If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  Dean, sensing my unease, places a reassuring hand on my thigh, squeezing me gently.

  “What did you need to talk about?” Lily asks, and Mark places his hand over hers, hearing the tremor in her voice.

  “I need to tell you something, and it’s going to be hard for me,” I tell them, looking at both straight on and gulping. “By the end of it you’ll understand why I can’t tell you everything, but you deserve to know as much as possible. If my parents were still alive I’d have sat here a long time ago telling you, so please let me get it all out before you want to ask me anything, okay?” I ask gently.

  “You can tell us anything, darling,” Mark assures me, and I give him a sad smile.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, then start from the beginning―how I met Rick, how it all started and then to the beating.

  I find myself going into more detail, not able to stop the words from leaving my mouth.

  I share about this morning, telling Grandpa for the first time and what he has planned. The whole time my eyes focus on Lily, watching her as she silently cries yet never once interrupts me. It’s so hard to watch and I want to stop so many times through everything just so I could comfort her.

  My eyes sting from holding back tears. I feel like I’m going to split apart at any second. It doesn’t feel the same as when I told Dean, Blaire, Brooke, or even Julie. It was hard telling Grandpa, but even after telling him, I felt the weight being lifted off me. But somehow, somewhere, I feel like I’ve let Lily and Mark down. It’s the same feeling I get when I think of my parents knowing.

  God, it’s killing me knowing I’ve put them through so much pain.

  After finishing I look down at the table, fighting tears. The dreaded silence begins to weigh me down. I feel like I’m paralysed, fearing the unknown of what they’re thinking.

  I honestly don’t know what I’d do if they hated me or were disappointed in me. Just the thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

  Lily clears her throat after what feels like hours of silence, when in reality it’s only been a few minutes or so.

  “Lola, baby. I’m so sorry. This is all our fault. We should have been there for you. We shouldn’t have given you time or let you push us away. God, your mother will be turning in her grave knowing I let you get hurt.” She sobs, clutching her chest as tears fall free.

  “No,” I deny, shaking my head as tears fall, blurring my vision. There’s nothing she could do that would upset my mom and it’s certainly not her fault.

  “Yes, Lola. It’s true. We should have protected you. If we were in your lives, then we would have seen the signs and helped you, my girl. We don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope you can find it in your heart to. I’m so sorry this happened to you.” She sobs into Mark’s chest, clutching his shirt. “He hurt our girl. Our girl. What kind of monster would hurt her?” she cries and my nose stings, more tears falling as I choke back my own sob.

  “Are you disappointed in me?” I ask quietly. “I knew what he was doing was wrong, and I tried. I really did try to leave him, but―”

  “No! Don’t think like that, ever. We could never be disappointed in you. You’re such a strong woman, Lola, but no one, and I mean no one, should ever have to go through that,” Mark says, his eyes watering.

  “But I―”

  “No, girl. No buts. We love you and never should have left you. It’s breaking my heart to know you’ve been alone all these years with that monster,” Lily chokes out.

  Not being able to stand to see her in so much pain, I lift myself out of my chair and make my way over to her. She pulls away from Mark, watching me curiously, and when I pull her in for a hug, she returns it. Holding onto each other for dear life, we sob into one another’s shoulders.

  Two chairs scrape across the wooden floor, causing us to pull apart. Dean and Mark quietly exit the room, giving us some privacy.

  “I’m so sorry we let you down,” Lily says, more tears falling as her chin wobbles.

  “No, Lily, you didn’t let me down. I was too weak, but it was always this place that kept me strong. Every time he laid a hand on me, or I was recovering from one of his tempers, I’d close my eyes and revert back to my happier moments, back here. This place was my safe haven. Why I never thought to come here before is beyond me.

  “Please don’t blame yourself. Back then, I was grieving too much, and I couldn’t deal with any reminders. As years went by, that hole in my heart just got bigger and bigger, but then I met Rick. I desperately wanted to be loved, and he filled a little of that hole, if only for a short while. But since I’ve been back here? It’s like I’m whole again. So don’t ever feel responsible, ever,” I tell her, my voice choked up as I explain it to her.

  “Oh, darling, you’ve always been loved. I love you like you’re my own daughter. I always have. Your parents died loving you, and they’ll be in heaven looking down on you, loving you more. When I look at you, I don’t just see your mother, my best friend, my soul mate. I see your beauty, your strength, and your heart. It’s pure and magical.

  “Knowing someone tried to take all that away from you breaks my heart. I wish we could have been there for you and that you had come to us sooner. I understand why, but darling, there is only one person to blame in all of this and that’s him. I know you haven’t told us everything he did, and I hope one day you’ll come to me and tell me. I know your mother would want that for you. She’d want there to be someone for you to talk to,” she whispers, and I break. Falling into her arms, I sob so hard we end up on our knees on the floor, holding each other.

  I can barely speak when we pull away, looking at her through blurry eyes.

  “I will, Lily. I promise. I just need some time. I can’t do this without any of you, and I was stupid to ever think I could. I was so scared you’d all be disappointed in me for staying with him for so long, or that you’d hate me for letting him do all those awful things to me,” I choke out, exhausted.

  “Never. And did you give him permission to hurt you?”

  I look up at her sharply, confused and a little hurt by her question. Because of course I didn’t give him permission. What kind of person would?

  “What? No! Never,” I tell her, shaking my head.

  “Then you never let him do those things to you, doll. You couldn’t be a disappointment if you tried. You’re too loving, too caring, and so much like your mother it’s uncanny,” she says, running her fingers through my hair before cupping my cheek.

  “I love you so much,” I sob, trying to calm down. “I love you all and I didn’t want to taint you with all of this, but I promise to tell you everything from now on. I’ll never keep anything from you again.”

  “Take all the time you need.” she whispers, pulling me into her lap and kissing my temple.

  After a few minutes, my sobs subside. A few tears still fall, but I manage to pry myself out of her arms and look up at her.

  “C’mon, let’s go see where our men have gone. I don’t want them messing in my kitchen and eating the food,” she says, lightening the conversation.

  She helps me to my feet, and we try to straighten our clothes, but when we look at our appearances, our eyes meet, and we burst out laughing.

  “God, I look a mess.” I giggle, my throat still raw from crying.

  “You look beautiful.” She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear before wiping under her eyes.

  “Yeah, right.” I chuckle, rolling my eyes.

  We walk towards the door leading to the kitchen, but instead of opening it, Lily stops to look over her shoulder at me. She seems reluctant about something, and it has me shifting on my feet.

  “Can I ask you something?” She turns to face me fully.

  “Yeah, anything,” I nod, although I feel a little nervous about what she’s going to ask.

  “It’s nothing bad,” she quickly assures me, waving me off. “It’s just… well, you can tell me to mind my own business, but you and Dean… seem close. Like, really close,” s
he says, and I blush. I can hide my reaction, she’s jumping and squealing.

  “What?” I ask, wondering what’s going on.

  “I knew it! I freaking knew it.” She laughs, bouncing excitedly. “You know, your mother and I watched how close you were growing up, and we planned your future together. We said you’d end up married with children.”

  “I know. She’d always go on about it, making me blush.” I giggle.

  “Yeah, she’d say you were going to be what tied our family together as blood, but then, even if you didn’t get together, we’d always be family.” She smiles.

  I don’t know why but her words have me choking up again, as does Lily. But the second we meet each other’s eyes we start giggling, a few tears falling free.

  God, what are we like?

  “C’mon, we need to get lunch ready for our men.” She winks and I blush. There’s no denying how my belly flutters at hearing her call them our men.

  She never was good at giving a subtle hint.

  Chapter 19

  “Bye,” I call out, waving to everyone after spending ten minutes convincing Lily and Mark that I’d be okay walking home on my own.

  They call back their goodbyes before heading back inside and shutting the door. I’ve had a good day, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as I make my way back home. The night air is cool, the stars bright and the full moon glowing brightly.

  I’ve spent the afternoon getting to know everyone. Pagan held most of the conversation, filling me in on everything I’d missed over the years.

  All my life I’ve felt alone, and even though I had my grandpa close by, that sense of loneliness never went away. Rick never filled the gaping hole my parents deaths left in my heart, not really. He only made it easier to live with. But over time our relationship sucked everything out of me and made that hole seem empty and hollow.

  But then I spend one day with them all, and it’s filled that void in my heart. I’ve never felt so full. I’m practically floating with happiness.

  God, I learnt so many things about all of them today. I just wish I’d been there to see it for myself.

  Apparently, Sid got into teaching when he was offered a job at the local school. A fan of the band, who was a teacher at the school, approached him at one of his gigs. They’d been watching him and were impressed with how he interacted with younger kids when he would give them guitar lessons in his spare time. It’s incredibly sweet of him to do that, and I can’t wait to see him play.

  They offered him a job, telling him they’d keep it available whilst he got his degree in education. He immediately took to the idea, finally finding something he wanted to do and was passionate about. And Sid is passionate about music; you could tell by the way he spoke about it.

  So he got his degree, working as a T.A at the school between classes. But because the school was having trouble finding a stand-in music teacher, he was basically teaching the class himself under the supervision of another teacher.

  I’m happy for him.

  Apparently Pagan can sing too, but even with all her confidence, she can’t sing in public or even in front of her family. She gets stage fright. It surprised me, to be honest. She’s so carefree and bubbly and always saying what’s on her mind, no matter how rude or inappropriate it may be. Though, her being able to sing doesn’t surprise me. She and Sid have always shared some of the same qualities. I guess singing is one of them.

  But although singing wasn’t her career choice, she still managed to find something she was passionate about. She’s just finished her business and personal relations degree, passing at the top of her class. Secretly, I think she just loves the control the job entails. She seems like the ‘take charge’ kind of person.

  At the moment though, she only helps out with Cabin Lake events for her father. She’s slowly been building up her portfolio so that one day she an open up her own business, which is ultimately her end game. But at the moment she’s hoping the work she does for her father gets her noticed, as the more recognition she gets, the more people will want to hire her. Personally, I don’t think she’s going to have a problem there.

  She’s organised the charity even for this Saturday. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but from the way Lily spoke about it the other day, I presumed the ‘pompous asses’ were hiring people to do it.

  The day had been a good distraction from my heart-to-heart conversation with Lily and Mark this morning. I can’t even explain how good it felt not to be pulled down into a depressing mood, which is what I always get like when I’m feeling mentally exhausted.

  Instead, they all kept me entertained for hours and hours and our lunch ended up rolling into dinner, hence the reason why I’m walking back so late.

  Speaking of Dean, before he left earlier, he said he wouldn’t be long, but the sun’s long gone down and he still isn’t back.

  I’m at my cabin door when my phone rings. Pulling it out of my pocket, a wide grin stretches across my face when I see Dean’s name flashing across the screen.

  “Hello?” I answer excitedly. “I was just thinking about you.”

  “You were, huh?” He chuckles, sounding tired. “I just wanted to check in and say I’m sorry for not being back already. After I picked up the crap Mom needed me to get, the office called. There’s been an urgent call from a client, and I need to go in. I need to get briefed so I won’t know when I’ll be back. It’s most likely going to be late, so I’ll understand if you want me to crash at mine tonight. You probably want your space back.” He chuckles again, but it sounds forced. It’s like the idea of not spending the night with me upsets him, and that thought makes me smile.

  Plus the thought of being without him scares me, and as much as I know I need to be stronger, I can’t. I just got him back in my life, and I’m not ready to let him go. I don’t even think I could sleep without him anymore.

  I rely on Dean a lot. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long. When he looks at me, I feel loved, cherished and special. I could live off that feeling alone for the rest of my life and die a happy woman.

  He loves me, and I love him. He shows me every day, and in every way a person can show someone they love them. I know people throw around the word love all willy-nilly―hell, Rick claimed he loved me, but for someone who claimed to have loved me, he had a funny way of showing it. If you love someone, you won’t hurt them, strip away their existence or tear them down inch by inch, until they felt like nothing.

  But when Dean tells me he loves me, it’s real. The words ring true every time he says them. It’s a love people dream of having, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him proving I love him back just as much.

  “No, I want you to come home to me,” I answer, smiling as I kick the bottom step, hovering outside in the cool air as we speak.

  I hear him sigh down the phone and I smile. I can picture him now, his relaxed face and his shoulders sagging with relief.

  Aww, he really didn’t want to go home.

  “I love the way you say home,” he half whispers, and the sound sends a shiver down my spine.

  “Yeah? Me too,” I admit honestly, biting my bottom lip.

  “Good, baby. I love you, Lo, and I promise I’ll be home as quickly as I can. Go to bed. I’ll grab the spare set of keys out of Dad’s office and let myself in so I don’t wake you up.”

  I nod, cursing inwardly when I realise he can’t see me. “Okay, I’m going to relax for a bit and watch a film first. Hopefully, I’m still up when you come home.”

  “Hopefully,” he whispers, sounding like he’d rather be here. “Get some rest. You’ve had a long day. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I grin as we both say our goodbyes and end the call.

  A thought occurs to me when I get off the phone, and I bite my bottom lip worriedly. I know how important his job is to him; I don’t want to distract him or keep him from doing his job.

  Whatever he’s got going on tonight, I jus
t hope it’s safe. After Pagan filled me in on his job and what it entails, I’ll do nothing but worry about him whenever he has to go in.

  She told me about the time he got badly beaten due to a case he’d been working on. He was beaten for information about what he knew and who he was working for, but he didn’t know what they were talking about.

  She told me he would’ve died if it weren’t for the fact they ransacked his office, finding information that proved he was who he said he was and that he was spying on them.

  It turned out that the case he was doing surveillance for happened to be at his attackers’ restaurant. The bloke he was watching kept eating there, every day like clockwork, so Dean kept turning up, watching him.

  His attackers were part of a local gang, and they were in the middle of a gang war at the time, so seeing Dean outside watching every day, they automatically assumed he was working for the other gang.

  It scares me to know his job could get that bad. Just knowing there could be a chance I’ll never see him again or hear him tell me he loves me, has my stomach sinking.

  Shaking those thoughts away, I change into my pyjamas before heading into the kitchen to make a mug of hot chocolate.

  After that, I head into the living room, finding Mom’s favourite movie, The Bodyguard, and putting it on.

  Settling down on the sofa, I grab the throw blanket and snuggle into the warmth, before sitting back to watch the film, feeling relaxed.

  *** *** ***

  “Wakey, wakey, beautiful. I’m sorry I’m late,” Dean whispers in my ear, waking me up.

  My eyes open to find his handsome face staring down at me. He looks tired and stressed out. Reaching up, I cup his jaw, my fingers running through his two days’ worth of stubble. I love it. It makes him look manly and sexy, and my pulse picks up at the smile he gives me.

  I guide my lips to his, giving him a quick peck on his before pulling back, smiling.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whisper, my voice filled with sleep.