If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  It feels like my whole life has revolved around missing someone. I miss my parents and my grandma every day. Hell, I even miss my grandpa when I don’t see him, but until now, I never realised just how much I missed Dean and his family. And I don’t want to risk losing that.

  “You don't think all this is happening too soon? I mean, I’ve only been here a few days, Dean, and already we’ve spent every night but one together.”

  “No,” he answers immediately, shaking his head. “No, I don’t, not when it comes to us.”

  “You make me feel stronger. I no longer feel like the worthless, weak, scared person who let him do those things to me. I should have fought him and ran away, never looking back. I know you disagree, but a part of me blames myself. After all, I did stay with him. I chose to carry on living alongside him,” I whisper, taking a deep breath. Before he can interrupt, I place my finger over his lips, shutting him up. I need him to hear this, to listen to what I have to say. He needs to know what he’s getting himself into.

  “I’ve been so lost since I lost Mom and Dad. I’ve literally been living in hell since but you, Mr Salvatore, have brought me back to life. I thought it was the cabin that brought me here, but now I know it wasn’t even about the cabin. It was about you. I’ve always thought about you, whether it was memories of us playing together or just wondering what you were doing at that second. It helped me get through so many bad days. I guess you were the best part of my childhood too, and I’m so glad I found my way back home. I’m just scared I’m going to lose it all,” I admit, wiping a lone tear away.

  Taking my hand, Dean pulls me down to sit on the bed, keeping our fingers laced together. He pulls in a steady breath before facing me.

  “You don’t need to be scared. You’ll never lose any of us, especially me. I’ll never do anything that will hurt you. Ever. You can trust that I will never change who you are or betray that trust. I hate knowing what you’ve been through and that I didn’t do a damn thing to track you down or come see you. I wanted to so many times,” he says and then shakes away the pained look on his face. “You might have been lost, but you’re found now, and you did that by yourself. I’m proud of you, and awestruck at your incredible strength.”

  Tears are streaming down my face but ignore them as I push myself into Dean’s arms, hugging him tightly. He’s right, I did do it. And no matter what I endured, it brought me here. It brought me to Dean, and for that, I’ll be forever thankful.

  He picks me up off the edge of the bed and carries me to the top, placing me down gently on the mountain of luxury pillows.

  I blush furiously when I realise I’m still only in a towel and robe, my hair slightly damp.

  “I’m just going to get another movie from downstairs. There’s a horror in the DVD player up here, and I know you hate them,” he says, ending our earlier conversation.

  “Does that thing even work?” I tease, looking at the old box sitting on the television stand.

  “Yeah.” Dean laughs, shaking his head at me before leaving to go downstairs.

  Sitting up, I make quick work of putting on a pair of knickers and some pyjamas. I’ve just finished pulling on my top when Dean walks up.

  He has the DVD in, and the television switched on in record time. He jumps into bed with a bounce, making me giggle.

  Big kid!

  “C’mon,” he says, tapping his chest.

  I give him a puzzled expression, wondering what he’s up to, but I still place my head on his chest. It’s only a few seconds later that I get my answer. He runs his fingers through my hair, and it feels amazing. A shiver races down my spine, causing the hairs on my arms to stand on edge. He really has no idea what his touch does to me. As he strokes, he manages to catch the sensitive spot between my neck and collarbone, and I moan. Immediately, Dean becomes hard beneath me, and a small smile touches my lips. I love the fact I’m the one who aroused him. It’s also a relief to know that I don’t disgust him and that he feels the same as I do. I turn my head to look up at him, and his eyes blaze with fire and passion. Bringing my hand up to his face, I run my thumb along his strong, masculine jaw line. He leans in to my touch, his eyes closing and my heart melts.

  A few seconds pass in silence before his eyes finally open, those deep blues looking down at me with such intensity that my heart picks up. He gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze before turning his attention back to the movie. My eyes stay focused on him a while longer before I reluctantly turn back to the movie as well.

  *** *** ***

  The storm hasn’t gotten any better since it started; the thunder seems closer, the lightning brighter. The sound of the rain relaxes me though, soothing my tense muscles as it hits the skylight window.

  Dean gets back into bed after switching the television off, shivering as he positions himself so he’s facing me. He brings his hand to my jaw before leaning in closer, his breath fanning my face.

  “Lola, I really want to kiss you again. Right now,” he says, his voice low and husky.

  My body reacts instantly, heating up at the memory of his lips on mine, how he tasted. But my mind and heart aren’t ready for anything else sexually, or a repeat performance of earlier, no matter how good he made me feel.

  It’s not that I don’t want Dean that way, but when we do have sex, I want my mind to be free of my past experiences. I want to be sure that when Dean is inside me for the first that it won’t be tainted with memories of Rick.

  “Just a kiss?” I ask, my voice a whisper as it shakes slightly.

  “Just a kiss,” he agrees, before moving forward, his lips pressing against mine. Everything around me is drowned out as he kisses me passionately with wild abandon. Nothing else exists; there is only us at that moment.

  He starts the kiss off slow, nipping at the corners of my mouth and along my jaw before moving his way down my neck. When his lips return to mine, I’m a pile of mush, and the second his intoxicating taste hits my tongue, I arch my back in bliss. The same shock of electricity runs through me, pulsing almost painfully at my sex.

  In the back of my mind, my subconscious screams at me to stop, even though my body wants it badly.

  I grip the back of his neck as he devours my mouth. I tell myself I’m going to stop in just a minute, but I never do.

  Having Dean kissing me this way reminds me of a book I read not so long ago. The woman in the book says that he ‘fucks her mouth’ when she’s describing their heated kiss. It isn’t until now that I understand what she meant. It’s like making love to my mouth, lovingly and thoroughly. I’m completely drunk on him, addicted as I pull him in for more.

  So many sensations course through my veins that I feel like I’m going to pass out, overdose on my all-time high.

  I never knew my body could react this way over a kiss. It makes me wonder what it will feel like when we make love for the first time.

  The dirty thoughts have my cheeks heating as I duck my gaze, settling in closer for the night.

  When we finally break apart we’re both breathing heavily, our chests rising and falling in unison. I can still feel his arousal pressed again my stomach and I have to squeeze my thighs together to ease the pulsing ache between my legs.

  When our breathing finally calms down, we both gaze at each other, neither of us wavering. The only light in the room is coming from the storm, but it lets me see his features clearly. I’m giddy when his face splits into a smile, and I smile back, blushing.

  “Why are you smiling?” I ask, my voice husky and sounding strange, even to me.

  “You make me smile,” he states, grinning now. “Your beauty is breathtaking. You make me crumble under the slightest touch, and you can make me feel like I could explode into a million pieces from just that touch. It makes me smile because I’ve never had that, never felt like that.”

  “Oh.” Nothing I say will ever compete with that.

  God, his words make me feel invincible. It’s hard not to fall for the man in front of me.

&
nbsp; “Yeah, oh,” he repeats, clearly amused by my dumbstruck expression.

  He pulls me against him, my head falling to his chest again. I listen to his heart beating, the sound fast and strong. My eyes close; it’s like a lullaby, ready to poof me into the land of fairies.

  At the sound of the rain and wind, my mouth stretches into a yawn making Dean chuckle.

  “Sleep, love,” he says gently, running his fingers up and down my arm.

  “Night, Dean,” I whisper back, my mind and body shutting down with exhaustion.

  Just before I’m lured into the deep sleep, I swear I hear Dean whisper “I think I may love you more than I did as a youngster.” But with the day’s events, I can’t be sure. Only time will tell.

  Chapter 12

  I wake up alone, snuggled into my pillow. I can still smell Dean's muscular scent on the sheets. The scent is strong, so I know he hasn’t been out of bed long. Just thinking about him puts a giddy smile on my face.

  He oozes masculinity and with his seductive personality, he can easily make anyone become addicted to him.

  Have you ever read a book where they describe the male hero, and he’s everything you ever wanted? Well, Dean fits their descriptions perfectly. He has the perfect muscled physique, along with his chiselled good looks. Hell, even his personality is perfect―perfect to me anyway. He has the muscles of a man who goes to the gym seven days a week with four hours of training, except he doesn’t go to the gym. Not that I’ve seen since I’ve been here anyway.

  Those broad shoulders and bulging arms―obviously not too big, but still―had me wrapped up tightly all night, making me feel safe. And God, feeling safe is something I’ve not been able to enjoy in a very long time. Yet, he only has to be around me to evoke those feelings inside me.

  Having Dean hold me and take care of me is something I didn’t think I’d be able to grant another man. I’ve given him my heart, something I never truly gave Rick, and I did it happily. Unlike with Rick, I know that giving Dean my body won’t lead to him beating it. I know giving him my time, my love, that he won’t abuse it. I also know he’ll do everything to keep me safe, treasure me like a princess.

  Rick manipulated me; used my vulnerability and need for love to get what he wanted. He controlled every aspect of my life. Dean doesn’t want to control me, doesn't want to manipulate me; he just wants me for me. He could have used my vulnerability to manipulate me into bed last night, but Dean wouldn’t do that to me. I know that in my soul.

  Needing to see him, I head downstairs, stopping at the bottom when I see the work of art in front of me. Dean is standing at the stove, frying eggs and bacon, his broad shoulders and back on full display, making my mouth water.

  He looks hot.

  Even the way his back muscles flex as he moves elegantly around the kitchen is sexy as hell. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face when I see the two dimples in his lower back, becoming more pronounced as he bends over, giving me a delicious view of his tight arse.

  I watch him for a while longer, liking the fact I can get my fill without him knowing. It’s nice to see him without any guards up―not that I think he has any since he looks pretty much the same, but there’s just something about watching someone when they don’t know. It’s like you get a real chance to see them, not just look at them. You get to see inside their soul, deep within themselves.

  He moves effortlessly around the kitchen, each move strong and precise. He looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world at that moment and I smile, seeing a new side to him. Dean’s a contradiction; he looks rough and a little intimidating but would never use it against people weaker than him. He also has a heart of gold, but I’ve known that for a long time, even with years of separation. I don’t think that could have ever changed. But after knowing how some men can be, it’s nice seeing a man who isn’t, a man who has morals and honour.

  Knowing I can’t stand around forever ogling him, I take a step down, my bare feet slapping against the wooden flooring.

  “Morning,” I call out, taking the last few steps into the kitchen.

  Dean jumps, startled, and I giggle. I never once thought I’d scare him. He turns around facing me, a huge smile spreading across his face as he eyes my outfit. I’d put his shirt over my pyjamas and from the look on his face, he doesn’t seem to mind. The way he’s looking at me, you’d think I just made his day. Maybe I have.

  “Morning, beautiful,” he greets, and my breath hitches at his sweet endearment. I can’t help but feel vain, loving it when he calls me beautiful. It’s what every girl wants to hear but for me, it’s more than that. I feel ugly on the inside, not just ugly from the scars that I bear on the outside, but somehow he still makes me feel sexy, beautiful.

  My belly flutters when he walks over to me, pulling me into his arms and kissing the tip of my nose.

  “Breakfast, huh? A woman could get used to this you know,” I say as I pull away to sit down on the breakfast stool.

  “Me cooking you breakfast, huh? Well, that doesn’t really seem much of a duty if it means I get to wake up to you.” He smiles.

  Realising the hidden meaning behind his words, my lips part and I look at him shock. He steps closer so his groin meets my knees and leans forwards, kissing the corner of my mouth. The touch is only brief, and a part of me wants to groan with displeasure, but he only pulls away to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. The gesture is sweet, and it melts my heart. A blush rises up my neck to my cheeks, and I try to look away before he can see, but it’s too late.

  “Aww, did I make you blush? C’mon, we used to share a bed and have baths together all the time as babies,” he teases, a small smirk playing on those devilish lips. “Surely waking up to me isn’t as bad as that. I mean, I know you have bad bed hair and everything, but at least your morning breath isn’t that bad.” He chuckles at my expression.

  “Hey, I do not have bad morning breath,” I snap, my hand unconsciously covering my mouth, making him laugh. “Shut up and make me breakfast, wench.” I smack his firm backside, snorting out a giggle.

  He laughs, leaning down to kiss me once again before turning back to the oven. And just like that, I give another piece of my heart to the man in front of me.

  My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. It feels good, really good, and I can’t help but feel like another piece of the old me is returning.

  I just hope I can keep putting these pieces back together.

  *** *** ***

  As I walk along the beaten path, I think over yesterday and the day I spent with Dean. We decided it would be a good idea to spend another night up here since it carried on raining throughout the day again yesterday, pretty much keeping us inside. The only time we left was to check on the horses to make sure they had enough food and water. I would’ve liked to have taken them out, but with the weather so bad it wasn’t a good idea, especially since Hunter is afraid of storms.

  After that we pretty much just snuggled up on the sofa, switching between watching movies and talking. I don’t think I’ve spoken so much to anyone in my life. We talked about everything, including Dean filling me in on the fact he was a police officer. He had mentioned something before, but because of everything being so fresh in my head with Rick the comment blew right over my head.

  I wanted to question him more about his old job, but the way he locked up over it had me keep quiet. He asked me what I wanted to do now that I was free. It’s such a loaded question, so much so that I hadn’t really thought about it until then. In the end, I told him to ask me in a week or so when I finally get a chance to sort through everything in my head.

  I’d like to say that sorting things out through my head is going great, but it would be a lie. Instead of thinking of what to do next, where I’ll go, how I’ll work, I’m thinking of Dean and all the stolen kisses and small touches he’s been giving me. He’s driving me crazy.

  In a good way of course.

  “C’mon slow poke,” Dean calls out, makin
g me puff at the hair that’s fallen in front of my face.

  That last comment about him driving me crazy? I take back the good part.

  Who knew Dean was such a serious hiker. I swear, with his long legs and eager attitude he’s going to kill me with exhaustion. Although, and I will not admit this out loud, I’m actually enjoying the brisk walk, seeing all the trees surrounding us as birds tweet and the smell of the forest fills the air. It’s unbelievable.

  “I’m coming,” I pant, balancing on a tree as I take a huge swig of my bottled water.

  Okay, I gulp down the whole bottle but sue me, I’m not athletic. I’m seriously unfit, and five minutes into the hike should have been enough to clue me in to the fact that this was going to kill me.

  “We’re nearly there,” he calls back, and I look up, narrowing my eyes at him. There’s no sign of exhaustion; he’s not even sweating. I want to push him over a fallen tree trunk for it because I look a hot mess.

  I’m starting to wonder if we made the right decision last night when we agreed to do the half-hour hike to the edge of the mountain forest, where the trees end and it opens up to a huge clearing. The only reason I said yes was because I missed the place and the rain had finally stopped sometime through the night. The weather forecast said it was going to be dry, hence the reason we’re taking a picnic up a mountain.

  Walking forward, Dean takes off, leaving me to follow behind at a slower pace, his laughter only egging me to move faster on my feet.

  A gasp sticks in my throat as I clear the trees, pausing momentarily as I take in the magnificent view. It’s as beautiful and breathtaking as I remember.

  The view from here looks all over Cabin Lake and the rest of the Salvatore land, plus more surrounding land. It goes on for miles. It’s phenomenal, the view breathtaking, the atmosphere incredible.