by L A Cotton
Evan was right.
I felt him move toward me. His fingers curled around my chin, and he tilted my head up. “We both have our demons, Becca.”
I nodded slowly. What else could I do? He was right. We both knew it. I’d known it right from the start. I wasn’t the only one hiding things. Evan was too.
“You got your nose pierced?” he said taking me by surprise. His finger grazed the small jewel sending shivers rippling through me and I smiled. When he looked at me like that I almost forgot who I was. What I’d done.
“I like it,” he added, but then his expression turned serious again. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you, but shit is … complicated.” His voice was softer this time, and his fingers splayed out on my neck until his hand curved around me.
“Evan, I—”
His lips touched mine. It was different from our usual kisses. Uncertain, somehow, as if Evan was seeking silent permission. And as my lips parted, granting him entrance, I realized we’d done it again. Brushed everything under the rug in favor of a physical connection.
But how long could we keep doing it before our pasts caught up with us?
Over the next week, Evan reverted to the guy I’d met that first week of school. He still dragged me off to the closet or behind the library stack, but I felt it in the way he kissed me. Intense and lingering, his kisses felt almost like goodbye. Like he was taking whatever he could from me while he could. I didn’t push him to talk. Not after Rogues. It was clear that neither of us was ready to open up, so here were we, in some kind of stalemate.
It didn’t help that the notes stopped. So did the verbal taunts and comments every time I passed one of Kendall’s friends. I didn’t believe for one second she’d just given up her hate campaign, which could only mean something much worse—she was biding her time for something bigger.
“Hey.” Lilly tapped me on the shoulder, and my heart catapulted into my throat.
“Jesus, Lilly.”
“Whoa, why so jumpy? It’s not Halloween yet.” Her brows furrowed. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, you just surprised me is all.”
“Okay, so Homecoming party at Rogues Saturday. It’s going to be huge. The guys are rigging up a sound system. Jay and Eric know a guy. Half the team is blowing off the dance in favor of our little gathering.” She clapped with a little bounce. “I’m so excited. I might even wear a dress. Just because, you know. Who needs an actual dance when you have Rogues?”
“Hmm, about that,” I said, disappearing into my locker because I didn’t want to see the look of disappointment in her eyes when I broke the news to her.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
Slamming the door shut, I sucked in a sharp breath. “I, hmm, Imayhavepickedupanextrashiftathedinersaturdaynight.”
“Becca, you didn’t. Why?” Her voice matched her face, and guilt shot through me.
“I’m sorry, my dad told Mitch I’d do it, and I didn’t want to let him down.”
It wasn’t a total lie. Dad had taken the call from Mitch asking if I could cover, but it was all on me for saying yes.
“This sucks.” Lilly slumped back against the locker bank. “I had the whole night planned. Pre-party drinks at my house. I wanted you to do my hair. Can’t you talk to Mitch?”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, what time do you get off?”
“Nine, I think.”
“Okay, so that’s not a total loss. If you take your things to work, you can get ready and come straight over. There’ll be plenty of time.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Lilly looped her arm through mine, making plans for me, but I had tuned out. The truth was, I wanted to work. Ever since the Homecoming banner went up, a hole began carving its way through my chest. Maybe it was because it was the first real reminder of everything I was missing back in Montecito, or maybe it was because, with Evan, I would never get any of those senior year rites of passage—homecoming, winter formal … prom. The whole thing had thrown me for a loop, but I knew I definitely didn’t want to be at Rogues pretending, all while wishing I were somewhere else.
“This is me.” We’d stopped at Lilly’s class. “You have to come Saturday. Promise me? It won’t be the same without you.”
I smiled. It was all I could muster.
“Will you make the party?” Cindy asked as she wiped down the counter.
“Nah, I think I’m just going to head home. I’m beat.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow, sugar. Have a safe—”
I frowned at Cindy’s sudden silence, but she nudged her head over my shoulder, and I turned around slowly.
“Evan?” My eyes swept down his body, trying to work out what was different. He wasn’t wearing his leather jacket, for one. A black dress shirt hugged his broad shoulders, and he’d rolled up the sleeves, giving him a casual edge. A skinny black tie hung loosely around his neck, and the black jeans and white Chucks were a complete contrast from his usual jeans and boots combo. “W- why are you dressed like that?”
Cindy giggled behind me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Not even to shoot her daggers.
“I’m taking you to Homecoming.”
My mouth dropped open, and I stuttered on the words caught in my throat. Evan reached out and glided a hand over my jaw, tapping my mouth shut. “You should go and get changed.”
“Changed?” I shrieked, louder than I intended. “I don’t have anything to wear. I just got off work.”
“Hmm, sugar?” Cindy’s voice squeaked, and this time, I did glance behind me. “I forgot to give you this.” She came toward me and handed me the clothes bag, and I stared at her.
“W- what?”
“Oh, for the love of … get in here already.”
Evan’s deep chuckle followed us as Cindy led me to the back of the diner. “Now, I left a couple of things in the staff bathroom that you might want to use, okay?”
“You knew about this and didn’t tell me?” I hissed, glancing back to where Evan stood awkwardly, his hand cupping the back of his neck.
“It was a surprise. That boy is completely ass over elbow in love with you.”
“I don’t think—”
“Shh. Now, get in there and get changed.” She pushed me into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I stood motionless, trying to process everything. “Don’t keep him waiting too long. I can’t promise I won’t jump in your space if you’re not out in ten.” Her laughter disappeared back into the diner.
Unzipping the bag, I slid out the black rockabilly style dress. Nothing like the old Becca would have ever dreamed of wearing, but new Becca would have picked out exactly this had she thought attending the school dance was on the cards. Evan’s taking me to Homecoming? The very idea seemed crazy. Most of our class would be there. It would mean going public in front of everyone. In front of Kendall.
In a confused daze, I changed out of my candy-pink uniform and into the dress. It fit my body like a glove. Cut deep on my chest and ending just above my knee, it hugged my waist and flared out around my thighs … and looked completely ridiculous with my work shoes. I spotted the bag of goodies Cindy had left for me, hoping that she’d thought to remember shoes. Thankfully, a pair of black pumps was the first item I pulled out, followed by some makeup and a hairbrush. As I made quick work of styling my hair and adding some simple makeup to my face, my confusion lifted and excitement took its place. Evan Porter was taking me to Homecoming. Me.
“Are you ready? Your hottie looks like he might be having second thoughts. I might need to give him mouth-to-mouth soon if you don’t hurry.” Cindy chuckled through the door, and I opened it, stepping back to let her see me.
“Sweet baby Jesus, you look stunning.” She held up one of my hands and made me twirl on the spot. “That boy out there is going to have a heart attack.”
“Thanks, Cindy. For everything.” I had no idea how she’d pulled it all
off, but I owed her. When I could focus on something other than the fact Evan was out there waiting for me.
“Oh please, you deserve it. Now, go have some fun.” She hugged me tight before releasing me and patting me on the butt. “And make sure to give him a big sloppy kiss from me.”
“Cindy!” I shrieked, but my words trailed off when Evan’s eyes found me across the diner. Fire blazed in his usually stormy depths, causing me to suck in a sharp breath.
“Hi,” I said as I reached him.
“Hi, you look … fuck.” He raked a hand through his hair. “We really need to get out of here.”
As I let Evan lead me out of the diner and to the Impala, I grinned like a lovesick fool. I couldn’t help it.
We’d been riding for about ten minutes when I noticed we were heading in the opposite direction to the school.
“Evan, isn’t school back that way?”
He reached over the stick and took my hand. “Trust me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Stop overthinking it,” he said, and I shifted in the seat, smoothing down my dress, trying to fight off the disappointment stirring in my chest.
I was no longer bothered that no one knew about our relationship. Well, except Lilly and the guys, but that was different. They were my people. I told myself it made it special … made me special. But when he stood there, outside the diner, and told me he was taking me to Homecoming, for a split second, I’d been relieved. Relieved that it would finally be out in the open. That maybe we could be a real couple like Lilly and Jay and Mischa and Eric instead of hiding from my friends and our families … our classmates.
But that wasn’t what was happening. I wasn’t getting the fairy tale night, after all.
“Becca?”
“Yeah?” I replied unable to turn to meet his steely gaze.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay.” I heard the suspicion in his voice. “It won’t be much longer.”
My disappointment intensified when I realized where he was taking me. The city skyline sparkled across San Francisco Bay as Evan pulled off the main road and parked in the same spot where he’d brought me all those nights ago.
“Wait here.”
I didn’t have time to protest as Evan climbed out and went around the back of the car. The trunk popped, and he disappeared out of sight as I watched through the rearview. After a couple of minutes, my disappointment began to bubble into frustration, and before I could stop myself, I’d climbed out of the car and stomped around the back to confront him. “Evan, I think you should take me—”
The words died on my lips as I took in the sight before me. A huge picnic blanket had been laid out, and Evan was just setting down a basket. He’d even lit some candle lamps and placed them around the edge.
“I thought we could have our own Homecoming. Dance with me?” He hit a button on his phone and placed it on the trunk of the Impala. Imagine Dragons filled the air as Evan came toward me and held out his hand. I slid mine into his, letting him pull me close.
“I can’t believe you did all of this.”
He wound his arms around my waist. “It was mostly Cindy.”
“Evan.” I sighed, resting my head against his chest. The cold air stung my skin, but I barely noticed it, wrapped in his arms as he swayed us to the music. When the song finished, Evan helped me down onto the blanket and poured us a glass of beer each.
“Here. Are you cold?”
“A little,” I said. Evan disappeared, popped the trunk again, and handed me a blanket. I snuggled into it.
“I’m sorry if you thought we were going to the dance.”
“I won’t lie.” I stared into my plastic cup. “I was excited at the thought of it. School events were kind of a big deal at my old school, and well, for a second, it felt like old times, you know?” Looking up through my lashes at Evan, he grimaced.
“I just thought this would be … shit, did I mess up?”
“No, no,” I urged. “This is … this is perfect, Evan. I guess part of me just wanted one night of normal.”
His lip quirked up, but I saw the uncertainty in his smile. “Are you trying to say we’re not normal?”
“Normal is underrated.”
“Yeah.” Evan shuffled closer until our shoulders touched. “Normal is completely underrated.” He leaned down, craning his head around me, and captured my lips. “You look beautiful, Becca.”
I deepened the kiss, running my hand over his shoulder and tugging him closer until we fell back onto the blanket, his body covering mine. My mind screamed at me to stop, and not let this become another time we kissed away our problems, but I couldn’t.
“Becca, wait.” Evan pulled away. “We have all night. C’mon.” He maneuvered himself off me and helped me up into a sitting position. “I brought snacks.”
“Snacks, huh?” I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice, but I was certain he heard it.
Evan unpacked the basket and handed me a small paper plate. I helped myself to some grapes. Anything to distract me. “Eli will be upset he missed this.”
“How is he?”
“Okay, I guess. It’s hard on him, what with Mom being up and down.”
I nodded, a million questions on the tip of my tongue. But since the day we found his mom drunk in their house, he’d pulled up that wall again. He didn’t mention her or Eli, until now, and he hadn’t invited me back to his house again. And I accepted it, like it was completely normal—because I knew if I pushed him, I’d lose him.
What did that say about me?
About us?
“Hey,” Evan said, sliding his hand over mine. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I forced a smile.
“Becca.”
“I’m just tired. The diner was busy, and I’m not used to working a Saturday.”
It was Evan’s turn to nod. He didn’t buy my excuse, probably because the truth was written all over my face. But I could never say the words.
I just wanted to enjoy the moment—while it lasted.
“Where the hell were you?” Lilly almost jumped on me when I reached her waiting by the bike racks.
“I, hmm …”
“Wait, what is that I see in your eyes?” Her own eyes widened. “Becca?”
“Evan surprised me.”
“HE WHAT?”
“Lilly,” I hissed.
“Crap”—she shrugged apologetically—“I’m sorry. He surprised you how? I need deets, now.”
“You promise you won’t say a word to anyone? Not even Scarlett.” Mostly Scarlett.
She held up two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“Okay.” I leaned into her conspiratorially. “So I’m about to leave the diner when Evan shows up in a dress shirt and slacks …”
Lilly interrupted me at every stage of the story just to double check the facts, and by the end of it, her grin was wider than my own. “This is freaking awesome. I mean I knew you had it bad, but I didn’t realize he felt the same.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I mean we’re still sneaking around behind everyone’s backs.”
“Screw everyone else. This is Evan Porter we’re talking about. The rules don’t apply to him.”
I reared back, my face twisting with confusion. “What does that mean?”
“Well, you know, just that his—”
“Where were you Saturday?” Scarlett slung her arm over my shoulder. “We missed you.”
“I couldn’t get away. Diner related emergency.” I caught Lilly’s eye, and a slight smirk played on her lips. Ignoring her, I slipped out of Scarlett’s hold and focused my attention on her.
“Sucks. You missed one hell of a party. I got completely trashed.”
“You were a mess,” Lilly scolded.
“Give it a rest, Mom. I was having fun. Try it sometime, you might like it.”
“Come on, guys, classes are calling,” I said in an attempt to ease the tension th
at had descended over us. But given that we walked into school in silence, I figured it was going to take a lot more to smooth the cracks appearing in Lilly and Scarlett’s friendship.
The second I stepped into the hallway, I knew.
Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
The whole hallway fell silent, and the walls closed in around me. It was like that first week all over again, only worse. Because somewhere along the line, I’d found my place amongst my classmates in Credence High. But now, they stared at me like the lines had been redrawn, like I was the outsider again … the fraud.
I felt the weight of Lilly’s arm looped through mine as it hung limply at my sides. “Ignore them,” she whispered as Scarlett flanked my other side and then urged me forward.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Scarlett sneered at a group of girls who snickered behind their textbooks as we walked by.
But when we rounded the corner, her question was answered. Images of me littered the hallway. Pinned to the locker, hanging from the ceiling, scattered on the floor. My face stared back at me. Only it wasn’t my face, it was the face of Becca from a different time. My old life back in Montecito.
“Holy fuck.” Scarlett whistled between her teeth as she ripped off a handful of photos from her locker. “What is this shit?”
Lilly bent down and scooped up a photo, looking at me as I stared at the scene in front of me. “Becca, what is this?”
“I—”
I saw her.
Kendall.
Standing with her arms crossed over her chest, icy glare trained right on me. She didn’t speak. She didn’t step forward to claim victory. She just watched. Watched her final ace play out.
“Becca.” Lilly spoke again, tensing beside me when her eyes landed on Kendall. “Oh, that bitch.”
Forcing myself to move, I turned and went to my locker. My body moved on autopilot because I wasn’t present, not really. All I knew was that I couldn’t give in—not now. Not after everything.
Raised voices started behind me, but I shut them out, opening my locker. My eyes landed on a single photo pinned to the back wall. The fight left my body like a final breath leaving someone on the cusp of death. Kendall had warned me—time and time again, she’d told me not to play with fire—but I didn’t heed her warnings because she couldn’t know.
