Sinful Biker

by Terri Lane

  “Erm, yeah I guess.” If he wanted to act that way then I really didn’t want to be near him either. The sooner we both got out of here, the better. “We better try and jimmy this door open, I need to get out of here before I lose my job.”

  This time as Adam fiddled with the door handle, it somehow swung wide open. It was almost as if the universe knew exactly what we needed, some time alone to talk, and we’d squandered that unwisely hooking up.

  “Right, well I guess we can go...”

  Adam’s voice trailed after me as I stormed out the room, just an extra sting to my already aching heart. I hated myself for giving in, and now all I needed was a few moments to cry that out. I wasn’t going to sob, I’d wasted too many tears on Adam already, but I did need a little weep.

  “Fuck,” I muttered angrily as I brushed a stray wet patch on my cheek. “Fucking idiot. What the hell!”

  My brain flickered everywhere, recalling images of him now, the masculine man who took full control of my body, the boy who I adored, the person who destroyed my heart and left me a crumbling mess. I couldn’t match any of those pictures together, it was like three totally different people, which really freaked me out.

  I liked Adam, I really did. I definitely still loved him, that wasn’t a heat of the moment thing, but love wasn’t always enough. Maybe I wasn’t the most experienced person at life and matters of the heart, but I knew that sometimes the complications were too much to withstand. And boy, did me and Adam have our complications. Our past, the events that tore us apart, even now... he was my boss, the extremely rich owner of this hotel and goodness knows what else, whereas I was still the small town, poor girl with no future prospects.

  By the time the elevator doors opened once more, I had my stoic face on. I could get through this, I’d been through worse. It was just one workplace slip up, nothing to worry about. Soon I would be back in my own apartment anyway. Luke had let me know that he was making some serious progress, so my hours in this damn building would be reduced, and Adam would move on too.

  Soon this was all just be another part of the past, something else to forget. I just hoped that it wouldn’t leave yet another permanent scar on my heart.

  *

  21st July 2006

  “The sky is beautiful, isn’t it?” My head had lolled back so I could look out of Adam’s sun roof. “And I love your car.”

  “You are drunk, you crazy girl,” Adam laughed in response, not at all annoyed at my idiotic behavior. “I’m glad I wasn’t drinking too, can you imagine what an insane mess that would’ve been? One of us has to be smart, to deal with the constant threat of hissy fits!”

  “Oh ha ha.” All the hurt I’d just been experiencing had vanished, Adam had me feeling really good about myself all over again, he’d somehow managed to turn my entire mood around with only a few sweet words. I was so glad that we were still together, that we’d left that stupid party behind. Adam was the only person I cared about, I didn’t need to say goodbye to any of them. “You’re hilarious, you!”

  A warmth burst through my chest as I glanced at my guy out of the corner of my eye, a really happy and content sensation that made me grin brightly. So things hadn’t always run smooth with us, there was flirting and jealousy and interference from other parties, but we were still here. We’d survived a fair few weeks under the intense scrutiny of our classmates, I felt like we could really go the distance now. College would be a positive step forward for us, not another obstacle we couldn’t endure.

  “You know what?” I turned in my seat to face him, finally ready to say the words aloud that I’d been locking away for a while now. “I love you.” It was an intense thing to say, I knew how loaded it was, but it felt like the right time to say it. I’d been holding back for a while now, not wanting to make a fool out of myself, but now all of that was gone. My heart fluttered as I finally freed my emotions, I felt thrilled and exhilarated all at once.

  Maybe tonight would even be the night...

  I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that Adam was still a virgin, which had kept me from taking that brave step, but now none of that mattered. This was my damn future husband, the man I would have kids and a life with. What was the point in worrying about anything else? What was the point in waiting any longer?

  I folded my arms, pressing my cleavage in his direction, wanting him to really take notice of me, but not so much that he got too distracted from driving of course. I just wanted him to know that sex was on my mind.

  “You do?” Adam gasped in shock. “Wow that’s...” for a second I wondered if he was going to reject me, I hated the thought that he might tell me that he didn’t feel the same way. “You know I love you too, right?”

  I didn’t know that, not until now, but I nodded anyway just because I didn’t want to ruin this by explaining. This was the perfect moment, I had everything I ever wanted. Nothing could ever go wrong...

  “Of course, I know.”

  I didn’t know it was actually happening, until it was too late. At first all I spotted was a white beam of light, one that was so bright I had to blink about a million times just to help me see. Then, the words were sucked violently from my throat as I heard a loud crashing sound, but it felt like a very long time later that my body slammed hard to one side of the vehicle, and even longer until the pain radiated right through me. My body was flung everywhere as the car rolled, but I wasn’t aware of any of that. I guess my brain just shut all of that out in a weird attempt to protect me.

  Either that or I totally blacked out as everything became too much for me.

  All I knew for sure was that one minute everything was fine, the next nothing made any sense anymore.

  Adam didn’t drink at that party, because he didn’t want to have a car accident. He might have been young, but he was incredibly smart in that area, he never wanted to be the cause of an accident. It was just a shame that everyone else wasn’t the same. A forty-six-year-old man who had been in the pub all day long stepped behind the steering wheel of his car, and decided to take our lives into his hands that day, as well as his own.

  He didn’t see us, not until his car was already connecting with ours and we were cascading off the road, our entire lives being shaken about with our bodies. He probably wasn’t even aware that he was wrecking the most magical time of my entire life, he was just drunk... and driving right into us.

  That stranger changed the entire course of my life, and I never even got to know his name.

  *

  22nd September 2016

  Ring, ring... Ring, ring...

  My less than peaceful night of sleep, which was pierced by horrific memories of that night, was eventually disturbed by my phone ringing, which made me feel even crankier. My fingers scrabbled onto the nightstand next to my bed, my eyes doing their best to force themselves open.

  “Hello?” I eventually murmured sleepily into the handset. “Jenna speaking.”

  “Hi, Jenna, it’s Luke.” That caused me to bolt upright in my bed, alertness coursing through my veins. Luke meant my apartment, which meant I could potentially get the hell out of here. “I just wanted to give you an update. I’ve done everything that needs doing now, so you can move back into your home whenever you’re ready.”

  “Oh my God, that’s amazing, thank you so much! And... is it okay to do what we always do with the bill?” I hated that I could never pay Luke for his work upfront, but I simply didn’t earn enough. Luckily he was very easy going when it came to me because I always paid him eventually. He’d never had a problem getting his payment in the end from me, and I prayed internally he was okay with doing it one more time.

  “No worries, I’ll leave it on your dining table.”

  “Thanks, Luke, you’re a star.”

  As I hung up the phone, I let out a breath that it felt like I’d been holding forever. Living here in the place I worked felt like a burden, even more so since the unspeakable incident two days ago. At least when I returned to normal life I’
d barely have to see Adam anymore. Eventually he would be gone too, and I could hide out when he came in to visit.

  It would be okay in the end... it had to be.

  I had the quickest shower known to man and got myself ready for work, trying to allow positivity to flow through me now that this huge weight was lifted. It would be easier when everything was steady... steady was good. I’d gotten so used to steady over the past decade. This shake up, this was something new and it made me realize how much I severely disliked change.

  But all of the false happiness zapped from me as I stepped out the door, just to run right into Adam talking to Deana. I was normally so careful, I usually spent ages listening desperately through the door before I dared to use it, just to prevent an awkward meeting.

  Trust the one time I didn’t bother because I was lost in my thoughts about going back home, to be the time he was outside.

  My cheeks burned, my knees jellified and began knocking together, my eye flickered everywhere, not knowing where to look. I could feel him, just like I always could, and that made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. It was an epic struggle just to keep my head held high. I had to keep my dignity, however much I was dying inside. By this point it was the only thing that I had left going for me.

  “Oh, hi there, Jenna,” Deana greeted me far too nicely for her standards, putting on a little show for Adam. “I need to have a chat with you later, okay?”

  “Yep, sure.” My words were curt and quick, my emotions coming out in sheer bitterness, however desperate I was to keep them inside.

  I dared to glance up, just because I knew it’d be weird if I didn’t, and I instantly spotted Adam’s eyes boring deep into me. He wasn’t giving me a pleasant look, it was more one of distain now which sent humiliation hurtling through my system. I felt judged, like he thought less of me for sleeping with him. I should’ve known this would happen, he was always more of a player than the settling down type. Just because he spent a few weeks with me when we were teenagers, didn’t dull any of that at all. He used me, and I let it happen. I was the idiot here.

  “Right, well, I’ll see you later,” I mumbled, stalking off down the hallway. If Adam wasn’t going to even acknowledge me, then I couldn’t stand there and be further embarrassed.

  Asshole!

  The memory of him coming towards me, wanting me burned into my mind. I should’ve known that it was all just fake, just a way to screw me. Chances were ever since the day he first laid eyes on me again he wanted to get to do the one thing I hadn’t allowed him to do when we were younger. I was probably just a prize that needed to be won.

  Goddamn it, how was eighteen-year-old me smarter than I was now? How did I know then not to sleep with him, but now I couldn’t resist? Weren’t people supposed to get wiser with age?

  Anger burned right through me as I walked, my body grew hotter with each and every step. Love had made me act like a crazy idiot, and now that emotion was transforming into hate. I hated Adam Martin. I hated that twat with a damn passion. All I wanted to do now was wring his damn neck. How dare he make me feel like shit about myself! How dare he come back into my life, take my emotions and screw me over! It wasn’t right, this hotel was mine, not his. Maybe he paid money for it, but I gave it the past ten years of my life.

  Well no more. I would keep my head down until Adam pissed off, and if there was no sign of that happening I would have to go. It would be scary to put myself out there, to try and do something new, but maybe that was why all of this had happened. Maybe the fates had intervened to give me a reason to move on, to leave my old life behind.

  Fucking hell, this was a nightmare. I didn’t need any of this. I was all right before, not happy, but fine.

  I grabbed the damn cleaning cart and shoved it with a huff, forcing myself to do the last thing I wanted, a whole day’s work for the man I now hated. But I couldn’t move on just yet, not when I had a huge bill for Luke. None of this was his fault. He shouldn’t have to suffer, because Adam was a knob.

  But soon I would go. There was nothing to stay for anymore.

  *

  26th July 2006

  I woke. My eyes flickered, but as they opened an intense sickness flooded me, and I had to the block the light out before I vomited. There was a real intensity to the way I felt, one that I couldn’t explain...

  I woke, screaming and yelling in absolute agony. The hot pain etched over every inch of my skin, burning and itching, boiling and raging, it was the worst thing I’d ever experienced...

  I woke, a grogginess fogging up my brain, but it was no longer so intense that I couldn’t see. I fully opened my eyes for what felt like the first time in years, and glanced around the room. It was white, too white, it certainly wasn’t any room that I recognized. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I’d so clearly missed, but it hurt too much to think.

  In fact, everything hurt. What the hell was going on with me?

  “Oh my goodness, you’re awake.” I turned my head as quickly as I could manage, just to find myself looking at a very pretty nurse. She had red hair tumbling down her back, and bright blue eyes that somehow made me feel more relaxed. “How are you feeling, Jenna?”

  “How do you know my name?” I croaked, my throat gnawing with a sharp ache, as if I hadn’t spoken for years. “And where am I?”

  She sat beside me and took my hands in hers, cocking her head to one side while she regarded me curiously. “Do you not remember anything?”

  There were flashes... Tiana, a red cup, stars... but none of it really made much sense. “No, I don’t think so. Nothing meaningful anyway.”

  “You were in a car accident; your car was hit by a drunk driver.”

  “But I don’t have a car...” Why was this registering somehow? Why did I feel like this was actually possible? “Oh my God, Adam!” I tried to jump up in the bed, but tubes and pain fixed me in one place.

  “The driver of the car you were in is okay. He’s been looked at and sent home, what he experienced was mostly surface damage.”

  Relief flooded me... but was quickly replaced by unadulterated fear. If Adam had been sent home because he was fine, then what was wrong with me? I certainly felt like hell, but that didn’t have to mean anything permanent, did it?

  But the look on the nurse’s face made me believe otherwise.

  Oh my God, did it?

  “What... what about me?” I swallowed, trying to dislodge the massive ball of fear, but it wasn’t going anywhere however hard I tried.

  “Your pelvic bone was shattered in the collision, as was your knee cap...”

  As she continued to explain all the things that were now wrong with my body, and everything the surgeons had done to improve that, all I could think about was one thing... my running dreams were shot. There was no way I could go to college now, not with all this damage, which put me... well, I didn’t know where.

  Running was all that I had. Yes, I’d been focusing on my academia as well, but I didn’t actually know what I wanted to do with any of that. I didn’t have any real dreams that involved me using my brain. Running was all I had. I felt free on the racing track, it was the only place in the world I truly felt like myself.

  And now that was all gone. Now I had nothing left. Where the hell could I go from here? What was out there in the world for me? It was like staring into a deep, black tunnel with no light to guide me forward.

  A deep misery set over my heart, one that I didn’t think I’d be able to shake off ever again. Running was everything to me. Yes I’d been distracted recently by my lovely boyfriend, but I’d still been working towards it. Now Adam would go off to college without me, and I wouldn’t know what to do. This was no longer a case of jealousy and silliness, this was serious.

  This was the whole of my life falling apart.

  “You look in a lot of pain,” the nurse eventually commented, judging by the expression on face. “I think I’ll up your morphine.”

  As the pain killers warmed up
my body, I felt that doziness overcoming me, which meant sleep was about to claim me. One thing was for sure, my life would never be the same again when I woke up...

  *

  13th October 2016

  “Urgh,” I muttered as I wiped the vomit from around my lips. “Gross.” I’d spent so much of the last few weeks focusing on sliding out of sight and keeping out of view, that I hadn’t realized I was actually getting sick. Maybe it was viral, or a bug of some kind. Maybe I was just really run down, either way I needed to take a day or two off work. I couldn’t go in like this, I could barely stand up without throwing up.

  I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Deana’s number, clutching onto my forehead as I waited for her to answer.

  “Hello, what do you want?” Curt as ever, just what I needed. I didn’t actually want Deana to change, she was the only constant in my life at the moment.

  “Deana, I feel sick,” I groaned loudly into the phone. “I can’t come in today. I’m so sorry, I hate to let you down but I’ve been throwing up all night long.”

  “Oh God, okay,” she replied just as miserably. “There’s nothing you can do about that. I can’t have you in here spreading your virus everywhere. Unless you’re pregnant of course...” she cackled loudly, probably knowing that there was no way I could be pregnant. After all you had to have sex to be pregnant, and I wasn’t exactly attracting any male attention...

  Fuck, except for the fact that I had caught someone’s eye recently for a brief second.

  No, that was stupid. One crazy moment wasn’t going to lead to anything that permanent, I was delirious with this... bug. I was just sick, nothing more, there was no point in freaking out.

  “Right, well you let me know as soon as you can come back to work, okay?”