Finding Zoe

by Brandi Rarus

  Meanwhile Sandy and Stephane began warily preparing for Celine’s arrival, painting the guest bedroom pink, putting up curtains, and moving in the crib and rocker, which Sandy had re-covered for the occasion. With two months until Jess’s due date, they knew that anything could still happen.

  Stephane, especially, wasn’t counting his chickens because of what happened with Antoine’s birth father and because he hated surprises. An electronics engineer who traveled on business for weeks at a time—and who had scores of engineers reporting to him in the United States and abroad—he swore by having contingency plans, carrying extra credit cards, and using common sense. He lived his life like he played chess: strategizing, making long-term moves, and saving for a rainy day.

  To Stephane, everything was a step-by-step process. Yet, he had a heart of gold, and as long as he did what he could in any given situation, he never worried about a thing. He believed that there was always wiggle room in what you do, as long as you played by the rules.

  Sandy usually played by Stephane’s rules and was very content with having him at the head of the family. A speech pathologist who worked with stroke and traumatic-brain-injury patients, she grew up in rural Minnesota and had spent much of her childhood in church. One of four sisters, she had always dreamed of having a daughter and was absolutely thrilled when Marlys told them that Jess was having a girl.

  On March 22, when Jess called them from the hospital, telling them that their daughter had been born, they were ecstatic. Jess was emotional, and it was catching. Even Stephane couldn’t contain his excitement. Jess had gone into labor around 1:00 AM and gave birth to Celine the following afternoon at 2:47 PM, with her mother by her side. Celine weighed 5 pounds, 15 ounces and was 19 inches long.

  As soon as she started pushing, Jess could tell by her mother’s face that she was very excited, which made her push even more. When Celine’s little head came popping out, Jess was ecstatic, in bliss. She wasn’t thinking about the circumstances; she wasn’t thinking at all—she was in the moment, watching the most beautiful little girl being born. Nothing else mattered. Tomorrow, and the day after that, didn’t exist.

  “I did it. I had a baby,” Jess gushed, staring at Celine, her heart bursting with pride. She decided to wait to hold Celine until after the nurses had attended to her and completed their testing, so they left with her, and Jess lay in bed exhausted, her parents by her side.

  A little later, when the nurse finally returned and placed Celine in her arms, Jess cried and cried. The nurse mentioned how beautiful and healthy Celine was, and that she looked a lot like Jess. Then she explained that Celine hadn’t passed her hearing test in one ear, but quickly reassured Jess that this wasn’t uncommon in newborns, and that the doctors weren’t at all concerned. Jess figured that Celine had failed the test because she was such a small baby.

  JESS AND ZOE

  Shortly after Marlys arrived and gave Jess a big hug, she got straight to the point and explained that for the rest of the day, Jess should expect to be on cloud nine but that the following day, she would probably crash.

  Marlys was right.

  For the remainder of that day, Jess was in heaven just being with Celine. Jess and her mother tried picking out Celine’s features—what she took from her and what she took from BJ. Then she and her mother played cards while they took turns holding and feeding Celine until midnight, when exhausted, Jess slept like a baby herself.

  Already on emotional overload, she never called BJ to let him know that she had given birth. She didn’t want to deal with the fact that he hadn’t agreed to the adoption and open a can of worms on the most incredible day of her life.

  Marlys, of course, had let Sandy and Stephane know that Celine had failed her hearing test—and they wondered why—but knowing that happens sometimes with newborns, they weren’t concerned. They were more worried about BJ terminating his parental rights in a month from then, if not sooner, and bringing Celine home. This was considered an “at-risk” adoption because BJ had not yet legally surrendered his parental rights. Therefore, if Sandy and Stephane took Celine home and then BJ came forward to claim custody of Celine, they would have to let her go with him. Until BJ surrendered his parental rights, Celine was all set to stay in foster care—the same one at which Antoine had stayed, and Sandy and Stephane had become good friends with his foster parents, Chuck and Lois. Given the circumstances, this situation was ideal.

  The following morning, Marlys returned to the hospital bright and early and asked Jess, who was scheduled to check out of the hospital that evening, to pick a time when she would leave, explaining that if she didn’t, she might never want to leave. Jess swallowed hard then told her nine o’clock, and Marlys left.

  Shortly after, Jess’s friends and relatives started filing in. Jess’s aunt, one of the first to arrive, snapped a photograph of Celine, and as soon as Jess looked at it, she realized that she only had eleven hours left to be with her daughter.

  She knew that she would be allowed to visit Celine in the foster home, but the clock inside her heart had started ticking. Around two o’clock, her “Circle of Trust” stopped by with some Peanut M&Ms and Dr. Pepper, which she really appreciated. But by late afternoon, she was barely holding it together, so her mother asked everyone to leave so that Jess could rest and be alone with Celine. When the clock struck eight, Jess realized she only had an hour left to be with her baby and asked her parents to leave.

  The room grew very quiet; except for a few cars honking outside and the rustle of the curtains from an incoming breeze, there were no sounds at all. Jess sat in the rocker catty-corner to her bed. She held Celine, who looked so adorable all wrapped up in her little pink blanket. She wished she could hold her forever.

  Gently, she caressed and kissed her tiny face and then sang to her softly, beginning to mourn the life that she believed she would never know.

  “I’m so sorry that I have to give you away,” she said to her. “I’m so, so sorry.” Then she sat there and wept, her grief engulfing her. After the wave of grief subsided and she could speak again, she said to Celine, “I love you and will never forget about you. Please, don’t ever forget about me.”

  Celine stared back at her with her innocent, loving eyes, and Jess, falling, falling, cried out to her mother, who had stepped outside the room, “Mom, read me the Parenting List. Hurry, please.” Her mother read the list to her over and over again. Reading it to her forever wouldn’t have been long enough.

  Ultimately, what got Jess through the night—and many nights to come—was her belief that she had done the best thing for Celine.

  Before giving Celine to Marlys, who had arrived right on schedule, Jess kissed Celine on the forehead one last time and told her that she loved her. Marlys didn’t say a word; she just squeezed Jess’s hand, told her that she’d talk to her soon, and then left with Celine for the foster home. It was exactly what Jess needed. She didn’t want anyone to say anything. Then, she and her parents packed up her belongings and left the hospital; Jess was so distraught that her mother practically carried her to the car. In Minnesota, a birth mother must legally surrender her parental rights in order for her baby to be adopted, so the day after Jess left the hospital, she signed the necessary paperwork so that Celine could be adopted by Sandy and Stephane. She braced herself, held her breath, and signed on the dotted line.

  Although emotionally spent and feeling like she could sleep for weeks, Jess thought that the worst was over.

  * * *

  WHEN BJ FOUND out that Jess had given birth—and hadn’t told him—it was the final blow. Something snapped inside him. He just couldn’t believe that Jess didn’t have the common decency to let him know that his own daughter had been born. For BJ, it was the ultimate betrayal.

  During the following weeks, he felt despair unlike any he had ever felt in his entire life. He started drinking, and the thought of losing Celine was unbearable. The feelings of emptiness, of her being gone and him not knowing where she was, or
knowing anything about her life was the hardest part—he couldn’t be there.

  He had breakdowns. One night, he went out with his sister, and the more he drank, the more his emotions came pouring out.

  “I have a little girl, and she won’t even know who I am,” he cried to her.

  His sister listened, hating to see him in such agony, yet feeling like she couldn’t do anything to help him. She actually thought about adopting Celine herself but wasn’t quite ready to have a child.

  “For nine months, I swallowed my feelings,” he continued. “Shouldn’t I have a say in her future, too?” he went on, his anger and resentment continuing to build.

  They talked a bit more, and then his sister finally said, “Listen, BJ, you have to do what you have to do.”

  He knew she was right.

  He hired an attorney who explained his legal rights to him and the steps he would have to take if he wanted to sue for custody of Celine. The attorney also began telephoning Jess on BJ’s behalf. Jess, now feeling threatened, started responding to his phone calls. Not only that, but Marlys even invited him to the adoption agency to meet Celine.

  On April 10, 2004, BJ, along with his parents and his sister, set out for Frost, Minnesota, to see the baby. BJ’s dad once again expressed that because BJ wasn’t settled in his career, he thought the best thing for BJ to do was sign the paperwork as soon as possible so that Celine could be adopted; however, if suing for custody was what BJ really wanted, he would be there for him.

  They entered a cheery-looking room painted pale yellow. An Anne Geddes photograph of babies sitting in flowerpots hung on the wall, and children’s toys and books were scattered all around. Below the photograph was a bassinet. Marlys, who was in the room waiting for them, came over to greet them and brought them over to the bassinet. Because Celine was already in foster care, Marlys had picked her up and brought her to the agency to be with them.

  “Well, here she is,” Marlys said, walking them over to Celine. “She’ll need a bottle in about fifteen minutes, if you’d like to feed her. And her diapers are on the shelf.”

  BJ was transfixed.

  “Isn’t she darling?” Marlys continued. Then she said that she’d be back in about an hour and left.

  BJ looked down at Celine, who was all wrapped up in her pink snuggly, her big, blue angel’s eyes twinkling back at him. He wanted to scoop her up in his arms so badly but felt a little nervous, so his mother picked her up and placed her in his arms for him.

  His heart melted. This was his daughter. He’d felt that way throughout Jess’s entire pregnancy, and even more now, he felt an overwhelming need to protect her welling up from within.

  Holding her, everything felt good and right. He felt calmer and could think more clearly. He hated the fact that she was in foster care. At one point, the thought did occur to him that she might be better off being placed for adoption, that it would be more stable. Yet, at the same time, because of his upbringing and his experiences with his brother’s babies, he just couldn’t imagine her being “out there” in the world and not being part of her life. Either way he looked at it, he had a sinking feeling inside.

  After an hour, Marlys returned with Sandy and Stephane’s portfolio for him to look at. He glossed over it and saw that they were a fine family; but quite frankly, had they been the king and queen of England, he wouldn’t have been impressed. When it was time for BJ and his family to leave, he could barely tear himself away from Celine, wishing he could take her home with him and be with her forever.

  You have to do what you have to do—his sister’s words echoed in his mind. It was then that BJ vowed to be involved in Celine’s life from then on in—and not let anybody stop him anymore.

  * * *

  IN THE WEEKS prior to returning to work, Jess had recuperated at home; visited her mother, who lived about an hour away; and visited Celine at the foster home once a week, which was about an hour away in Blue Earth, Minnesota.

  Her first day back at McDonald’s, a stranger approached her and handed her an envelope. She knew what it was, immediately: BJ had gone through with his threat to sue her. All of the blood drained from her face, and she started crying. She was right in front of customers but just couldn’t help herself. It was such a blow. She wasn’t prepared for it. She knew that BJ didn’t want Celine to be placed for adoption, but she just didn’t think that he would actually sue her for parental custody—that he would actually take things that far. It still hadn’t sunk in that he wasn’t going to do what she wanted him to. Too upset to remain at work, she asked one of her coworkers to finish up for her, and then went home and told her father what had happened.

  “He’s ruining my life,” she screamed. “We had a plan, and he’s ruining it. All of the progress that we’ve made was a complete waste of time.”

  Jess’s father listened, both of them getting madder by the second.

  “What’s the point of pursuing adoption or college? I have to be a mother instead. BJ wants to be a good parent. Well, you can still be a good parent, even if you place your child for adoption,” she said, beginning to doubt her own decision.

  “Don’t worry, Jess,” her father said. “We’ll figure out what the best thing is for you to do.”

  * * *

  IN THE MEANTIME, Sandy and Stephane finally met Celine. They arrived at Chuck and Lois’s farmhouse at noon, after having driven for three hours. Lois answered the door, wearing an apron over her dress, with baby Celine cradled in her arms.

  They were immediately so taken by Celine’s beauty, by the sparkle in her eye, and the way that she laughed and moved; at two weeks old, she was already her own little person. They spent the afternoon entranced by the sweet, alert little girl. The following week they visited again.

  Things seemed to be going so well. Lois had taken Celine for a follow-up hearing test, and Marlys told them she passed. They imagined finally letting down their guard. They never wanted to hold back or protect themselves. They wished they could take Celine in their arms and bring her home, but they didn’t have the chance. Right after their second visit, Marlys informed them about the trouble with BJ, and then a week after that, he sued for custody.

  Stephane was disappointed but not crushed. He knew the drill, and never, even for one second, had allowed himself to think that Celine was theirs. Marlys had already discussed the psychology of birth fathers with him on several occasions. Now, after the suit had been filed, they talked about it on the phone again.

  “I know it’s upsetting, Stephane, but I’m hoping that BJ will change his mind. Jess kept him away, and now he’s asserting his rights, trying to take back some control.”

  “Yeah, at the eleventh hour,” Stephane said.

  “His response is fairly typical, but they usually come around,” Marlys continued.

  Stephane understood the feeling of wanting to be in control. “Well, if BJ wants to raise Celine,” he responded, “and has help from his family, I respect that. That is his right.”

  “Believe me, most birth fathers are not interested in raising their children,” Marlys replied.

  “Still, so often people don’t take responsibility for their actions,” Stephane continued, “and when they do, I think they should be praised and not judged.”

  Sandy wasn’t quite as understanding and took the whole thing much harder than her husband. It was very difficult not knowing if the baby she already loved was going to be her daughter. But she put the situation in God’s hands and tried to think of what had happened as a blessing—that BJ would see that while holding a baby for a few hours was great, being a single father was entirely different. The prospect of feeding her every two hours when she cried at night, and then getting up in the morning and going to work, would be daunting.

  After talking with her attorney, Jess went for the jugular, calling BJ on the phone and threatening to never let him see Celine if he lost, which really set him back. Still, even though he knew that he might lose the court case, he had to t
ry. His attorney assured him that if he told the judge how he felt, sharing as passionately about it as he had with her, there was no way that the judge would prevent him from seeing his own child. He was somewhat relieved yet still concerned, knowing that he couldn’t negotiate with Jess if the judge took her side.

  Jess’s attorney also explained that if Jess didn’t want BJ to have parental custody of Celine she would have to pick her up from foster care and bring her home—that if she didn’t, BJ could claim legal custody over her. Unfortunately, Jess would now have to prove to the courts that she wasn’t an unfit mother and that she was capable of taking care of Celine and wasn’t abandoning her.

  The situation blew her mind. She wasn’t prepared; she didn’t have a crib or a car seat or baby supplies or anything. However, after talking things over with her parents, it became crystal clear that she would have to bring Celine home to her father’s house—temporarily—until she figured out what to do next. Marlys made the necessary arrangements.

  Deep down, Jess just knew that she couldn’t give BJ parental custody of Celine. If she did, the mother inside of her would have felt like she had abandoned her child. It would’ve been like telling the world that she didn’t want her own baby, but BJ did.

  Choosing an adoption plan for Celine was a completely different matter. Carefully selecting adoptive parents who would love, protect, and nurture her and provide her with a beautiful family and all that goes with it—personally choosing that family for her daughter—that she could live with. Sad as the decision had made her, the mother inside of her could go on living, knowing that she had made this painful choice, not out of abandonment, but out of love.

  Somehow, things came together. A few of Jess’s friends from McDonald’s brought over a baby swing and a playpen. Jess’s father contacted human services, helping Jess to apply for welfare, figuring that it would only be temporary. Whenever she felt afraid, he told her, “Jess, this is the right thing to do. No matter what it takes, we have to see this through.”