If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  “But Dad, I let him do those things.”

  He shakes his head sadly. “No, girl, you didn’t. You are strong, fierce and when you love, you give it your all, but you were so lost. You were still mourning us, and Dean and his family,” he tells me.

  I gasp. “Dean. Will I see him again?” I cry.

  “You need to wake up. He’s waiting for you. He’s going out of his mind with worry.”

  “I don’t know how. I don’t know how to live without you. It’s been sixteen years and every day it’s like the day I lost you. I should have been with you. I should have died that day. I’ve messed up my life. I let you down. I let Grandma down and everyone else,” I sob, falling into my mother’s arms when she holds them out for me.

  “You could never let us down. We couldn’t be prouder of the woman you’ve become, and seeing you these past few months has made us the happiest we’ve ever been. Seeing you happy, living your life, it’s more than we could ever wish for. You need to live on. You need to grow old, marry Dean and have children,” Mom whispers.

  She runs her fingers through my hair, my head in her lap as Dad keeps a hold of my hand.

  “You may have lost who you were, but baby, we could never be disappointed in you. It took some strength for you to fight back, to find yourself and move forward. You’re an amazing woman, but you really do need to wake up now, baby.”

  “But I don’t want to leave you,” I say, holding onto Dad’s hand tighter and snuggling closer to Mom.

  “When your time comes, we will be here waiting for you. We love you. Don’t ever forget that.”

  My eyes grow heavy and I begin to panic.

  “I love you. Please don’t leave me,” I beg, trying to cling to them as much as I can.

  “Never forget we’re watching over you,” Mom sobs and I choke back my own, my eyes growing tired.

  “No!” I scream as everything around me once again turns bright, too bright, before dropping into complete darkness.

  CHAPTER 36

  LOLA

  I become aware of voices and my head screams in protest. It sounds like they’re shouting, whoever it is, but they’re only probably whispering. With my eyes closed, I try to get a feel for where I am and become aware of something in my hand, uncomfortable and foreign.

  A familiar beeping sound echoes in my ears and my mind tries to remember where I’ve heard that before.

  Before I figure it out, the two people who were whispering become clear and I strain to hear.

  “Why isn’t she waking up? It’s been fourteen hours,” Dean says and my heart picks up, beating wildly.

  He’s here.

  He’s really here.

  And then I remember why I’m so desperate for him to be here. It all comes flooding back. Rick kidnapped me, beat me, and chased me through the woods and… and I don’t remember. Why don’t I remember?

  “It’s perfectly normal, Mr Salvatore. Miss Lawson has suffered a horrific ordeal. Her body needs time to heal. She’s suffering from a severe concussion, so her mind needs time to adjust to the trauma it’s taken. I promise she’ll wake up when she’s ready.”

  I tune the voices out and try to remember what happened. When it comes back to me, my eyes snap open, and I gasp.

  The first thing I see when I’m able to focus is Dean. He’s standing at the end of the bed, looking tired and worn out. His jaw has a shadow from where he hasn’t changed and when I look closer, I notice blood covering his shirt.

  I panic, thinking he’s hurt, but when I try to move, everything in me becomes painful. I lie still, feeling out of breath.

  “Dean,” I croak out, then wince in pain. My throat hurts, feeling raw and dry.

  “Holy fuck,” Dean gasps, looking in shock. He snaps out of it and comes rushing to my side, taking my hand gently in his, careful not to touch the wires sticking out of my hand. “Lola, baby, thank heavens you’re awake. I thought I’d lost you. I’m so fucking sorry,” he tells me hoarsely. “I love you.”

  “Water,” I whisper.

  He nods, worry marring his features. He leans over, pouring me a glass from the jug by my bedside before coming back to me, placing the straw at my lips. The water stings at first before it soothes the dryness and pain. The feeling has my head throbbing and my chest restricting painfully.

  “Small sips, Lola,” the man from before says, and I turn my head. The doctor eyes me, taking notes as he looks at the machine.

  Knowing I don’t have much time before he starts asking me a bunch of questions, I turn back to Dean with sad eyes.

  “None of…. This isn’t your fault. He would have come eventually,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. Then my eyes widen when I remember Sally, hearing her screams inside my head.

  “What is it, baby? Are you hurting?” he asks panicked. The doctor hears and comes to my side.

  “Sally? What… what happened?”

  He looks at me sadly, and I can see in his eyes that this isn’t good. My eyes water and I pray it’s not true.

  “She died. Cage tried everything, but her injuries were too much,” he whispers, and I choke back a sob wincing when the pain in my throat worsens.

  “What about Rick? Did he get away?” I sniffle and go to wipe my nose but the second my hand touches my skin, I cry out.

  “Careful. Try not move for me, Lola,” the doctor instructs as he moves around me.

  My panicked eyes move to Dean’s and he rushes to comfort me. “He’s in prison. He’ll never touch you again. He won’t be seeing daylight ever again.”

  I sag against the bed, not realising until then how much I needed to hear those words. Broken sobs escape me and Dean curses. He tries to comfort me but with my body bruised and battered, there’s hardly anywhere for him to touch.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, baby. I promise everything is going to be okay.”

  I choke back another sob and turn to face Dean, letting the tears fall down my cheeks this time. “You don’t understand. I had to do things. Things I didn’t want to do but needed to. You’ll hate me forever. I don’t even remember how I got here or if he….” I start to cry, shaking my head.

  Dean’s eyes widen, and he leans forward. “Talk to me,” he says gently, and it breaks my heart.

  “I made him think he won so I could escape. I kissed him, sat on him, made him believe I was going to―” I start, but end up choking on my words.

  “Hey, you did what you had to do, Lola. Don’t get upset. You wouldn’t have escaped.”

  “I would have gone through with it,” I choke out, and he looks taken aback. “He threatened you, Grandpa and your family. I couldn’t let him hurt you.”

  “Fuck, Lola, you’re killing me. Please, it’s over. We can get through this, I swear. He can’t hurt you again.”

  “Did he…? Did he rape me?” I ask and again, the doctor takes notice. I want to snap at him to give us some privacy.

  “No, baby. I found you. Darius had found the lead, and we followed it, finding Sally first. I chased you through the woods and found you unconscious on the floor. I thought you were dead.”

  I stare at him, my tears falling harder. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry for what I did.” And I am. At the time I didn’t think, but now that I’m looking back on it, I cheated on him. I betrayed him for the monster.

  “What for?” he asks, and his eyebrows do that cute thing they do when he gets confused. It’s adorable, and I realise I might not have gotten to see that again had he not followed us in those woods.

  “For what I did with him.”

  “You survived. I’ll help you through that nightmare, baby, but you have nothing to apologise for. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, more than life itself.” He smiles, running a finger gently over the top of my hand.

  “I saw my parents,” I blurt out, my eyes widening when I realise I did. I saw them, I felt them, smelt them.

  “What?” He looks to the doctor worriedly. “Love, your parents are dead.”

  “I kn
ow. But I saw them. They… I don’t know,” I say, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to check you over.”

  “Am I okay?” I ask the annoying doctor before turning to Dean who tightens his lips.

  “He wouldn’t tell me anything because I’m not a blood relative. He just said you were stable,” he tells me, hostility in his tone.

  “I’m sorry but the hospital rules state―”

  “Tell me, am I okay?” I remember every hit, every kick, and punch, and if I’m honest, I’m kind of worried about the pain in my throat.

  “Am I okay to talk freely?” he asks, and I roll my eyes. Well, I would if I could open one properly.

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve suffered bruising to your left ribs. You have a severe concussion, which we would like to observe overnight, and lacerations to your front and back. We’re concerned about the bumps to your head, but from the tests we’ve been able to do, you should be okay within a few days or so. The blood vessels in your eyes have burst so your eyes will be bloodshot for a few weeks, if not longer but should heal back to normal. You’ll need to see your medical practitioner about your throat. You have bruises from where you were strangled, which you can see clearly. I’m sure you can feel a lot of pain. That’s the swollen trachea, but it’s only mild and should heal in a few days at the most. You’ll most likely suffer from earache and some neck pain.”

  “Is that serious?”

  “It’s not one hundred percent, but we’re certain you didn’t pass out from the strangulation but from shock. Had it been from the strangulation, you and I would be having this conversation on paper and the vessels in your neck would have burst. You’re a very lucky woman,” he says, and I want to scoff. How is any of this lucky?

  “So when can I go home?” I ask. I hate hospitals, ever since my parents died.

  “We want to monitor you overnight now that you’re awake, but there’s also something I’d like to talk to you about. Are you sure you wouldn’t like some privacy?” he asks, his eyes flickering to Dean. I can feel Dean’s annoyance from here, and I shake my head at the doctor.

  “He stays.”

  He nods and takes the clipboard, looking it over. “We did some tests while you were sleeping and before we could give you any X-rays. The bloods came back with a positive for pregnancy,” he says and I stare at him, wondering if I heard him right.

  It can’t be possible.

  Not after everything I’ve been through. There’s no way my―our baby―survived. My heart aches and I turn to Dean, tears falling down my cheeks.

  “Is it okay?” I choke out, and the doctor gives me a sad smile.

  “With trauma like yours, it’s hard to tell. I’m going to get the ultrasound so we can check out the baby, okay?”

  I nod, feeling numb as I turn back to Dean who is sitting there stock-still. His eyes haven’t left where the doctor was standing, and I move my hand, snapping him out of it. He looks at me, his eyes wild and glassed over.

  “We’re going to have a baby,” he says, breaking the intense silence. I want to have the same enthusiasm, but the possibility the baby hasn’t survived is all I can think about.

  “What if… she or he…?” I stop, my words shaking as more tears fall.

  “We can’t think like that, baby. If something has happened, then we’ll get through it. We can try again. I love you, Lola, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  God, I wish these tears would stop falling.

  He grabs a tissue when he sees me hesitate to wipe them away, not wanting to cause anymore pain. He wipes my face gently, and I relax, my eyes closing.

  “You’re going to be a daddy,” I whisper.

  “And you’re going to be one hot mom.” He grins, and I give him a watery smile, placing my hand over my stomach.

  “I don’t feel so hot. I nearly lost you and our baby. I really thought I’d never see you again. You were all I could think about, and when I thought I was going to die, it killed me. I didn’t want to lose you but knowing now that there was a chance―that there is a chance―I could lose our baby… I don’t know what I’ll do,” I whisper, feeling broken.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I just wish I was there for you when you really needed me.”

  “You’re always there for me.” I smile as the doctor walks back in, pushing a machine. A nurse walks in behind him and gives us a bright smile of her own.

  “You’ve got quite the crowd waiting to see you.” She gives Dean a soft look. “This one hasn’t left your side since they brought you in.”

  “It does seem you have people patiently waiting for you, so hopefully this will be quick,” the doctor says. “This will feel cold on your belly for a minute.”

  He holds a tube of gel and very gently pulls my gown up to reveal my belly, keeping my lower half covered with the blanket.

  I welcome the coolness and watch in a daze as both the nurse and doctor fuss around with the machine. The nurse dims the lights before moving to stand behind the doctor.

  “This is a probe. It will help me see if the baby is okay and project a picture on the ultrasound,” he says, but I’m too transfixed on the screen, although I can’t see it. I’m hoping if I stare long enough he’ll turn it for me.

  I jump when he sets the probe against my gel-covered stomach and starts pressing it in. I can’t even feel the pain because all of a sudden, a thump, thump, thump sound echoes around the room.

  “That’s your heartbeat,” the doctors says, not bothering to look my way.

  He starts muttering under his breath, moving the device lower, pressing it at different angles before a new sound comes through the speakers and I gasp.

  I know.

  My watery eyes shoot to Dean to find him with the same wondrous expression.

  “Is that my baby?” I choke out, and the doctor turns this time to address me.

  “It is. You have a very healthy baby. I’m just going to do some measurements and make sure everything is okay first.

  I nod and cry out when he turns the screen. On there is a half-moon of black, the rest static of black and white. When he points to the middle, my eyes focus on that, watching the movement there with vast fascination.

  “That there is your baby’s heartbeat. Here, you can see the head,” he starts, pointing out the different parts.

  Dean’s hand grips mine tighter, but I don’t care. I’m just glad we’re here, that the baby is alive and we’re still together.

  We wait for the doctor to finish up before I turn to him, my words coming out in a breath. “Do you know the sex or how far along I am?”

  “You’re around ten weeks. I can’t tell the sex, but you’ll find out at your twenty-five-week scan. Everything seems to appear normal but to be sure, I’d like you to have weekly check-ups until we’re certain. I know you’ve got visitors waiting to come in and see you, but I do advise you keep it brief. You need rest, Lola, and if you’re okay to leave in the morning, you’ll be released. Any questions before I leave?” he asks.

  “Could I have a picture?” I ask, shyly.

  “Yes.” He smiles and clicks a few times on the machine before leaving. He returns moments later with a picture, and I grin, staring down at the beautiful image.

  “Remember, not too long.”

  I ignore the doctor, I don’t even hear him leave.

  “I’ll go and get your family but before, I’d like to talk to you about something,” the nurse says, and my attention snaps to her. “Another doctor will be in to see you later. With what you went through, we offer some help and support. Will that be okay with you?”

  I nod and smile. She pats the bed once before leaving, going to get our family.

  I turn to Dean, my eyes widening when I see his head in his hands, staring at the floor.

  CHAPTER 37

  DEAN

  “Dean,” Lola whispers and I look up with tears falling down my face. I can’t
believe it. It didn’t feel real before. I was trying to stay positive because she had already been through too much. I thought this conversation would be ending differently, that we would have lost our baby, our first child.

  I can’t speak, can only stare at the scan picture she holds in her fragile, cut-up hands. The past twenty-four hours have been a nightmare for me, and it’s all playing in my mind. The only time I remember it could have been worse is when I see her chest, watching it rise and fall with each breath she takes. The second I look at her broken body, it’s just another reminder that she was still hurt, no matter the outcome.

  But seeing and hearing our baby, the life we’ve made growing inside her, it’s too much. I’m overwhelmed, and it’s all building up.

  “You don’t want this?” she whispers, and my head snaps up. “It’s okay. I’m scared too, but we can do this. I know we can.”

  “Are you kidding me, Lola? This is the best news since the moment you came back into my life. I’m just overwhelmed right now. We have a baby on the way. And yeah, that scares me, but what scares me the most is that I couldn’t look after you. I couldn’t protect you. I could have lost you because of that. I know you’re alive, but you’re still hurt, and this could have turned out a lot different,” I tell her, wanting her to understand.

  “Dean, this isn’t your fault. You can’t beat yourself up for something he did to me. If it weren’t for you, I’d have nothing to live for. Nothing.” she sighs, then looks up at me through her eyelashes. “When I was… asleep, when I saw Mom and Dad, they told me I had to come back, that I had so much to live for. I felt broken having to leave them, but I knew I had you waiting for me, that I needed you. So I’m not going to let what happened come between us. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. It’s over. It’s finally over. We can be whoever we want to be, go wherever we want to go and not have to worry about him.”

  I stare at her in awe before pushing back my chair and grabbing the box from my jacket the medic hung on the back of the chair. The nurse wasn’t lying when she said I hadn’t left her side. I saw my parents briefly before moving into her room. She frowns at first, and it’s cute, but her eyes soon widen when I kneel down next to her, my head reaching the top of the bed. I feel like a dwarf, and this isn’t exactly the way I hoped this would be going, but here goes nothing.