by Terri Lane
“But it won’t come to that anyway,” Toby insisted in a way that he probably thought was reassuring. “I’ll just get Brian to remind James to behave. People are loving this relationship, sales have gone up massively for you. You’re all everyone is talking about. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
It was, but I didn’t want to admit that. Instead I folded my arms across my chest and stared defiantly at him.
“This is good for you, it’s really good, which is why I’ve had another amazing idea that I’m sure you’re going to love.”
Oh God, that didn’t sound great. The last ‘good’ idea of Toby’s was terrible, so this probably wouldn’t be any better. “What are you talking about now?”
He paused for dramatic effect, then made his big, dumb announcement. “Me and Brian have decided to send you on tour with Playing Hard. You will be their opening act.”
The world froze for a moment while I tried to picture that in my mind. Not only would it be agonizing to be so close to James while out on the long and lonely road, but my tangled-up feelings about him would only get worse. I also couldn’t see any universe in which Playing Hard’s fans would respond well to me at all.
This had nightmare written all over it.
“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” I stood up and paced his office, needing to figure out my escape route. I just had to be logical, to make Tony see sense that was all. “You can’t make me do this, it’ll destroy me.”
“Market research has shown that it won’t.” Urgh, his smug face was pissing me right off.
“Market research is bullshit. You’ve probably just made it up. I can’t do it, I won’t do it.” He didn’t understand. I wasn’t being difficult, it was for my sanity.
“You won’t sing in front of a new audience? You won’t give some of your new fans a chance to buy your album in the lobby of the stadiums? You won’t cash in on this opportunity before it fades away?”
“I don’t see why I should…”
“Because this is better than we’d hoped for. Brian asked us for this to happen, he obviously believes in you, as do I. Why can’t you believe in yourself for once?”
I didn’t have an answer to that. I felt like my life was flying past me and I had absolutely no control over it. I knew this would be a part of my life when I decided to sing for a living, but surely this was a step too far?
“Look, Thea, you can think about it.” Toby’s tone was kinder now, he was trying to get under my skin. “You can take some time, but I’m assuring you this will be good for you. You can even give it a try if you like. You can go for the first tour date and if it backfires then you can stop. Playing Hard have bands begging them to let them support them.” I couldn’t deny that, it was a much larger audience than I could ever get by myself. “Just don’t take too long to think it through, I don’t think they’ll wait around forever.”
Would it be so unreasonable to give it a try? Even if it was just to prove myself right? The temptation to make it far coursed violently through my veins. Maybe Toby and Brian were right, maybe this was the logical next step. I could just avoid James as much as possible, couldn’t I? I could even insist that we didn’t get seen too much together in public either. Then afterwards we could ‘break up’ and it could all be done.
Logically it made a lot of sense, it was just my emotions that didn’t totally see it.
“I’ll think about it,” I told Toby sadly. I knew I’d give in, so did he, but I didn’t want to do it too easily.
“Don’t forget that Daphne is usually on the road a lot of the time with them too. She doesn’t like to let Liam stray too far, so you won’t be the only girl. You got on well with her, didn’t you?”
Daphne was cool, she would make it easier, wouldn’t she? I wouldn’t be able to confess my confusing feelings to her since she was so close to the band, but at least I’d have someone to talk to.
“Yeah, okay,” I eventually nodded glumly. “Sign me up, but just for one. I’d rather see how it goes before I commit to it completely.”
“Oh, Thea.” Toby’s face was far too pleased for my liking. “You won’t regret this. Your career will be launched to another level completely. These few challenging weeks will give you rewards that last for years. You’ll soon see.”
“Yeah, I hope so.”
This had to be worth it, or I might tear the hair right out of my head. I was putting my faith into Toby and his ideas, I needed them to work out in my favor.
***
James
“What’s going on with you two?” Clint hissed at me while glancing towards Thea. We were all backstage together, after our third very successful gig, and it was obvious to everyone that she was pointedly ignoring me. “Did you do something to piss her off?”
I stared at Thea’s beautiful face uninterrupted since she probably wouldn’t meet my eyes if I was on fire right about now. Her gorgeous dark hair had been curled so it tumbled down her back in gorgeous waves, her dark eyes popped under all the stage make up, the slinky red number she had on managed to look demure and sexy all at once. She was stunning, the most beautiful woman that I’d ever laid eyes on, and the more time I spent in her presence, the more that I fell for her.
I actually liked this woman, and she hated my guts.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders and sighed loudly. “She’s nice to me when we’re doing our public appearances, but in private she doesn’t want to know me.”
“Did something happen? Did you sleep with her? Maybe that’s why she’s angry.”
I thought about that wonderful kiss, the one I felt was filled with promise and the potential of a future. How little I knew that’d be the last word Thea properly spoke to me.
“No, nothing’s happened. I guess she just thinks that I’m a dick, that’s all.”
“Ironic, isn’t it, that she feels that way when you’re actually starting to behave decently.”
I glared at Clint, not liking the implication of that. “Yeah, whatever, dude. Anyway, where are we playing tomorrow?”
“Fuck knows, ask Brian. As far as I’m concerned, we get on the tour bus, get off and play, then back on again. Until we’re back home, I don’t have a clue where I am. Speaking of which, I think it’s time to get going.”
I let Clint walk off to get onto the bus while I waited for Thea to make a move. I really wanted to speak to her, to find a way to make this a little better, but I couldn’t find the words. I wasn’t sure how to make Thea start responding to me again.
“We have an interview tomorrow before the gig.” I decided to tackle a common ground topic first. Our fake public appearance seemed like a safe place to begin.
It seemed to pain Thea to twist her head around to face me, but she did it anyway. As our eyes connected I felt a deep bolt in my chest. I couldn’t believe how much I liked her, it was almost too much. Why couldn’t I ever have felt that way with one of the chicks that threw themselves at me? It wasn’t fair.
“Yeah, I suppose that means we have to put the masks back on.” She glared at me, challenging me to disagree with her. I wanted to, there was a bit of me that wanted to admit how much I liked her, but I couldn’t. It just wasn’t me.
“This time we could talk about our incredible sex life,” I teased instead, while wiggling my eyebrows at her. “Let’s give people something to talk about. We can tell them how you like it from behind because you’re really a dirty girl.”
I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I wanted to unravel Thea again, I wanted her as wild and carefree as she was when she yelled at me outside the awards ceremony. I loved seeing her raw and unbuttoned, I just didn’t know how to draw that out of her without the rage.
“Don’t be so crass,” she declared, her cheeks adorably flushing red with embarrassment. “We just need to give them the usual ‘we’re so in love’ bullshit.” She brushed past me, sending electrical shots all over me as her skin touched mine. “It shouldn’t be for
too much longer anyway. Once the tour is done I’ll tell Toby that we finally want to break up.”
That cut deep, I could feel a scar forming on my heart. I’d spent so long wondering how I would get Thea to react to me while she was here that I hadn’t really considered what it’d be like once she was out of my life forever. How was it going to feel to not see her every day? Our paths would probably cross at some point, at some industry event, and I might have to see her there with someone else.
Nope, I wasn’t sure I could stand it. Even the idea of it had a fire raging in the pit of my stomach.
“Oh yeah, how do you want to do that?” I sneered. “Should I be caught cheating on you, or will we just drift apart like all the other bullshit couples?” I couldn’t stand the way she wanted to pretend that nothing had ever happened between us. We kissed and I felt something. I was sure that she did too. “Or should we just never speak of it again? Give it the ‘no comment’ coy bullshit? Act the way you want to about our kiss.”
“Our…our kiss?” Her fingers inadvertently brushed against her lips. It pleased me to know that she could remember me against her just like I did her. “What do you mean?”
“Are you trying to deny it?” I got up close to her, I made sure that she was acutely aware of every inch of my body. “Are you going to act like you didn’t feel something when it happened? Do you want me to believe that you didn’t like it?”
“It didn’t…mean anything.” There was no strength in her voice. The conflict inside of me stilled. She did want me, and that meant more to me than anything else had ever done before.
“Okay, fine.” I moved backwards and shrugged. “It meant nothing. That’s fine.”
Then I moved away and I walked towards the tour bus with a strong sense of self satisfaction.
***
Thea
I stared at James as he walked away from me, leaving me all messed up and more confused than before. The only reason that I’d managed to survive things this far was because I’d successfully kept away from him. I kept up my end of things in public—mostly to pay back Toby because he was right about this being a good thing for my career, the crowds unexpectedly loved me—but in private I acted like we were magnets that repelled one another.
But now he’d turned me around and all I wanted to do was stick to him.
Damn it.
My heart was pounding, my breaths were ragged, I could feel all kinds of chemical reactions going on inside of me. I wasn’t sure what it was about James Ward that had me under his spell.
Me and every other girl.
I thought that I was a sensible person, I assumed that I had my head screwed on but it seemed that when it came to my feelings I had as little control as everyone else. I never thought I’d feel this way about someone with such a terrible attitude and reputation, but my body had completely other ideas for me.
And now I needed to get on that tour bus, I had to be close to him for hours until we reached the hotel at our next destination. At least I had a bit of privacy on there, but it wasn’t enough. I was still aware of him all the damn time.
My footsteps were slow as I made my way forwards, as if I was walking to my death. I just needed to give my heart some time to slow down, that was all.
***
“How are you doing today?” I jumped as James’s voice burst out from behind me. He sounded hesitant, like he wasn’t quite sure how I was going to react to him, which was a first.
Was this just another part of his game? To throw me off balance—all confident one moment, then shy the next? It was damn well working! I felt like the world was tilting and bumping underneath me.
“Erm, yeah sure. I’m good. Nervous about this gig, I don’t know. How about you?” I tried to play it cool while I worked out where this was going. I needed to keep at least some control.
“Oh, I always get anxious.” He leaned in closer as if he was sharing a secret with me. “That’s why I go over the top to act like I’m not. It’s a trick I learned when I was with my band at school. Fake it til you make it.” At first I thought he was talking about us, until he finished that sweeping statement. “Act confident until you are.”
I couldn’t resist a smile. There was something about his sweet voice and the genuine nature to his story that I responded to. This was the first time I got the impression that he was actually being himself around me. “Oh I bet you were such a geek in school,” I teased, relaxing a little. “All spotty and nerdy, terrible with the ladies.”
“Do you really think that?” He cocked his head and raised his eyebrow at me. “You mean, you don’t believe that I’ve always been this awesome?”
“I bet you were more awesome then! I think I’d much rather hang out with that version of you.”
James unexpectedly reached forward and tickled me. It shocked me into squealing and squirming away from him. Usually I hated being tickled, it made me want to resort to physical violence, but this didn’t quite make me feel that way. Maybe it was because we’d gone all the way from no contact at all, to actual physical touching.
It was almost too much.
“Well anyway, you don’t have any need to be nervous,” James chuckled as his arms fell away. “You’ve been absolutely mind blowing every single night. You’ve warmed up the crowds for us perfectly. They are loving you.”
“I didn’t think it’d go as well as it has,” I admitted, while biting down on my lip. “I assumed that Playing Hard’s fans would hate me.”
“Nah, they’re a good lot. And I couldn’t see anyone hating you. Even if it isn’t necessarily their type of music, your incredible voice wins them round.”
The compliments felt too nice, I wanted to fall into them and swim in his kind words forever more. I could feel my whole body heating up in a shy embarrassment. “Oh well, thank you. I don’t need to tell you how good you are, your fans’ screams speak for themselves.”
“You don’t have to…” James teased.
“Oh alright,” I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Playing Hard are amazing. Your music makes me want to…to really shake my booty.”
“Now that I would love to see.”
I couldn’t help myself, I was yearning for him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me in the way he’d done for our photoshoot earlier on. I wanted that to be reality, if only for a moment. Even if it was silly.
“Anyway,” I gulped down my emotions, and turned away from him. I couldn’t stand to look at James any longer, he was hurting my heart. “I better go and get ready, it’s not long until I’m on.”
“Right…sure…” James stepped away from me. I could tell that my brush off had hurt him, but I needed to keep my distance. We couldn’t be forever, that was only a fantasy. I needed to protect my heart. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later then.”
Once I was locked in my dressing room and alone, I allowed my head to fall into my hands as dismay got the better of me. This was harder than I even imagined it would be. Ignoring James hurt, speaking to him reminded me that I liked him too much, being near him twisted me up. This was why I needed Daphne here, to have someone talk through my feelings with but she’d been mysteriously sick throughout the whole tour so far.
Maybe that was just a lie that Toby had told me to get me to agree to come and support the band.
With no one to talk to and none of my actions so far working, I needed to try something new and I wasn’t sure what. There was only one thing that I hadn’t tried, and it was the most dangerous idea of all. Grabbing him, kissing him, getting this sexual frustration out of my system…it was a risk, but maybe it was a risk worth taking?
Or did I just feel that way because I really wanted to go there? I wanted his hands all over my body more than I’d ever wanted to be touched by anyone before. I dreamt about him feeling me, taking me to heaven and back…it wasn’t right, but could it work?
***
James
Lights flashed through the dark, heat burned onto the stage, we couldn’t
see much from where we were standing but I could already tell that there were thousands of bodies crushed together below the stage waiting to see the infamous, rocking, Playing Hard.
The air was thick with anticipation, and I had control of all of it. The silence was just for me, everyone was waiting for me to speak. All eyes were on me too. I was actually in a very powerful position, and it felt good. I puffed out my chest and started.
“Are you ready?” I yelled loudly, causing a massive scream to burst out from the crowd. My pride grew, I could feel my body reacting to the cheers in the best possible way. “Then let’s get going…”
The drums started, the guitar strummed, I felt pumped deep in my chest. I loved this side of the job so much more than anything else. I might’ve acted like it was the partying and women, but it was this. Making music, playing music, having people react positively to our music…
I launched into one of our earlier hits, a real crowd pleaser; My Burning Heart. It was a bit pretentious and needy, before we knew a lot about music, cheesier than what I’d like to sing now, but since everyone loved it, it would always be on the playlist. I didn’t mind it really, it was kinda fun.
I leapt and jumped about as I sung, growing so sweaty that eventually my soaked tee shirt clung to my body. It was getting near to the time where I’d flash some of the body that I worked so hard for. This was why I went to the gym so much in between tours, to keep my abs strong for this crowd-pleasing moment.
I lifted it, only for a moment but the shrill screams made it all totally worth it. It was easy to feel like a God up here, to feel like the whole world was at my feet.
Maybe that was where I’d gotten so confused about myself along the way. Maybe I started to view myself as a piece of meat, just like everyone else did. Maybe I saw myself as a commodity and I behaved as such.
Or maybe I was just a playboy idiot, like any guy in my position would be. Until the right girl came along, maybe…
“Girl, with you I’m finally me…” As I sung, I started to feel the words touch me deeply. With Thea I actually did feel like I could be more myself. I’d become a caricature for such a long time that I’d forgotten a lot of who I was. The moments I cut the bullshit and started talking from the heart, Thea really did respond to me.
