If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  “Are you ready for something to eat?” Dean calls, snapping me out of my trance. I nod and look over at him, watching him take off his rucksack. I take a step forward, breathing in the fresh air as I make my way over.

  Since the ground is still damp from all the rain, we had to bring some plastic tarp to put down before the blanket. I watch, twiddling my thumbs and still trying to catch my breath as he lays it all out before looking up at me. His eyes are questioning, and that’s when I realise he’s asked me a something.

  “Yes, please.” I smile, looking around at the spot he chose for us. Dandelions cover the ground, millions of them scattered all over the place.

  I look around, finding one that hasn’t been destroyed by the rain, and mindlessly pick it up before moving closer to the edge of the mountain, the drop high enough to turn my stomach inside out.

  Twirling the dandelion between my forefinger and thumb, I think of the last time I’d seen one of these. I’m pretty sure it was as a kid. My mom loved them. She would always make me pick one whenever we saw them, no matter where we were, telling me to close my eyes, blow, and make a wish, that all my dreams would come true.

  My eyes water as I bring the dandelion closer to my face, taking in the beautiful fuzzy ball, each seed looking umbrella-like. Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath before blowing out. “I wish it all away,” I whisper before opening my eyes and watch dozens and dozens of fluffy white seeds floating off into the sky, carrying my wish into the wind.

  Wiping my eyes before Dean can catch me, I turn around, shocked for a second to find him already staring at me intently. I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile before walking over to where he has everything laid out on the carpets.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, before I get a chance to sit down.

  “Yeah, just… just memories,” I tell him, not wanting to divulge too much, or sound like a dork.

  Knowing I’m hiding something, he pulls me against him, his lips coming down on mine and kissing me until I can hardly breathe. By the time we pull apart, he’s gazing down at me with such care and desire that my body sags into him. Before I chicken out, I reach up for another kiss, shocking him.

  “Thank you,” I whisper breathlessly, and I don’t mean for the kiss. For distracting me, knowing I needed a moment to myself and letting me have it and then not pushing me to explain.

  “C’mon, sit down.” He smiles, tucking another loose strand of hair behind my ear even though it’s a lost cause. I’ve stopped bothering to tie it back whenever a piece gets loose because seconds later a new strand will fall.

  I sit on the blanket next to Dean, grinning when he hands me a lunchbox tub of pasta salad that his mom clearly made. She sent Jeff back up with a picnic full of food this morning, which was good considering we didn’t really have anything.

  “Mmm, this is so good,” I moan, taking another mouthful.

  “Careful,” he rasps, and I blink my eyes open, bending my head down shyly when I find him staring at me, his eyes filled with lust.

  “Sorry,” I say, biting my bottom lip.

  He groans and leans forward, capturing my lips with his. I fall back onto the blanket, my pasta long forgotten as he moves on top of me, the kiss becoming more heated.

  I lose track of time, so I have no idea how long we were kissing each other breathless. I just know time may have stopped for us, but still gone round for the rest of the world. I love it when we get into our little bubble. It’s like only Dean and I matter; no one else exists.

  “What are you thinking?” he whispers as he lies on his side above me.

  “Everything.” I grin.

  “About me then?” He smirks, kissing the tip of my nose.

  I melt, giddy at his affection. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of that, of him being so openly affectionate and for saying the most romantic things to me. But mostly for how protective he is of me.

  “What about you? What are you thinking?” I sigh, tilting my head to the side.

  “You. Always you, Lola,” he tells me, all teasing gone from his tone.

  “Oh,” I whisper, a little overwhelmed. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” he asks, his eyes scrunched together.

  “For everything,” I tell him, not looking away. “For bringing me here. It’s like heaven. For giving me peace and for giving me you, but most of all, for giving me everything I didn’t feel I’d have.”

  He lies on his back, like my words knocked the wind out of him. His chest rises and falls heavily. I stare dumbly, not knowing what to do with myself, but then he speaks, his voice gruff and raw.

  “C’mon, lie with me,” he says, pulling me against his chest. I don’t bother hiding my soft smile or the excitement in my eyes. His arms have become my favourite place to be. I don’t know what it is about having him hold me, or for me to just lie there on him, but it makes me feel all kinds of things.

  “I wish we could stay like this forever,” I whisper before closing my eyes, knowing it ends tomorrow morning when we have to go back down to the real world.

  Chapter 13

  It is early afternoon by the time we arrive back at Cabin Lake. The mood between us changed the second we woke up, neither of us ready to leave our sanctuary yet. I wish we could’ve had more time up the mountain, away from all my worries and fears. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I like keeping him all to myself. The routine between us is easy and comfortable, and it’s going to be hard to move on from that.

  We’re just leaving the stables when we hear a loud, high-pitched squeal coming from across the field. We both jump and I turn to see a young woman who looks like a younger version of Lily, waving at us with so much enthusiasm. Guessing this must be Pagan, I smile, waving back. She was nine the last time I saw her, maybe eight, but she looks so much like her mother now that it’s hard not to recognise her.

  “Well hello there, bro. How ya doing?” she says sweetly as she bounces up next to us.

  “Pagan,” Dean grumbles in a greeting, looking like he wants to avoid his sister and wishing she’d disappear. It makes me giggle.

  Pagan ignores his indifferent behaviour, clearly used to it by now, and turns to me. A bright smile lights up her entire face, and she looks beautiful.

  “You must be Lola,” she says, holding her hand to me and I take it, nodding. “Mom and Dad have told me so much about you. I only remember little bits of you from when we were younger. Sid doesn’t know much about yesterday, let alone sixteen years ago. Plus, big bro over there has always talked about you. I remember him pining over you as a child. How are you, anyway?” she rambles, not taking a breath.

  Wow! She’s full of energy.

  I laugh at the comment about Sid. He was always so quiet, keeping to himself, while little Pagan here was nearly as bad as Dean and me, always getting herself into mischief.

  “I’m good, thank you. I know, it’s been such a long time. So this brother is old and grey, and Sid has dementia. You all grow up so quickly around here,” I tease, shrugging off the comment about Dean pining over me, not wanting to address it.

  Pagan laughs, and as my eyes catch Dean’s, his are dancing with humour before a glimmer of something else flashes in them. Mine widen.

  Uh-oh!

  I know that look, and it means trouble. Before I can apologise about the ‘old man’ comment he’s moving towards me, bent at the waist as he softly lifts me over his shoulder and a high-pitched squeal leaving my mouth.

  Dean begins to laugh, his shoulders shaking beneath me. Instead of being angry, I find myself laughing along with him.

  “Old, huh. You sure about that? Could an old man do this?” he says, but before I can question what he means he lands a sharp slap to my arse. Bursting into hysterical laughter, I try to tell him to put me down, only I can’t catch my breath long enough to get a word out.

  As we arrive outside Lily and Mark’s home, they’re both standing in the doorway grinning, clearly having seen the show Dean just put on.


  He slides me down his body painfully slow as laughter shines in his eyes. I almost sway from the look, nearly pleading in front of everyone for him to kiss me. Even though we’ve kissed a lot since that first night, Dean has made no more moves since we woke up this morning. He stands close to me at all times, always touching me somehow, which is really sweet of him. But I just want him to kiss me again. I know I shouldn’t want to, but I do. I can’t help the way he makes me feel when his lips touch mine. But I’m starting to worry that our time up the mountain was just a fluke, a dream, and now he’s going to regret it.

  *** *** ***

  After hanging around the cabin all day, helping out with some chores that needed doing, we’re finally sitting down together for dinner.

  We all take our seats―Sid and Pagan joining us which―according to Dean, is rare. They’re normally all too busy to be here at the same time, which is really sad if I’m honest.

  I notice that Pagan is right about Sid; he looks confused as to why he’s here, and he’s been that way all day. It’s only when Lily walks out with the food that his face shows any recognition as to what he’s doing. I want to laugh desperately, as it looks like he’s stoned, but then I would have to tell everyone why and I don’t want to draw attention to myself.

  “Have you spoken to your grandpa, dear? I tried calling him to tell him what a wonderful surprise it was seeing you, but he never answered,” Lily asks as she takes a bite of her food.

  The blood rushes from my face. I never thought about them calling him and now I’m kicking myself for it. It’s not like I could prevent it, not unless I directly told them not to, but then that would have raised more questions.

  “He never answers,” Mark scoffs lightly.

  “He’s away,” Dean says quickly.

  Lily’s eyes scrunch together, eyeing her son. “Since when? We spoke to him a few weeks ago, and he never mentioned anything about going away.”

  Thinking quickly, I chime in. “It’s a business meeting,” I tell her, forcing a smile.

  “That explains it. Your father was just as bad going on those trips.” Mark chuckles, making me relax.

  They bought my story, but it doesn’t make it any better. I still feel like crap for lying.

  “We’ll have to go for coffee sometime. I know a great little place we can go to that’s twenty minutes from here. There are some great clothes shops around there too,” Pagan offers.

  “Oh, you’ll have to take her to that Pink’s Boutique,” Lily gushes before facing me. “They sell the best clothes. They do an older clothes line, so I get most of my clothes there too, but it’s mostly for the younger generation.”

  “Sounds good. I’d love to.” I smile at Pagan.

  “I’ll drive you,” Dean says.

  Pagan scowls at him, narrowing her eyes. “No, you won’t. It will be a girls day, so no boys are allowed,” she snaps.

  “We’re not twelve, Pagan. I’ll drive. At least then I’ll know you got there safely,” he tells her, not giving in.

  “I passed my test years ago, Dean, I’m capable of driving. It’s a girls day, end of. If you think you’re coming, then you can think again. I’ll make your life hell. I’ll drag you into every lingerie shop I see and try on every―”

  “Okay, I get it,” he snaps, scowling at her.

  I giggle, loving the banter between the two, but mostly because Sid has been watching them, his head ping-ponging side to side as they argue back and forth.

  “What do you do, Sid?” I ask, already knowing Pagan’s an event planner. She’s new at her job and apparently already one of the best.

  “I’m a musician as well as a music teacher,” he tells me, before scarfing down the rest of his dinner.

  He’s a teacher? But he’s so… he looks so….

  How can I put this without sounding like a complete bitch? Irresponsible―that’s the only way I can describe him. Christ, I’m still ninety-nine percent certain he’s stoned as hell.

  “You’re in a band or something?” I ask, interested.

  “Yeah, we do some gigs here and there.” He nods, smiling.

  “He’s brilliant. A few of my clients have hired them before.” Pagan smiles, sounding proud of her twin.

  He looks over at her, shaking his head, but still smiling.

  “What about you? What do you do?” Sid asks.

  Shyly, I look down at my plate, moving my food around with my fork. “I… I don’t work at the moment. It’s been awhile, actually,” I whisper, really feeling the expanse of the life I’ve missed out on. Instead of being able to fill them in on the different types of jobs I’ve had or do, I have nothing, and it makes me feel like a lesser person.

  “Cool. I’d love that. My kids drive me crazy.” He grins, and I frown, wondering why no one mentioned he had kids. “Not my kids. Well, they are, but they’re my class kids.” He chuckles.

  My face relaxes, and I giggle at his expression, like he’s horrified at the thought of having kids.

  “Well, that’s good. I was worried you had thirty-some-odd kids for a minute there,” I joke, and the table erupts in laughter. Only Pagan remains quiet, her expression thoughtful and deep in thought as she studies me.

  “So what are you going to do now?”

  Ah, the big question. One Dean has already asked me. Knowing I can’t give them the same answer, I try to be as honest as I can possibly be, hating all the lies I’m telling.

  “I don’t honestly know. I guess I’ll look for a job somewhere along the line, but I don’t know what’s next for me yet,” I admit, and that’s the truth. Dean tenses beside me, and I wonder what I said to upset him. I try to give him a questioning look, but he just smiles, concentrating on his food.

  “Have you managed to see anything whilst you’ve been here?” Lily asks, picking up her glass of wine.

  “I’ve seen the bookshop in town.” The bookshop was the first thing that popped in my mind. I think it’s because I can’t wait to go back there, not even to get a book but just to hang out.

  Pagan starts gushing about the bookshop and telling me about all the empty shops on the street that really need filling. She hates that their small town is getting smaller because of no jobs available. She seems to feel strongly about it, and it warms my heart to see someone as young as her so dedicated to making the world a better place.

  *** *** ***

  We walk in silence back to the cabin after dinner, and for some reason it feels awkward, which makes me nervous.

  Needing to make conversation, I ask Dean what I’ve wanted to ask him all night. When everyone told me about their jobs, I noticed Dean kept quiet, and no one else brought up his time as an officer. It just intrigued me more.

  “Dean? I want to ask you something, and I don’t know if it’s okay for me to ask. If it’s not, then please feel free to tell me to mind my own business. Okay?” I say, biting my bottom lip.

  I glance at him from the corner of my eye to find him staring at me curiously, a wary look crossing his face.

  “Yeah, go on, you can ask me anything,” he tells me softly, and I give him a small smile, surprised he agreed so easily when he looked so conflicted.

  “You mentioned you were a cop but never said why you left or anything. I presumed you did because you mentioned owning a P.I company. I guess I wanted to know if you were following your dreams still,” I admit, knowing how much he wanted to become an officer. As a kid, he’d always have me playing cops and robbers with him or one of his detective board games. To find out he’s not a cop anymore is surprising and worrying because something must have happened for him to leave the job he loved.

  He looks at me nervously, and I can see him trying to relax his breathing. He looks like he wants to deflect the question, but I’m thankful when he doesn’t and lets me in.

  “No, I’m not a cop anymore,” he states, confirming what I already knew.

  “Can I ask why?” I ask softly, been careful not to overstep.

&nbs
p; “It’s a long story, and it’s really gritty.” The look in his eyes reflects how relieved he is to be able to talk to someone about it.

  “We’ve got all night,” I tell him. “I’m here to listen, but if you don’t want to talk to me about it, I’ll understand,” I offer, just in case I read his expression wrong.

  He sucks in a deep breath before taking my hand in his, looking straight ahead.

  “A co-worker―my girlfriend at the time―and I were undercover. We were working a huge drug case and were forced into doing shit we weren’t comfortable with by the head of our department. Becca… she hadn’t been undercover for very long, and she was new to our team. I’d vouched for her when a vacancy opened up, so she got hired right away.

  “I’d been working the case for years trying to take this high-profile gang down. Years of my life were invested, and I hated what I had to become to achieve getting into their inner circle. But I needed to protect my identity and to do that, I had to do shit I wasn’t comfortable with.

  “The last six months of the case, Becca was selected to come in. They needed the job finished. The gang was getting ruthless and out of control, but we needed to know who the leader was, the man behind it all, before we could do anything. It wasn’t until a few months before Becca started that I finally met him. All we had to do was tie evidence to him. He kept himself private, low-key and was anonymous to most members for a long time. It’s why the job took so long. If we arrested everyone else, then he would’ve just hired more members and started all over again. And trust me, it had happened before. Officers had died trying to take this gang down. No one was ever able to get enough evidence or get far enough into the gang to find out who their leader was.

  “Our boss made Becca and me use our relationship as an advantage to get her into the inner circle quicker. There was no way for us to get another male officer prepped and taken on as a member. The leader didn’t trust any of the new recruits, so he stopped taking new people on. Our only option was Becca. She was good at first, staying quiet and by my side most of the time.