If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  “I…,” I start, breathing through my panic. “The last time I was in this position was when….”

  Realisation dawns in his eyes and they soften as he kisses me. “I promise I’ll never hurt you, and if you don’t want to then we won’t,” he says, and I nod, trusting him. “If you’re uncomfortable at any time, tell me or if you can’t speak, tap the bed three times, and I’ll stop, okay?” he says, and I nod again. “Words love.”

  “Yes, just… just don’t hurt me,” I plead.

  “Never, I promise,” he whispers against my lips, capturing me in a breathless kiss, and my sex clenches.

  He helps me turn around onto my knees, as I rest down on my elbows. He growls low, deep in his throat and it excites me, already feeling wetness coating my sex.

  My eyes water as he poises his dick at my entrance, caressing my lower back lovingly. He rubs his erection through my wetness, coating his dick before entering in one smooth stroke and I throw my head back, the sensation so much more.

  “Oh, wow,” I cry out, never knowing it could feel like this. He’s deeper, hitting that spot with each thrust and my walls start to tighten all over again.

  His hands move to my hips, guiding me up and down on his cock. He moves slowly at first before picking up speed, each one driving me crazy.

  “You’re so hot, so tight,” he growls, slamming inside me and I cry out, pleasure rolling through my belly.

  “Please,” I beg, not knowing what for.

  “You want me to make you come?” he asks and God, his words have my sex clenching around him, to the point I nearly orgasm.

  “Yesss,” I hiss, moving back, slamming myself harder on his dick. I don’t know when it happened, but it’s not him fucking me anymore―I’m fucking him. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.

  “Fuck, you’re sexy,” he growls, tapping the globes of my ass and I moan, tightening around him.

  His hands on my hips snake around to my front, grabbing my full breasts in each hand, pulling me up a little so he has better access to squeeze and tug at my nipples torturously.

  “Yessss,” I cry out, slamming back down on him with each thrust.

  “Come,” he growls into my ear, dropping one hand down between my legs, his fingers strumming my clit, and the touch has me flying over the edge.

  I scream, my throat hoarse, and I tense as pleasure courses through my entire body. It’s nothing like my other orgasms; they paled in comparison. This one is more powerful, more intense and seems to go on forever.

  Dean growls, low and husky in my ear. Lifting my hips up and down his dick, he follows me over the edge, his own orgasm overriding his body. His breaths come in and out sharply, and his hands dig into my waist as he spills his seed inside me. His dick pulses and I inwardly curse, feeling his arousal dripping out of me, running down my thighs.

  “Fuck,” I whisper, realising he’s not wearing a condom, again.

  “I just did that, love,” he teases, kissing my cheek.

  “No, not that.” I giggle.

  “What is it, baby?” Pulling out of me and realising himself, he stills. “Shit.”

  I don’t know why but his reaction upsets me, like he’s ashamed to have released his seed inside me.

  “We didn’t use protection earlier either. I forgot to say something because you kept distracting me,” I tell him quietly, moving from under him so I can grab my robe.

  I leave Dean frozen on the bed while I rush to the loo to clean myself up. My eyes water as I pray he doesn’t think I’ve done this on purpose.

  Slowly, I walk back into the room, and Dean has moved to the edge of the bed and is now wearing boxers. The minute he sees me he jumps off the bed and comes over to me.

  “Baby, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m clean, I swear. I’d never put you at risk like that. I’ve never had unprotected sex before, ever, but I do have regular check-ups,” he explains and it occurs to me why he’s so upset. He’s not upset with me; he’s upset at the prospect of hurting me.

  Silly man!

  “I know that, and I trust you,” I tell him. “I was more concerned about the other part, the pregnancy part. Oh, and also, I’m clean. I got tested at the hospital on the way here….” I stop, not wanting to dredge up bad memories.

  He looks down at me, opening his mouth, but whatever he’s about to say is lost, and he shakes his head, frowning.

  “What? What’s wrong?” I ask, wondering if he thinks I’m lying or something.

  He looks torn whether to say it or not, but in the end, he gives in sighing. “Would it be so bad?” he asks, confusing me.

  “Huh? Getting an STD?”

  “No! You know, carrying my baby? I’m not saying we should start trying, but there’s already a chance now that you are, and if we are lucky enough to have made a life together, would it be so bad? With me as the dad, I mean,” he says, seeming shy about asking.

  My heart thumps against my chest as I stare at him, wondering if he’s serious or not. Having a child is a lifetime commitment and knowing Dean wants that sends excitement rushing through me. My heart fills with love and happiness, but dread fills me when I realise why we can’t.

  “Dean, I love you. I love you more than my own life, and there’s nothing I’d love more than to make a family with you,” I tell him, smiling sadly.

  “I’m sensing a but,” he says, looking saddened already, and it breaks my heart.

  “But what kind of person… hell, what kind of mother would I be to bring a child into my world, where I’m constantly looking over my shoulder in fear? I want it all with you, Dean, all of it. I want to get married, buy a house, and have kids. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be with than with you. You’re the only one I’ve ever seen a future with. I love you, and you’d make a fantastic father. But what if he finds me and I’m pregnant? He could―” I choke up, not able to form those words. I don’t even know if there’s a life growing inside me, but already the thought of him harming our child sickens me.

  “He’ll never find you, I swear. We’re going to stop him before anything happens. I love you so much, Lola.”

  “I love you too,” I repeat, and together we move to the bed, lying down and facing each other.

  “What will we do if you are?” he whispers.

  “Buy every parenting book there is from Brooke,” I tell him seriously before we both burst out laughing.

  “I love you so much Lola, and I know I keep saying it but I really do.” He pulls me into his arms.

  “You can tell me as many times as you want.” I smile. Every time I hear him say those three words, my stomach flips and butterflies flutter inside my stomach. “And I love you more, handsome,” I say, a loud, obnoxious yawn escaping me.

  He chuckles, kissing my temple. “Go to sleep, baby. We’ve got a long day tomorrow.”

  Gah, don’t remind me.

  “Night,” I yawn.

  “Night, baby,” he whispers, pulling me closer.

  Chapter 23

  The next morning I’m rushing around the cabin trying to get ready to meet Grandpa at Lily and Mark’s.

  Dean and I slept in until eleven. It’s now quarter past twelve, and I still can’t find my damn clutch anywhere. We’re running late as it is.

  “Did you see where I put my handbag last night, Dean? I can’t find it, and I need my phone. The police said they’d call to update me on what’s happening,” I rush out, throwing the sofa cushions everywhere.

  “Yeah, baby. It’s where you left it,” he tells me, and I turn around, giving him a dry look.

  “And where is that?” I ask sarcastically, hand on hip.

  “On the floor by the front door where you chucked it.”

  Well shit, I did chuck it by the door when we came in last night. I growl, frustrated when I find it where he said it was. “Are you ready to go?” I snap, but there’s no heat in my tone.

  “Babe, I’ve been ready for the past hour.” He laughs, jumping back when I go to punch his a
rm; playfully of course.

  “If they ask why we’re late, I’m blaming you,” I tell him, sticking my tongue out at him.

  When we finally arrive at the Salvatores, Mark and Lily are standing on the front steps. They both come over to greet us, giving me a warm hug and a kiss. I don’t miss the way their eyes run over me, checking that I’m okay.

  “How are you feeling today?” Lily asks, her face full of pain and worry.

  “I’m surprisingly okay, all things considered. The police haven’t gotten in touch yet. I think I’ll feel better once I know what’s going on. I’m really sorry for ruining last night. I hope I haven’t destroyed any future business for you,” I say, feeling guilty.

  Lily gives me a sharp look, shaking her head disapprovingly. “Look here, doll, we would rather lose our business than do business with people like that. We only care about you. We’re concerned about you and feel terrible that this happened. I just wish we knew what he was like before.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, looking at her and Mark for an answer.

  “Well, as soon as he got arrested, everyone started talking. It wasn’t the first time he’s done this to someone,” Mark explains softly, wary of my reaction.

  A part of me had already considered this, but hearing it and thinking it are two different things. I feel sick to my stomach. This world can be so evil.

  “Oh,” I whisper, my heart hurting for those women who didn’t get away.

  “Let’s just try to enjoy the day,” Dean says, giving his mom and dad a pointed look.

  They both nod, seeming apologetic. “Are you excited to see your grandpa?” Lily asks, changing the subject.

  “Yes.” My voice is full of excitement and happiness, and Lily laughs at my enthusiasm. She opens her mouth to say something when we’re interrupted by my phone ringing.

  “Oh, this might be the police. I should get it,” I say, looking down at the unknown caller flashing on my screen. I move back outside, sitting down on the step to get a little privacy, although Dean follows a few steps behind me.

  “Hello,” I answer politely.

  “Hi, this is Detective Robson. I’m calling for a Miss Lawson.” His voice is deep and smooth. I barely remember the man I gave my statement to last night, but his voice does sound vaguely familiar.

  “Hello, Detective Robson. It’s Lola here.”

  “I’m just ringing to inform you that Mr Wallace was charged this morning with attempted sexual assault and battery. According to our records, this isn’t the first incident with him. There’s another report claiming he assaulted a woman, but the charges never stuck due to lack of evidence. In this case, we have enough evidence and witnesses to confirm your allegation. It won't be going to court, as he pleaded guilty earlier this morning, which means he will get jail time, though he will get a shorter sentence than what he would have if he had gone to court. Are there any questions that you want to ask me before I go?” he asks, sounding curt and straight to the point.

  I pause, shocked. I didn’t think he’d plead guilty. I honestly believed it would be dragged through the courts since Jordan was telling everyone who would listen last night that I gave him consent.

  I’m in complete and utter shock, and I can’t help but wonder who got him to change his mind. It’s possible that his lawyer told him he’d get a longer sentence if he fought the allegation. We do have a solid case; even the officer from last night said that.

  “Miss Lawson?” Detective Robson calls, and I shake my head, snapping out of it.

  “Sorry. Um… no, no questions. Thank you,” I say numbly, still in shock.

  “That’s my job, Miss Lawson. I’m just glad we were able to take him off the streets before he could hurt anyone else,” he says sincerely.

  “Me too,” I whisper, realising what this all truly means. He won’t be able to hurt anyone ever again. My mind goes to Rick and what this signifies. Would getting him arrested and sent to jail be as easy as Jordan?

  I shake my head, concentrating on the phone call, missing half of what Detective Robson says.

  “Have a good day, and if you ever need anything, please just ring the station and ask for me. If I’m not there then leave a message for me and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can,” he offers, which I find remarkably kind.

  “Thank you. Goodbye, Detective Robson,” I say, still in a daze.

  I hear him end the call, the line going dead, but I still don’t move. I’m just so relieved I’ll never have to see Jordan again.

  I am worried about the media. Due to his position, the newspapers are going to be all over this and I don’t want my name to be leaked. It will be like sending a neon flashing sign to Rick that says I’m here.

  Dean said that they had to respect my privacy due to the nature of the incident, but you never know with reporters these days. I haven’t even looked on the Internet or at the newspapers this morning, and I’m not going to. I’d rather not know.

  “What did he say?” Dean asks, wrapping his arms around me as he sits behind me, his legs either side of me.

  I lean back, soaking in his warmth, and place my hands over his that are crossed in front of me.

  “Jordan pleaded guilty. There was too much evidence against him. What your parents were saying was true. Detective Robson confirmed it. He said this wasn’t the first accusation made against him.” I sigh, saddened about the women who haven’t received justice.

  “I can’t believe he’s gotten away with this before. I’m glad he’s going to jail,” he growls. “How do you feel now?”

  The question makes me wonder if he’s thinking of Rick. I know how desperate he is for me to go to the police and, if I’m honest, a part of me wants to.

  “Honestly? I’m more shocked than anything. I can’t believe he actually admitted to it. I really believed that he’d drag this through the courts, pleading his innocence. I’m just glad he can’t hurt anyone else.”

  “I know you did, baby, but you really need to have more faith in the justice system. I’m glad they’ve charged him. He deserves everything he has coming to him,” he seethes.

  “Was it the police, doll?” Lily asks, walking out with Mark.

  “Yeah, he’s been charged this morning. He pleaded guilty,” I inform them, still going over Dean’s last words about trusting the justice system.

  “Wow, I thought he was going to fight tooth and nail. Guess I was wrong,” she says, looking dumbfounded.

  “Me too. I really thought he’d turn everything around on me.”

  “I wish the fucker couldn’t afford shower gel,” she blurts out, and my mouth gapes open in shock before I burst out laughing, everyone joining me.

  “Lily.” I giggle.

  “Ew, Mom,” Dean moans, yet a chuckle slips free.

  Mark just shakes his head, amused. “C’mon, let’s get the kettle on. Your grandpa called me, letting me know he was on his way over. It’s why we came out. He’ll be here soon.”

  “I could kill for a coffee,” I whine dramatically as Dean helps me up off the step.

  “Are you sure that’s wise?” he whispers in my ear as we walk in and I look over my shoulder at him, confused. His eyes flicker to my midsection before pulling me back against his chest, his hands rubbing my stomach.

  My eyes widen with realisation. “Or tea. Yeah, I can do tea,” I shout to Lily and Mark in the kitchen, making Dean laugh as we follow them.

  “Where’s Pagan and Sid?” Dean asks, seeming more relaxed after the officer’s phone call.

  Lily fills the kettle and turns it on before turning to face her son. “Sid offered to help Pagan sort everything out at the marquee,” she says, looking at me before averting her gaze.

  What was that look about?

  “I thought she hired cleaners?” Dean says, looking through the fridge for food.

  “Stop bloody messing. I’ll make you some lunch when Dwayne gets here. And the catering company were meant to clean everything up last night, but we sent e
veryone home when… well, you know when,” she says, waving him off, and her earlier look makes sense. She didn’t want to bring it all back up in front of me.

  Guilt gnaws at me. “Does she need any help?” I ask, ready to go down there.

  “Oh no! We called a cleaning company this morning. Sid and Pagan are basically supervising and getting all the donations boxed up and sent to buyers.”

  “Are you sure? That sounds like a lot of work,” I ask again, biting my bottom lip.

  “Dwayne’s here,” Mark shouts from the other room. My eyes meet Dean’s, and a wide grin spreads across my face before I rush through the house, excited to see Grandpa.

  As I rush outside, I bounce on the top step, waiting for him to pull up.

  Dean said Mark filled Grandpa in on last night’s events for which I’m thankful. I don’t think my heart could handle telling him more bad news. It’s just one less thing to deal with, and by the look on my grandpa’s face, I can tell it’s going to be a long day. His salt-and-pepper hair looks a mess, like he’s run his hands through it too many times.

  The car barely comes to a stop before I’m jumping down the steps and running over. He’s just getting out of the car when I reach him so when I barrel into him, he falls back a step, catching me.

  Bringing my face into the crook of his neck, I breathe him in, and a tear falls from my eye right before I break down, my body trembling with sobs. Grandpa holds me, running his hand up and down my back, letting me get it all out.

  Guilt hits me painfully. He’s the only blood relative I have left, and I pushed him away. The fear of him having to face Rick’s wrath if he ever found out, made it easier, but doing so cost me my grandpa, and I’ve missed him so bloody much.

  “Hush child. Everything is going to be okay,” he says hoarsely, sounding choked up.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I cry, holding him tighter.

  “I’ve missed you too, doll.” He kisses my temple before pulling away and looking down at me with a sad expression. “Let’s go inside. We need to talk.”

  My stomach sinks and I nod, knowing I need to hear what he has to say. Dean pulls me into his side as Grandpa greets Mark and Lily with pleasantries.