If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  He isn’t in a meeting at all, she’s just too lazy to lift her finger to the phone to buzz me through. She’s probably at her desk painting her nails like she always is. The only reason she even answers the phone is so my grandpa doesn’t hear the phone constantly ringing and fire her for being incompetent.

  “No.” My voice is firm and before she can speak, I interrupt her. “Please put Dwayne Lawson on the phone right now. Tell him it’s an emergency and that his granddaughter is on the phone,” I snap.

  “Well, well, well. Look who’s finally come out of the woodwork. Dwayne isn’t very pleased with you, Lola. I don’t think he’ll want to talk to you at the moment. I always thought you were a whore, but to run out on darling Rick, and for no reason? Tut tut! He was going to propose and everything,” she scolds, but doesn’t sound all that bothered by it. “Don’t worry though, I’ve been taking real good care of him.” Her voice is sickeningly sweet, and it grates on my nerves.

  I would love to say she can keep him, but I wouldn’t wish him on my own worst enemy… including her.

  Then it occurs to me. If Rick has moved on with Sally, then maybe he’s over me and doesn’t care where I am. I’m naive to even think that statement holds any truth, but a girl can only hope.

  “Sally, stop thinking you know what happened because if you did, we’d be having an entirely different conversation right now. So, if you don’t mind, could you actually do your job and transfer me to my grandpa. Or do I have to call his mobile and tell him you’re refusing to put me through to him? I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t be too pleased with that, now, would he?” I keep my voice firm, trying to sound as professional as I can get, even though I’m shaking uncontrollably.

  Looking up, Dean is smiling at me. I shake my head, my lips twitching. I never noticed the amount of tension coiled tightly in my body until I saw his smile. I instantly relaxe.

  Lost in each other’s eyes, the heated look hits me between my legs. A blush creeps up my neck to my cheeks when an image of what we could be doing right now pops into my head.

  “Hello? Lola, are you there?” My grandpa’s voice is strained and panicked, and my eyes fill with tears. He sounds older, stressed and worn out, and a twinge of guilt slams into my stomach.

  “I’m here,” I whisper, willing the tears to stay at bay so I can get through this conversation without having to repeat it all over again.

  “Where have you been, Lola? Where are you now? I’ve been worried sick, and I’ve had no way of getting in touch with you. I lost my phone at one of the conference meetings, and since I haven’t got your mobile number stored anywhere else, I couldn’t call. Rick said your phone was disconnected when I asked him for your number. He’s accused you of leaving with another man. Is that true, Lola? I just don’t believe it. He seems broken, destroyed. He isn’t the same man he was before you left. I was hoping after I gave him a few days off work he’d be okay to return, but he’s still losing his temper and drinking on the job. God, doll, I’ve had to give him two warnings already. He’s got one more before he’s out. The bloke is losing us too many clients. In all fairness, I’m just so happy you’ve finally left his sorry ass,” he rambles.

  I choke back a sob, gritting my teeth together whenever he mentions how bad poor Rick is doing. I can’t stand to listen to another minute it. He did this. Him, not me! So if he’s feeling the loss of our relationship or somehow found his heart whilst I’ve been gone and is feeling remorse for his actions… well, he can fuck off. I don’t care what he has to say or what he’s going through; he has no one to blame but himself, and I can’t believe I’ve spent years and years blaming myself for his actions. Always telling myself I could have got dinner done quicker, or I didn’t need to get that book or ask for new bed sheets.

  Well, not anymore.

  “Grandpa, there’s something I need to tell you, and I need you to be alone for it to happen. Can you make sure Sally doesn’t listen in? In fact, go take the phone off her until we end the call, please. It’s really important,” I explain, my voice barely a whisper as I try to hide my emotions. I want to ask him a million questions, like how he is, but I need to get this out.

  “Lola, are you in trouble? Where are you?” he rushes out, sounding worried.

  “I'm fine, but please go and take the phone off her. I’ll explain everything then, I promise.”

  He agrees, and I hear the phone being dropped on his desk, followed by some mumbled words of what I expect is him talking to Sally. She doesn’t sound too happy about the phone being removed, so I guess she was already listening in.

  The bitch.

  “It’s done. Now tell me everything and start from the beginning,” he says, sounding far too serious.

  I take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but it doesn’t work. Dean, noticing the sudden change, lifts me into his lap. I’m so nervous my hands are shaking, although cuddling up to Dean has eased some of my worry. He knows how hard this is for me and how hard it is for me to tell my grandpa, the man who raised me, about Rick. He must have guessed that telling Grandpa will be like reliving the whole ordeal all over again. Just thinking about all the abuse and torment I’ve encountered over the past five years has my stomach coiling.

  “Grandpa, there’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just going to come straight out and say it. Rick’s been physically abusing me for years,” I say, and then go on to tell him about the abuse, how he’d hit me. I tell him about the rapes in as little detail as I can muster.

  I can’t bring myself to tell him about all the times Rick used his reprimands at work as an excuse as to why he’d lose his temper. I know my grandpa would blame himself, and it’s not his fault. None of it is.

  Rick always managed to find someone to blame one way or another. No matter what instigated the argument in the first place, he’d find a way. It was never his fault. Whoever’s fault it was, it always ended up being because of something I did. Whether it was because I’d breathe funny or woke him up if I went to the toilet during the night, he’d punish me for it.

  I tell him about the night I left, about the hospital, and just as I’m about to reveal the rest, I pause, fear seeping in.

  “I need you to keep my location a secret, Grandpa. You can’t tell a soul.”

  “I promise,” he chokes out hoarsely.

  “I’m at Cabin Lake with Lily, Mark, Dean, and the twins. I had to get away from him and to a place I knew he couldn’t find me and where I felt safe. I couldn’t risk telling you because I knew you would fire him and he would have just had you sued for unfair dismissal. I’m so sorry, Grandpa. I really am,” I say, choking up. “But there’s also another reason I called you. I need you to take the Salvatore case off Rick. I can't have him here. Can you do this for me?” I ask him, my voice shaky.

  He’s stayed quiet during everything, being true to his word. But the silence is killing me. My breathing is heavy down the line, and more tears fall from my eyes, pooling on my knees.

  A minute or so passes, and he still hasn’t said anything, I begin to worry he’s not there so I lift the phone to my face, checking to make sure we’ve got a signal or that I haven’t somehow managed to cut him off. When I see we’re still connected, I place the phone back against my ear, just in time to hear a faint sob coming through the line.

  “Grandpa? Are you there? Are you okay?” I call out.

  A few seconds later, the phone crackles and his ragged breathing sounds heavy. My heart breaks knowing he’s upset enough to take that long to get himself together. I wish he was in front of me, that we were having this conversation face-to-face.

  “Lola, I’m so sorry,” he says, choked up. “You could have come to me. You should have come to me.” He sounds so broken, and tears fall from my eyes. “I’m going to come down as scheduled and take Rick’s place. While I'm down there, we can start gathering up a case to get that sick bastard sentenced. I know you want to keep it quiet and we will, but only until we have the evidence we need to send hi
m to prison. I’ll call in some favours so we can nail this sick fucker.

  “In the meantime, I’m going to fire this fucker. I know you don’t want me to, but he’s on his last warning, and with the way he’s acting, he’ll be gone by the end of the week anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not by the end of the day. Legally too, so you won’t have to worry about me.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief.

  We talk for a while longer about Rick, Dean, the cabin, about himself and what he’s been up to. He told me to say hello to everyone and to apologise to Lily and Mark about not returning their phone calls, work being too hectic.

  We say our tearful goodbyes, promising to keep in touch. I blink through my tears, staring down at the phone clutched in my hands.

  “Do you feel better?” Dean asks, and I stare blankly at the message from Grandpa, giving me his new mobile number. I’m glad Dean stayed with me through everything, lightly stroking my back. Without him, I don’t think I’d have had the strength to do it.

  “I do,” I say, forcing a small smile.

  “What did he say?”

  I fill Dean in on everything Grandpa said, and about his plans to look further into Rick’s background so he can start building a case.

  Grandpa’s business partner, Ted, isn’t a fan of Rick either, so he’s going to ask him for some advice and help since that’s his area of expertise. My grandpa’s law degree is mostly business.

  I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’ve lived in a nightmare for the past few years, never finding a way out, but here I am, less than a month of being free and I feel like I’m in heaven. It all seems surreal, like I could wake up at any moment to find out this is all a dream.

  I’ll never forgive or truly forget what Rick has done to me. It will always be there, rooted deep in the darkest parts of me. But I feel like I can finally breathe and that I can be me, the real me, and not have to worry about the repercussions. Although I have far to go, I’m going to try my damnedest to keep the other Lola buried, the Lola who was weak-minded and frail. I’m going to pretend I left that part of me back in Carlisle.

  I’m so grateful for Dean being in my life again and for the nightmare he’s helped pull me out of. His guidance and faith in me have given me the courage and strength to start over. It’s given me a chance to be who I want to be without living in fear. I’ll always love him for that, but mostly I’ll love him for just being himself.

  Since leaving, I’ve become a stronger person. I’d been merely a shadow, a shell of my former self, and I hated looking in the mirror each morning and seeing that person reflected back at me.

  It’s made me learn a valuable life lesson that looks can be deceiving. One thing is for certain―I’ll never let myself be put in that position ever again.

  “Now it’s time to go and tell your parents. Do you think I’m doing the right thing? I don’t want them to treat me differently,” I question him, biting my bottom lip.

  “Yes, you most certainly are. C’mon. If we hurry up, we’ll have plenty of time to talk to them and let them absorb it all before Pagan and Sid arrive for lunch. Oh, and Lo?” he calls as I stand to get dressed.

  I turn around, facing him. “Yeah?”

  “I don’t know if I’ve told you this lately, but I’m so fucking proud of you, baby,” he says, stepping in front of me. He takes my face in his warm palms and brings it closer to his, kissing me breathless.

  Chapter 18

  Walking into the kitchen, Lily greets us with a bright smile, her hands clearly full. She’s prepping lunch whilst juggling her phone, letters, and other papers scattered about.

  Putting down the phone and dropping a letter, she steps up to us. “It’s so good to see you two,” she beams, bringing me in for a hug. I tense but scold myself and relax into the hug.

  “Hi.” I smile and step away, letting Dean give his mom a hug and kiss on the cheek.

  “I’m just going to feed the horses. I’ll be back in five or ten minutes,” Dean says, winking at me and making me blush before leaving.

  “What’s all this?” I ask, picking up a flyer.

  “It’s for the charity event we’re throwing. These pompous arses said they sent over the charity details, but I can’t find them anywhere. I’ve been on the phone to them all morning, but they keep mugging me about.” She sighs. “They take life for granted, only caring how much money they have in their bank accounts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they benefited somehow from doing this event. If your mom was here, she’d have them all up by their balls. She wouldn’t take this shit,” she rants, and I giggle. Hearing her get all worked up is funny. “Hold on,” she says, holding her finger up as her phone rings.

  She answers the phone, her voice changing to one I remember from when she’d tell Dean or the twins off. I tune her out, knowing she means business. I feel sorry for the poor soul on the other end of the phone.

  She’s right about my mom though; she would’ve had them by their balls. Both my parents gave a lot to charity, usually as an anonymous donation and sometimes through my dad’s company. They never wanted the recognition or the publicity, wanting people to concentrate on the charity instead.

  I think they also kept their donations quiet because no one knew how wealthy they were. They never wanted to risk the dangers of having money. They didn’t like the saying ‘money changes you,’ strongly believing money actually changed the people around you. They didn’t want people to be their friends just because they could get something from them. They couldn’t stand fake people and didn’t want to be associated with them.

  I actually carried on donating to the charities my parents were involved with. It’s another thing Rick didn’t like me doing. He would say there were millions of people in the world who could donate and that it didn’t have to be me. He hated the fact I gave my money away, yet never seemed to want it, if that makes sense. It’s what always confused me about him. He didn’t want my money yet always moaned about paying the bills. I even offered to pay for them, but he refused, saying I was rubbing it in his face about how much money I had.

  He even went to my grandpa once, demanding he be given guardianship over my inheritance. There was no beating he could have given me to make me sign over my parents hard-earned money, so Grandpa was the last resort. Of course, he declined and was actually pissed at Rick for having the nerve to even ask such a thing.

  Lily ends her phone call, immediately rushing over to a stack of folders. She grabs one and starts shifting through it before sighing with relief.

  “Everything okay?” I ask, stepping forward, a worried frown on my face as I take in her dishevelled appearance.

  “The charity is for McMillan Cancer,” she says, sounding shocked as she reads through a letter.

  “You seem surprised, Lily.” It seems like a good cause to me. In fact, it’s one of the charities I make monthly donations to.

  “I am, doll. Last year they all stayed here whilst holding the benefit at the town hall, and they were so rude, impolite, snobby and arrogant. They didn’t even know what charity they were raising money for and it irked me. They came across as selfish and spent the whole night talking business deals. They didn’t take the night seriously. It was just a ruse to make deals,” she tells me.

  “That’s bad,” I whisper, appalled.

  “It was. They were supposed to make a speech for the chosen charity, but the speaker spoke about a different one, and even then the facts weren’t right. It was a shambles. It’s the same group of people who are attending this year, but with the venue being bigger, we’ve involved some other local businesses.”

  “Maybe this year they could have their act together,” I suggest, though Lily looks doubtful.

  “Maybe, but they’re still arses.”

  I giggle at her cussing. She doesn’t do it much, but when she does it sounds like a foreign language. It’s hilarious.

  “Hey, what did I miss?” Dean interrupts, stepping into the room.

  “Yo
ur mom cussed,” I blab, and Lily shoots me a death glare, making me giggle.

  “Mom,” Dean scolds, narrowing his eyes though he’s clearly amused.

  “I’ll put a quid in the swear jar,” she mutters, shaking her head.

  “Swear jar?” I ask, wondering how that happened.

  “Yeah,” Dean answers, chuckling. “Dad kept swearing in front of clients. Mom and Pagan told him it was unprofessional and that it reflected badly on their business, so she bought a swear jar.”

  I laugh, throwing my head back. They’re simply a crazy bunch.

  “Shall we call the twins to come back early?” Lily asks, and the laughter leaves me, suddenly nervous because I know what’s about to happen.

  “Actually, Mom, Lola has something she wants to tell you and Dad. It’s important,” Dean says, his voice serious. “I think it best she tells you without the twins here, okay?”

  Lily looks between us, her expression curious and concerned, and I start to feel queasy.

  “I’ll just go get your father, then. We’ll meet you in the dining room,” she states before making her way out of the room to find Mark.

  I take a deep breath, feeling like I’m going to be sick. I wasn’t like this when I talked to Grandpa, but then again I was feeling all kinds of brave this morning. Now it seems to have worn off, nerves kicking in and bringing friends.

  “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I promise. I’ll be with you all the way through it,” Dean tells me as we walk hand in hand to the dining room. The place is spacious like the rest of the cabin, the dark wood glossy and brilliantly fitting with the rest of the room. It has a warm feeling, with thick white candles filling every available space. On the walls are canvas photos of the views around the land. Everything in here is inviting, and I can’t help but be comforted by that.

  Two minutes later, Mark and Lily walk in, both looking concerned as they take a seat at the mahogany table. My chest tightens.