The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  An awe-inspiring scene of nature’s splendor is a must on any itinerary. Even the most jaded soul can be invigorated by such a sight. Fortunately, all cats have such a place to enjoy and it’s as close as the nearest bathroom.

  Experiencing this monument while on vacation is a special treat. Start by climbing up on the edge. Then reach over with your paw and push the lever.

  Take a look down for a glimpse of nature’s awesome power! Be careful not to fall in, though. You’ll be a goner. Nature can be very moving but also sometimes cruel and unforgiving.

  Feel free to stay for a while. The scene is so impressive that some cats watch it four or five thousand times!

  STRETCH OUT ON A BEACH

  We all enjoy a nice sunbathing session from time to time, but not many of us have been to the beach.

  If your person enjoys crafts, scan all the windows in the house for a dream catcher or stained-glass butterfly. Should you find either thing, check for a sand sculpture on the windowsill below. There’s a decent chance it’s there.

  If so, you’re in luck, because that means there’s also a beach nearby. Carefully tip the thing over. Carefully! You don’t want to spill beach into the homemade wicker basket under the window. Sitting in a makeshift magazine rack full of sand is not the same as being at the beach.

  Once all the sand is spread out, it’s time to lie down and soak up those rays. Sand warms up better than carpet. As always, make sure to drink plenty of water and protect your nose with a high-SPF sunscreen if sunbathing for long periods.

  HAVING FANCY MEALS

  Good food is a big part of any vacation. So make sure you get it, even if that means sucking up to the waitstaff a little.

  When your person leaves, somebody else will take her food-serving shifts. Getting to know a new server and greasing the wheels a bit can ensure fantastic meals for the duration of your vacation.

  Fill-in servers appreciate being well treated. Often they’re short on experience and a little nervous about attending to your needs. If you show them kindness and respect, they’ll usually return the favor by bringing dishes that are not on the regular menu.

  Remember to always tip generously. Your fill-in server doesn’t make much and depends on gratuities to keep doing the job.

  CATCH UP ON YOUR READING

  Vacation isn’t just about sightseeing and enjoying creature comforts. Consider kicking back with a book.

  If you’ve got a beach, that’s a perfect place; otherwise, just sprawl out anywhere comfortable and lose yourself in words. An afternoon with a good book might be what rekindles your love of reading!

  SIGHTS OFF THE BEATEN PATH

  There may come a time when you want to get away from the touristy stuff and venture off the beaten path. That’s when you should check out some place with local flavor.

  Here’s just such a destination, and it’s rarely advertised. To get there you need to locate a magic door, which is usually found in the ceiling of a bedroom closet.

  To pass through the magic door, climb up the clothes and stand on the bar they hang on. When ready, jump up and grab the rope to the magic door. After it opens, just walk up the stairs to gain admission.

  Welcome to a whole new area to explore and investigate. It can be oppressively hot during summer and bitterly cold in the winter, so we advise an autumn visit if at all possible.

  This out-of-the-way spot is rich in local history. Boxes of old papers, photographs, and clothes abound, and crowds are light. About the only time humans visit here and really look around is when desperately trying to find a birth certificate. On your trip, there certainly won’t be a line to view running shorts from 1982, or a faked old-timey picture of the whole family sporting western wear and firearms.

  Sometimes these places have old stuff that’s valuable, and humans often don’t even know about it. Things like a Stradivarius violin worth U.S. $3,544,000 at auction, or a very fine copy of Action Comics number one featuring the debut of Superman, valued at $1,560,000. If you come across anything like that, take it as a souvenir for your person. She’ll really appreciate it.

  If you hang around long enough, some exotic local fauna might make an appearance. A bat sighting at the end of an attic visit can leave you with an irreplaceable vacation memory. Just make sure to keep your distance. They don’t like tourists.

  After the day is done, head back home and enjoy all the wild nightlife that normally gets you chased into the basement by your person. Really tear it up. After all, she’s gone and you’re on vacation!

  The Nine Lives of Mr. Champ

  Most of us like to get into a bit of trouble every now and then.

  What’s a cut here or a scrape there if it’s all in the name of good, clean cat fun?

  Some of the more adventurous kitties among us even use up a life or two in the course of a year. But you’d have to be a VERY bold pussycat to use up eight of your nine lives in as many days.

  In fact, in all of feline history, there is only one kitty rumored to have achieved this incredible feat. He was the legendary Mr. Champ, a fun-loving, tortoiseshell mix with a devil-may-care attitude who hailed from the city of Las Vegas, Nevada.

  So large was his legend that many cat historians doubted his very existence. They felt strongly that no one cat could get into so much trouble so quickly, and believed him to be a sort of mythical composite cat, like the human King Arthur, or the Emperor Charlemagne. Others felt there was substantial evidence to suggest that Mr. Champ was in fact an actual cat who lived and was active in the western United States during the twenty-first century. Their best estimates place him in the Las Vegas area sometime between 1980 and 2004.

  The controversy came to a head on June 17, 2006, when a diary surfaced at a Reno rummage sale. The diary detailed the exploits of one very daring cat who called himself Mr. Champ and lived his lives at an astounding pace. This discovery literally turned the cat world upside down. If Mr. Champ were real—if a cat that brave had also been a house cat—what would it mean for domestic cats, and domestic catkind? Indeed, cat philosophers continue to consider the question to this day.

  Though the jury is still out on whether the diary is a fake, most cats believe it is authentic, and many take it to be incontrovertible proof of Mr. Champ’s glorious existence. If true, one cannot help but wonder where he is now, and what he is doing.

  The following is an excerpt from this fearless kittycat’s diary:

  May 12

  Dear Diary:

  You’ll never believe what happened today. I was sitting out in front of our building, sniffing hello to the day, when I looked up and spotted a jogger tying her shoe in the street. She had headphones on, and didn’t notice a big camper heading right toward her. He was honking the horn, but she didn’t seem to hear it. If she didn’t move fast, she was going to get hit!

  I couldn’t let that happen. I had to do something. I darted out after her, meowing and hissing to get her attention. She saw me and I pointed my paw at the camper. She moved out of the way just in the nick of time, and I felt like I was really living up to my name. I felt like a real champ. I felt like a hero!

  Then I felt kind of woozy, like a kitty who just got clipped by a Winnebago.

  May 13

  Dear Diary:

  I spent most of yesterday cuddling and recuperating. Everyone was so nice to me after the accident. Turns out the Winnebago driver could see the jogger all along—he just couldn’t see me. He took me straight to the vet, who pronounced me one lucky, healthy kitty, and he sent us a pretty bouquet of lilies. The jogger sent a big bag of treats over, and my person, Mary, has been extra nice to me.

  I have to admit, it was kind of fun flying through the air after I got hit. I felt like I was starring in a kitty kung-fu movie. Hey—maybe I could be a stunt-cat!

  Of course Mary doesn’t want me doing any more stunts, or saving any more lives. She’s mad I was even outside. Who am I gonna save in the house, a load of laundry? Anyway, she isn’t treating me li
ke a hero. She’s treating me like a baby. In fact, she’s making me stay inside all day today.

  Man, these lilies smell great. And they’re so pretty! I wonder how they taste?

  May 14

  I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. No snack is worth a trip to the emergency room. Anyway, how was I supposed to know lilies would make me feel all oogy? You would think that florists would put a kitty skull and crossbones on them or something. The good news is, I’m feeling much better already. And it’s a beautiful day! Mary’s opened all the windows up and the place is full of fresh air. It’s also full of horseflies. I’ve been playing with one all morning. I named him Ricardo. We live on the 4th floor and I keep wondering, how does a little pest like that get all the way up here?

  However he did it, Ricardo obviously doesn’t know how to get out. He’s just buzzing around like a real dummy. I’m tired of having him here. He can go buzz off somewhere else and drive some other cat crazy!

  Well, I’ll show him. I’m gonna chase that stupid fly right over to the window! I’m gonna head him off by the window! I’m gonna follow him right out the—

  Uh-oh.

  May 15

  It’s official—four stories is now my all-time height record for falling out of a window. Mary was pretty shook up yesterday after I fell. She was surprised to see that I was okay. I wasn’t surprised. I always land on my feet! Except for that one time with the cactus plants.

  Anyway, Mary’s so nervous, she put a guard up on the ledge today, which is really gonna mess with my window-viewing time. But I guess it’ll keep me from taking another dive.

  I’m pretty bored, though. Maybe I should go take a closer look at those three little holes in the wall. It’s funny, but I’ve never understood how those work. I know Mary puts a special kind of string inside of it, like the one attached to the hair dryer, and it makes the hair dryer purr.

  I really want to know how this works. Hey—maybe if I put my paw in there the way she puts the string in there, I’ll purr, too!!! I’ll do a science experiment!!

  Note to self: In the future, leave science to the professionals.

  May 16

  Another beautiful day. I thought I would sneak outside and see what was going on in the neighborhood. Plus, with all the trouble I’ve been getting into in the house lately, I’m probably better off out there.

  I’m sitting there, sunning myself on the sidewalk and cleaning my fur, when I hear a really big CRASSHH!!! coming from back by the garbage cans. I go around to investigate, and what do I find? A raccoon! Wow! I’ve never seen one before, but if I remember from my reading, they’re supposed to be very friendly toward cats. I think he wants to play!

  May 17

  Dear Diary:

  I was grossly misinformed about raccoons.

  Anyway, I think I put up a pretty good fight. I got a couple of rabies shots, and the vet said it will only be about two weeks before my whiskers grow back. In the meantime, maybe I’ll catch up on my gossip mags. I just love hearing about what celebrity cats are getting into! Mary keeps all the magazines on the top shelf of her bookcase, but I think I can reach them. I just have to climb onto the couch…then the ledge…then the first shelf…and then, reach…

  May 18

  I guess I don’t know my own strength. Anyway, I spent about 45 minutes under there before anybody found me. It was okay, though. I played kitty fort. Also, I was buried under a copy of Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, and I have concluded that T. S. Eliot probably never met a real cat in his entire life.

  May 19

  Dear Diary:

  The rumors are true. I got stuck in the heating duct. Again. And I do not want to discuss it.

  May 20

  Finally! The end of the week. I managed to get myself into some real predicaments, but I feel great. I’m just a little tired. All I really want to do is curl up and take a nap in a nice, quiet, snuggly, warm dark place.

  Like here! This place looks perfect!

  Whhhhhyyyyy is evverryttthhhing spiiningnignigngggg?

  May 21

  Dear Diary:

  You know, I had some time to think when I was being tumble-dried. A kitty may have nine lives, but he’s got to spend each one like it’s the only one he’s got. Mischief is great, but all these close calls have helped me figure out how I want to spend the rest of my lives.

  It may not be a big adventure, but it’s the best feeling I know.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Some thank-yous are in order:

  ACTION 5: John Huston, Baly Cooley, Mike Loew, Victoria Skurnick, Daniel Greenberg, Elizabeth Fisher, Bruce Tracy, Patty Park, Ryan Doherty, and Rob Pesce.

  ANITA: Mum Maria and Pops David Serwacki, Pupka, Julianne Serwacki, Joan and Bob McDonald, the Camacho family, the Rose family, Kathy Kobler, and my stable of feline goons.

  CHRIS: Heather Sabin, Dale and Susan Pauls, Todd, Heather, Carter and Jackson Pauls, Dorothy Pauls, Doug Smith and entire Smith Family, Matt Solomon, John and Jim Roach, The Onion, and all my friends at the Village Bar.

  JANET: Barbara, Harold, and Matthew Ginsburg; my dad, Roy; Camille Rose Garcia, Cheryl Benson, Dennis Messner, Traci Gallagher, Eileen Pierce, Q-Tip, and my supportive friends and family the world over.

  JOE: My family (especially Violet, because her brother got a clandestine heads-up in the last book), Nick Gallo, The Onion, Smartie, and Tiny. Oh, and that crybaby Bill Jackson.

  SCOTT: Beryl and Leigh Sherman, the late Karl Weintraub, the Second City, The Onion, David Miner, Greg Walter, Bryan Saunders, Chidozie Ugwumba, Andy Elkin, Dianne McGunigle, and Ella.

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  ACTION 5 is a comedy-writing collective based in New York and Wisconsin. Their previous book, The Dangerous Book for Dogs, is available from Villard.

  www.action5.com

  Individually, they are:

  JOE GARDEN is the features editor of The Onion. He has portrayed an angry file cabinet on a late-night cartoon, a morgue assistant on a straight-to-DVD film, and, with his wife, Anita Serwacki, has written for the Emmy-winning cartoon WordGirl. He has one cat, Smartie, who is finally earning her keep, and had another cat, Tiny, whom he misses dearly.

  JANET GINSBURG has worked as a field producer on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and is a former staff writer for The Onion. She has also written or produced programs for the Discovery, Sci-Fi, and E! Entertainment channels, and her work has appeared in publications such as Vibe, Blender, and the LA Weekly. She was good friends with a cat named Q-Tip. She lives in Brooklyn.

  CHRIS PAULS is a contributing writer to The Onion and does other stuff, too. He lives in Middleton, Wisconsin, with his wife and three cats, Freddie, Albert, and BB King.

  ANITA SERWACKI is a contributing writer for The Onion and has written for the PBS animated series WordGirl. She was music supervisor on the documentary The Kid Stays in the Picture and has been a DJ in N.Y.C. for many years, mostly on the burlesque circuit. Growing up, her family had a cat named Samantha, who taught herself to use the toilet, which was weird. After just one week Samantha stopped using the toilet and never did it again, which was weirder. She currently lives in Brooklyn with her husband, Joe Garden, and her cats Bacon and Pokey. Tiny RIP.

  SCOTT SHERMAN is a staff writer for Important Things with Demetri Martin on Comedy Central. He is a former contributing writer for The Onion and the Onion News Network, and has also written for The New York Times Magazine, Spike TV, and A&E. He lives in New York City.

  ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

  EMILY FLAKE is an illustrator, cartoonist, and author. She is the creator of the cartoon strip Lulu Eightball, which runs in altweeklies across the country, as well as the author of the Prism Award–winning book These Things Ain’t Gonna Smoke Themselves. She lives in Brooklyn. Look up her work at eflakeagogo.com.

  Copyright © 2008 Action 5, LLC

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Villard Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a
division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  VILLARD and “V” CIRCLED Design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

  The devious book for cats: a parody / by Fluffy & Bonkers with the assistance of Joe Garden…[et al.]; illustrations by Emily Flake.

  p. cm.

  1. Cats—Humor. I. Garden, Joe.

  PN6231.C23D48 2008 818'.602—dc22 2008028029

  www.villard.com

  eISBN: 978-0-345-51384-7

  v3.0

  FOOTNOTE

  *1 Note: If you wake up and have failed to move, you may have fallen asleep in a bed. Get up and try again.

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