Finding Zoe

by Brandi Rarus

  On May 5th, several weeks after she had been served the court papers, with her parents’ support and a car seat that she bought at a garage sale securely in place, Jess drove to the foster home to pick up Celine. Is this the way it’s supposed to be? she wondered as she drove. Is God telling me to take care of her for good? She arrived at the foster home barely containing her tears.

  Lois, sensing how difficult a situation this was for Jess, gave her Celine’s feeding and sleeping schedule, and then Jess left with Celine. Moments later, with Celine sleeping peacefully in her car seat, it hit her. “Oh, my gosh. I have my daughter in my backseat.” She drove home, stopping only at the house of a friend whom she trusted for a crash course on caring for her baby. Her friend, who was like a second mother to her own nephew, showed her all the basics, such as how to feed and burp Celine, how to change her diaper, and other assorted tips.

  “Always have patience,” her friend said, “and remember that Celine won’t be sleeping through the night for a long time.”

  Just a few hours later, she was at home with Celine—whom she’d agonizingly said good bye to just weeks before. It was so hard for her to believe that it was actually happening, that Celine was with her, in her father’s house, dependent on her care. Those seven weeks were the most loving, joyful, torturous, fearful, and uncertain weeks of her entire life. She didn’t know whether to be Celine’s mother or babysitter. She didn’t want to become attached to her, but how could she help it? She felt as if her faith was being tested, but never lost hope that BJ would agree to make an adoption plan for Celine.

  Once, when Celine was fussing in the middle of the night, Jess traipsed downstairs with her to the kitchen to feed her, figuring that she was hungry. Celine was crying, and Jess, needing her sleep, was terribly grumpy. Well, there Jess was, sitting at the kitchen table in her blue nightgown, feeding Celine, when all of sudden Celine pushed the bottle away, looked up at her and busted out laughing, as if she knew something Jess didn’t. She must have laughed for almost a minute. Jess immediately busted out laughing too, told her how much she loved her, and then slept like a baby herself.

  As if things weren’t challenging enough, Jess soon began noticing that Celine didn’t seem to hear things at times. Once, Jess’s mother dropped her keys right next to Celine, and she didn’t even flinch. Another time during a storm, a crack of thunder shook the house, and again Celine didn’t stir. While the nurse at the hospital had told Jess that even though Celine had failed her hearing test the doctors weren’t concerned, Jess began worrying. Then, the court day was upon her.

  The purpose for going to court was for Jess and BJ’s attorneys to officially open up the case. It wasn’t time yet for going up on the witness stand or attorney summations. However, unless things changed, that would all be happening soon enough.

  Jess and her parents arrived at the courthouse promptly at 9:00 AM, on edge, determined to hold their ground. They met Marlys soon after. She would be acting as the mediator for both sides. The four of them stood and talked for a few minutes, and then Jess, looking out over the balcony to the first floor below, noticed BJ and his parents and their attorney walking into the building.

  Jess’s heart started pounding. Even though she wasn’t advised by her attorney not to talk to BJ, she was afraid of saying very much for fear of saying something she would regret later on. In the five months since she had last seen him at McDonald’s, she had built up even more resentment.

  BJ and his entourage walked up the stairs and over to where Jess, her parents, and Marlys were standing, and everyone said hello. The two attorneys exchanged a few words and then left, entering a room off the hallway. Wanting to make the best of the situation, Jess’s parents and BJ’s parents talked cordially for a short while.

  At one point, Jess and BJ found themselves sitting together on a bench in the hallway. Jess took in a deep breath then said, “BJ, won’t you please agree to the adoption? I have to get on with my life, and Celine needs a home.”

  BJ, also a bundle of nerves and sensing Jess’s emotionality, kept his response short. “I’m not ready to do that yet,” he replied, by then feeling that things were out of his hands and putting his trust in his attorney.

  After taking another deep breath, Jess went on, “We think that Celine has a problem with her hearing.”

  BJ’s eyes opened wide.

  “Yeah, she didn’t hear my mother’s keys when they dropped right next to her or thunder that shook the house.”

  “Wow,” BJ said, not knowing what else to say.

  “Most of the time, she’s fine, though,” Jess continued. “We’ll be taking her for a hearing test in a few days. Hopefully, she’ll be all right.”

  BJ nodded in agreement. Yet, throughout the entire conversation, he wondered if he was being too passive and was not fighting hard enough for Celine. Both he and his parents, just like Jess and hers, were beside themselves that day. When Jess had first become pregnant, they were so confused about what might happen and what they could do about the situation. In all their lives, they never could imagine a mother giving up her child. Now here it was happening, and they were a part of it. The whole thing was just inconceivable to them. To make matters worse, BJ’s attorney had pulled him aside, informing him that he had a bad judge, one who was particularly big on giving the mother full custody of the child, and that she had seen her do it several times.

  When the attorneys returned, after finishing up for the day, everyone reconvened in the hallway. Before leaving the courthouse, BJ’s mother went over to Jess, gently touched her arm, and said, “Jess, if there is anything that we can do for you, please let us know.”

  “Okay,” Jess said and turned away, too upset to accept her kindness.

  Things went from bad to worse for Jess. Celine’s hearing test showed further hearing loss—a much different diagnosis than the one she had been given at the hospital. Jess was beside herself, and after getting home from the audiologist’s appointment, she cried for the rest of the day.

  She didn’t know where to even begin. She didn’t know the first thing about hearing loss or what this would mean for Celine. Part of Jess was terrified that Sandy and Stephane wouldn’t want Celine anymore—that she would have nowhere to go and would be an unwanted baby. The thought was just too much to bear. So, like many of us do at times, she just told herself that the hearing issue wasn’t really a big deal, that there could be an easy explanation. Because Celine hadn’t been doing well on her formula, Jess and her parents wondered if she had a milk allergy, which may have caused her ears to be clogged, and that when the allergy was all cleared up, her hearing would be fine. Celine’s hearing did seem to be fine at times. They switched her formula, and then Jess just crossed her fingers and hoped for the best. She and her parents were both very glad that Sandy was a speech pathologist and would be able to help Celine with whatever she needed later on.

  Jess’s father, doing his best to keep things on track, invited BJ to his house to visit Celine so that he could try once more to convince him to sign those papers. He purposely invited him to come on the day that Celine had taken her three-month shots, figuring that she would be very cranky, wanting him to see that babies weren’t all fun and games—they cry a lot and poop a lot—and hoping that it would get BJ to agree to the adoption.

  A week earlier, Marlys had called BJ on Jess’s behalf saying that she wanted to talk to him. While BJ had his doubts, his mother thought that it would be a good opportunity to try to straighten things out with her.

  However, BJ was right. Marlys walked right into his house and proceeded to tell him that he couldn’t possibly earn enough money to provide for Celine because there wasn’t enough money to be made in landscaping. She asked him what kind of life Celine would have with just one parent, making it sound like BJ was just another jerk who would fight for his baby out of spite toward the girl he got pregnant. BJ told her point-blank, “I’m not that way, and maybe you just found the one situation that isn’t lik
e all the rest!” Even BJ’s mother thought about asking Marlys to leave.

  Contrary to what Jess’s parents believed, this was the first time in BJ’s entire life when he felt that his parents weren’t trying to make his decision for him. They had made it very clear to him that this was a decision he would have to make on his own, and they would support him no matter what.

  Through the living room window, Jess saw BJ’s truck pull up in front of her father’s house and then saw BJ get out and walk toward the front door. After he rang the bell, she let him in, hoping for the best. They sat in the living room with Jess’s father for about an hour, fussing over Celine and having some tea and cookies.

  “Celine’s hearing test showed that she has hearing loss,” Jess said.

  “Wow. I was really hoping that the test wouldn’t show that,” BJ replied. “Can she get her hearing back?”

  “Hopefully. I think that she was born without something she needs that will develop later on and that she’ll be fine,” Jess explained. “Or she may be allergic to milk.”

  “She seems to be doing fantastic otherwise,” BJ said. He was very sad to hear the news, but in no way did it change his feelings about his daughter.

  “Yes, she is,” Jess replied.

  “She needs a home where two parents can care for her and give her what she needs,” Jess’s father interjected, firmly, yet calmly.

  BJ listened intently.

  “We have to think of her and put our own feelings aside,” he continued. “Won’t you please consider placing her for adoption, please?”

  BJ didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no, either.

  From the moment that he was with Celine, his thoughts were more fluid, his mind clearer. While he believed that he had been thinking of her all along, somehow, the fog finally lifted, and months of agony dissolved into a sad, yet sweet, surrender.

  He realized that he had to let her go—that Celine had to move on and find where she truly belonged. He no longer wanted to keep holding her back. Even though he knew that if she grew up with him, she’d have so many wonderful people in her life who would love her, he realized that she needed a father and a mother and a family—that having one Christmas celebration would be much better than having two. He pictured her at fourteen and in high school and him asking her what she really wanted as an infant, and her saying, “Hey, Dad, I wanted a family. I wanted to be adopted.”

  He had to step aside and let it happen.

  The thought of her going on without him almost broke him. But he just couldn’t take the chance of losing the lawsuit and never, ever seeing her again.

  On June 3rd, one week after BJ’s visit, Jess figured that her father’s plan had worked.

  BJ finally surrendered his parental rights to Celine.

  Jess’s relief was monumental. However, because she had brought Celine home from foster care, she was required to legally sign away her own parental rights—for the second time—which she did, again, feeling once more as though someone had stabbed her in the heart.

  When Sandy and Stephane heard that BJ had finally surrendered his parental rights, they were ecstatic. In the backs of their minds, they questioned why. However, it wasn’t time for questioning; it was time for celebrating. They were about to leave for France on vacation, which had been planned months in advance. They would have canceled in a heartbeat if Celine had been able to come home with them right away, but because they had to wait another two weeks, in case either Jess or BJ changed their mind—again—they went ahead with their plans.

  While in Paris, Sandy and her mother and sister, who had joined them on the trip, went shopping for gifts for Celine at a little French boutique. The place was just darling—filled with all sorts of toys and baby clothes that had French flair. The proprietor, a short woman with dark brown hair and in her late fifties showed them around. Even then, Sandy still had her doubts. She told the woman in her broken French that she was getting ready to adopt a baby and then asked if she could return the gifts if the adoption didn’t work out. The woman agreed.

  Of all the gifts that she bought Celine, her favorite was a purple and yellow butterfly mobile that had an eighteen-inch wingspan when you pulled the string to make it fly.

  Sandy just loved butterflies. They reminded her of her grandfather, who was a minister and also a butterfly expert, and with whom she had been very close. He had loved nature, and one year, during the time of the milkweed and the caterpillars, he made a movie about the life of the Monarch butterfly. At ninety-one, he wrote the script, shot the film, and narrated the entire thing.

  Sandy felt his presence when word came from Marlys from overseas that the waiting period was over, that neither Jess nor BJ had returned to contest their decision, and that Celine was finally theirs. That evening they drank champagne, and Sandy wrote in the baby calendar that she had begun keeping for her, “Time elapses for change of mind of birth parents.” Her next entry, written on June 23rd, a few days after they had returned home, read, “Placement Day.”

  They just couldn’t believe they were finally bringing Celine home.

  Chapter Eight

  THE RIGHT THING TO DO

  MARLYS ARRANGED FOR Jess, her parents, and three-month-old Celine to meet with Sandy and Stephane at the Caring Pregnancy Center, where Jess’s journey with Celine had begun. Jess put on a smiling face, but saying good-bye to Celine at the hospital was a lot easier compared with this. Sandy and Stephane were excited to be picking up Celine, but they felt awkward, too. Based on their adoption agreement, they wouldn’t be seeing Jess again until Celine turned eighteen years old or older and then decided that she wanted to see her. Yet everyone was cordial. When Sandy and Stephane asked for an update on Celine’s hearing, Jess just told them that Celine had a milk allergy that was clogging her ears, but that it was clearing up and her hearing was fine.

  Sandy and Stephane thought that the explanation sounded kind of strange, but neither one of them questioned it. After everything they had been through, all they both wanted was a happy ending, to take their daughter home and love her, and to show her how wonderful life could be. Before adopting Antoine, they’d tried in vitro fertilization for three long years, then made that gut-wrenching leap to adoption, finally realizing that having a biological child was not nearly as important as having a child and being parents.

  Stephane, because of his meticulous nature, would have liked to have asked Jess more questions. He wanted to better understand Celine’s condition—to perhaps check first with their pediatrician before bringing her home. But, not wanting to cause Sandy any more distress, and afraid of causing trouble between them, he let things be. At least he knew not to give Celine any milk.

  They gave Celine the best of everything. During the first several weeks, things were settling in. Antoine was happy with his new baby sister. Stephane would be away a lot on business—he traveled about 150 days out of the year—but Sandy had taken off from work, for a month, to be with Celine. Still unsure about her hearing, she took her for a hearing test.

  The results showed a small hearing loss, which was a bit surprising because when Lois had taken her for a follow-up test, it came back normal. On the doctor’s recommendation, they bought Celine hearing aids—the best that money could buy.

  Outwardly, Sandy was content, but inside she questioned why things still felt so difficult. She never, ever held back her love—Celine was her daughter. Yet, at times, her concern was just overwhelming. Even so, she put it aside and wrote in Celine’s baby calendar for the month of June, “We think that you are the most precious daughter we could dream of.”

  However, several weeks later, she and Stephane got the shocks of their lives. Celine’s medical records had arrived in the mail, and in them, a report dating back to when Celine was still living with Jess said: “HEARING LOSS, RECOMMEND HEARING AIDS, SEEK EARLY CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT.”

  Sandy thought, “Oh, my gosh. What’s happening with her?” They both were completely beside themselves and just
couldn’t believe that Jess would have misled them like that. Had they seen that report, they would have asked more questions before bringing Celine home. Even though they appreciated that Jess might have been afraid to tell them what had happened, they wanted the chance to make their own decision. They had suspicions early on about why both Jess and BJ had decided not to parent Celine, but now they were convinced that it was because of her hearing loss.

  Although the information was unsettling, it didn’t really change anything. They already knew about Celine’s hearing loss and were prepared to deal with it. However, the news thrust them on a mission to discover the cause of the loss and to get her the help she needed.

  Celine received the best possible care. Working in the hospitals and within the school system, Sandy knew the best doctors and therapists in the area. She took Celine from doctor to doctor and arranged for her to have physical therapy because she also had been diagnosed with having low muscle tone. The situation was far from what she—or any new mother—would wish for, yet, still, she wrote in Celine’s baby calendar for the month of August, “total adoration—cutest girl alive.”

  However, things became even more difficult when Celine’s following hearing test showed a significant hearing loss. Sandy and Stephane were crushed because now the picture was changing. Having a hearing loss was one thing, they felt, but if the loss was a symptom of a more serious problem, which the doctor was now suggesting based on the progression of the loss, they had to be sure that they could give Celine what she needed.

  There were so many emotions to sort through, and so many thoughts going on inside their heads. They had chosen adoption and were given a baby girl, and it was a beautiful thing, but it was also very painful. They called her their child—she took their name, they were given her birth certificate, and they deeply loved her.

  Yet, although no words were spoken, each of them started questioning if they really were the right parents for Celine, and if she was the right child for their family.