so this part of your relationship can maintain a detached air of professionalism.

  As your agent will surely say, it’s all about location, location, location! Are you a sneaky, private cat looking to put down stakes in a secluded nook? Maybe you’re hoping for prime window-front property overlooking the bird feeder. Select a few favored areas and start spending time in them during different hours of the day. The south side of the guest room might seem like the ideal sun-splashed locale, but the ceiling above could get drippy when it rains. Also, don’t find out after it’s too late that you’re living next to the nightly meet-up spot for an opossum jamboree.

  Within each neighborhood you’ll find an array of choices for every lifestyle and budget. You might be satisfied with a simple bed atop a sisal-rope-covered pole; or you may crave variety and room to spread out. Whatever it is, be sure to make a decision based on what’s right for you. Just because that snooty Manx next door slinks around on a five-tiered unit custom-crafted to look like a Japanese pagoda doesn’t mean you need the same. Spending all your free time trying to maintain a big, empty, rug-covered castle just because you want to outdo your neighbor is no way to live.

  At this point your agent will start showing what’s currently on the market. If you see something you like, don’t rush into the deal. Always do a proper inspection before closing. A bunch of dangling ropes may seem like a great feature until you crash to the hardwood floor after one of the ropes yanks free under your weight.

  Your agent will likely show you several models similar to these:

  This shag duplex makes a cozy starter home. Embarrassing stains need not be a problem as the custom-carpet option all
ows you to choose the color most resembling your favorite shade of food!

  * * *

  A playground of your own!

  You want to be on there? How about under here? Oh, there’s a neat spot. Then you can shimmy down the pole and jump in there! With enough room to entertain, you can finally invite over all those cool cats who hang out in the alley.

  * * *

  Paradise!

  Crank up the Don Ho, scramble up the trunk, and relax in your very own faux coconut. Even if you live in Buffalo, every day can be a tropical dream with this beauty!

  * * *

  After checking out all the options with your agent, you might just realize that what you’re looking for could actually be right where you are. But first your person will need to lose that silly tan blazer and get herself a tool belt.

  Instead of a whole new abode, renovating your person’s home to meet your needs may be the way to go. There is limitless potential. With built-in shelves, wall-mounted perches, and suspended hammocks, it’s possible to transform an entire room into a magical Kitty Land!

  After all, what does your person really need an office for, anyway? That space couldn’t possibly be put to any better use than as your home sweet home!

  The Pros and Cons of Being Sullen

  Sometimes, cats are just in a bad mood. We wake up and just don’t have it in us to frolic, munch, or even nap. No, we are fussy, crabby, even cantankerous, and there’s no end in sight for such a mood. The good thing is that we don’t necessarily have to raise our spirits. Sometimes, the best thing one can do when feeling dour is to ride it out. Here are some factors to weigh when you are thinking about whether or not to wallow in a bad mood.

  PROS

  • You get a wide berth from your person and other animals in the house.

  • There’s finally a justification for swatting at anything or anyone that crosses your path.

  • Food tastes better when eaten with attitude.

  • Sitting sourly in one place allows your overworked muscles to relax.

  • Humans act like you are sick instead of cross, which can result in treats.

  • You can work on your screenplay about a cat who is the president.

  • By being completely still for a long period of time, a mouse may pass in front of you so that you can snatch it.

  • Being crabby settles the stomach.

  • Periods of sullen inactivity slow the heart and help you live a little longer.

  • It’s as good a reason as any to sit still and glower for hours on end.

  • You can mentally re-rank your favorite toys.

  • By assuming the sullen posture, you create a natural arch, one of the strongest of structural forms.

  • It’s good for your fur.

  • You can exercise your rarely used lower vocal range when you growl at everything.

  • Catch up on your bristling.

  • Calibrate your ears by moving them toward every little sound without moving the rest of your body.

  • Even though everything is always about you, everything is even more about you.

  • It makes your happier moods seem all the better when contrasted with your sullenness.

  • It transitions nicely into a refreshing nap.

  • You can spy on everyone in the house and take notes for later.

  • Being sullen enables you to tap into your primal jungle cat.

  • You can do an inventory of your body and make sure that all your parts are in place.

  • It helps you to memorize every aspect of the room, which makes for a great party trick later.

  • Your tail can get a good workout by whipping it around like a maniac.

  • Someone might come by and cheer you up against your better judgment by petting you.

  • After a while, you will forget what made you sullen in the first place.

  • If you stare hard and sullenly enough, you can see through walls.

  CONS

  • None come to mind.

  Outsmarting Your Toys

  Toys are a bit of an enigma. They simultaneously bug and beckon, and always manage to take you away at inopportune times from stuff you need to do. Think about it. Or maybe you can’t because a toy is in your face, distracting you, right now. That’s kind of the point. Playing with a toy that your person puts in front of you is unavoidable. You can, however, outsmart your toy so it stops bugging you. That way you’ll be able to get back to more important tasks much faster.

  TUNNELS

  Even though it isn’t exactly a toy, a tunnel has the toylike capacity to trick you into wasting tons of time. You can almost hear it saying, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty! Come on in! I promise you can leave any time you want!” Then you realize the second you enter that it’s a trap. Yes, the exit is right in front of you, and also right behind you, but what if the second you leave something awesome happens in the tunnel? It’s not worth it to risk missing something awesome!

  The tunnel believes it is smarter than you because it forces you to be inside of it in order to see what’s going on…inside of it. To turn the tables on a terrible tunnel, rip it wide open.

  Enter one of the openings of the tunnel just like you normally would. Don’t let on you have any semblance of a plan. Then when you reach the midpoint, go nuts. Spazz out with your tail out. Swing your claws so fast that it looks like you have eight arms. Become a true octopussy.

  Soon, your wild slashes will create a new opening in the tunnel and you’ll be able to escape the very belly of the beast. That gaping hole will allow you to see what’s going on inside the tunnel without having to physically enter, and it will make the toy think twice about tempting you into its bamboozling bowels the next time.

  DANGLERS

  Sometimes these bouncy sticks have a bunch of feathers at the end, sometimes there’s just a piece of cardboard, but either way, the goal is the same: flip through the air, trying to rip the thing off the stick and get on with your day. Taking out one of these infuriating busybodies is normally very exhausting. They act as if they want to talk to you by getting really close, but then dart away, but then come back, but then zip away, but then hit you on the head. After a seemingly endless swatting session, you can usually get a dangler to sit still, but by then you’re too worn out to pick up the quilt-destruction project where you left off before the dangler arrived. Fortunately, there is a way to get the same result in half the time using far less effort.

  When a dangler taps you on the face for the first time, just walk away. The method seems a little backward, but within seconds the dangler will stop moving—usually around the same time your human leaves the room. Then, just jet back in and destroy whatever it is that’s on the end of that stick! If you leave the room and come back a few minutes later to find your person is still playing with the dangler by herself, there might be something wrong with her. Keep an eye on the situation.

  TREAT BALLS

  Is there anything sweeter than the taste of victory over a toy? Yes. The taste of a chicken ’n’ liver treat extracted from the inside of a toy. Unfortunately, treat balls are real teases. They mock you by keeping their delicious insides locked up and inaccessible. Removing a treat from the center of one of these confounded plastic or plush contraptions can take hours of earnest pawing and nibbling. With a little bit of ingenuity, however, you can be munching on toy innards in short order.

  Don’t be fooled if the ball has a hard shell. It’s a weakling on the inside. To get to the good stuff fast, smack it off the edge of someplace really high up, like the top of a staircase or a balcony, then run down to feast on its remains. Make sure to get to the shattered toy before any children or squirrels have a chance to steal your treat.

  Plush toys don’t let go of treats as easily as their plastic counterparts. A thirty-foot drop from a second-floor window only seems to make the toy more intent on keeping a treat for itself and wasting your valuable time in the process. However, with a little help from technology,
specifically blending technology, you can get at the treat with virtually no labor. When your person isn’t around, leap up on the kitchen counter with your toy in mouth. Then, drop it into a blender or food processor, secure the top, and smack whatever setting you see fit. We suggest FRAPPE, if that is an option. It produces a delightful, thick, and refreshing stuffing-and-kibble blend.

  LASER POINTER TOYS

  Laser pointers are a new breed of toy that many cats are still confounded by. Obviously the laser dot is outsmarted when it is covered up, but that little red bugger is a cunning creature. It seems no matter how fast you pounce, it always manages to get on top of your paw first. The ordeal can take hours and the only method cats have come up with to beat a laser pointer is to smack the light until it gradually fades out. There’s a faster way. The next time that obnoxious dot appears, go to your person’s makeup drawer and take out her compact mirror. It’s a little-known fact that mirrors are the natural enemies of lasers. Wait until the dot is on the floor and then slide the mirror under it. Just as fast as it hits the floor, the laser will dart away, leaving you to celebrate by licking the face of your person, who, for some reason, is shielding her eyes and yelling something about going blind.

  Planning Your Next Vacation

  When your person packs her bags and leaves for a while, why not take a holiday yourself and recharge?

  VISIT A NATURAL WONDER